AW10 Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 I have some doubts about my asexuality, so I would like to confirm that I have understood sexual attraction part of: "An asexual person is a person who does not experience sexual attraction." The way I see sexual attraction is "mentally processing sexual reaction to surroundings", while on the other hand, sexual arousal is "physically processing sexual reaction to surroundings". Well, since person cannot "mentally process sexual reaction to surroundings", the person cannot sexually act on that sexual reaction, but can, for example, emotionally act on that sexual reaction. Have I understood it right? EDIT: These are all conclusions that have made me conclude to be asexual, so I would have to confirm all of them to clear my doubts. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 Could you give us example scenarios of what you mean by sexually act and emotionally act please? :) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AW10 Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 Could you give us example scenarios of what you mean by sexually act and emotionally act please? :) Well, emotionally act would be desiring to get to know that person, while sexually act would be desiring to have sexual experience with that person. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 OK, so you mean can asexuals desire to get to know and be close to a person, or romantically involved with a person? If so, then yes. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AW10 Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 ~double post~ Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AW10 Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 OK, so you mean can asexuals desire to get to know and be close to a person, or romantically involved with a person? If so, then yes. Sorry for not being clear enough and thanks for confirming one part. Well, I have presented all conclusions that caused me to conclude myself to be asexual, so I would have to also confirm my understanding of sexual attraction and sexual arousal to be sure. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Queen of Wonderland Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 Yes, this seems to be a pretty good summary of asexuality. You seem to understand it pretty well, I don't see anything I'd correct. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 What makes an asexual is desiring sex period, not sexual attraction; which many people on here are pushing to be changed. You also word sexual attraction oddly. It could be worded more clearly. Piece by piece the phrase would translate to "a quality about someone that evokes interest in sex with them" or more accurately "a willing or unwilling mental impulse to do sexual things to a specific person". Also, your definition either includes that an asexual can't sexually respond to erotica (or even sex) or can respond sexually to things that aren't in their environment physically but on a screen (i.e. sexual attraction to images of people). Which are both wrong. So really it's just best to fully explain the term and not word it fancily with loopholes. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AW10 Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 So really it's just best to fully explain the term and not word it fancily with loopholes.I see, I just find it practical to create such definitions where everything is reduced to abstract level, so you can clearly answer whether you, in this case, experience or not experience sexual attraction. However, as you have said, it may be misleading and even incorrect. For now, I will try to meditate on sexual reactions I get. I think that is the only way to be sure. What makes an asexual is desiring sex period, not sexual attraction; which many people on here are pushing to be changed.According to you, I can feel sexual attraction and still do not desire sex? And if I do not desire sex, I am asexual? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Callacan Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 According to you, I can feel sexual attraction and still do not desire sex? And if I do not desire sex, I am asexual? To me, this is part of the problem of defining asexuality as it means different things to different people. For me, I do get occasional sexual attraction but I don't have the desire to follow through on it. In fact, it wouldn't really bother me if I didn't have sex again so, does that make me asexual or something else? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AW10 Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 To me, this is part of the problem of defining asexuality as it means different things to different people. For me, I do get occasional sexual attraction but I don't have the desire to follow through on it. In fact, it wouldn't really bother me if I didn't have sex again so, does that make me asexual or something else? Yes, exactly. I am usually prone to defining myself by types or terms because I can get to know myself better. But this, this is different, the term simply does not feel right because it is subjective, not objective. No one can possibly know do you feel or not feel sexual attraction, and if you really do not feel it, how can you be sure that you do not feel it? For me, it is like removing a on switch from a fully functional computer. Well, asexual can be exactly the same as sexual if the have the on switch. I think that both asexual and sexual are exactly the same when it comes to sexuality, asexual people simply do not feel like acting on sexual emotions, feelings, thoughts. I found all kinds of sexual emotions, feelings, thoughts annoying because although I do not feel like acting on them, they are still present. What's the point of having them if you cannot do anything about it? [Too Much information warning!] Well, you can leave them be until you must to something to relive the pressure, like masturbating for example. That is why I hate masturbating because it just reminds how I still cannot get rid of sexual emotions, feelings, thoughts I cannot act on. However, I have no choice, I just cannot stand the pressure for longer than two weeks and I am therefore forced to masturbate. And I have even lost interest in even bothering with it, I just masturbate so I can get it over with, it is just like eating for me now. I literally masturbate so I can survive. Conclusion: In other words, I do not think that defining myself as asexual will do any good to me as I thought it will. I will just limit myself even more and probably have to forever be in vicious circle of building up pressure due to having purposeless sexual emotions, feelings, thoughts and then reliving pressure so you do not get heart attack or something. So, I do not I think I should even bother with whether I am asexual or something else. In other words, I should just desire what I desire and do not desire what I do not desire, without bothering about am I normal or not normal, am I sexual or not sexual. I came here in order to learn about my "asexuality" and ended up not even caring do I have it. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Callacan Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 You sound like me. I LIKE the idea of sex, I like the whole intimacy of it all. I enjoy physical contact with someone I'm close to, I can even understand the appeal of porn but when it comes to actually dating and starting up a relationship I find that I cannot be bothered, that I'm both not interested in them and all the expectations that come with a relationship. Maybe I'm not asexual, maybe I'm just selfish......... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
binary suns Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 I personally find the easiest way to describe it is that sexual attraction is an emotional experience that leads to desire for sexual closeness with another person. Essentially, understanding who is interesting and who isn't is a very straightforward look at what is attraction, and so if this interest involves a sexual element then it is sexual. note that sexual attraction also includes feelings of desire for sex even if it doesn't seem to "pick out" a specific person, and feeling sexual attraction but wishing not to act on it is a grey experience, although many grey people just call themselves ace if they want no sexual interactions just for the sake of simplicity. arousal can be just a response to physical interactions, but most sexual persons that I've talked to interpret arousal for them as a sign of their sexual attraction. some asexual's bodies do respond with arousal when engaged in sexual activities, but for the asexual person the sexual experience just isn't engaging despite their body functioning for sex. because arousal occurs for some asexuals, it is possible for an asexual person to enjoy sex, however when talking about the "validity" of asexuality when sex is enjoyed and how humans react to that quickly becomes a controversial topic. The bottom line is if you feel a need for a sexual lifestyle, you're sexual, and if you feel a need for a lifestyle without sex, you're ace. and if you're somewhere in the middle, or are unsure in some way, then you're in controversial territory, and should be prepared for hate from multiple flanks... despite the fact that just calling yourself grey should make people accept who you are.. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AW10 Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 Considering latest two replys, I would be sexual person that is interested in sexual lifestyle, but unable to achieve "sexual experience with other" due to something unknown that prevents him from achieving it. So, I am sexual person that behaves as asexual person due to being inhibited by something unknown. However, I do not think that is selfish because I am trying to find that something that inhibits my sexuality. This means my journey continues, but not in this forum, my journey continues someplace else. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
binary suns Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 if you want to ask questions or read/share thoughts in threads that interest you, you might still be able to figure out what it is within you that's going on. there's a pretty diverse range of experiences here, and a lot of people being introspective regarding sexuality, so even if you don't feel you are asexual then this is still a good place to spend time as you try to think about your own personal introspection. there are a lot of grey people here, and some sexual people as well. and there are a few people here with a lot of life experience that might have met someone like you, or something, or have some advice to give. personally I felt at first that it was ridiculous to think I was asexual, then slowly started to realize how much it fit. I mean I am grey and I'm sticking to that. but it was about a year of me saying, "of course I'm going to have sex in my relationships!" before I kind of... got used to the idea that I don't have to do so. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AW10 Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 Okay, I will still be on this forum from time to time. However, if I for three years could not find what inhibits me, maybe there is nothing that inhibits me. I mean, I may not be asexual, but I may be demisexual who cannot ever achieve enough emotional connection to desire someone sexually due to not being very social. If that is the case, the only solution I see would be to gain more interest in socializing. EDIT: I am actually pretty sure that I am demisexual and heteroromantic. During past few years, I have investigated every part of myself and removed so many inhibitions that I have stopped counting, but could not found and thus remove that one inhibition I desired to remove the most. Well, I could not find it because it does not exist, I just do not like socializing and thus are unable to achieve enough emotional connection to have sexual attraction. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 What makes an asexual is desiring sex period, not sexual attraction; which many people on here are pushing to be changed.According to you, I can feel sexual attraction and still do not desire sex? And if I do not desire sex, I am asexual? It's not according to just me; as said many people are pushing for the desire based definition-- mainly because there are sexual people who desire sex but are using the loophole in the current definition to say they're asexual. And many people misinterpret what sexual attraction (SA) even means; the most common misconception i hear is it being confused for aesthetic attraction, which is most likely due to them observing sexual people and misinterpreting what's going on in their heads. According to you, I can feel sexual attraction and still do not desire sex? And if I do not desire sex, I am asexual? To me, this is part of the problem of defining asexuality as it means different things to different people. For me, I do get occasional sexual attraction but I don't have the desire to follow through on it. In fact, it wouldn't really bother me if I didn't have sex again so, does that make me asexual or something else? If anyone can define asexuality, or any word for that matter, any way they want then the term is pointless. Secondly, depending on how sexual attraction is worded it can be more obviously a desire, but one that you may or may not identify with. So both words refer to desiring sex, but SA refers to with a specific person. And i know there are some people who identify as asexual and experience SA but don't desire to act on it, and personally I'm fine with them identifying as ace, but others aren't and it is technically Gray-A. And i do understand why they have this perspective too; if someone notices you have sexual or romantic attraction and you identify as ace or aro then it really invalidates the orientation to them, and we have enough scrutiny as it is. So while i feel they should be able to identify as ace or aro publicly, they are still technically Gray, and if that incident happens then things will go "well, I'm actually Gray--" and then TMI ensues, but this isn't stated as their orientation normally kuz it is TMI, and perhaps others will think all aces or aros are Gray and that it's not a real thing, so perhaps it would be beneficial to identify as their true orientation and just not say why they're gray until an incident like that happens. So some people are also pushing for the "and" definition; that aces experience neither SA nor desire sex for sexual or emotional pleasure. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AW10 Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 It's not according to just me; as said many people are pushing for the desire based definition-- mainly because there are sexual people who desire sex but are using the loophole in the current definition to say they're asexual. And many people misinterpret what sexual attraction (SA) even means; the most common misconception i hear is it being confused for aesthetic attraction, which is most likely due to them observing sexual people and misinterpreting what's going on in their heads. Now I see what I was feeling, it is aesthetic attraction, not sexual attraction. However, I just do not understand why I cannot stop defining myself even after I completely rejected being asexual. Can I be demisexual and still be generally interested in sexual lifestyle, although not feeling sexual attraction unless achieving enough emotional intimacy? Or I am just sexual person that needs a huge amount of emotional intimacy? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 Can you be demisexual and desire sex in general but only have sexual attraction/desire to act once an emotional bond is made? Yah. Gray-(hetero)sexual is also a label option. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 According to you, I can feel sexual attraction and still do not desire sex? And if I do not desire sex, I am asexual? To me, this is part of the problem of defining asexuality as it means different things to different people. For me, I do get occasional sexual attraction but I don't have the desire to follow through on it. In fact, it wouldn't really bother me if I didn't have sex again so, does that make me asexual or something else? Kinda depends on what you decide fits you best, honestly. Personally, I have no real idea what sexual attraction means. I've asked many different people and gotten many different answers. Sexuals describe a lot of attraction the same as asexuals do. But, in the end, the difference between me and them is that all those fuzzy "I like you" feelings translate to "I want to express how much by having sex with you" at some point. Another difference between me and all of them is when they don't have sex, it is a lack in their life, while it is not in mine - it's a plus to not have it for me. I never think "It's been months since I had sex with my spouse, I wish we could". It's more "YES! 5 months without sex, score!" Sexuality in humans can be very complex. And a lot of it comes down to how the person feels. So, finding what we are is a journey we all must go through. Getting advice and opinions is great and helpful, but in the end, you figure out what fits you. There is also no shame in being "questioning" until you find one you feel comfortable with. If anyone is interested in the debates about desire vs attraction and "what sexual attraction is", there are threads to look at here (click) and here (click). Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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