When Your Partner Wants More

[Colton the Penguin]

Hello there. I'm an asexual male. And heteroromantic. And only 13 years old. And man, do I have a story for you. Back when I was just a wee li'l 12 year old, I had my first crush. Now it was with this girl who shared a lot of interests with me. She liked me too so we went out for over a year. We just went to movies or for walks around town. We didn't kiss until late in the game. I loved her. Anyways, she told me she was bisexual. She came out to me. I was one of the first people she said this too. By that time I was questioning whether I was asexual or not so I didn't tell her anything. Eventually, she asked me why I never make moves or stuff like that. Yeah, I couldn't answer. A couple weeks later she told me she liked some girl and broke up with me and started dating her. So that was that. I was SO confused on why she said she wanted more. I was happy with the little romance we had going. And that's when I discovered I was asexual. Now this girl was my first love. I'll never get that back. I couldn't supply what she wanted. More. I hate what puberty and hormones do to minds... Anyways, has anyone else had that type of thing happen? Just wondering. And props to you for reading this whole thing!

[Star Bit]

She was expecting sex at 12 years old?? Alot of people don't even start really desiring it till 15.

And saying "wee lil" when referring to my year past self feels self-degrading.

:D When i was an itty bitty 24 year old. (Which has a punch line kuz I'm rather small)

[SithLord]

I was like that with my first boyfriend, though I was 15 and he 16 at the time. He later apologized for our break up, thinking it was his fault, and I never got around to telling him that I'm asexual. I can't imagine going through that earlier and didn't come to identify as ace until I was 18.

[nanogretchen4]

On average girls start puberty about a year earlier than boys, and the difference is particularly noticeable around age twelve. I don't think it's in any way unusual for a twelve year old not to want to have sex or make any "moves". That's six years below the age of consent in many States. Personally I didn't date until age 16. Some of my friends started dating at 15 or maybe 14, but nobody was allowed to go on couple dates before high school. I'm sorry if you're already getting sexual pressure in middle school. That's really the pits.

[OutsideObserver]

If I had been pressured for sex at 13, I would have done what you did, and I am most definitely not asexual.

Believe me when I tell you I am not trying to sound condescending, but you are too young to be worrying about stuff like this. I have to imagine there are other girls your age who aren't ready for any more than what you yourself want (affection, holding hands, etc.), whether or not they will want a sexual relationship when they are older. I would try my best to stay positive and just do your thing for right now.

[ChrisCate]

Hello friend! Really? You are only 13 years old, but you already think of such things? At your age I was studying well and all I was looking for in internet was how write my essay to receive excellent grades. Do not worry, all teenagers are going through difficult period. You will get over it soon..I hope..

[MrDane]

At age 13, you should not focus so much on labelling yourself! Just try to express what you feel and what you want for the time being! And as a grown up, teacher, father... No need to rush into sex! To me, above 16 would be a must!

[Guest]

And only 13 years old. And man, do I have a story for you. Back when I was just a wee li'l 12 year old, I had my first crush.

Heehee, when i read this i was like:

I remember thinking about my gameboy and nes when i had your age!

Well as for relationships: You are still young and have plenty time so dont worry, there will be one day where you will find out what is best for you and how you want things to be in a relationship.

However, you are never too young to figure out your sexuality and if you do, please take the time and just ask around and talk to others who might help you figure stuff out.

[Guest]

If I had been pressured for sex at 13, I would have done what you did, and I am most definitely not asexual.

Believe me when I tell you I am not trying to sound condescending, but you are too young to be worrying about stuff like this. I have to imagine there are other girls your age who aren't ready for any more than what you yourself want (affection, holding hands, etc.), whether or not they will want a sexual relationship when they are older. I would try my best to stay positive and just do your thing for right now.

x2

I started dating when I was 15, had my first kiss at 16, had sex with a girl the first time at 18, and with a boy at 21. When I was 12 I was playing with G.I. Joes.

Ok, actually, I did "date" when I was a kid, in the way the OP is describing. I had a "boyfriend" when I was 9, and again when I was 12ish (I honestly don't recall anymore... like, 5th, 6th grade?). We didn't kiss or anything. At most we held hands, went to movies, walked around... with my "boyfriend" I had when I was 9, we'd go catch crayfish in the creek. *shrugs* No one made any moves because we were kiddos.

[dissolved]

Yeah I'm not asexual, but as to what I was doing at 12 and 13 - falling out of trees and generally being an idiot with my friends. That's what kids do. I knew a girl who got pregnant at 11 (she was in a different realm of idiocy to me) but she was the odd one, not the rest if us who didn't give a shit about sex until far later in our teens.

[Telecaster68]

When I was 12, I was simultaneously terrified of and horny as hell for a girl in my year who was constantly making a play for me in very direct terms, and had keen interest in how most of the girls' blouses were getting filled out. I suspect if someone had pointed me at a load of stuff about being asexual at that point I'd have lapped it up. After all, I had the libido, in theory I could imagine doing sexual stuff, but had no inclination when it came to the reality offered up on a plate, and was baffled by how the pubescent pairings that were starting around me worked.

As it turned out, I wasn't in the least asexual, just very, very fucked up.

[binary suns]

teehee. when i was in sixth grade, I timed two lovebirds daringly giving eachother a 12 second static kiss. and all three of us thought they were so amazing for being able to do that. we were sitting in beanbag chairs in the rec room at our private school.

another time in that year. this 5th grade girl spread rumors that I had a crush on her because I looked in the window of her classroom and apparently winked at her?

this one girl when I was in 10th grade wanted me to date her but couldn't ask me out for some reason. she got mad at me for not asking her out I guess. in 11th grade I had a friend who I'd cuddle with during Anime Club and she was definitely doing it out of friends interest, as was I. but I felt kind of embarrassed about it because I was afraid people would spread rumors of us dating..

When I was in freshman year of college this one friend I hung out in this room with friends. and this one friend I was by chance laying in her bed exhausted and about a minute from saying good night and then leaving. when she lay down with me and the lights turned out... it became awkward when my insomnia was clearly keeping her up so I left. then things got tense between me and the friends... :(

a year later I was in a larger friend group with some sophomores and mostly freshman. this one girl asked me to go with her and her roomate on a double date as a friend because her roomate didn't want to go on the date alone. so I agreed. then I started to suspect after it, that it had been a real date secretly... then about a week later she said she couldn't be my friend anymore because things were too awkward...

I had my first actual girlfriend the following year, a junior in college. we got kind of frisky, including some nudity arousal and like twice or four times total it got to sexual touching... but we were both too not ready for sex that the touching would lead us to stop being frisky, and just cuddle for a bit then do something else. we broke up after a few months because i actually dunno. I actually kind of suspect she was aromantic, but sexual.

my second girlfriend I met the following summer, we broke up after a month because I was asexual I think. I had my third girlfriend later that fall. by winter we were very sexually active. it was too much for me... and I broke up with her... in a very poorly planned and overly prolonged way... and it took me a year after that to realize why it was too much...

so basically it took me 11 years from 6th grade to kind of realize that I might be asexual. and then another 2 years after then to realize that I'm actually more grey than ace.

[Lord Jade Cross]

At 12 I was trying to catch a Chansey.

[Telecaster68]

Jade

Good question. I've asked that one a few times and aces say 'you just know'. Not sure how, as they have no other experience to compare it with.

Red

Up to 21, my 'dating' history was the same kind litany of misunderstandings, embarrasment, and half-assedness. I once literally jumped away from a girl who put her arm round me. When I was 14, the girl who I lusted after and was scared of invited me up to her bedroom, lay on her bed and said 'come and sit with me'. I almost literally ran away. A friend set me up with her sister, who was really attractive, and I pulled away when she tried to hold my hand and missed her expecting kisses about five times when (in retrospect) she had so clearly set up the opportunity. After a party - one of those late teens drink and everyone copping off ones - I stayed over at, and the hpstess said 'I'm in bed, come and kiss me goodnight'. I said, 'it's okay' and slept on the sofa. Even the Italian girl to whom I lost my virginity in Paris had to pretty much throw herself at me, twice. I was horny, but there felt like a kind of barrier stopping me actually doing anything about it.

Those are just the clearcut ones.

My point is that if I'd been given the concept of asexuality to think about when I was 13, I had a such long way to go before I was remotely comfortabke with my sexuality that I'd have given it serious, actually painfully earnest, consideration and had AVEN existed probably been making 'Am I asexual posts' and being told 'only you know, but sounds like quite probably'.

And I had no way of knowing differently till I was 21 and had just about developed enough self knowledge to think that actually there was no harm in giving the Italian girl a second chance.

[Lord Jade Cross]

You know reading that reminded me of something I was told once. If many girls had expressed interest in me growing up, why had I not let things progress? I might have found myself in a situation that could have led up to sex which may or may not have shifted my mentality about the whole process.

In retrospect, it was a logically accurate question. However given the circumstances at the times, had I actually attempted anything like that, I would have had two beatings, one from my mother, probably a long talk from some other family members as sex was a big no and then another beating by my father.

The irony of it all is still that they question me about it. Had the case been that I did indeed had any desires during all that, what difference would it have made if I was going to come home to get a beating from my parents?

Anyone care to enlighten me on parental mentality?, because I dont think ignorance quite cuts it.

[Telecaster68]

Almost everybody lies to their parents about their first sexual encounters so they probably assumed you'd do it anyway. And also for most people, beatings would be worth it, unless they were truly vicious.

[Lord Jade Cross]

So why the questioning then? If all parents assume youre going to lie about having done it, why pester me about it for years?

I dont know what level of beating would be considered vicious given upbringing. If you say beating until you bleed, then my folks wouldn't have gone that far (maybe). But by no means was a beating tolerable especially when they lost their tempers in the same way I see myself doing it now.

They have only in recent years said they would back off but by no means have they given up on the idea. So whats missing here?

[Telecaster68]

The questioming would be to see if you would admit it, against the odds, and so they felt they'd done their utmost to protect Little Nid from the evils of sex, I'd guess.

They sound horribly strict though.

[Lord Jade Cross]

Once or twice I could understand because it be logical if I said "I didnt do" and they went "mmhmm are you sure?" but years is just beyond ridiculous.

Plus the question still remains in a sense. If as a parent you do what you consider the upmost to "protect" your kid from sex (even though you know that at some point he's likely to do it) why the devil question him later on for years about his lack in it?

Shouldnt they have been kicking themselves in the chest with a great big "I save my son from sex" mentality? How does it go from "I saved him from sex" to (indirectly) "why arent you having sex?"

Odd as it may sound, more than a beating from my parents, it would have been much more psychologically damaging to have felt like I dissapointed them.

[Guest]

Really, Jade? You don't get the difference between children and adults? Come on, now.

[Lord Jade Cross]

Adults know kids at some point are going to be interested is sex do they not? How is "protecting" them beneficial to the overall wellbeing of a kid instead of educating them?

Again the question reiterates itself. Lets assume "Ok my parents are just looking out for me however misguided they are going about it". Thats all well and good and bordeline understandable. But why the later questioning?

[Guest]

Oh, also... there's not a single doubt in my mind that I would have ID'd as asexual if it existed back then, and I'd have been quite obnoxious about it too.

[Guest]

Adults know kids at some point are going to be i terested is sex do they not? How is "protecting" them beneficial to the overall wellbeing of a kid instead of educating them?

I don't really know what you're asking, but like, think about pregnancy. Does it really boggle your mind so much that you may want to protect your kid from getting pregnant but may expect your 30 year old offspring to get pregnant? I mean, some things that are good for adults aren't good for kids, and that shouldn't be too hard to understand.

[dissolved]

Most parents know that it's inevitable that their kid's going to end up having sex, but it doesn't mean they're happy about it. My mother was under the illusion that I was a virgin at 21 (haha said goodbye to that at 15) and that suited her fine. Parents in particular seem to be more protective over their daughters... something to do with being "violated" I'm guessing, whereas I know a lot of guys (my cousins included) who were actively encouraged to "violate".

[OutsideObserver]

Adults know kids at some point are going to be i terested is sex do they not? How is "protecting" them beneficial to the overall wellbeing of a kid instead of educating them?

Because talking to your own children about sex is hard in Western society. Smart parents understand that they need to tell their kids to not be afraid of sex... just the bad things that could happen from sex (STIs, unwanted pregnancies, you or your partner's hearts getting broken, etc.) and to be prepared and protected, but they tell them that it's natural to someday pursue that with someone special, and that's a good thing for most people.

[Lord Jade Cross]

Again the attention is on the "later" factor of the scenario. Lets say (to avoid any misunderstandings) that its a matter of safety, good so far. And that parents, in their often misguided but loving nature are only wanting to look out for what they think should be your best interest; not necessarily true because its just their interests but again safety so we'll say its good.

So as parents you successfully prevent your kid from getting into any sexual situation because as a parent you dont want anything bad to happen to them. Again ok so far.

The question is why does it become a subject of such interest if the upbringing itself was clearly againts it?.

Its like saying "Hey son, you know that really bad thing we told you you should never ever do? Well its ok, you can do it now" and upon hearing the response "Nah its cool dad, I have much better things to look forward to than wasting my time putting myself at risk by having sex with other people" the response being "But why? Arent you i terested in sex" and the response being "Nah it doesnt look that interesting. Besides you always told me that it was so bad I should never do it. Thanks for the great advice. See you later"

But the "why dont you want to have sex?" question continuously being asked even though they already got an answer, one that was made based on the teachings and rules they so strictly taught.

To make it shorter, what has puzzled me is that they have essemtially pestered me about the very thing they always said never to do. Shouldnt they be happy for me? That I decided not to have sex back then and I dont want to have sex now? Why is it that now is so maddeningly important that I participate in sex if the very foundation of it in the house was "No sex, EVER!

[Guest]

Mmm, some kids develop sexually faster than others. However, sometimes you kinda know how you feel in terms of people as well early. I knew I was different at 13. So, OP, use the label if it fits you. But, also be open to it potentially changing as you grow. Through our teen years we discover a lot about ourselves. And, even at 29, I can learn new things about myself all the time. I could be demisexual, for all I know - not likely, but you never know. However, none of that invalidates the fact I currently ID more strongly with asexual. So, be open, but be you.

As for sex at your age... it's not uncommon to not be interested in it and you should be able to find a girl who won't push for that, if you want to. :)

[Lord Jade Cross]

On second thought, lets just forget about the question. Sorry for hikacking the thread a bit there.

[Guest]

On second thought, lets just forget about the question. Sorry for hikacking the thread a bit there.

Why do parents make their kids always be polite, always say please and thank you, but when they grow up, expect their kids to have a backbone and stand up for themselves?

Why do parents tell kids that Santa exists, only to rip it away?

Why do parents tell kids to never, ever, EVER go near fire, only to later strongly encourage firemaking?

Why do parents tell kids that if they get near an electrical outlet they'll get electrocuted, only to, later in life, make their kids plug in the vacuum cleaner to do their chores?

Why do parents tell their kids that they'll drown in an undertow in the ocean if they swim too far out, only to encourage their kids to swim when they're older?

Why do parents tell their kids they should never, ever, ever, ever under any circumstances get in a car with strangers, yet find it bewildering when their adult children refuse to interact with strangers?

I mean, I could go on and on all day long. The reason for all of those is: kids and adults are different, can handle different levels of information, reasoning, risk evaluations, moral considerations, etc.

[Snao Cone]

I would've thought I was precociously sexual at 12, but just too ugly to find a boy who liked me. In the end it just turned out that I was more aware of sexuality because of one friend who taught me lots of dirty things, and reading books meant for my older sister (on puberty/maturation, not smut).

To the OP: I echo the comments about the possibility of things changing for you. Don't force yourself into any box or situation where you're not comfortable. This means not having sex if you don't want to, even if you feel pressured by the other person or your friends. This also means not denying sexual feelings you may have, even if they mean you might not be asexual. A lot of people will tell you you're just a late bloomer. That may be the case, but the important message to spread is that asexuality is a legitimate orientation.