Busrider Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 When you say we're not going to end up together anyway, do you mean it won't last? I don't see the point going into a relationship without the intention of it being long term. Sorry about taking Skulls' side: There is no(!) contradiction between the statements! Neither her, nor me advocates half assed relationshipping. - But what are the odds for something to last how long? Why shouldn't a random reason to split happen? Link to post Share on other sites
Zargos Posted July 21, 2016 Author Share Posted July 21, 2016 When you say we're not going to end up together anyway, do you mean it won't last? I don't see the point going into a relationship without the intention of it being long term.Sorry about taking Skulls' side: There is no(!) contradiction between the statements!Neither her, nor me advocates half assed relationshipping. - But what are the odds for something to last how long? Why shouldn't a random reason to split happen? I know that there will inevitably be many disagreements and factors that could potentially cause a split in our relationship, without even considering sexuality. With a mindset of "we're not going to end up together anyway" how can you possibly intend to have a long term relationship? Not only would that be extremely pessimistic, but it would be setting our relationship up to fail and assuming that a break up is unavoidable. Link to post Share on other sites
dissolved Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 Most relationships when you're in your teens, 20s and often 30s are transient. You learn about yourself, other people and how to cope with relationships while juggling the other crap that life throws at you. In that early stage of your life, because you're still growing and developing into your adult self, you have one of two options while in a relationship: grow with them or grow away from them. Very, very few people meet their life partner at that age... that's just the way things are. It doesn't mean that relationships are pointless because you learn a hell of a lot, especially about yourself and how to treat others. Every experience at that age is worth it, because it contributes to who you eventually become. It might suck to even contemplate not being together in the long term, but you should both be aware that many things could happen to prevent you staying together, and the sex thing may well become an incompatibility. That doesn't mean that you can't enjoy the relationship now, nor that you should break up in anticipation of future problems. Just be aware that it's perfectly fine to be with someone and them not be who you want to (or can) spend the rest of your life with. All relationships end... that is, right up until one doesn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 I don't know about teens, but I think very many people do meet their life partner in their (early) 20s.. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 It would not be a good idea to rely on how someone feels about sex if they are still a virgin. Uhm.. Are you saying all asexuals should have sex at least once? did I say that? No. So no, I didn't mean that. (I'm wondering why people do this: read what A says and then make something up and ask A if that's what they meant.) The person we're talking about is a presumed sexual who's a virgin, not someone who knows they're an asexual. Someone who knows they're an asexual, it's safe to assume, knows that they DON'T WANT SEX. The person who's sexual but a virgin -- in fact, this specific sexual -- said to this particular asexual that it's OK if they don't have sex. That's very different, ESPECIALLY if they've never had it yet. Link to post Share on other sites
God of the Forest Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 Is the guy asexual and just doesn't want to admit it? I think that's a very unfair assumption. That's like assuming a woman who is beautiful that happens to be single is a lesbian. Cut the speculation, let him decide if he's asexual or not instead of thinking he might be just because he isn't interested at the moment as there are any number of factors that could easily explain his lack of desire, such as; prepubescense, among other things. A lot of issues would be solved if people would stop wondering and focusing on whats up with another person and took care of their own issues. Does it really matter if he's asexual? and if he is then that's his business. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 Most relationships when you're in your teens, 20s and often 30s are transient. Edited for clarity and brevity Still no reason to be all like "you're young so there's no reason to take this one seriously" because that logic could easily be extended to other ages. Rest of your post, though, was spot on. Link to post Share on other sites
Zargos Posted July 21, 2016 Author Share Posted July 21, 2016 Is the guy asexual and just doesn't want to admit it?I think that's a very unfair assumption. That's like assuming a woman who is beautiful that happens to be single is a lesbian. Cut the speculation, let him decide if he's asexual or not instead of thinking he might be just because he isn't interested at the moment as there are any number of factors that could easily explain his lack of desire, such as; prepubescense, among other things. A lot of issues would be solved if people would stop wondering and focusing on whats up with another person and took care of their own issues. Does it really matter if he's asexual? and if he is then that's his business. I wasn't assuming, it was just one of the many questions swimming around in my head at the time of the posting. I don't think it is an unreasonable thought either, considering that most sexuals see sex as a normal aspect of a relationship. It does matter if he is asexual (or sexual as I thought) because we may be in a relationship. I would much rather him understand now that a sexual relationship would not be possible with me than lead him on, pretending we will have the type of relationship most sexuals have together and suddenly shock him with the "I'm an asexual and I don't want to have sex with you" speech. I think that establishing this now will mean that we will both have realistic expectations when it comes to being together. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 Most relationships when you're in your teens, 20s and often 30s are transient. Edited for clarity and brevity I don't think you can say that most relationships are transient. That may be your belief, but it isn't necessarily the case. Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 There are more people who are sexual, and yet for some reason not all that enthusiastic about sex, than there are asexuals. It's just a statistical thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 There are more people who are sexual, and yet for some reason not all that enthusiastic about sex, than there are asexuals. It's just a statistical thing. There are no statistics for either of those categories. Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 Sample (statistics) Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 I don't think you can say that most relationships are transient. That may be your belief, but it isn't necessarily the case. If you think that's a mere belief, you are not paying very good attention to the world around you. Just look at divorce rates, for example. And that's just one kind of transience. People are constantly changing, along with the world they live in. As such, their relationships are constantly changing too, whether for better or for worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 I don't think you can say that most relationships are transient. That may be your belief, but it isn't necessarily the case. If you think that's a mere belief, you are not paying very good attention to the world around you. Just look at divorce rates, for example. And that's just one kind of transience. People are constantly changing, along with the world they live in. As such, their relationships are constantly changing too, whether for better or for worse. I do pay a lot of attention. I know that divorce rates in America tend to hover around the 50% range, but less people are getting married now, so that doesn't cover all relationships. But maybe I'm defining transient differently than you: I don't think of a 15-year relationship, for example, as transient, even though it was not a lifelong relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Jade Cross Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 Wether relationships are transient or not is irrelevant in the wider range of things because the point of relationships is to try and establish a lasting bond between people. The murphy's law take on this on account of the people being teenagers and the possible sex issues is also irrelevant in a sense because when you go into relationships, its to discover. As highly convenient as it could be to have two people meet and say "Hi Im such and such, these are my interests and limitations, the percentage of our succes is %, lets hook up", its unrealistic because alot of people in their 30's ,40's, 50,s and so on still have to go through both a process of self discovery when it comes to a relationship. You may have a better idea of how you fucntion but essentialy all relationships are uncharted territory. The sexuals not having much interest in sex is also something I heard about. If Im not mistaken, Japan is one place where this particular issue is more noticeable. So its not unrealistoc to say that there are sexuals who can (and maybe even want to) have a celibate relationship over a sexually active one. Which would again direct back to the previous question of people being able to live beyond what an urge would normally dictate. Also, given my experience on the forum, Im surprised that for previous threads where the issue of sex was categorized as less of a deal breaker over other aspects of a relationship, suddenly everyone seems to be jumping to the sex issue as being the #1 deal breaker of all relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 If Im not mistaken, Japan is one place where this particular issue is more noticeable. It's also a place where there are vending machines selling (alleged) schoolgirls' knickers, so on a wider level, it may not be going to well for them. One of the sources for 'sexless Japan' seems to be a survey by Durex (no idea how reliable it is - reported in the Japan Times: http://www.japantimes.co.jp/community/2011/09/06/issues/sexlessness-wrecks-marriages-threatens-nations-future/#.V5Ck77grKUk). According to that survey, the Japanese have less sex than any other country (45 times a year, compared to the next lowest, Singapore, at 75, and the average of 103 times a year). But only 24pc of people are happy with their sex lives (or in a later survey, 15pc). That doesn't sound like it's something people want to me; more that possibly cultural expectations are that sex stops after marriage, and though most people don't like those expectations, Japan's pretty social conservative, so breaking out of it is far harder than elsewhere. Obviously people can live beyond their 'urge'. It's a question of whether there's any innate good in trying to. Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Jade Cross Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 If Im not mistaken, Japan is one place where this particular issue is more noticeable. It's also a place where there are vending machines selling (alleged) schoolgirls' knickers, so on a wider level, it may not be going to well for them. One of the sources for 'sexless Japan' seems to be a survey by Durex (no idea how reliable it is - reported in the Japan Times: http://www.japantimes.co.jp/community/2011/09/06/issues/sexlessness-wrecks-marriages-threatens-nations-future/#.V5Ck77grKUk). According to that survey, the Japanese have less sex than any other country (45 times a year, compared to the next lowest, Singapore, at 75, and the average of 103 times a year). But only 24pc of people are happy with their sex lives (or in a later survey, 15pc). That doesn't sound like it's something people want to me; more that possibly cultural expectations are that sex stops after marriage, and though most people don't like those expectations, Japan's pretty social conservative, so breaking out of it is far harder than elsewhere. Obviously people can live beyond their 'urge'. It's a question of whether there's any innate good in trying to. The same cultural pressure/expectation works in reverse because in America (by what I heard) people are expected to have sex before, during and after marrige. Even around in other countries its not verly well seen to be married and not have sex. Heck I have constantly been criticize for both my lack of desire for marrige and my painfully apparent lack of interest in sex. People may take it as being shy but some have outright expressed an almost desperate concern for me to follow suit. My own family has done it so I wouldn't put cultural influence to not try and dictate that people must have sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 I suspect if you've never felt sexual desire for someone, it's very hard to understand that it's no more a cultural influence than feeling hungry is. Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Jade Cross Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 Are you going to tell me that if you walk into a room full of people in a cuture that promotes sex and say "Ive never had sex and Im damn proud of it" the response you will get is "No worries mate. Good on you for sticking to what you believe"? Link to post Share on other sites
andreas1033 Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 Are you going to tell me that if you walk into a room full of people in a cuture that promotes sex and say "Ive never had sex and Im damn proud of it" the response you will get is "No worries mate. Good on you for sticking to what you believe"? What i found surprising is that females take it wrong too. Its like they have this attitude how dare a male not have sexual feelings for us, when every male wants us.It can be dangerous, for others to know your not interested. People get really stup1d if they know this about you. You end up having to prove your not interested all your bloody lifes. Drives you up the wall. People do not appreciate people whom do not do what they do , and want what they want. Everyone must be like them, and if your not, you will become a target to comply. Group think is moronic, but it exists, and it can end up being dangerous. Sexual people seem to think everyone is as sex mad as they are, and if your not, your just pretending it or something. They cannot imagine you have not got these drives. My advice to asexual males, is do not draw attention to yourself, if you are. Especially when young, because people will drive you up the wall. If you go out to places where most people are sexual, do not try and bring attention on to yourself, it will create problems. There is a big group think going on with sexuals. They cannot imagine someone exists that does not have there drives. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 Are you going to tell me that if you walk into a room full of people in a cuture that promotes sex and say "Ive never had sex and Im damn proud of it" the response you will get is "No worries mate. Good on you for sticking to what you believe"? No, but it's not just about you. It says something about your partner too, that they may not be comfortable being announced to rooms of strangers. Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Jade Cross Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 I never said that I had a partner to begin with. Link to post Share on other sites
dissolved Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 Most relationships when you're in your teens, 20s and often 30s are transient. Edited for clarity and brevity Still no reason to be all like "you're young so there's no reason to take this one seriously" because that logic could easily be extended to other ages. Rest of your post, though, was spot on. Of course it can, because there are always exceptions to a generalisation. I didn't mean young therefore not serious, I meant young therefore probably not going to last due to the various things life throws at you. The matter of seriousness didn't really come into what I was saying. But you know, experiencing people around me live their lives, there is a general trend towards being older and relationships lasting longer, probably because people are more inclined to put in effort and hopefully work through incompatibilities as best they can because starting again in your 50s or whatever is a pain in the arse. That and they learn to spot majorly incompatible people early on and know that a relationship is unlikely work. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 I was taking it as a general point. Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 If you are not having sex because of your beliefs, that makes you celibate or abstinent or possibly antisexual. If you are not having sex because you just don't have the slightest desire to, that makes you asexual. It's also possible for someone not to be having sex due to disability or lack of opportunity, etc. If you just announce that you are proud of never having had sex, I don't think that gives enough information to let people know what response is appropriate. It would be pretty awkward and confusing. Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Jade Cross Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 My point is that a culture has overwhelming pressure on its population and many (not all) seek to uphold that culture because otherwise they risk social exile, this being done as either concious or unconscious effort. In a culture that promotes sex, the desire may stem from within but for those people that it doesnt, theyre going to try and find it nonetheless because of its percieved normalcy. Link to post Share on other sites
OutsideObserver Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 My point is that a culture has overwhelming pressure on its population and many (not all) seek to uphold that culture because otherwise they risk social exile, this being done as either concious or unconscious effort. In a culture that promotes sex, the desire may stem from within but for those people that it doesnt, theyre going to try and find it nonetheless because of its percieved normalcy. I think his point was that nearly all sexuals would still desperately want sex in their romantic relationships no matter what society's standards are. People want sex in sexually-free societies, and they want sex in sexually-repressed societies. It's inherent in sexual people, and societies actually have very little control over that (i.e. sorry asexuals, we are not being brainwashed by society to want sex, and changing how society views sex isn't going to magically make us more asexual). It's the "outsider" demographics (asexuals, homosexuals, non-binary people, etc.) that suffer the most from preconceived notions about sex and relationships, Cis-Gendered Hetero people (ok, cis-gendered hetero men) generally shape society to their needs, not the other way around. Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Jade Cross Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 I already acknoledged that in the last post. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 I'm just gonna drop this here to remind people that sexuals saying they can live with sex is quite common... actually doing it, far less common: Hey, I'm a repulsed asexual. I love to cuddle, kiss, and I'm a touchy person. I am pretty much interested in anything sensual but clothed and no genitals etc etc. I'm very romantic and affectionate. My boyfriend is the most understanding guy I have ever met. He wanted to wait until marriage, but there is nothing to wait for with me. I never want to have sex. He knew that from day 1, and said he would be okay with it. More recently, he gets upset that it will never be part of our future. He didn't know it would be this hard in a relationship. He is very romantic about it and not so much preoccupied with the physical/pleasure side of things. He sees it as the highest form of intimacy and stuff, which I definitely disagree with. I like his views, but I can't live by them exactly. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 If it was an asexual saying they're going to be fine having sex with their partner forever, I'd be every bit as skeptical. Link to post Share on other sites
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