CrossMarian Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 I am asexual and selectively mute. Selective Mutism is a kind of social anxiety disorder where you can be very noisy at home but totally mute at class. It's not normal shyness since I can actually participate in class activities well, except that I don't talk (not a single word). When people ask for my name, I simply point out my ID for them to know. As for my asexuality, I'm currently dating the best guy ever. He knew I'm selectively mute and he knew I'm asexual. He accepts and respects them both. The thing is, I'm having a huge problem since I can't communicate well with him. Well, I can do talk nonsense things, but to serious matters, selective mutism kicks in. You see, selective mutism is a defense mechanism that people like us developed due to extreme social phobia. That's our shield. Thus, when I do got suddenly quiet (nodding and smiling are our only response), he knew he did something that made me so scared of him. The problem is, when he do find me in my mute stage, his depression kicks in and he'll feel gravely guilty about it. True, both of us are psychologically unhealthy. I'm selectively mute, and he's depressed for many years now. We had only been dating for almost a year though, so I'm not the root cause of his depression, but I'm making it worse and that's what I fear most. I don't want to lose him nor him lose himself. He's sexual and every time I provide him his sexual pleasures, he feel guilty after it, blaming it all to himself. I do say that I'm fine with it, but he always points out that I'm not really fine with it and I'm only forcing myself to do it for his sake, and that's what had been fogging his mind recently. His point is the truth, thus, I don't know how to make him feel better. Please also understand that I don't talk much, even through chats (I only have the guts to post this topic right now due to being anonymous). Please also do note, I'd been selectively mute for more than 2 decades now and that's why I have no any idea how to say things right. I tried but it only ends up not well and making it worse. He also outsmarts me all the time, leaving me mute once again. Can anyone please give me some advice? What ways or words can I say whenever this topic arises again? This relationship is the first for both of us. The truth is, I'm 100% asexual (demi-romantic for him though) and I badly want to deny his sexual needs, but I can't, I'm scared he'll get more depressed. So, I'm providing him the best that I can. A lot (forums) had advised that we're truly incompatible, but if I leave him (though I don't want to leave him, I want to protect and take care of him) he may not ever see the sun rise again (he confessed that thing to me too that's why he's been repressing his sexual desires to keep me, and I guess too much repression is one of the things that's tearing him down). Please help. *Sadly,therapist is not an option (I actually wanted him to, but can't). We don't have enough money and we live in a third world country where psychologists are very few or lacking. Link to post Share on other sites
Someone Else Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 I've seen medication do wonders for so many depressed people, but it often takes an army of elephants to get them to try it. Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 He is threatening to kill himself if you break up with him, and he pressures you to have unwanted sex with him or his depression will get worse? That is horrible emotional blackmail and not far from rape, frankly. I think you need to get far away from him and think only about your own safety. I do not believe that he will carry through with his suicide threat, but even if he does that is 100% his own free choice. You are not responsible in the slightest for his life choices. If he in all sincerity does not want to live unless he can extort sex from an asexual, too bad. He still doesn't get to extort sex from an asexual. Link to post Share on other sites
Hooded_Crow Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 Hi :) While I don't have selective mutism, I do have pretty bad social anxiety too. What I do find is that I am better at expressing myself in writing, and that it scares me much less. Could you guys maybe develop a system where, when your mutism kicks in, you go to your computers, maybe even in different rooms if you prefer, and you type things to each other instead of actually saying them out loud? I don't know if that would work... that's just the only thing I can think of. Best of luck to you two. My partner has been struggling with guilt issues for years and may have some better advice than me. I'll try to remember to ask him about this. Link to post Share on other sites
Hooded_Crow Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 Also, yeah, Nanogretchen has a point there, I'm afraid. If the sex with him is traumatic to you, or if it makes you feel bad, that's not good. And if you're staying with him because you're afraid he'll kill himself if you break up, that's not good either. Link to post Share on other sites
OutsideObserver Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 What is your stance on Polyamory? What's his? Transitioning a sexual relationship to one of involuntary celibacy would probably be a deal-breaker for most people, but transitioning it one where he gets some of his needs met by you and others by someone else? That is an easier pill to swallow. Link to post Share on other sites
partywithunicorns Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 You should not feel in anyway responsible for curing his depression. It might be good to lay all the problems on the table. Make a list and tell him, if you can't show him. Talk about it. Ask him what you can do to help him to make his depression less. Communication is key to a relationship. That is very difficult in your situation. So try and find a good moment. If you gets fed up with you not being able to talk and that happens alot. He is very likely not the one for you. You have to realize when your relationship isn't going to work and sometimes problems in a relationship aren't fixable. Link to post Share on other sites
Parmenides Posted July 23, 2016 Share Posted July 23, 2016 People who threaten to suicide would not do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted July 24, 2016 Share Posted July 24, 2016 People who threaten to suicide would not do it. ... They do. Trust me, they do. :/ Link to post Share on other sites
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