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Should Sexual People Want Sex?


Zargos

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Hi there

I am still figuring out my sexuality (or lack of) but I tentatively classify myself as a somewhat repulsed asexual.

I have never had a romantic relationship before but I have become friends recently with a guy who wants us to be together that way in a long term relationship. I am sightly confused about my feelings towards him and I also have a few things to figure out before I get into a relationship (one being my sexuality).

I have mentioned asexuality to him before and today I explained why us being together may be problematic (as he is, as far as I know, heterosexual). I don't think I could have been more shocked with his reply to be honest. He told me that we do not have to have sex. Like, ever. To me, that is completely reasonable. In fact, it is something I could only dream of. I simply cannot see myself in a sexual relationship and I could never compromise with an "open relationship" or anything like that. I definitely do not expect other people to understand this though. I know that my thoughts are incomprehensible to most of my peers which is why I keep them to myself mainly. I expect that the average guy could not imagine life without sex. But this guy literally said he does not have a problem staying a virgin for the rest of his life. (I forgot to mention that we are both virgins).I am completely and utterly confused. This was honestly the last thing I expected.

I guess this is sort of a rant but I am really keen to hear what others think. Is this normal? Is the guy asexual and just doesn't want to admit it? Although there is a difference between abstinence and actually not having sexual desire, most guys I know could not comprehend a relationship without sex. I just don't understand. I would love others' thoughts on this, whether you are an asexual or a sexual person. Thanks in advance for any feedback :)

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Pearlygates

Of course not all sexual people should want sex.... Just because you're sexual doesn't mean that you're going to sleep around with everyone you see/meet or else we would have much more people on earth than we already are. (joking aside.) Just because you're heterosexual doesn't automatically mean that you want to sleep with all women you see and meet. we all got our preferences in whatever sexuality you are. And if you're sexual and you don't want sex maybe it's a medical condition mentally/physically and you could see a doctor if everything is fine with your body's hormone etc.

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Not all sexuals see sex as very important. But beware, it is far more likely he just doesn't know what he's saying.. It's kind of common, actually.

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Telecaster68
it is far more likely he just doesn't know what he's saying..

Especially as he's a virgin. He thinks now he'll be fine with no sex because he wants to be, to be with you. But at some point he'll realise that this means no sex, ever, and unless he's asexual, he won't be fine with this. At best he'll tolerate it, and sooner or later it will become a point of tension in your relationship. You two might be able to deal with that tension, but it will still be there.

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Or your partner was very unlucky..

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OutsideObserver

I would echo the sentiment of the sexual posters above; my knee-jerk reaction is that he is very sure of something that he will likely not feel the same about in a year, or five years.

When I was a virgin I dated a girl who I did not have sex with the entire time we dated, and I was fine with it (in the sense that my frustration and sadness over sexlessness was this internal thing that I didn't attribute to or blame on other people). However, the options at the time were date this girl or date no one at all, and I didn't really know what I was missing anyway.

Now that I am not a virgin I would never, ever, ever accept a sexless relationship. My perspective on the matter is much clearer now a few decades later.

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It's not impossible for a sexual to never have sex, but if he is a sexual (experiencing sexual attraction) at some point he's going to want sex or at least some kind of sexual intimacy and denying that fact can be damaging...

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Lord Jade Cross

Whoah hang on a second here. Did I just misread all the previous posts or did you guys do a reverse psychology take on this?

Doesnt the usual scenario of ace/sexual relationships go that aces think sexuals are sex crazed momsters because they cannot comprehend a person actively wanting sex and sexuals do the same in reverse not being able to comprehend a person never wanting sex. This usually leaning to many heated arguments coming from both sides? But in a scenario where theres a possible match up between an ace and a sexual suddenly proceeding with it means that the guy will be some poor bastard doomed to a sexless relationship even though he stated that he'd be ok with no sex, all on account on the guy being a virgin?

What did I miss here?

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nanogretchen4

By definition, sexuals want to have sex. This guy is quite easily agreeing to no sex with anyone ever for the rest of his life. The most likely explanation is that he is making a rash promise. There is a small possibility that he is also asexual, or that he has some other reason for preferring not to have sex.

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Lord Jade Cross

Two takes on this. Lets say that the guy is in fact ace himself and thats the reason he agreed on point without a second though that he be ok with no sex.

Why would be entirely farfetched to think that even if he was sexual, he couldnt agree the same way? From what Ive seen on the forum sexuals dont have the same level of libido/horniness/desire/whatever the devil its called, some even have a level low enough that the question of "are they really sexuals" arises. So given that fact how is it that suddenly its being jumped to that a relationship where a "no sex thanks" as a immediate response is code for "you poor miserable bastard".

Dont take me wrong but even if it was the case that the guy is sexual, are we saying that humans are incapable of living a life outside of what an urge commands them?

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Telecaster68
Lets say that the guy is in fact ace himself and thats the reason he agreed on point without a second though that he be ok with no sex.

Yep, it's possible. Statistically very unlikely, but possible.

Why would be entirely farfetched to think that even if he was sexual, he couldnt agree the same way?

Because the definition of being a sexual is that you want to have sex and that need, particularly in a relationship, is really, really strong and deepseated.

how is it that suddenly its being jumped to that a relationship where a "no sex thanks" as a immediate response is code for "you poor miserable bastard".

It's not. What people who've been in that situation - actually, who've been in a sexless relationship for a length of time - are saying is that he might genuinely think that now, but it's extremely rare for sexuals to stay that way. It's far more common (read some posts) for people to say they're okay with it at the start of relationships, because they want to convince themselves they are, and then find they're not. Asexuals sometimes do the same the other way round. Both situations are far more common than sexuals being perfectly happy with the reality of never having sex again.

aree we saying that humans are incapable of living a life outside of what an urge commands them?

In the case of sex, they can do it, but overwhelmingly, they're miserable. Flip it round - are we saying that asexuals are incapable of living a life outside of what an urge to not have sex commands them?

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Whoah hang on a second here. Did I just misread all the previous posts or did you guys do a reverse psychology take on this?

Doesnt the usual scenario of ace/sexual relationships go that aces think sexuals are sex crazed momsters because they cannot comprehend a person actively wanting sex and sexuals do the same in reverse not being able to comprehend a person never wanting sex. This usually leaning to many heated arguments coming from both sides? But in a scenario where theres a possible match up between an ace and a sexual suddenly proceeding with it means that the guy will be some poor bastard doomed to a sexless relationship even though he stated that he'd be ok with no sex, all on account on the guy being a virgin?

What did I miss here?

It's because I've read that exact same type of story several times before, and every time the asexual came back later to report that they weren't okay without sex, after all..

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Lord Jade Cross

Lets say that the guy is in fact ace himself and thats the reason he agreed on point without a second though that he be ok with no sex.

Yep, it's possible. Statistically very unlikely, but possible.

Why would be entirely farfetched to think that even if he was sexual, he couldnt agree the same way?

Because the definition of being a sexual is that you want to have sex and that need, particularly in a relationship, is really, really strong and deepseated.

how is it that suddenly its being jumped to that a relationship where a "no sex thanks" as a immediate response is code for "you poor miserable bastard".

It's not. What people who've been in that situation - actually, who've been in a sexless relationship for a length of time - are saying is that he might genuinely think that now, but it's extremely rare for sexuals to stay that way. It's far more common (read some posts) for people to say they're okay with it at the start of relationships, because they want to convince themselves they are, and then find they're not. Asexuals sometimes do the same the other way round. Both situations are far more common than sexuals being perfectly happy with the reality of never having sex again.

aree we saying that humans are incapable of living a life outside of what an urge commands them?

In the case of sex, they can do it, but overwhelmingly, they're miserable. Flip it round - are we saying that asexuals are incapable of living a life outside of what an urge to not have sex commands them?

The thing about this last part is that there isnt a urge that commands us not to have sex. We would have to have an initial urge to have sex to then have a subsequent, much more stronger urge that says "Dont do it". It be like saying that you want to transform matter without there being anything there to use as base to begin with.

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Member54880

Has your partner said anything about him having already chosen to never have sex before you met him, or does he feel that sex is of a low enough priority that doesn't mind not having it?

Non-asexual people can value sex differently in their lives from one another. Some do feel like they can't have a committed relationship without sex. Others might not mind abstaining from it as part of a compromise with an asexual partner, or just don't care about seeking it out that much and it might not have been much of a priority to them. There are also others who for various reasons, never want to have sex despite desiring it, but they are happy to never have it.

Here are some of the possible reasons: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/141189-what-might-lead-a-character-to-reject-sex/?p=1061799241

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Telecaster68

Lets say that the guy is in fact ace himself and thats the reason he agreed on point without a second though that he be ok with no sex.

Yep, it's possible. Statistically very unlikely, but possible.

Why would be entirely farfetched to think that even if he was sexual, he couldnt agree the same way?

Because the definition of being a sexual is that you want to have sex and that need, particularly in a relationship, is really, really strong and deepseated.

how is it that suddenly its being jumped to that a relationship where a "no sex thanks" as a immediate response is code for "you poor miserable bastard".

It's not. What people who've been in that situation - actually, who've been in a sexless relationship for a length of time - are saying is that he might genuinely think that now, but it's extremely rare for sexuals to stay that way. It's far more common (read some posts) for people to say they're okay with it at the start of relationships, because they want to convince themselves they are, and then find they're not. Asexuals sometimes do the same the other way round. Both situations are far more common than sexuals being perfectly happy with the reality of never having sex again.

aree we saying that humans are incapable of living a life outside of what an urge commands them?

In the case of sex, they can do it, but overwhelmingly, they're miserable. Flip it round - are we saying that asexuals are incapable of living a life outside of what an urge to not have sex commands them?

The thing about this last part is that there isnt a urge that commands us not to have sex. We would have to have an initial urge to have sex to then have a subsequent, much more stronger urge that says "Dont do it". It be like saying that you want to transform matter without there being anything there to use as base to begin with.

There's clearly something strong going on about not having sex with most asexuals, or they'd be fine with having sex as much as their partners wanted, and they're not.

But that's all irrelevant to the original point, anyhow.

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Telecaster68

Some do feel like they can't have a committed relationship without sex. Others might not mind abstaining...

Those 'others' are a tiny, tiny minority. It's not helpful to phrase things like it's 50-50.

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It would not be a good idea to rely on how someone feels about sex if they are still a virgin.

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It would not be a good idea to rely on how someone feels about sex if they are still a virgin.

Uhm.. Are you saying all asexuals should have sex at least once?

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Lord Jade Cross

Lets say that the guy is in fact ace himself and thats the reason he agreed on point without a second though that he be ok with no sex.

Yep, it's possible. Statistically very unlikely, but possible.

Why would be entirely farfetched to think that even if he was sexual, he couldnt agree the same way?

Because the definition of being a sexual is that you want to have sex and that need, particularly in a relationship, is really, really strong and deepseated.

how is it that suddenly its being jumped to that a relationship where a "no sex thanks" as a immediate response is code for "you poor miserable bastard".

It's not. What people who've been in that situation - actually, who've been in a sexless relationship for a length of time - are saying is that he might genuinely think that now, but it's extremely rare for sexuals to stay that way. It's far more common (read some posts) for people to say they're okay with it at the start of relationships, because they want to convince themselves they are, and then find they're not. Asexuals sometimes do the same the other way round. Both situations are far more common than sexuals being perfectly happy with the reality of never having sex again.

aree we saying that humans are incapable of living a life outside of what an urge commands them?

In the case of sex, they can do it, but overwhelmingly, they're miserable. Flip it round - are we saying that asexuals are incapable of living a life outside of what an urge to not have sex commands them?

The thing about this last part is that there isnt a urge that commands us not to have sex. We would have to have an initial urge to have sex to then have a subsequent, much more stronger urge that says "Dont do it". It be like saying that you want to transform matter without there being anything there to use as base to begin with.

There's clearly something strong going on about not having sex with most asexuals, or they'd be fine with having sex as much as their partners wanted, and they're not.

But that's all irrelevant to the original point, anyhow.

Sex is a two way street. Even sexuals partners themselves have discrepancies from time to time when it comes to sex. I dont think saying that asexuals would be having sex as much as their partners wanted is accurate.

There are even asexuals who will comply for the sake of their partners so its not a univesal thing that all aces are sex repulsed.

A more accurate comparison (since its used alot) is like saying that you have food served in front of you but you arent hungry.

True we are getting off from the OPs question here but it kind of happens alot in many threads.

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Lord Jade Cross

It would not be a good idea to rely on how someone feels about sex if they are still a virgin.

Uhm.. Are you saying all asexuals should have sex at least once?

I agree. Lots of aces have stated that having had sex not only didnt change their minds, aside from becoming even more convinced about their position on it but also some have downright regreted having undergone the whole thing, making them even more adverse if not repulsed by the act.

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andreas1033

Maybe he just does not know what an asexual is.

Everyone has a different amount of drives. Just that people like us whom are asexual, do not have enough of a drive to want sex, or see people as sexually attractive, and people to want to have sex with, no matter who they are.

So, everyone has a different drive. Some very aggressive, and some have virtually no drive like us, which means we do not actually want sex.

I also think asexuals as males especially, will essentially end up as eunucks, which means there testicles really do not mean much, and the drive that most males have from them, is not there.

Essentially if your a male asexual, you will end up like a eunuck essentially, by some age, probably mid 20's. Essentially this means your testicles do not really have anything in them, like essentially what a eunuck was, when eunucks were a real thing in the past.

Males get alot of there drive from there testicles, and if they have very little, in what asexuals are, the testicles will essentially end up being nothing really.

So if he is a asexual male, i can see how he could have a relationship with you, without sex, if his sex drive is too low for him to want that stuff.

Thats of course if he is asexual. There could be other reasons why he does not want sex, like traumas as a kid, that block out wanting real sex. Male sexuality is very easy to mess up when your a kid, far more so than a female when she is young.

I can understand why he may want a girlfriend, but without sex. Asexuals still may need to be loved. A male needs a certain amount of sex drive to have sex with a female. Like i said, it comes from his testicles. A male needs a certain amount of drive, to actually want sex and have sex with a female.

So maybe you understand an asexual from a males point of view more, from an asexual male.

Essentially if a male knows he is asexual, by some age, he will effectively become a eunuck. Meaning his testicles, will mean nothing. This is mainly where males get there sex drive from.

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If he says he's fine, and it's that simple, I'd listen to him!

No reason to be freaking out.

Apparently he is proof that, yea, some people are okay with a "celibate" relationship. It's possible.

He answers your question.

There is no guarantee that he will change his mind and decide that he can't live without sex. If that happens, then you'll cross that bridge when you come to it.

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Lord Jade Cross

Maybe he just does not know what an asexual is.

Everyone has a different amount of drives. Just that people like us whom are asexual, do not have enough of a drive to want sex, or see people as sexually attractive, and people to want to have sex with, no matter who they are.

So, everyone has a different drive. Some very aggressive, and some have virtually no drive like us, which means we do not actually want sex.

I also think asexuals as males especially, will essentially end up as eunucks, which means there testicles really do not mean much, and the drive that most males have from them, is not there.

Essentially if your a male asexual, you will end up like a eunuck essentially, by some age, probably mid 20's. Essentially this means your testicles do not really have anything in them, like essentially what a eunuck was, when eunucks were a real thing in the past.

Males get alot of there drive from there testicles, and if they have very little, in what asexuals are, the testicles will essentially end up being nothing really.

So if he is a asexual male, i can see how he could have a relationship with you, without sex, if his sex drive is too low for him to want that stuff.

Thats of course if he is asexual. There could be other reasons why he does not want sex, like traumas as a kid, that block out wanting real sex. Male sexuality is very easy to mess up when your a kid, far more so than a female when she is young.

I can understand why he may want a girlfriend, but without sex. Asexuals still may need to be loved. A male needs a certain amount of sex drive to have sex with a female. Like i said, it comes from his testicles. A male needs a certain amount of drive, to actually want sex and have sex with a female.

So maybe you understand an asexual from a males point of view more, from an asexual male.

Essentially if a male knows he is asexual, by some age, he will effectively become a eunuck. Meaning his testicles, will mean nothing. This is mainly where males get there sex drive from.

I understand what your saying but the way your phrasing it sounds as if asexual males will have to have to undergo surgery to remove their genitals just because they are using them for sexual purposes.

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andreas1033

I understand what your saying but the way your phrasing it sounds as if asexual males will have to have to undergo surgery to remove their genitals just because they are using them for sexual purposes.

No, if your asexual, it will happen, without an operation.

Its what is supposed to happen to buddhist monks and catholic priests. They are supposed to end up essentially euncks.

The male testicles will essentially give the male no real drive at this stage.

A male needs a sex drive, and quite a bit to have sex with a female. If its too small, ie that drive, you get a male whom is asexual. If that male stays a virgin, then eventually he will become a eunuck. Of course he still has testicles, but really they do not provide any real drive to have sex in him at that stage.

Thats only if he really is asexual.

There is other reasons why a male may not have a sex drive. Trauma, may cause him to stay away from sex too, and many other things.

I am just telling you what happens if he really is asexual, and stays a virgin.

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I agree with everybody else above: Eternal virginity might be a not too complicated option. If a sexless relationship works out depends on the settings. - More (or at least separatable!) space = less problems.

Everything else: I don't know or care how common which shade of rather asexual grey might be. - If you played the lottery would you worry about "normality" of winning it? - Its rare, it happens enjoy!

Be cautious as usual though and quit, if it doesn't last or work out.

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Wow so many replies. Okay I think I should mention a few things.

Firstly, if there is anyone I would believe would think this way and believe that sex is not necessary, it is this guy. Despite my shock, it is nothing compared to what it would be if any other male told me this.

This guy's views on many topics are vastly different from most of the people our age and his views about relationships are too. I did consider that he is just saying that he will go without sex just so we can be together and either plans on persuading me later or simply does not realise what he is actually saying. However, I wouldn't be surprised if he is asexual and it is possible that he is able to abstain from sex without it being too much of a sacrifice.

From what I can tell (we haven't actually had an in depth conversation about it), he is quite disgusted with the way many relationships these days are based simply on sex. I mentioned to him a while back that I was possibly asexual and he told me he didn't want me to be attracted to him sexually anyway.

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You guys are young and, no offense, but you're not going to end up together anyway. Because you're young. So have fun and do your thing, and be open to parting ways when that time comes.

On the corollary question, I agree with everyone else... a teenage virgin is like the absolute last person you should put a ton of faith in regarding their statements of lifelong celibate intent. Very few people end up being who their teenage selves thought they'd be. That's just part of life.

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Apparently he is proof that, yea, some people are okay with a "celibate" relationship. It's possible.

Saying you can do a thing is vastly different from actually doing that thing. So many sexual partners on AVEN originally said they could live without sex... saying it (even believing it) is much easier than actually doing it.

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You guys are young and, no offense, but you're not going to end up together anyway. Because you're young. So have fun and do your thing, and be open to parting ways when that time comes.

When you say we're not going to end up together anyway, do you mean it won't last? I don't see the point going into a relationship without the intention of it being long term. I don't think our age defines the length of time our relationship will survive. I understand what you mean, because obviously young people are generally less experienced than older people who have lived more, but I still think this should not mean that our relationship is short-lived and relatively meaningless in the scheme of things.

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Especially as he's a virgin. He thinks now he'll be fine with no sex because he wants to be, to be with you. But at some point he'll realise that this means no sex, ever, and unless he's asexual, he won't be fine with this. At best he'll tolerate it, and sooner or later it will become a point of tension in your relationship. You two might be able to deal with that tension, but it will still be there.

Presumptuous

Or your partner was very unlucky..

Rather uncalled for

You guys are young and, no offense, but you're not going to end up together anyway. Because you're young.

Both

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