Almost 2 years and I'm still not sure

[scenetorap]

I've been questioning my sexuality for a long time now and I still don't know if I'm asexual or not. I broke up with my very long term boyfriend and was content to spend the rest of my life not having to worry about sex ever again and then I went and fell for someone new. A sexual person of course. I'm very attracted to him and love kissing and cuddling and all that. But I can't figure out if I'm sexually attracted to him or just aesthetically and romantically attracted to him. I'm okay with having sex with him, sex is okay to me. It feels good and is fun if I'm put into the mood for it. I just won't ever actively want it myself. But if you can get me to react physically then I'm down for it. I always say I feel indifferent about it.

And I'm extremely attracted to him and it's all good and hot when like his shirt is off and its great until pants come off and then I'm like hmm okay, well it was better before but this is okay too. And I think that must be the sexual attraction part right?? Even though I enjoy the act of having sex, I don't know that the sexual attraction is there. Even when I'm like okay, he's really hot and I like this, I don't think, this makes me want to have sex. I dunno. I just can't figure out the difference between different kinds of attraction I guess. How do you distinguish?

[dissolved]

You're clearly attracted to him in some way, so draw a line under that. Don't worry about labelling it this or that. You need to figure out what (if anything) you desire, because it's not unusual to be attracted to someone without any inclination to act upon it.

When you're kissing and cuddling and getting closer and the clothes are coming off... do you get an impulse to keep going? To get as close to him as possible? Bear in mind it can be very subtle - it's not like you're waiting for "sex now please!" written in giant neon letters in your mind. Do you get disappointed if you stop during foreplay? Do you feel the need to satisfy yourself using him in some way? Again, none of this will exactly be coherent in your head.

It's not as simple as looking at someone and thinking "yeah, sex!" and most people aren't exactly excited when it comes to looking at genitals. It's on some subconscious level, knowing that you get to pleasure each other, that's exciting, not looking at someone's junk.

[binary suns]

one strategy is to just say you are attracted to him, just at face value. and then ask what you want and desire from him and not care about categorizing attraction.

another strategy would be to pay attention to your arousal. does it only come when he is directly touching you and crap, or can he bring it with words/with his presence/when you think about him. or if you masturbate, if your mind drifts to him when doing so that is a sign of sexual attraction. this strategy isn't entirely reliable though... at least not the way I described it lol... I wish I knew how to explain it better...

another strategy is to ask him if it would bother him if he is always the one to initiate. if it doesn't bother him, than just enjoy having sex when it is good and it don't matter if you desire it or not right?

if you are trying to figure out who you are and your identity. then I suggest being patient about that. I was clueless about my identity for ten years, and it took me two years to get comfortable once I started investigating it, and even now I wouldn't say that I know my orientation perfectly, I still have questions about it and orientation in general.

[Star Bit]

If you don't desire sex even after foreplay then that's asexual. If you only desire sex after foreplay then that's a normal sexual person, especially for women. As for the indifference, is it "i want sex now but am indifferent to that desire being satisfied" or "i don't want sex but am only ok with having it if there's something to be satisfied i.e. my arousal"? The former is a sex indifferent sexual; a type of Gray-sexual, but the latter is a sex indifferent asexual and not a type of gray. Sexual attraction is the impulse to do sexual things to someone specific. Aesthetic attraction is just having a pull to look at someone due to looks and/or mannerisms, which is different from recognizing what's aesthetically pleasing.

[scenetorap]

You're clearly attracted to him in some way, so draw a line under that. Don't worry about labelling it this or that. You need to figure out what (if anything) you desire, because it's not unusual to be attracted to someone without any inclination to act upon it.

When you're kissing and cuddling and getting closer and the clothes are coming off... do you get an impulse to keep going? To get as close to him as possible? Bear in mind it can be very subtle - it's not like you're waiting for "sex now please!" written in giant neon letters in your mind. Do you get disappointed if you stop during foreplay? Do you feel the need to satisfy yourself using him in some way? Again, none of this will exactly be coherent in your head.

It's not as simple as looking at someone and thinking "yeah, sex!" and most people aren't exactly excited when it comes to looking at genitals. It's on some subconscious level, knowing that you get to pleasure each other, that's exciting, not looking at someone's junk.

I've definitely been trying to just figure myself out without worrying about a label but it's just so confusing. I definitely don't get any impulse to keep going after a certain point. I'm totally fine with it going farther, but it's not necessarily something I desire myself. I'd be totally fine with not going any farther than foreplay. The actual sex part is just okay to me. I enjoy him getting off but I'm really just whatever about myself. Which to me has only made my sexuality less clear haha.

one strategy is to just say you are attracted to him, just at face value. and then ask what you want and desire from him and not care about categorizing attraction.

another strategy would be to pay attention to your arousal. does it only come when he is directly touching you and crap, or can he bring it with words/with his presence/when you think about him. or if you masturbate, if your mind drifts to him when doing so that is a sign of sexual attraction. this strategy isn't entirely reliable though... at least not the way I described it lol... I wish I knew how to explain it better...

another strategy is to ask him if it would bother him if he is always the one to initiate. if it doesn't bother him, than just enjoy having sex when it is good and it don't matter if you desire it or not right?

if you are trying to figure out who you are and your identity. then I suggest being patient about that. I was clueless about my identity for ten years, and it took me two years to get comfortable once I started investigating it, and even now I wouldn't say that I know my orientation perfectly, I still have questions about it and orientation in general.

Yeah, as I said I try not to focus too much on a label but I do really want to know for myself. Arousal is definitely only with physical contact. And I've never been just like, randomly aroused which I guess is something that happens to sexual people? Or by thinking about someone. That just seems really weird to me. He knows I'm questioning being asexual and that I will never ever initiate and is cool with it. Orientation is so multi-faceted and sexuality is so fluid it's difficult to pin down a word for yourself. But I am a very concrete person haha I like to know things drawn out with no questions so it's hard for me to not know.

If you don't desire sex even after foreplay then that's asexual. If you only desire sex after foreplay then that's a normal sexual person, especially for women. As for the indifference, is it "i want sex now but am indifferent to that desire being satisfied" or "i don't want sex but am only ok with having it if there's something to be satisfied i.e. my arousal"? The former is a sex indifferent sexual; a type of Gray-sexual, but the latter is a sex indifferent asexual and not a type of gray. Sexual attraction is the impulse to do sexual things to someone specific. Aesthetic attraction is just having a pull to look at someone due to looks and/or mannerisms, which is different from recognizing what's aesthetically pleasing.

Yeah, even after foreplay, the actual sex part is just okay to me. I don't mind having it at all, I'm totally okay with it, but it isn't really my thing I guess? I just prefer the before and after sex. It feels alright but I would also be okay with skipping it. It is for sure more for him than me. Which I also feel like that sounds awful, like I shouldn't have sex with someone if I don't want to, but I don't mean it like that. I don't want to not have sex I just don't actively want to? If that makes any sense.

[Star Bit]

But most asexuals who sexually compromise do do so for the sake of the partner. Many people are in your shoes. You're normal and your perspective isn't wrong. The only requirement for being asexual is not desiring sex with anyone; that's literally it and nothing else. Any other details are just personal variation. Quit comparing yourself to the norm and just try to have a functional relationship.