Physical relationship but not enjoying it as much as my partner

[Argentum Corvus]

I'm sorry if this isn't the place for my post. I don't know what to do right now and am scrambling to find somewhere to reach out... Advice, if you have any, would be appreciated.

I'm in a relationship with a gray-ace right now, and I'm also ace. Both of us are physical people and use physical touch to express our emotions with each other. My partner also happens to be sexually attracted to me. I'm not sexually attracted to them, obviously.

We cuddle, nuzzle, and pet (all non-sexual) quite often and they tell me that everything we do feels nice. However, they then ask me how I feel and I can't really say anything more than "interesting...?" I'm realizing that they are experiencing a lot more pleasure from these things than I am.

Also, I personally don't mind most of what we do, but lately it's been magnifying to a larger scale than I thought it would. They're laying all over me, pulling me over them, constantly rubbing my skin basically everywhere when we cuddle and it's just getting so very overwhelming for me. I feel like I would be enjoying it if it actually felt nice, but more than half the time it doesn't and I just don't know what to say or do...

I'm scared to say something to them because I don't want them to take it the wrong way, and right now I'm feeling broken because I really do love them but I just can't seem to enjoy the things that they do for some reason. For some reason, I notice that what they enjoy the most, they end up trying on me but those areas turn out to be the most numb or painful on my own body.

For example, they love it when I nibble on their ears, then on me it feels like nothing or just plain hurts. They like kissing and want me to bite their lip, but then when they try to do the same thing on me I almost literally feel nothing; I can barely even feel their lips with my own. Even when they brush their fingertips on my lips I can hardly feel them. It's like my lips have near to no nerves in them... Lastly, with the petting, after a short while it just feels like chafing and scratch which isn't pleasant at all...

We're also engaged and getting married next year. Walking away from this relationship is not an option for me personally, so please don't suggest that I do... I guess what I'm asking right now is advice on how to bring this up with my partner and if anyone else experiences this. I'm really feeling alone with this right now.

Attempting to google my problem was a bad idea, as it came up with nothing but "you don't have any chemistry, therefore you don't actually like them and shouldn't be with them." I came here because both my partner and I are asexual and I want to avoid those kind of responses... I've never experienced perfect physical chemistry with someone before and know I never will, so leaving my partner for that reason is not an option. They are literally the most compatible person I will ever find on this earth, which they've mutually expressed.

Sorry if reading this was a nightmare or got a bit rambly... I'm tired and packed full of anxiety right now. I've already had an emotional breakdown about this recently so I am even more scattered...

[nanogretchen4]

I think you should make a list of activities you like, activities you don't mind doing for your partner but don't want them to reciprocate, and activities you just don't want to do at all. Show the list to your partner and let them make a similar list. If either of you does not want a certain activity to happen at all, you both stop doing that. It's pretty normal for people to try doing unto others what they want done unto them, so you will need to get specific about what you actually want or your partner probably won't know.

[Argentum Corvus]

Thank you. I think that's a great idea and will talk to them about doing something like this.

I have tried talking to them before about a few small things that I don't want, but they kind of forget after a while. Having a physical list that they can review would be nice. Even though it might be a bit annoying if the list ends up being long (crossing my fingers that it wont need to be)... I hope they'll understand and be willing to cooperate regardless.

[Homer]

please delete

[Homer]

I have tried talking to them before about a few small things that I don't want, but they kind of forget after a while.

Maybe you could establish a "stop sign"? Something that isn't blatantly saying "not there / not that / not now / not whatever" but something like a move, a (gentle) push, pull or touch somewhere? Like a silent "safe word"?

[Sally]

Marriage is a really serious thing to contemplate when there is a definite difference between what you want physically and what your partner wants. It will not get any easier once you're married. Please consider being absolutely honest about how you feel to your partner. You deserve to have him hear how you feel, and he deserves to know how you feel. You need to negotiate with honesty a compromise.

[Ix Phoen]

I think once you become more comfortable communicating about this topic, it won't be as big of a deal as it feels right now. Part of your concern is likely because it's new, but you can talk about touching the same way you talk about who is doing which chores this week, which movies and books you like or don't like (and why), etc.

Any respectful individual will definitely want their partner to have just as much fun and be just as relaxed and happy as they are. So finding out much later that you've been miserable and enduring will be more of an emotional shock (to anyone who isn't abusive) than being told, "You know, this [activity] isn't fun/hurts/annoys me right now. Can you [preferred interaction] instead?" Expect to communicate more often for a while, since you might have to remind each other of what you enjoy or not until it becomes a habit to handle each other that way.

This happens with every new activity. People coach each other naturally.

It's a weird cultural subtext that "you just know" when it comes to the physical part of relationships. No. People don't "just know." It's perfectly fine to have conversations, explore, learn, discover, and even *gasp!* change your mind about this, too.

As Nano said, lists are a useful tool. They help you figure out what you think, and help you both remember what you talked about. And, as Homer suggested, I agree that if you can come up with a gentle stop sign, preferably something simple (even better if you both find it mildly amusing, because that will lighten the mood), then that will be a big help to you also.

[Philip027]

This wouldn't necessarily be a bad sign for your relationship. However, the fact you feel like you can't discuss it with your partner, kinda is. (I am admittedly curious as to why you describe yourself as a "physical" person, considering you don't quite seem to be inclined to even non-sexual physicality)

Opening up doesn't have to be a bad thing. I guarantee you they'll be hurt worse to find out later that they were making you uncomfortable when they thought the opposite was going on.

For some reason, I notice that what they enjoy the most, they end up trying on me

This is very very common when someone doesn't actually know the right "buttons" to hit (for either themselves or their partner). It's a natural thing that, if there's something that you enjoy, to see if others enjoy it too. Naturally, not everyone will (otherwise we would all have the exact same interests).

[Argentum Corvus]

Thank you for all of your responses. I was able to calmly talk to my partner about all of my concerns and they took it very well.

They mentioned to me that they've most likely been giving me more physical affection because we haven't had much alone time in a long while and I haven't giving them as much as they need. I do have slight problem with giving affection out of fear of being harshly rejected like I was in my last relationship. I've talked with them about it and they understand. I'll try my best and they'll be as patient with me as they can.

We worked out that if I get overwhelmed, I can simply move their hands to another place that is accepting physical touch a little better, or take their hands and take over so I'll be the only one giving affection. Their kindness will show me that they privide emotional safety. They promise that they'll never reject me. They've already shown me a lot of that kindness and I just need to keep in mind that there is no reason for them to stop being kind. After all, they call me their equal, and that is the first time someone I've cared about so much has expressed that to me. I mean, they care about me enough to want me by their side for the rest of their life and share our joy and struggles.

I've also told them that my body's sensitivity tends to change everyday, so we decided that the above is the best solution. However, I have noticed some areas don't change, although very few, and gave them that information. Which areas will always be okay, which ones aren't, and which ones don't give me anything.

This experience has really encouraged me to be open and talk to my partner about anything when I need to. They've expressed that they love the fact that I was able to talk to them and want me to continue doing that. I'm so glad our relationship is like this... It's everything I need. I am so grateful to have them as my partner and also be theirs.

(I am admittedly curious as to why you describe yourself as a "physical" person, considering you don't quite seem to be inclined to even non-sexual physicality)

I normally love to be touched and love touching people. It's how I express affection and know that someone cares about me, although, I have never experienced physical affection to this extent before. This new experience has left me flustered and confused about myself. I honestly want physical affection, but finding this out is frustrating.

In past relationships I've learned that I need to be physical with someone or I feel like their words are empty. If I can't receive or give physical affection, I then revert to quality time. I experienced terrible deprivation of my love languages, which was actually how I learned what my love languages were. I found out that those were what I needed to feel loved.