I am a gray area mess - Mental health and identity

[Finn.]

Hey guys. Since you've all been so lovely so far I will bless you with this confusing rant :)

I've been mentally ill basically since I can remember. I've overcome lots of stuff and am at a good place now. But it makes it really hard for me to get a grasp of things.

So for some time I identified as ace. It came with this great sense of relief for me. I didn't have to do anything with any guy ever. But gradually, after getting better mental health and also not taking the pill anymore, I noticed some differences. I actually started to feel attracted to girls. So that was a whole new revelation for me, though I was always more into girls than guys, aesthetic attraction and all. I got accustomed to the idea of being with a girl, sexually. And it definitely won over the being with a guy idea. So I moved away from the ace thing, not being sure anymore.

Now, several years later, I came back here! With all the mess that is me and asexuality, I also started questioning being romantic. And it's such an intertwined thing for me I cannot make sense of it.

I definitely feel sexual attraction sometimes, towards girls and nonbinary people. At least that's one thing I am certain of. (that is, if my understanding of sexual attraction is correct)

I can picture myself making out with someone, being sexual to some degree maybe, but not necessarily sex. I don't think that would give me anything. It's like, I masturbate, it's fun. It helped me in building a better relationship with my body. But I don't really want to share that, it's really personal to me? And I don't really think I could relax enough with another person to be able to enjoy it? I would much rather just lie in bed, and do nothing, together.

I have this issue with touch anyway. I would never just touch someone just because. I am hyperaware of it. And I don't want to be touched either.

It's complicated. Now that I am at a better place sometimes I want to hug someone, sometimes I want physical affection. But at the moment I form this thought, would I actually do it I wouldn't be able to enjoy it? It would be this robotic thing. So I don't do it. I enjoy hugs with my mom now, but that's it basically. (I love to exchange what I call "mental hugs").

Now on to the romantic thing. I can only picture myself with a girl or nonbinary person in the future. I would love to grow old with someone. I would love for it to be more than a friendship. I really love the idea of a queer/quasiplatonic relationship. Maybe make out, or not. Maybe just hold hands and peck. I've never been in love. I had a crush (I guess?) on one or two girls once, but it's been years. Like actually, 8 years?

I know this girl, she is the most precious and beautiful thing. She's straight and in a relationship, so it doesn't matter. But I am fascinated by her, I would love to have a qpr with her. I don't know if it's a squish or a crush. But it's the closest thing, I never get closer to romantic attraction than this. A few times in my life I would meet someone and be fascinated by them, but I wouldn't ever do someting about it, wouldn't want it reciprocated. But with her I would actually try it, if you know, she would be interested which she is not.

Generally, I go through phases. Phases in which I don't experience attraction at all, be it romantic or sexual. And even when I'm at a place where I do experience sexual attraction, it is very sporadic, only with with very few people. If it's even sexual attraction at all, idk. And with romantic attraction... I can go for weeks (months) on end thinking "relationships are too stressful, why would I ever want one, it's suffocating" and then it's "that would be the best thing, being in a relationship" for a few weeks. And it's tied to my mental health too, I'd say.

So I don't know where I'm at. Maybe I'm totally aro and these few times were squishes? In all reality, I don't think I will ever (want to) have sex. Even cuddling would be the biggest step for me.

Cheers to anyone that read all this! And maybe somebody here has thoughts on this they want to share?

[Resaebiunne]

I too have mental illness. I also have epilepsy. I've found that medications haven't really changed my preferences but there are a lot of people on various other forums say that medication makes it impossible to have an orgasm. Personally, I wouldn't find that an issue.

That said, I'm not really sure about relationships. My last (and only) serious relationship was 5 years ago and it was long distance. Not much room for sex or anything else. Technically we "lived" together for about a month as we were out on an expedition on the edge of the Peruvian amazon. Looking back on it, I think my attraction was more because of not having masturbated due to lack of privacy. I've always wondered if I would find women more attractive in that way if I stopped doing my thing but I've never bothered to try it out.

Are you bipolar by any chance? That could explain why your "phases" of attraction come and go.

Personally, I would like to find a girl to be with just to try my hand at it and see what happens.

[Ms.Frankenstein]

TL:DR You definitely aren't alone here!

I don't really have any advice but for the longest time I was in the same boat. It took me a long time to figure out that I tend to fall madly in love with a fantasy, but I don't have many romantic feelings at all for anyone in reality. The two (and I'm 28!) times that I've tried to have a relationship, they've been long distance- I thought I loved the person, but I really loved the fantasy that I could "link" to the person. That's easy to do in a LDR. When you inevitably realize that the reality was never what you believed it to be, it falls apart. I'm slowly coming to the realization/acceptance that I'm probably aromantic. That was harder for me to accept than asexual, because there's this cultural expectation that everyone will find someone that they love and want to spend the rest of their life with, and grow old together and live happily ever after. I wanted that happiness, even if I didn't particularly care for everything that goes with it. There are a couple people whom I really think I could have that, but they are (adopted) family, not romantic. QPR? Quite possibly, not that I would necessarily label it as such.

I don't tend to experience sexual attraction to real people, and even if I get aroused the last thing I want to do is actually have sex with that person. Since the puberty hormones are gone and I'm on the pill, that rarely happens anymore, which I consider a good thing. Not knowing that asexuality was a thing that existed (and after I did know that it existed, I believed that it only meant not feeling anything, ever. No libido, no attraction, total dead zone down there.) I struggled to figure out which gender I was attracted too (and believed I was bi and also the World's Pickiest Person for a good few years!) I unfortunately came to the realization that I was asexual in the midst of an already tumultuous relationship with a very sexual (on the high end of libido, attraction and desire) man which further complicated matters and was a driving force in our already inevitable breakup. (He thought sex was Very Important in a relationship. I enjoyed the fantasy of sex, but thought the reality of it was Very Icky and rather unpleasant. He also thought there was "something wrong with" asexuals. I never felt comfortable enough to talk to him about it, but I doubt it would have gone well.)

I've battled mental illness for 20 years or so, and I have good times and bad times. I'm only recently really gaining an understanding for what's going on in my head. (That doesn't make the mental illness better, it still sucks, but it makes it a heck of a lot easier to bear when I can say "I'm feeling X because of Y" rather than not having an effing clue what I'm feeling or why) It certainly makes the issue of sexuality much more confusing. I look back at life and wonder if I was really attracted to that person (the few rare times I've felt it, my ex being one of those times) or was it my mental illness? (The ex was someone I shouldn't have been involved with, which I think was a real part of the reason why I was involved with him. He was, in the eyes of society, not off limits but definitely taboo. Of course that meant I couldn't stop thinking about it, because I felt I shouldn't have been. Yay OCD? "Don't think about pink elephants." If the same situation occurred now (6ish years later) it would never play out the way it did, but hindsight is 20/20 and that's why they say "young and stupid".)

I've honestly decided that trying to suss out the minutiae of mental illness / puberty hormones / societal expectations / "what was I really feeling at the time?" Is not only a nearly impossible task, but also not really worth the effort. I don't have much to gain here. So I've (mostly) let it go and decided that, what I'm feeling now and has been more or less a common thread throughout all of the ages where I should have felt SOMETHING for SOMEONE whom I knew face-to-face (In high school, for instance, I always looked at people dating and wondered "why?" while everyone thought I was gay because I wasn't Boy Crazy) is good enough to base a clearly asexual identity on, and be content. (There are a few experiences that I really like to wish I hadn't had, but then, if I hadn't had them I may well not have the understanding that I have now, which is something to be grateful for! If there was such a thing as asexual awareness when I was a teenager going through puberty and entering the world where everyone expects certain feelings and behaviors, who knows? Things could have been much different. But they weren't, and so here we all are.)

I seem to have hijacked your thread with a rant/story of my own, and if you read this far, I hope you got something out of it (I didn't mean to hjack!).

[Finn.]

Sorry! I was quite embarrassed having shared all that about myself, I sort of pretended it never happened and then I forgot about it, life has been stressful. Oops. But here I am.

It's a relief to know others can relate, so big thanks for that!

Are you bipolar by any chance? That could explain why your "phases" of attraction come and go.

No, I'm not bipolar. I had depression for a few years as a teen and still have that tendency (and was so fortunate to have another depressive episode this summer yay), but I never experienced a manic episode. I struggle with depersonalization and derealization, which makes the whole identity thing tricky. I'm usually fine (after more than 10 years of experience you get used to it) but it definitely comes in waves for me.

I seem to have hijacked your thread with a rant/story of my own, and if you read this far, I hope you got something out of it (I didn't mean to hjack!).

No, it's fine! I should probably just let myself be. Maybe I will find someone who I want to connect with in a way that isn't just platonic friendship, maybe not. Maybe it will take me by surprise and suddenly touching someone will feel great. Who knows really. For now I am happy about being just by myself.