Help Me Out Here?

[kittenklyn]

I'd really like to hear from the Asexual community about my self. I'm very new to this idea, and also very confused in many ways, so it would be terrific if others could you d me along my way to understanding.

I'm trying to figure out my sexuality because I recently met a girl that I really like. But first, History 101:

I've never had a crush on anyone. I am 23 years old, and to this day I've never felt anything remotely similar to how a crush is described. I thought that wasn't a big deal. In my past I've dated 3 women. The first I dares for a year. We kissed, I acted in a romantic manner. We broke up on a bad note, couldn't be friends.

I went to Egypt for a few months after highschool, and when I came back I began spending time with a girl from highschool that I knew

we began dating, having sex, and all the typical things that "normal" lovers do. Sex was stressful for me because, while I could not deny the good way my body felt, that's all it was. My girlfriend seemed to think it was a much bigger deal than I did. Sure I didn't mind having sex, but I felt so different with it than I do with other activities.

For example: When I go hiking, or backpacking, or when I cook, or swim, etc, I get excited about it. I plan it out, I savor it, and I can't wait to do it again because of how much I loved it. You'd think I would feel the same about sex, right? False. I often felt oddly pressured into having sexual relations with her. I didn't do it because I wanted to, I did it because I wanted to make her happy. And I knew that she liked it.

I loved her with all my heart, honest to God, but sex was just a thing for me. Separated from intimacy. She and I often talked, and I would remark that I loved cuddling and sleeping together far more than I did having sex. Sleeping with someone, and I seriously mean just sleeping, for me, is so incredibly intimate. I really love that. Sex on the other hand, doesn't feel that way. It feels more like an activity, and unfortunately not one that I personally take great enjoyment from. The only reason why I had sex with her was because I loved her and knew that she wanted it. I Lt was completely consensual on my part, because I wanted to tell her I loved her.

We got married, and our sex life became a problem. She wanted sex literally every day, and that was very hard for me. The more she tried with me, the more I felt myself retreat inside and avoid it. See, when we were dating, we saw each other once a week. Usually 2-3 days, which left me with another 2-3 to not worry about having sex with her. That sounds bad, but it really wasn't. I was happy to make love to her because it made her happy. But when we moved in together, she was a very active person sexually and that really stressed me out. I never knew when she would want it, and I had to mentally prepare myself for it. I started making it a part of my routine, and we had sex about 3 times a week.

My friends are shocked when they hear this and they usually say how they have sex 3 times a day. There's no way I could handle that at all, and it amazes me that they can.

Of course, with feeling this way I also felt very broken. Like, what the hell is wrong with me? Guys were supposed to have unquenchable libidos, and I felt that I was really letting my wife down. I felt like I was wrong somehow and started looking for therapists.

About this time, my wife had an affair with her coworker and that really messed me up bad.

After she packed up and left, a woman from work started giving me rides home and was very kind. I rebounded onto her, not for sex, but for emotional intimacy. We began having sex however, when I felt I would lose her friendship if we didn't. So, again, I started having sex with her for her sake, not mine. I tried telling her this, but she did not understand me. She said that I did just fine in bed, but that's not the problem. I can have sex, I can orgasm, I can feel really good, I masturbate, etc, but the idea of having sex with someone is often accompanied with feelings of boredom and or distress. Not because I feel I can't, but because I feel I don't want to. After several conversations, I dropped it, because she couldn't graps what I meant.

Hell, I can't even grasp it. I'm so good at communicating my feelings- I'm a pro at self reflection on all aspects of my life EXCEPT how I feel about sex.

We broke up after a bit because I didn't love her- I attached to her out of vulnerability, and I am ashamed of that.

______

Reason why I'm trying to figure this shit out: I love being in a relationship with someone I feel close to. The intimacy, the companionship, the security and love, the sharing if my life with one person, monogamy really appeals to me. Eventually I want to settle down with someone again. But I'm so worried that ill never understand myself.

For example, what if I'm actually Gray-A, not Ace? I've never dated someone who was Ace, so I don't know how I would feel. I know for a fact that I am emotionally attracted to women, that I love the closeness to one that I love, but whenever I think about sex, the only, and I do mean inky, reason I like it is because THEY feel loved. That is literally, as far as I understand myself, what makes sex any good at all.

I've never felt lust for anyone, I've never had a crush, I've never felt the need to have sex with a person. I've only felt the need for intimacy, with I get from talking to them, engaging with them in activities, and helping each other through hard times and more. But sex isn't part of intimacy for me.

I've been seeing this girl, we've only just met, and I can't help but think of all the possible futures. What if I like her, or love her? If she is sexual, then how can I ever make her happy? It's incredibly sad for me, and I wish I wasn't like this because I feel like it would be easier.

I am incredibly confused by this aspect of myself. If it helps, I've never been abused as a child or anything. I had a religious upbringing and consider myself somewhat religious.

I'm thinking if I'm missing anything... Oh right, sometimes I wonder if I would enjoy sex more if it was a kind that I liked? When I was married, my wife really liked being dominated l, but I hated that. I didn't like acting as if I was taking control of the situation because, if I honest, I would lead I right on out of the bedroom, you feel me? Like, how can I be controlling if I don't have sex for myself? I thought maybe I'd like it more if it was vanilla sex, but that proved wrong because with my last relationship I felt the same way.

So....

If anyone has any advice, suggestions, or anything I would seriously really appreciate it. Like I said, I haven't got a freaking clue how I feel about this, I'm very confused and am seeking clarity. Thanks people.

-Sam

[partywithunicorns]

Don't force yourself to try to understand that part of you. You will now from your experiences and those to come. Try reading here on the forum how other people have come to know that they were asexual. You might find similarities.

With the girl you're seeing now. I think it might be good to mention asexuality in a conversation to see what see thinks about it. When sex comes up, just be open about what you want, then listen to what she wants and find a compromise. You also need to think about what you need because a relationship is a two way road.

[Queen of Wonderland]

Well, to me, you sound like you're asexual, not grey-ace, because the way you describe your relationships it sounds like you began having sex with these women only for them, not because you began to feel attraction to them and the desire for sex. Keep in mind, asexual doesn't mean you won't have sex, it means you don't experience attraction. Gray-a involves (very) occasional sexual desire, and asexual is none ever. Maybe the term you were thinking of was demisexual? But that doesn't really fit this situation either, because you started having sex with them once you had that emotional bond, not feeling attracted to them. And really, don't think that the fact that you're not repulsed to sex as a reason you can't be asexual, that you have to be demi or gray a; asexuality is a spectrum, and there're ace people who love sex, and ace people who can't stand it. The lack of attraction is the only thing we all have in common.

And the way you describe how your relationships with women make you feel, you sound heteroromantic, So if you're looking for terminology, I personally think that asexual heteroromantic fits best, but don't take my word for it; if you don't think that quite fits, keep searching AVEN, its a gold mine for this sort of thing.

And about your relationships? My one piece of advice would be not to push yourself into doing anything you don't want to, just for her. You should probably tell her about your sexuality, or your thoughts on sex and attraction if you're not sure about that, and maybe you could try to reach a compromise, that would satisfy her and be comfortable for you.

Good luck, and welcome to AVEN

[Lana Overland]

For one, calm down. Trust me, we've all been through this here. Just because you don't want sex does not mean you're broken. You're right there is so much more to a relationship than sex, and most people are fine with just that if you are honest about it. If you really like this girl, then be honest about it before it becomes a problem. It's scary, I know, but it doesn't sound like you'd be comfortable in a relationship that revolves around sex so if she can't accept that then she's probably not the one.

If you're concerned about making her happy, calm down, because she'll probably want to make you happy too (that's what a relationship is about). You can also make people happy without having frequent sex, for instance a romantic dinner, flirting, dancing, cuddling, talking, kissing, etc are all great things (also lot's of sexual/asexual relationships have worked out before just check out the ace relationships bar in the forums). You just need to be honest and make sure you two talk if it starts to become more serious.

One last thing, try to not put yourself into situations that you won't be comfortable in (obviously try new things, but don't be afraid to say no in the middle of things or just in general). Most people struggle with that concept, but if you say yes to everything you'll just end up resenting the other person, so don't be afraid to say no and compromise.

[indigorose]

Hi Sam,

Aww I am really feeling for you. I can relate to quite a bit of what you are going through! It can be really stressful to know that you don’t function sexually the same way most of the way society views sex.

I am going through some of the same questions and concerns. I am not exactly in the same boat as you. I have had relatively short relationships and I have only had two. So take whatever I say with a grain of salt.

I would say it’s a bit too soon to come to any conclusions and I am trying to have the mindset that look things can change, nothing is set in stone. Sexuality can be fluid and there is no cookie cutter answers to how sex should be.

In regards to sex three times a day, that does sound like a lot and I don’t think it’s the norm. Maybe when you early on in the relationship but sex drives from my understand does decrease over time in a relationship. Look maybe in your early 20’s some relationships do have it 3 times a day, but look on the Reddit forums and you we see a lot of people in a relationship struggle to have sex once a week. Add kids into the picture and some people find it hard to do it once a month. It sounds like your wife had a high sex drive and sometimes partners are not compatible sexually due to the big difference in “drive”, especially if they are not willing to communicate and compromise.

The other thing is, it really doesn’t help that you felt pushed into having sex with your wife. That would certainly make things harder. I think to help enjoy sex, you would need to feel safe and be able to really communicate what both of you like and dislike in regards to sex. As you mentioned, you’re pretty good at communicating apart from when it comes to sex. I think it would be really worthwhile with your next partner, that you try and build a strong foundation in communication around sex and even talk about the possibility that you could be asexual.

And well in regards to the other woman, well it sounds like your emotions were not heavily invested in her and just wanted someone to feel close to and perhaps you personally really need to feel “really connected and love the person” to enjoy sex.

I think though it can be really easy to say, “Oh I had two experiences and I didn’t enjoy sex” well that means there must be something wrong me sexually. Like you already have alluded to, there could be other factors playing a part in desiring sex with these women.

But I get it, when you have never sexually functioned the same way as most of society deems “the norm”, it becomes a bit worrisome. I am going through the exact same fears.

Don’t know if it helps, but here is a little bit of my backstory.

Never masturbated, never felt sexual urges or felt sexually attracted to anyone up until recently (I am in my 30’s). I went to therapy to understand like you, why I never was interested in sex and how I realised this is not “normal”. I actually did have a huge fear of sex all my life. I think I also had a lot of performance anxiety issues going on in my head related to it all my life. I have anxiety on top of that. Before I had sex, it consumed me with fear of the day I would have to have sex. Anyway, despite that I went to therapy and wanted to at least try and tackle my understand of why I am this way. So I decided to finally date and strangely enough I met a guy and we sort of slept together (but it was bad) and yet I bonded with him somehow and for the first time I got horny a little bit and I tried masturbating and I felt stuff. Anyway, basically he helped me get the ball rolling in exploring my sexual side, but he was horrible and didn’t care about me so, needless to say we tried a sex a few times and it was too much for me (actually we had stop each time because it was too painful for me).

Second guy became my boyfriend and I did love affection from him, but deep down I didn’t really love him or feel attracted to him. I think I too just loved the emotional aspect and someone to cuddle. And he too didn’t really listen to me when it came to sex. I tried to communicate what I needed to feel safe (which was going slow), but it went over his head and just kind wanted to it his way (he didn’t do it on purpose, he just wasn’t a great listener). It totally didn’t feel right.

So to conclude, I don’t know if I am just not a sexual person full stop, or if it’s because my partners were just not the right match for me. By the way, I am not fearful of sex now that I tried it. So far it's just 'meh' and I'm like why the hell did I make such a big deal of it! How silly. My therapist suggest to me that it’s too early for me to put labels on myself and maybe I just need to feel really comfortable, love and respected and heard by my partner before I feel comfortable with sex. Communication is the key and feeling strong intimacy. I didn’t feel this with either of my sexual partners.

I have done lots of reading up on this and actually found quite a few sexuals go through many partners and not feel anything sexual for their partners, and then one day they meet someone and that person is the right fit and something kicks in. Okay it's not what happens with most sexuals, but it does happen. What I am trying to say is, everyone is different and we can't be too rigid in our thinking in regards to how sex works.

I would suggest maybe seeing a therapist to help you explore these concerns and one that has heard of asexuality but is also not into labeling you.

[kittenklyn]

Thanks so far, people! :)

I suppose my writing style makes me seem hectic? That's not the case- I'm actually a pretty mellow person. This whole asexuality thing has blown my mind, so I'm excited about it all.

I'll definitely look into heteroromanticism, and I will keep looking into asexual areas of interest for sure.

I am a fan of labels, mainly because I like having a solid direction to go towards. I feel like naming certain aspects of our selves helps accomplish that.

I've considered seeing a therapist to talk about what's going on, but I'm leaving in a week to travel the world. And no I'm not joking- 6 years backpacking through I've 50 countries, so clearly I have a ton of time to figure all of this out. I just heard about asexuality and thought, "holy Crum, this could be my explanation."

[Lana Overland]

I'm glad you're excited! When I figured out my asexuality I was on AVEN non-stop trying to figure out if it fit, which it clearly did. Good luck on your next trip!