When Your Partner Wants More

[Lord Jade Cross]

On second thought, lets just forget about the question. Sorry for hikacking the thread a bit there.

Why do parents make their kids always be polite, always say please and thank you, but when they grow up, expect their kids to have a backbone and stand up for themselves?

Why do parents tell kids that Santa exists, only to rip it away?

Why do parents tell kids to never, ever, EVER go near fire, only to later strongly encourage firemaking?

Why do parents tell kids that if they get near an electrical outlet they'll get electrocuted, only to, later in life, make their kids plug in the vacuum cleaner to do their chores?

Why do parents tell their kids that they'll drown in an undertow in the ocean if they swim too far out, only to encourage their kids to swim when they're older?

Why do parents tell their kids they should never, ever, ever, ever under any circumstances get in a car with strangers, yet find it bewildering when their adult children refuse to interact with strangers?

I mean, I could go on and on all day long. The reason for all of those is: kids and adults are different, can handle different levels of information, reasoning, risk evaluations, moral considerations, etc.

Again, lets just leave it as it is.

[Lord Jade Cross]

Allright my curiosity wins over anything so I will ask again.

As an adult, how can you not understand when another adult, in this case your kid rejects your idea of doing something, when the same idea was the one that you as a parent originally implanted on them and spent and inordinate amount of time reinforcing?

[Sally]

On second thought, lets just forget about the question. Sorry for hikacking the thread a bit there.

All parents are different and nobody can answer why your particular parents are the way they are. But I echo someone above: as a parent, I really worried about my kids, and my worries about them were not the same as how I felt about my friends, or my friends' kids. Eventually it won't puzzle or bother you.

[El-not-so-ace]

The prefrontal cortex develops up until 25... I would never want a child to drive a car but would encourage them to do so when they're old enough to handle themselves in such a situation. If my child says: "You told me not to drive when I was younger, now I never want to drive!"

I'll feel bad for raising a traumatized child and wonder where I went wrong if 99% of the time, it doesn't happen to other people with similar upbringing. And I'd probably ask sometimes if the adult son/daughter was still not interested in driving or not. :P

[Snao Cone]

Allright my curiosity wins over anything so I will ask again.

As an adult, how can you not understand when another adult, in this case your kid rejects your idea of doing something, when the same idea was the one that you as a parent originally implanted on them and spent and inordinate amount of time reinforcing?

Human beings aren't as rational as we think we are. Parents very rarely feel the same way about their kids as they would think about the population in general. It's like emotional parallax: when you're looking at something very close up, if you close one eye it's going to appear to move in relation to the background. Parents view their children very closely. Depending on which eye they have open, they'll see their kid in a different place at any given time. One day it might look okay that their kid isn't into relationships. Another day, through the other eye, it might look incredibly worrying. No matter how much they logically understand, it's very difficult for a parent to distance themselves from their grown child's position.

[Lord Jade Cross]

I'll ask this out of curiosity. If your kid (if theyre grown up, think back to when they were younger) came to you and asked "Daddy/Mommy why are you not punishing me for behaving well"? what would your response be?

[Lord Jade Cross]

Allright my curiosity wins over anything so I will ask again.

As an adult, how can you not understand when another adult, in this case your kid rejects your idea of doing something, when the same idea was the one that you as a parent originally implanted on them and spent and inordinate amount of time reinforcing?

Human beings aren't as rational as we think we are. Parents very rarely feel the same way about their kids as they would think about the population in general. It's like emotional parallax: when you're looking at something very close up, if you close one eye it's going to appear to move in relation to the background. Parents view their children very closely. Depending on which eye they have open, they'll see their kid in a different place at any given time. One day it might look okay that their kid isn't into relationships. Another day, through the other eye, it might look incredibly worrying. No matter how much they logically understand, it's very difficult for a parent to distance themselves from their grown child's position.

Yet parents often tell their kids "Think before you act" particularly if they get in trouble. So how is it expected of children to be an afult essentially, when the adult is the one not setting the example?

[Snao Cone]

I'm not sure I understand your question. Parents will generally have a very hard time forming objective opinions about their children. Human beings don't have reactions or thoughts or feelings designed beforehand and programmed into their brains to guarantee logical outcomes all the time. Realizing your parents are flawed is part of growing up. If you want to air your grievances to them about how they didn't set the example they now expect of you, then you can do that. But that would be for your own sake - it's not going undo the past or correct how they feel right now.

(Anyway, we're veering way off topic here, so I apologize for contributing to this diverging tangent.)

[Lord Jade Cross]

I'm not sure I understand your question. Parents will generally have a very hard time forming objective opinions about their children. Human beings don't have reactions or thoughts or feelings designed beforehand and programmed into their brains to guarantee logical outcomes all the time. Realizing your parents are flawed is part of growing up. If you want to air your grievances to them about how they didn't set the example they now expect of you, then you can do that. But that would be for your own sake - it's not going undo the past or correct how they feel right now.

(Anyway, we're veering way off topic here, so I apologize for contributing to this diverging tangent.)

(Agree, apologies. I could do a separate thread but I think this will end shortly)

Of course, nothing done now is going to alter the past in any way, I merely wish to put a doubt that has long sinced bothered me to rest.

While its true that no human comes pre programmed set of actions designed to react to a particular situation, humans are very capable of learning from their surroundings and experiences and I would expect parents, whom many always claim to know their children well, to have a decent enough explanation for their actions. Dissapointingly enpugh, my parents lacked an explanation regardless of the times I asked them to explain. At best, all they cpuld muster was a "I dont know" and at worst silence. My parents weren't the only ones either, other members had the same boastful attitude and unexplainable base for it.

[Sally]

While its true that no human comes pre programmed set of actions designed to react to a particular situation, humans are very capable of learning from their surroundings and experiences and I would expect parents, whom many always claim to know their children well, to have a decent enough explanation for their actions. Dissapointingly enpugh, my parents lacked an explanation regardless of the times I asked them to explain. At best, all they cpuld muster was a "I dont know" and at worst silence. My parents weren't the only ones either, other members had the same boastful attitude and unexplainable base for it.[/color]

Parents are human beings and as such not always reasonable, rational, or knowledgeable. Nor do most humans want to present explanations for their actions, especially when put on the spot and having those explanations demanded. Having been both a child and a parent, I don't think either has the advantage in being reasonable, etc.

[Guest]

Allright my curiosity wins over anything so I will ask again.

As an adult, how can you not understand when another adult, in this case your kid rejects your idea of doing something, when the same idea was the one that you as a parent originally implanted on them and spent and inordinate amount of time reinforcing?

Human beings aren't as rational as we think we are. Parents very rarely feel the same way about their kids as they would think about the population in general. It's like emotional parallax: when you're looking at something very close up, if you close one eye it's going to appear to move in relation to the background. Parents view their children very closely. Depending on which eye they have open, they'll see their kid in a different place at any given time. One day it might look okay that their kid isn't into relationships. Another day, through the other eye, it might look incredibly worrying. No matter how much they logically understand, it's very difficult for a parent to distance themselves from their grown child's position.

Yet parents often tell their kids "Think before you act" particularly if they get in trouble. So how is it expected of children to be an afult essentially, when the adult is the one not setting the example?

What? I have no idea where you're not understanding.

What would I say if my child asked me why I didn't punish them for behaving properly? I'd say "because you get praised when you do well, not punished." But I fail to see how this has anything to do with anything.

And, again, if a kid grows up and doesn't understand that, as an adult, some of the stuff their parents told them as kids no longer applies due to their age, it's the kid, not the parents, who aren't thinking clearly. Your parents aren't irrational nor do they owe you an explanation for why they prohibited certain things when you were younger that they no longer prohibit. They've not done anything wrong... if they treated you like an adult when you were a child and encouraged you to fuck people when you were 8, they'd be locked up (rightfully). Encouraging their 30 year old child to have sex may be obnoxious, but it's not inconsistent or contradictory with prohibiting it when the 30 year old was an 8 year old.

[Lord Jade Cross]

I dont get how the point keeps getting missed so lets just say you guys are right and leave it at that.

[Sally]

I think the point is that you can't expect any specific person -- even your parent -- to give you the words that you seem to need, whatever those words are.

[Lord Jade Cross]

I dont know if I would say that words would be what I want from them, more like acceptance or at the very least some sort of consistency (if that is the word that can be used seeing as it somehow differs in the way I understand it from others)

In my mind it never made sense why go from these severely strict parents who would have beaten me in a second if I disobeyed to these obnoxious parents who question every choice I make, simply because it does not fit in with their view of how I should have turned out particularly when its one that they shaped and one that if you want to compare to the rest of the population, kept me out of trouble.

For the record, I didnt want to ever have sex so I dont know where that 8 y/o business came from. If anything something like that would have sparked somewhere along the 15+ and given the frequency of how it happens, from there on is usually where teenagers have their first encounter.