Oh, crap. :\ I think I have a case of unrequited crush.

[aceghost]

So there’s this ace girl who lives a couple of hours from here. I originally met her at an ace meet up a few months back, when I was very mentally unwell and ended up barfing my whole sob story to her and the rest of the group. She and her girlfriend both reached out to me and were incredibly kind and supportive.

A few months later, I was back in town and reached out to them to hang out, and found out they had since broken up, under kinda-similar-but-not-quite-the-same circumstances as my breakup. :( She was blindsided and devastated and I had just gone through all that, so we started forming a friendship around supporting one another through awful breakups through long, deep, meaningful conversations whenever I happened to be in town.

Fast forward a few months after *that*, to now, and now we get together every 3 weeks or so and chat every night or two. Last time I was in town we had a *great* night, eating lovely food, going to a scenic overlook together, eating ice cream, and talking long into the night. Ever since then, though, I can’t get past this nagging feeling, because in retrospect, that night kind of felt like a “date.” *gulp*

And I think I kinda … um… “like” like this girl. :o

I’m nearly 100% positive, however, that she does *not* feel the same way about me. For a number of reasons, including:

a) She is way, WAYYY out of my league. Like, *super* pretty.

b) She’s in her 20s and I’m almost 40, so I am literally old enough to be her mother. :P

b2) Also, I’m an actual mother. :P (Though she’s met my kid and they get along great. :D)

c) She has shown me pictures of girls she thinks are cute and I definitely do not fit that mold at all. :)

d) She frequently says things like “you’re such a good friend,” but definitely not “girlfriend” or anything of that nature. She also talks about being someone who desires physical touch, but never makes a move on me in that direction.

So I am very inclined to keep these feelings to myself, for a number of reasons, including:

a) I have more than filled my lifetime quota of rejection, thankyouverymuch. :)

b) While I genuinely do feel “over” my ex, I also feel like I still don’t have my shit together enough to pursue a relationship right now. (Then again, will I *ever* feel like that?)

c) I haven’t quite 100% parsed yet if I like *her*, or if I like the way I *feel* when I’m around her, since it’s “safe” (we share none of the same friends, we live in different cities, etc.) and I definitely do *not* want to hurt her.

But…

a) It seems really stupid that with this person whose friendship is based on demonstrating incredible amounts of vulnerability and trust in one another, I would hide a secret like this.

b) Part of me also wonders if I will regret not at least pursuing it, even if the answer is no. At least then I’d know for sure.

(Have you figured out that I am prone to over-analyzing things yet? :D)

So, I dunno. I’m kind of leaning toward sharing my feelings in an off-handed way next time we’re together, like “Hey, I am 99% sure you don’t feel the same, which is totally fine, but if you ever wanted to be queer platonic cuddle buddies or something, I would be down.” But I really don't want to screw up a nice thing that we have. Ugh. I’m throwing up in my mouth just thinking about it. :P

Anyway. Any advice/words of wisdom? :)

[Tarfeather]

Oh, aceghost... *offers hugs* ^^ A lot of what you talk about with regards to your insecurities, I could've written that. I feel exactly the same way.

Look at you, there you are, giving yourself reasons why she can't be into you, and yet you didn't even give her the chance to voice her thoughts on the matter. ;)

Ya know, there's only one thing that can screw up the nice thing you two have, and that's your own insecurities. If you think of yourself as someone she could be into, it'll carry through, and she'll notice that in your attitude. And if she's interested, she'll bite, I'm sure. ^^

So that leaves the question of why she should be into you, and honestly, I'd just say, don't overthink it. Your thoughts about her being "out of your league" and everything, I understand that, but here's my counter to that: If all the modest and gentle people in her life think that, then who will she end up with? Yeah, exactly, with the kind of partner she had before you. No person, no matter how attractive, has an intention to be with someone who isn't good for them, so that's the only question that should put you in doubt: Are you good for her?

Personally, I think you have every reason to believe you would make an amazing partner for her. Now go get her! ;)

PS: I really hope that this advice is applicable to your situation, because re-reading everything I said, it's starting to sound like advice I should've been giving to myself as well, lol.

[Ace of Amethysts]

Why the hell is this front and center on the main forum page? It`s not like I could help. Please Tarfeather, post a second time to make up for my complete lack of experience with this thing that 99.99% of humans are so fond of.

I`d to help you Angie, it`s just... Fuck my life. I want to be like you so much.

[aceghost]

Um. I'm not quite sure what to make of that comment. :) But I could definitely use some help!

[aceghost]

@Tarfeather: Hey, thanks a lot. I too got thinking about my situation based on your post, so I think we're two peas in a pod atm. :) But very happy if my situation could be a trigger to help you with yours! :D

That probably is indeed the best/safest thing to do; just keep being as decent girlfriend material as I'm capable of whenever we're together, and if she bites, great, and if not, no harm done. I guess the only thing that makes me go "hmmm" there is she's voiced before that she's terrible on picking up cues that other people like her (which is also a trait I have, and I'm guessing many other asexuals do as well :P). So I kind of wonder in the back of my mind, if I'm not very direct, if the opportunity (in the remotest chance that it exists) might slip by. Hm.

Am I good for her? I'm not sure. You don't get out of what I just went through with my ex without feeling like you're basically a completely worthless person who's totally unworthy of love and is destined to die alone. :P OTOH, she clearly sees *something* in me, because she keeps saying "yes" whenever I ask if she wants to hang out. I feel like I am good for her in that I give her someone who can relate very much to what she's going through, and I'm a good listener, and I enjoy burying my emotions in fun adventures with people, usually involving dessert. ;) So in that respect, yes. But I can also play that "supporting" role as a friend, as well, with the special bonus of no awkwardness. (Other than the masking of feelings, of course, which is inherently awkward. :P)

I'll ponder on that question some more though, because it's a good one. Thank you!

[Ace of Amethysts]

Um. I'm not quite sure what to make of that comment. :) But I could definitely use some help!

*was very tired when she typed that if it helps*

[Philip027]

Awww, this is so cute :D Even if it doesn't turn out to be anything romantic, this seems like a special, timely friendship that you've formed.

It reminds me a lot of what happened with me and my partner. We too bonded over similar things giving us difficulty in our lives, existential depression being the core of it. (I feel like I should point out... the two of us are engaged now ;) )

As for your other points...

a) She is way, WAYYY out of my league. Like, *super* pretty.

Look, I don't know this other person, but I've seen you before. There was that handy dandy video that came out some time ago. Trust me, you look just fine. I am pretty bad at judging general physical attractiveness, but you have the look of a kindhearted person. Besides, the whole "league" thing is bullshit, anyway. Don't you two enjoy each others' company for reasons besides how you look?

b) She’s in her 20s and I’m almost 40, so I am literally old enough to be her mother. :P

As someone who was once in a relationship with someone twice his age, I'm still of the belief that age is just a number. What matters is what stages of life you are in and how well the two people jive together in terms of what they want out of a relationship. Being of vastly different ages may make those differences more likely/pronounced, but it isn't a sole determinant. Instead of looking at the numbers, I would instead look at these other factors.

b2) Also, I’m an actual mother. :P (Though she’s met my kid and they get along great. :D)

As far as I can tell, that's a big plus. "Stepkids" can often be dealbreakers and it doesn't seem like that would be a potential worry here.

c) She has shown me pictures of girls she thinks are cute and I definitely do not fit that mold at all. :)

Eh, they're probably just ideas. It probably doesn't mean that she's only capable of liking those sorts of people ;)

d) She frequently says things like “you’re such a good friend,” but definitely not “girlfriend” or anything of that nature. She also talks about being someone who desires physical touch, but never makes a move on me in that direction.

Just a possibility here, not wanting to give false hope where it is potentially undue -- but do you think it's possible she is withholding any of that sort of thing for any of the same sort of reasons that you are?

a) I have more than filled my lifetime quota of rejection, thankyouverymuch. :)

Now this here is a more valid concern. :(

I don't really fear rejection, not as long as I can at least remain in good company with the person in question. (Which is something I think you two have a good chance of, even if a relationship can't pan out.) But, I'm given to understand that I'm not really wired a whole lot like most other people :/

b) While I genuinely do feel “over” my ex, I also feel like I still don’t have my shit together enough to pursue a relationship right now. (Then again, will I *ever* feel like that?)

Yes, good question. ;) Do we ever really feel 100% ready for these sorts of things? I know you have a kid... did you ever feel 100% prepared for that, I wonder? (You don't have to answer that... it's just something to think about!)

I understand though, because after my first relationship, I went through a period of swearing them off, because I felt like it was my own unreadiness and inadequacies that ended up ultimately wasting the time of someone I loved (that was how I saw it anyway, which I know is not really a healthy way of looking at things). What made things difficult for me here though was that I never really stop loving and caring for people, and the end of that relationship didn't do anything to change that. It wasn't until 7 years after that that I found myself beginning to experience romantic feelings toward another person. Was it a matter of me shutting out those particular feelings, or was I truly not experiencing them at all? I still wonder about that sometimes, myself.

Anyway, digressing. I feel some of us will always try to come up with excuses for why we can't pursue what we want. It's helpful to be able to carefully examine whether or not our fears are well-founded, or if the excuses are really just that... excuses.

c) I haven’t quite 100% parsed yet if I like *her*, or if I like the way I *feel* when I’m around her, since it’s “safe” (we share none of the same friends, we live in different cities, etc.) and I definitely do *not* want to hurt her.

Well, in my experience anyway, the level of comfort you feel around someone tends to have an awful lot to do with how you feel about the person too ;)

I also don't think you have ANYTHING to worry about with regard to hurting her. Really.

a) It seems really stupid that with this person whose friendship is based on demonstrating incredible amounts of vulnerability and trust in one another, I would hide a secret like this.

b) Part of me also wonders if I will regret not at least pursuing it, even if the answer is no. At least then I’d know for sure.

Well, I wouldn't say *stupid* o_o You just don't want to risk shaking up a good thing! But really, it doesn't seem to me like the friendship you have would get shaken up by such a confession. That's my guess, anyway.

And yeah, that regret is why I have always eventually confessed my crushes, no matter how unlikely or impossible they seemed, or even if I knew they weren't requited. The way I see it, if I'm close enough to someone to feel that way toward them, I would want them to at least know how I feel, even though I by no means expected them to feel the same way back and I made sure they knew that. It could be that I am just lucky, but I have never once jeopardized any of my friendships by confessing a crush. Personally, I feel like that jeopardy only usually occurs when there are undue expectations on one side that the other cannot fulfill, so as long as you aren't experiencing those, I feel like the friendship is usually safe :)

[Tarfeather]

On an unrelated note, aceghost, I saw your blog post a while ago with the picture of your younger self, and I was genuinely stunned how beautiful you were. :P Surely, even if you have aged, that attractiveness still shows through?

[aceghost]

Oh, shoot. I totally left this hanging after Phillip's awesome reply. :( Very, very sorry. Just wanted to say you are right about basically everything. Leagues are bullshit. Age is just a number. Looks are among the last things at least I look for in a partner (first and foremost would be "can we hold a conversation comfortably" and "do we make each other laugh?" :)). And so on.

Just to close the loop on this, I didn't end up confessing anything, since I figured the best way to do that would be in person, and before the opportunity arose, it ended up coming out in a different way that her feelings for me are not romantic, so all's well that ends well. :) (Also +1 for intuition. ;)) And somewhere over the past month or so that "crush" feeling just totally dissipated, and our friendship, as far as I know, remains intact as ever.

And now there's a new ace girl that I'm crushing over, this time a local gal. Who I also know is not interested in a romantic relationship (with anyone). I honestly do not know what the hell is the matter with me. :P I'm guessing though these feelings will also dissipate in a week or two, and in the meantime, I'll just enjoy the temporary little butterflies from getting text messages from her and whatnot. :)

I understand though, because after my first relationship, I went through a period of swearing them off, because I felt like it was my own unreadiness and inadequacies that ended up ultimately wasting the time of someone I loved (that was how I saw it anyway, which I know is not really a healthy way of looking at things). What made things difficult for me here though was that I never really stop loving and caring for people, and the end of that relationship didn't do anything to change that. It wasn't until 7 years after that that I found myself beginning to experience romantic feelings toward another person. Was it a matter of me shutting out those particular feelings, or was I truly not experiencing them at all? I still wonder about that sometimes, myself.

Yeah, I can definitely relate to this, in a slightly different way. On the one hand, I'm clearly struggling going "cold turkey" from caring about someone and doing nice things for them all the time, and apparently seeking a replacement outlet for those feelings. On the other, at the thought of one of these girls (or anyone else) actually doing something physically (not even sexually; just like holding hands or a backrub or a peck on the cheek), I go metaphorically shrieking up a flagpole like "NOPE NOPE NOPE" because I'm still quite traumatized from the end of the last relationship. Kind of a lose-lose predicament, so if I were capable of shutting out those feelings until the healing was done, that would certainly be a good coping mechanism, at least on paper.

Anyway, I'm so happy to hear that things eventually worked out for you, and congrats on the engagement!! :D

And yeah, that regret is why I have always eventually confessed my crushes, no matter how unlikely or impossible they seemed, or even if I knew they weren't requited. The way I see it, if I'm close enough to someone to feel that way toward them, I would want them to at least know how I feel, even though I by no means expected them to feel the same way back and I made sure they knew that. It could be that I am just lucky, but I have never once jeopardized any of my friendships by confessing a crush. Personally, I feel like that jeopardy only usually occurs when there are undue expectations on one side that the other cannot fulfill, so as long as you aren't experiencing those, I feel like the friendship is usually safe :)

This is also very sage advice. :) Thank you.

Thanks so much for the support, all. I really appreciate it. :) <3

[Philip027]

Aww, thanks I was wondering what became of all this, you know!

Glad things ended up more or less okay.