On wishing I could decide to be bi ... rant

[Ix Phoen]

I was raised with a religious "relationship bias" that excluded any form of "gay attraction" so when I finally figured out that people are people, no matter who they love, I started wondering if I might become interested in women, too. No such luck. *sighs*

After spending several years on my own (abusive relationship & divorce) with a few forays into curiously exploring whether one man or another might become more than a friend, I've realized that either my circles are very limited or I'm just not that into "normal" relationship structures anymore. Men seem to find me intimidating.

I know only one man I would trust myself with at this point, but our relationship can't last due to very different future goals. Every other man I've met, no matter how romantically attractive (I crush hard until reality hits) or admirable as a person, has turned out to be someone who would want me to align with his religious beliefs, inhibit my personality, or is heading toward unaligned goals. And that's excepting the possibility that sex might not be a regular part of our lives, for my part.

On the other hand, I have three close female friends who would make excellent life partners. Riches? ... heh. I have amazing friends, and I know it.

One of them (my best friend) even shares most of my goals or is already heading in a direction that would align with mine. I can see myself living with her for the rest of my life, only there's no romantic attraction there at all. We're planning to become roommates at some point, in fact, because we get along that well. I guess we'll just bring our romantic partners to live with us... hah!

Just ... it would be so much easier if I were bi, though, because I wouldn't still be looking for that romantic relationship & life partner even though I've got such an amazing relationship with her. I'm sick of wondering when I'll meet him.

*rant over*

So, being demi has a bit of an effect on my mood here, because how do I know I won't someday find her attractive in that way? *sighs* Emotions and attractions ... so difficult to trace down to their roots. Blah!

[Queen of Wonderland]

Sorry you're struggling with your sexuality, friend! Of course, you probably already know this, but you aren't the only ace person who feels that way. Lots of people in the community feel upset about their sexuality, but also lots of ace people live very fulfilling, happy lives.

About your female friend... If she's on the aromantic spectrum, or you're just close enough and she's interested, is a queerplatonic relationship an option? Maybe not, but its just a thought...

[Ix Phoen]

We've already agreed that we're in an "indefinable" relationship already ... pretty close to queerplatonic if I understand the definition correctly. She's more relaxed about it than I am, I think, since she's bi and slightly polyamourous in temperament.

It may be a personality flaw (I don't know) but romantic connection has always been important to me, plus I over-think everything until it LOOMS over my life and blocks out everything else. Heh.

I've found venting and hearing other's perspectives often helps me cut the mythological obstructions back down to a realistic size. Thus, the public rant.

Thank you. It does help to know this is normal, and not "the most unique problem ever in all history".

[butterflydreams]

I was raised with a religious "relationship bias" that excluded any form of "gay attraction" so when I finally figured out that people are people, no matter who they love, I started wondering if I might become interested in women, too. No such luck. *sighs*

I'm sorry to hear about how you were raised. As someone with a similar upbringing, I know how much it hurts, and how far back it can set you in terms of figuring yourself out.

I'm not someone who's personally well-versed in relationship things, but from what I understand, how you're feeling isn't super uncommon. I think a lot of people find themselves with the wrong person at the right time, or the right person at the wrong time. I don't see why that couldn't be extended to right person, wrong gender. And of course, the asexual element adds in additional difficulty.

I don't know if you feel it could apply to you or not, but I've always had "bi tendencies" and one thing that's come out of that is a "never say never" kind of attitude to these things. Sure you're not romantically interested in this particular friend of yours, but maybe with some other woman you would be. Though maybe that only makes sense in the way I see the world.

Also, I don't think that being bi necessarily makes things any easier. Sure it might make you more flexible in terms of the gender of the person, but at the end of the day, there are right people and there are wrong people. And when you're coming across a lot of wrong people, it stinks, but even if you added in the possibility of another whole gender, it doesn't mean you'll be increasing the number of right people. Those people just show up when they show up.

[Ix Phoen]

"Right person ... wrong gender." Ah, I don't know why that made me laugh, Hadley, but it did. Maybe just the simplicity of the thought, and how true it is. Relief...

You're right, though. I have no idea what the future holds. It's okay to wait and see, too. Labels like "hetero" or "bi" etc. are just a network of concepts that can help me see where I am now, but they could never define what is possible.

[Star Bit]

Well, some straight women do suffice with dating women kuz they can't find the right man, but that also faces similar problems like ace/sexual mixed relationships in that sexual and/or romantic reciprocation can be lacking and whanot. It also depends if the straight person can stand doing things they don't yearn for or if they have limitations to their romantic actions. Also, maybe you could be satisfied with a queerplatonic relationship with her.

[Sally]

Well, some straight women do suffice with dating women kuz they can't find the right man

I really seriously doubt that.

[Philip027]

I really seriously doubt that.

Which part? The agreeing to date a woman, or not being able to find the right man?

Because knowing how a lot of males are like, the latter certainly isn't unbelievable.

The former isn't unbelievable to me either, considering there's gay people out there carrying out hetero- relationships.