Wondering if I am Demisexual?

[indigorose]

In the last year or two I have been going out an exploring relationships. Prior to that I never felt sexual attraction, never masturbated or had sexual urges. I am in my 30's.

I've only really had a few experiences, but what I have found is that I can start to feel some sort of sexual attraction to a guy, but only once I know I am attracted to them either physically and emotionally and I know they feel the same way. I can feel it if I feel some bond but each time this has happened it's only after a few dates (so it doesn't have to be a long time for me) and strangely enough one of the guys was a bit of a "jerk" and I pretty much suspected this from the get-go, but I still felt lust for him and I was sexually aroused (just slightly though, my body parts reacted slightly it was this huge desire to jump his bones). In fact with that particular guy I was more sexually aroused away from him. I would go crazy fantasizing about him (not so much sexually, but romantically) and I would start to feel horny.

Also, so far with the two experiences I have had with actual sex, although aroused, when it comes to sex I am not that interested. I think that could have to do with performance anxiety and being a bit too much in my head though and partners who were not that compatible with me sexually (aka crappy foreplay).

I definitely have never felt sexual attraction to men or women I see out and about. I can be attracted to them physically but not in a sexual way.

I guess I just don't see me matching up to demisexuality exactly, because it seems to be a strong emotional bond before feeling sexual. I don't know if there really was a strong bond to the jerky guy after only the second or third date.

[Star Bit]

Demisexual is desiring sex after an emotional bond that takes an unusual amount of time to develop. A few dates isn't unusual. In fact a recent study shows that now women are having sex on the 5th date and not the 3rd, so if it's around there then you're a normal sexual person. As for why now, perhaps you never had the required bond until now (which is a common sexual enticement for women). But because it's within the normal span of desiring sex it's not demisexual. Or perhaps your orientation changed; it's rare but a thing; some peoples sexualities are fluid.

Also, so far with the two experiences I have had with actual sex, although aroused, when it comes to sex I am not that interested. I think that could have to do with performance anxiety and being a bit too much in my head though and partners who were not that compatible with me sexually (aka crappy foreplay).

Well, with only two I'd say it's not all that conclusive, and women do often not match up mentally and physically (i.e. physically aroused but not mentally interested and visa versa, so it's kinda hard to get women in the mood for sex and only about 10% of the time do the two overlap, so females have alot of exploring to do sexually; to see what works to align the two, while most men don't). And while i will agree that performance anxiety and such can make one less interested in sex and disrupt arousal and orgasm, that's actually normal for women (as well as the being in your head part; not in an escape way but women generally think about alot of things while having sex that are irrelevant to it which dampens the experience for most). Women also have sensitive breaks to arousal/orgasm, so they have to both turn off what's mentally distracting them and indulge the turn ons. Crappy foreplay could also have to do with your lack of interest; as most women also need it to trigger their desire for sex (and properly lubricate themselves naturally as well), plus it can be a turn off too.

So really your two experiences are inconclusive on your orientation. And because of the aforementioned foreplay requirement for women, it's also common that women don't experience sexual attraction but do experience sexual desire (after foreplay).

By wanting to be attracted to people physically but not in a sexual way, do you mean aesthetically or sensually? And the phrase physical attraction is inaccurate because it can be interpreted and intended as 3 different things; aesthetic, sensual, and sexual attraction.

[indigorose]

Thanks that makes sense to me!

Sorry in the heat of the moment I couldn't find that right word. I meant aesthetically attracted.

One thing though, I don't want sex after the second or third date. I have no desire to have actual sex. My body is just aroused in parts and not when we are doing anything sexual (mainly kissing or they are affectionate) but only slightly. So basically my body reacts which I have no control over, but I don't actually have this urge to have sex and get into bed with them, even after more than 5 dates. Sex so far doesn't make sense to me. So I a guess I am not sexually attracted to the person as such, but sexually aroused. I'm get terminology mixed up. I am romantically attracted to men for sure, but sexually not so much.

Hmmm, I thought maybe most sexual women feel sexually attracted before the 5th date but just hold off until they feel ready to be with person. I thought they might feel sexual attraction by the 2nd date? No? I know not every sexual person has the same experience, so it's a bit hard to say.

I think it is inconclusive as well. Two experiences are not enough for me to go by and they were not the best relationship guides.

[Star Bit]

Like i said, most women never even feel sexual attraction (or rarely); the impulse to do sexual things to someone specific; that's typically a male thing. In fact half the sexual population has never experienced it; they just desire sex for other reasons. Most women strictly have the urge to have sex once aroused or having had foreplay, which is not sexual attraction but the desire for sex in general. Sexual arousal is also not lust or sexual attraction. Getting aroused by kissing is common. And kissing/affection is typically done to get you in the mood for sex. According to a poll, if it didn't result in sex a majority of men wouldn't be doing it. But you did say you desired to jump one guy's bones, so you have experienced sexual desire or sexual attraction? Romantically fantasizing and then getting horny does also seem to be sexual attraction.

But if it ends up being that those aformentioned things didn't impair your sexual desire, then you do desire sex but rarely and are indifferent to the desire being satisfied or become disinterested once it happens? Any of which fall under Gray-asexual (which does not mean the person is ace but close to being ace; ace being short for asexual).

[indigorose]

Like i said, most women never even feel sexual attraction (or rarely); the impulse to do sexual things to someone specific; that's typically a male thing. In fact half the sexual population has never experienced it; they just desire sex for other reasons. Most women strictly have the urge to have sex once aroused or having had foreplay, which is not sexual attraction but the desire for sex in general. Sexual arousal is also not lust or sexual attraction. Getting aroused by kissing is common. And kissing/affection is typically done to get you in the mood for sex. According to a poll, if it didn't result in sex a majority of men wouldn't be doing it. But you did say you desired to jump one guy's bones, so you have experienced sexual desire or sexual attraction?Romantically fantasizing and then getting horny does also seem to be sexual attraction.

But if it ends up being that those aformentioned things didn't impair your sexual desire, then you do desire sex but rarely and are indifferent to he desire being satisfied or become disinterested once it happens? Any of which fall under Gray-asexual (which does not mean the person is ace but close to being ace; ace being short for asexual).

Whoops that was a typo! I never had any desire to jump his bones. I've never had any desire to jump anyone's bones. I did feel a little bit horny and fantasize about one of the guys I dated, but only when I was away from him, never when I was with him (when I was with him he acted so bizarre that I just felt on edge in his presence).

So far with the two guys I have been with.. I noticed I was aroused from kissing. I mainly knew I was aroused because I become "wet" and was surprised I was wet, because I didn't actually feel any sensations other than I am "wet". Maybe been "wet" doesn't indicate I am aroused? I also don't feel anything when I am kissing the person usually (very occasionally a slight tingling sensation in the nether region). I don't feel like moving to sex after kissing, but again I will say I feel there needed to be more foreplay and better emotional connection with partners. I literally had ask my partners at the time "do you feel anything when you kiss? I feel nothing". I feel no butterflies, no excitment, just two tongues colliding and being sloppy. I essentially don't really get anything from the act of kissing. Basically I had hoped I would just start to enjoy tongue kissing, but so far I have not. I thought I may need to get comfortable with my partners, because I have performance anxiety symptoms too, I am way too much in my head with all this stuff.

I've tried to have sex, because I was curious, but I was not excited about it. But didn't get too far each time, as it was too painful for me, so we had to stop.

[bonny]

I can relate to a lot of what you describe. I experience a degree of something that I am unsure whether to call (hetero-) sensual, aesthetic or emotional attraction, which leads to me being somewhat unsure about whether I should be identifying as asexual. Also like yourself I have little actual experience to base a personal identity label on, so it is mostly based on thoughts / feelings / fantasies experienced when not in the presence of the attractive person. I don't really feel comfortable discussing it in more detail here, but please send me a PM if you'd like to talk about it some more. :)

[Star Bit]

If you never desire sex but can get aroused then that's still asexual.

[scarletlatitude]

I am the same way. I sometimes feel aroused but I never desire or seek out sex. So no matter what label you choose, you certainly aren't alone. :)