smickers Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 I wasn't too sure of where to post this exactly, but this seemed like the most appropriate place. I'm an asexual and possibly aromantic (still figuring it out but I think I'm 80% sure) 19 year old girl and I am having quite a few issues with what I call 'accidental flirting'. I don't want to flirt and I don't even know how to do it, but I think I might be leading people on without meaning to, they might be getting the wrong ideas, and I don't want to hurt anyone for not knowing how to deal with this. Am I being a bad person? I really don't know what to do... I don't want to bring up my aro-asexuality because a) I live in a very conservative place where no one knows about this and b) It would be so embarrassing if I talked about it and they interpreted it as me assuming they like me when it's not the case. Doesn't help that I am terrified of hurting them or that I tend to cut people off as soon as I get scared that something might be going on. I know this is silly... but I feel like a terrible person just for being the way I am and for not knowing what to do. Should I just hint at my asexuality? Should I stop hanging out with them? Should I be colder and more distant so they don't interpret it as flirting? Does this happen to anyone else? I'm just really confused, anxious, and stressed out about this. Even if you don't have any answers for me it would help a lot to know if someone else has a similar issue... Thank you for reading <3 **EDIT**: Removed details because I'm very paranoid someone I know might find this and find out about the whole thing ._. I have the same username for a few other sites, so... yeah Also it was a bit too long :P Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 I'm like in the reverse boat from yours. ^^' I find it annoying how always it is assumed, just because you take a special interest in / are in love with a girl and try to become good friends with them, that must necessarily mean you want a relationship with them or have sex. I personally would prefer to just be friends, and then if something more develops, well that's great. But if that doesn't happen, in no way would I feel "led on". I've run into trouble with this, like the boyfriend of a girl I was friends with basically forbidding her to be in contact with me. Or a girl avoiding contact with me, because she "didn't want to harm my relationship". It just.. sucks. I wish it would be possible to be emotionally close friends with the other gender, and have all these one-on-one interactions, without anything more being insinuated. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
One Winged Angel Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 I was not very social during my college years, and the one time I became friends with a girl, she immediately assumed I wanted a relationship with her. When I did not respond to her advances, she turned from friendly into hurling insults my way for no apparent reason. I concluded that she never wanted to be friendly in the first place, but only to have a relationship, which frankly is ridiculous. If you genuinely like these people, treat them as friends and never hint any anything more. If they also care about you as a friend, they will be friendly with you even when they realise a relationship is not on the cards. If they are hoping for something that is not going to happen, they may distance themselves when they conclude that you are not wishing to have a relationship with them. Then again, some of what you have written suggests you do not entirely trust these friends. "Shifty intentions"? "A bid odd"? and so on are not suggestive of a atmosphere of trust. There may come a time when you have to distance yourself from certain people in your life, if situations change. I know that I myself could never speak to people from school who once were friends. We are too different now. There may also come a time when you have to hint or mention that you are Asexual. But if this is too difficult in the area/situation you are in, it is also possible to be mildly avoidant, for example being 'busy' or simply not responding to any advances of a relationship. It can be very difficult when simply wishing to be friends with people is taken as wanting a relationship with them. That said, if they take things the wrong way, you are not to blame for merely being friendly, and in the end you can always say "no." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
henshin Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 Well first of all I wanted to say that you should never feel bad for being a friendly person, and no-one is entitled to your affection. If people criticise you for leading them on then they're more than likely the asshole unless you've literally been kissing them and promising them a relationship. Secondly, though, it does sound like especially with the third guy that if I were in his position I would think you and I were 'courting', shall we say. Its not always easy to recognise when your behaviour is being interpreted differently by others, but your activities with this guys out very typical in what we are culturally told dating looks like, so yes I would stop doing one on one studying and movie trips with him. Start inviting other people along or just don't be so acquiescent all the time. Regardless of intention, and even if this guys isn't an arse about it, it can still hurt to develop romantic feelings for them so if you like the guys it's probably best to make it clear. Or you could drop into conversation that you a) like someone else, b) are gay, c) don't believe in dating.....d) or something else? I don't usually recommend lying but if a guy gets aggressive with you for thinking you've led them on then you might need a quick 'go to' explanation. Unfortunately people have generally be socialised into the idea that 'I'm just not interested in you' is not a valid reason. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
deltaX Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 I agree that I don't think it's ever a bad thing to be friendly with people regardless of gender. Unless you are intentionally flirting to mess with them, you shouldn't feel bad if your friendliness is interpreted the wrong way. At the same time though, I do know what you mean. I went through a similar situtation- I didn't have any straight guy friends in high school, but then suddenly in college I had the chance to become close friends with a lot of guys. Some of them became interested in me, but most didn't. There are guys out there who just want friends, after all! My biggest advice would be to just treat them like you would any other friend (if you treat them special because they're guys it can be seen as flirty), and try to causally drop in conversation that you're too busy with your studies or whatever to have a romantic relationship so that they know you aren't intentionally trying to flirt with them. Good luck, and I hope you get some awesome friendships out of this! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
smickers Posted July 16, 2016 Author Share Posted July 16, 2016 Hi! Thank you all for your replies, it was super helpful to hear different opinions on this matter! It's great to know I'm not being a bad person just for being friendly and hanging out with them even if their interest won't be reciprocated, it's really comforting to hear. I will definitely find a way to hint at my asexuality one way or another or maybe just tell them directly if I ever feel confident enough to do so. Overall, I'm just happy to hear that there's nothing wrong with saying 'no' to a relationship or just plain being friendly with people you don't like back... it's silly, but I tend to forget about these things sometimes. One Winged Angel, you're right. I do have a bit of an issue with trusting new friends. I had an experience a few years ago that started out similarly to this one with a guy who matched Guy #2's profile pretty closely. It was messy and it ended kinda badly, so that might be why I'm so wary about this whole thing. Thank you for your advice on the matter, and I will most definitely not make the mistakes of the girl you mentioned. It wasn't something I had considered but I will be careful with how I behave with them if this ever makes me tense and such. Tarfeather, it would be awesome if everyone had that mentality and I am so sorry that things didn't work out between you and your friend... I really hope you get to make loads of friends without having to put up with all these weird mentalities, they are very bothersome. All in all, thank you guys so much for the help and advice!!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Parmenides Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 Welcome! :cake:I know these problems, people of the opposite sex will misunderstand this, people of the same sex will think that you are gay...Therefore the best friendships that I've made were with relatives, elders or kids ( ). Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Reese-A Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 I'm an asexual and possibly aromantic (still figuring it out but I think I'm 80% sure) 19 year old girl and I am having quite a few issues with what I call 'accidental flirting'. I don't want to flirt and I don't even know how to do it, but I think I might be leading people on without meaning to, they might be getting the wrong ideas, and I don't want to hurt anyone for not knowing how to deal with this. If you add "I have no idea when people are flirting with me" to the above quote, you just described me. 😂 I seriously do have an issue with that though, I'll tell my mom about something someone said to me and she laughed so hard I thought she was going to fall over. Apparently I was in gym class for a month with someone and they were flirting with me the whole time. Oops? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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