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Relationship problem


odradek

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For me, the point isn't the other people. Whether people do or don't know what the ring is seems highly irrelevant to the situation.

If this were the case, then there shouldn't be any problem whatsoever.

How is acknowledging sexual intercourse obscene or TMI? Isn't telling people you don't have sex just as TMI-y as telling them you do?

No, it's not. :rolleyes:

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Telecaster68

Isn't telling people you don't have sex just as TMI-y as telling them you do?

Not for the receiver of the info, maybe. It would be more information being 'out there' than most sexuals would be comfortable with, I think.

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1. It would make me, the sexual, feel awkward if my partner wore a ring/tshirt/sign or if she presented herself as: my name is... And i am not interested in sex! It also displays part of my personal sex life, since she is part of my sex life!

2. I do not understand the word:'proud'!? It is just a thing you are! You have to do something, in order to be proud. Im not proud to be tall, but im happy about it! ...im proud to be strong, because i built up my strength through hard work in the gym! Im proud, that my kids are clever and good people, even though i cant take all the blame for it!

How do you handle your sexuality, that it makes you proud?

Quoting my own post!? Kind of odd!

Add 1: It would be just fine, if she told close friends, family and other people, who are in the inner circle or who needs to know! Im just saying, that her being open, is also her being open about us, not just about her! If she wants to be open and not private about my private sex life, then I think this requires an agreement between us!

Add 2: yes, it is wrong to be shameful about being asexual and it is wrong to shame people for sexuality, race, stupidity, politic stance, earsize, musictaste...

But the word 'proud' is wrong! I understand the need to react against societys undoings/bullying against minorities!

You could say: "i am asexual and that is totally ok and i like to be me!"

I can say:" you are asexual and that is totally ok and you have a good reason to like to be you, but i am different than you, regarding sexuality, and that is also ok!"

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banana monkey

1. It would make me, the sexual, feel awkward if my partner wore a ring/tshirt/sign or if she presented herself as: my name is... And i am not interested in sex! It also displays part of my personal sex life, since she is part of my sex life!

2. I do not understand the word:'proud'!? It is just a thing you are! You have to do something, in order to be proud. Im not proud to be tall, but im happy about it! ...im proud to be strong, because i built up my strength through hard work in the gym! Im proud, that my kids are clever and good people, even though i cant take all the blame for it!

How do you handle your sexuality, that it makes you proud?

Quoting my own post!? Kind of odd!

Add 1: It would be just fine, if she told close friends, family and other people, who are in the inner circle or who needs to know! Im just saying, that her being open, is also her being open about us, not just about her! If she wants to be open and not private about my private sex life, then I think this requires an agreement between us!

Agreed. That you should agree who you tell about your sex life. If you take the view that wearing a ring is doing that, (which I don't, because being asexual does not necessarily mean you dont have a sex life and strangers are unlikely to understand the symbol anyway) then you should agree wear it is ok to wear it, which I believe the OP was trying to do, only she didnt realise her partner felt that way.

You could say: "i am asexual and that is totally ok and i like to be me!"

I can say:" you are asexual and that is totally ok and you have a good reason to like to be you, but i am different than you, regarding sexuality, and that is also ok!"

That is exactly what I mean as proud, I am proud of myself and to be me! and I would still use the word to describe the feeling. Agreed: you can and should say that. You should be proud to be sexual too. I think you are trying to make a point I'm not getting. Why cant we both be proud?

post edited in response to nano gretchen's post below. - very fair point. and after re-reading the thread.

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nanogretchen4

I really don't understand the argument that publicly wearing an asexual symbol is no big deal because no one will know what it means. Surely the whole point of wearing such a symbol is to be publicly asexual and increase awareness of asexuality. How can someone simultaneously do that and rely on continued public unawareness?

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El-not-so-ace

Doesn't the black ring get mistaken for a swinger symbol? If anything, some people might get the opposite impression of the person's sex life unless they have a huge asexual sign with them.

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I really don't understand the argument that publicly wearing an asexual symbol is no big deal because no one will know what it means. Surely the whole point of wearing such a symbol is to be publicly asexual and increase awareness of asexuality. How can someone simultaneously do that and rely on continued public unawareness?

Ehh, not really, not unless someone asks about it (which the vast majority aren't going to).

In all honesty, it's more a sly "sign" that other aces can see and be able to think "hey, maybe that's a fellow ace"

If your goal is publicity and increased asexuality awareness there are far, far better ways of going about it.

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I really don't understand the argument that publicly wearing an asexual symbol is no big deal because no one will know what it means. Surely the whole point of wearing such a symbol is to be publicly asexual and increase awareness of asexuality. How can someone simultaneously do that and rely on continued public unawareness?

No, the way I see it the ring works like a tattoo that you choose to get done because it has a special meaning to you. People will see it but unless they ask they won't really know what it means to you. I feel like it's more of a symbol of self-empowerment and complicity with other aces rather than a sign reading "I'M ASEXUAL".

Regarding the comment that said something like "TMI for asexuals are things that make them go 'ewwww'"... I think that's a bit unfair. Personally, as an asexual, sex doesn't make me go "ewwww", it just doesn't interest me.

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Telecaster68

That comment was from me. It was more an observation that in this thread, sexuals and asexuals were at cross purposes about what was meant by TMI.

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I really don't understand the argument that publicly wearing an asexual symbol is no big deal because no one will know what it means. Surely the whole point of wearing such a symbol is to be publicly asexual and increase awareness of asexuality. How can someone simultaneously do that and rely on continued public unawareness?

Ehh, not really, not unless someone asks about it (which the vast majority aren't going to).

In all honesty, it's more a sly "sign" that other aces can see and be able to think "hey, maybe that's a fellow ace"

What happens when it becomes more widely known what that ring means? What happens when somebody's been secretly displaying their asexuality, but other people find out and start to piece together what that means for the sexual partner of an asexual person?

It's fine and noble and a wonderful after school special to say "Why should I care what anyone else thinks about my (lack of) sex life? It's nobody's business but mine!" That doesn't perfectly transfer to the real world. The whole lesson of not caring about judgments cast upon you by others doesn't address that it will affect your social standings and your career for both you and your partner. It's terrible that it does that, as nobody should be turned down for a promotion because they don't appear to lead the ideal family life, but it still does. Yes, we should fight against that, not just because we're asexual and/or partners of, but because it's not right. However, why should someone be expected to sacrifice so many opportunities because of this? It's great of them if they do, but that doesn't make it awful of them if they don't.

As an asexual person you do have your own choice on how publicly out you are, but by doing so you do face the consequences in your relationship. Sometimes those consequences are negligible, if your partner's supportive. Sometimes it may be a deal breaker. It's up to you to decide if it goes against your principles to keep it on the down-low out of consideration of your partner. It's up to your partner to decide if it's too much for implied hints of their private lives to be public. Both sides have merits. Both individuals are entitled to their own choices.

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What happens when it becomes more widely known what that ring means?

By then the guy is gonna be old, decrepit, not give a shit, dead, or some combination of any of these.

What happens when somebody's been secretly displaying their asexuality, but other people find out and start to piece together what that means for the sexual partner of an asexual person?

Again, you think people care way too much more than they actually do.

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Telecaster68

So essentially as long as the attempt at visibility is futile, you think it's okay.

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Here is the thing, ultimately:

- Nothing the asexual partner is doing to proclaim they're ace, whether in a sly way or very outspoken way, has anything to do with the sexual partner, at ALL

- The sexual partner getting all uppity about a simple ring and trying to make it their business makes them look about as controlling and childish as trying to dictate what the other person can wear in public, who they are allowed to see, what times they are allowed to go out of the house, etc... you get the picture.

In short, such behavior doesn't paint a very healthy picture for you guys. You think it's somehow your business, but in reality it just makes you look like a control freak.

Again, it would help to lighten up and realize people simply don't care as much as you think they do.

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Telecaster68

"Nothing the asexual partner is doing to proclaim they're ace, whether in a sly way or very outspoken way, has anything to do with the sexual partner, at ALL"

It's revealing something very intimat and private about the sexual partner. How is that not to do with them?

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banana monkey

As an asexual person you do have your own choice on how publicly out you are, but by doing so you do face the consequences in your relationship. Sometimes those consequences are negligible, if your partner's supportive. Sometimes it may be a deal breaker. It's up to you to decide if it goes against your principles to keep it on the down-low out of consideration of your partner. It's up to your partner to decide if it's too much for implied hints of their private lives to be public. Both sides have merits. Both individuals are entitled to their own choices.

I think that's the point I was trying to make at somepoint, but with more of a sided arguement didnt know quite how to put it. you do it quite well. Thankyou.

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It's revealing something very intimat and private about the sexual partner.

No, it's revealing something about them, not you.

News flash: it isn't all about you all the time.

Also, again, not everyone cares as much as you think they do. I'm sure I'm sounding like a broken record on this point by now, but this really deserves repeating until it gets drilled in.

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Telecaster68
No, it's revealing something about them, not you.

It's revealing something about the sexual - that their partner has no desire for them, and probably they're in a sexless relationship.

News flash: it isn't all about you all the time.

It's about both partners in this case, one of whom has had no say in very intimate information being revealed about them.

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Seriously, Philip? It's about the relationship which is both people. If an asexual person wants to be out and proud, whether through a ring or other symbols, it sends a message about how they relate to their partner, i.e. not sexually. That's a valid concern for a sexual partner to raise.

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I think many of you are ignoring the fact that many sexuals talk about their sex life to their friends and co-workers, and they certainly don't stop to get permission from their partners. So what's so horrible about a black ring?

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Telecaster68

That's not really relevant is it?

How about if the sexual partner wore a t shirt saying 'proud to be with an asexual', without asking their asexual partner if they minded?

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nanogretchen4

For that matter, if one asexual's partner blabs about their sex life to coworkers, is a different asexual therefore justified in outing a different partner without consent? Come on.

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Seriously, Philip? It's about the relationship which is both people. If an asexual person wants to be out and proud, whether through a ring or other symbols, it sends a message about how they relate to their partner, i.e. not sexually. That's a valid concern for a sexual partner to raise.

No, that's not what the ring indicates. If people (who actually know what the black ring means) want to infer that being asexual must mean they aren't having sex, have no sexual partner, or any other sort of thing that asexuality does NOT necessarily indicate, that's kinda their own problem, is it not?

Additionally, the sexual partner needs to grow a backbone and stop caring so much about what most people probably aren't even thinking anyway. (Here goes the broken record again...)

How about if the sexual partner wore a t shirt saying 'proud to be with an asexual', without asking their asexual partner if they minded?

Not even close to being an accurate analogy. :rolleyes:

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Telecaster68

Not even close to being an accurate analogy. :rolleyes:

Explain why not.

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Because that is spelling out something about the partner instead of themselves, something the ring does not do. It also does it in a blatant and obnoxious way, something that... again, the ring does not do.

I don't know why instead of taking your partner's open aceness (to whatever degree it is) as an insult to your Integrity or your Manhood or whatever (even though it is an aspect of themself that has absolutely nothing to do with you), you can't instead see it as something like... "oh, this person is openly ace, yet they're still choosing to stay with someone like me... I must be pretty neato!"

As much as the sexual partners may think otherwise, this isn't at all about you. When it comes down to it, assuming you go as far to enforce something like this you'd pretty much be dictating a fashion choice for your partner, which is an element that is often conflated with abuse. That is decidedly not neato.

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Telecaster68
Because that is spelling out something about the partner instead of themselves, something the ring does not do.

No, I particularly worded it so it's primarily about the wearer being proud of being in that kind of relationship. The fact that it implies something about their partner is secondary, just like with the ring.

I don't know why instead of taking your partner's open aceness (to whatever degree it is) as an insult to your Integrity or your Manhood or whatever

1. It doesn't matter whether you (or any ace partner) understands why. It's enough that their partner doesn't want that kind of information to be public knowledge - that should be respected. The flipside would be going to their parents and outing them and saying 'what's the problem'?

2. It's about my partner and me. We should respect what each do and don't want made public, and by wearing that t-shirt, they're not respecting my wishes. They're making all about them.

a fashion choice

Come off it.

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1. It doesn't matter whether you (or any ace partner) understands why. It's enough that their partner doesn't want that kind of information to be public knowledge - that should be respected.

Unfortunately for you, again, it's not about the sexual person.

2. It's about my partner and me. We should respect what each do and don't want made public, and by wearing that t-shirt, they're not respecting my wishes.

I'm not pursuing the t-shirt analogy because it's still hogwash. I'm talking about the ring situation.

And again, this is not a matter about your "wishes" being respected, it's a matter of this guy being a control freak because he feels slighted about something that has absolutely zero to do with him.

Come off it.

Come off what? That's literally what you're saying, that you should get control over your partner's attire. If that sounds utterly ridiculous to you, that's because it IS.

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Telecaster68

I don't think I can explain it to you any more simply. I give up.

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