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How did you come to terms with your (a)sexuality?


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Hi there, I'm pretty new here on the forums. I've had my doubts for a long time, but it finally became clear(er) when I read the definition of demisexual. I had heard plenty about LGBTQ+ issues and definitions before, but demisexual was not one of them- we barely mentioned asexuality in official talks and never in unofficial ones. So although I don't have a whole lot of experience dating (read: none), I am coming to terms with the fact that I do not feel the same way about sex as most of society.

I feel some apprehension about sex, but I think that's mostly because I've never had it. The thing is, I don't particularly want to- if it comes up in a trusting relationship, that sounds like it'd be fine, but I don't really understand the concept outside of that. Like, just looking at someone on the street or at a party or in porn (seriously what) or in a picture and thinking "I would f*** that person." That's like something from an alien planet to me.

Don't get me wrong, I feel bubbly about romance and can imagine being intimate with hugging, kissing, snuggling, etc. I'm also capable of feeling aroused, but it feels foreign and usually unconnected to a sexual image. So, heteromantic demisexual (or possibly gray-asexual, like I said I'm still figuring things out).

Ramblings aside, I just wanted to know if anyone had a story of their struggle or some encouragement or what-have-you to share to help me remember that I'm not alone. As a bonus, for those of you who are more adjusted, any advice on how to 'present' yourself? Obviously there's not an overarching rule for this, but I'm trying to think of how to breach the subject to friends and family to let them know what I'm dealing with. I'm bracing for the 'just wait till you find someone's.

I'm just glad you guys are out there. :wub:

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took me awhile to accept me for me and being asexual. i tried dating fully and i told myself maybe i will see if i will come out of it. but i have not i am asexual and i have accepted it. it is me.

if you accept you for you and if you are asexual then that is you

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It actually took me a while. It's actually kind of funny looking back on it now. Basically, I was in denial in which I kind of facepalm now. Oi. -_-

It was hard for me to accept my asexuality because unlike the most common of feelings, I actually didn't think I was broken and I actually thought that I was part of the majority and that everyone felt the same way I did. I thought that the only way they were acting different was because of social expectations and peer pressure, in which in a way, I still believe plays a factor for some people.

I thought that I was demisexual, and then I thought I was just grey-a leaning heavily on the ace side. I just found it hard to believe that I was actually in the minority of the minority (and in a way, I'm in the minority of the minority of the minority -- lacking both a libido and have yet to experience any arousal in my lifetime and I feel fine). I was so confused and literally said "I never experienced sexual attraction period" and yet... still took me some time to finally accept that I was asexual because I basically had been living a lie thinking I was part of the majority.

My granddad took it well... mom not so much. :/ She has heard about asexuality, but refuses to believe it's a thing. She doesn't even think bisexuality is a thing. She used to think I was gay, but then remember that I had a "crush" on a couple guys in the past. :huh:Oh right, the moment when you make up crushes so that people don't think something is off... I completely forgot about that -- until she had to remind me. So, she thinks that I think that I am really bisexual, but she thinks that I am really straight, but in denial. :huh: She thinks it's impossible to be ace, and that those people need help. And it really doesn't help that she even called bisexual people freaks. I'm not even bisexual, but even if I was, that was just really offensive... Basically just ended up saying that my sex life or lack thereof is none of anybody's business, and left it at that...

Oh, and something important I forgot to leave out, I didn't even confront my mom about my asexuality, but she came to me and asked several times. :/

I guess it couldn't be more obvious (I even told her that, isn't it obvious I'm ace?). My asexy vibes are REEKING!!!

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One Winged Angel

If you are set on bringing up the topic with others, I would suggest 'presenting' yourself as cool, calm and collected. Know what you are talking about, and have the answers ready for any pesky questions. If you come across as blundering or not knowing the answers, it will appear as if you are worried and asking for advice, rather than stating facts about how you feel. Always be prepared for confusion and denial, especially if you are bringing up the terms and words you see on here. It's OK to say 'demisexual' to someone on here, but to say it someone who has never heard it before is different. You would need to explain it well, or else it will come across as something very different.

I personally had no struggle in coming to terms with being Asexual. Finding AVEN and the word 'Asexual' was a massive revelation and a sigh of relief. It was like I'd got a jigsaw but had lost the picture which shows you what it's supposed to be. When I found out about Asexuality, I could finally put the puzzle together.

That said, I am extremely careful who I bring this up to in real life. I have learnt over the years that not everyone is as understanding and open minded as I am. There are some people to whom it would be impossible to even mention it to. These type of people have to suffice with a polite lie if the topic of relationships or sex is ever brought up.

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Red Panda Banana

For me, I started off in denial. I mean, growing up I was like pssh, someday I'll care about sex. Like, yeah, everyone has sex! I think at around 16 or 17 I finally heard of asexuality because of Tumblr but I never read a solid definition of it so I had no idea I had anything to do with it. Other people knew though. I remember one time when I was talking about my experience with sexuality, or lack thereof, around two of my lgbtq friends. A year later when I told them I was asexual they told me that they knew i was asexual. I mean, if I heard someone say what I had said to them I would have known they were asexual too. I basically said that I was never attracted to anyone and that I wasn't interested in having sex at all. Yup. I'm a sex repulsed ace. When I first figured this out I sobbed. I was so distraught. I thought I would never get married, because every time I pictured myself getting married I always chickened out at the consummation of the marriage and then in my fantasy my husband would cheat on me.

After a four-six month break of pretending like I was still straight after that emotional breakdown I re-confirmed that I was asexual only this time I was calm. At this point I thought to myself (as a religious person) okay... well, if God wants me to get married then he'll bring a man into my life who is either asexual (likely), somehow unable to have sex (potentially paralyzed) (also likely), or a sexual person who decides to be celibate for my sake (potentially unlikely, but, you never know). Honestly, I'm stilling hoping that I'm actually demisexual. Lol, I actually tried to convince myself for a while that I was demi because I was so scared of being asexual... I mean, now, honestly, I'm like yeah, I'm asexual. *Blank stare* I don't really tell a lot of people, but not because I'm afraid of their reactions. More because, it's just not that important. Like, yeah. I'm asexual. Does that affect anyone? Not unless they want to be in a relationship with me, I think. Which, is another great thing I'd like to point out. I mean. I'm oblivious to people checking me out. HOWEVER. I can proudly say that no one has ever asked me out or tried to sexually harass me (oh wait, no there was one guy- that was quite the ordeal btw. Called the police and everything. Nothing damaging though- I mean, not to an extreme extent at least...) Anyways, my point was: the asexual vibe is reeeealll people. I mean, some people can't take a hint, but, I think the asexual vibe I give off is an important part of my experience as an asexual person because I've never had to confront the idea of being in a relationship with anyone before.

In conclusion, things can be tough with people not believing you're asexual (or you're mom suggesting you be in an open relationship- which, I mean, okay I'm Christian so I'm not really down for that, plus, for me (not anyone else) I consider an open relationship to be cheating so that was really offensive to me). But! Overall being ace is totally great. I AM HAVE NEVER LIKED A TOTAL PEICE OF GARBAGE JUST BECASUE OF HORMONES LIKE MY FRIENDS. I WILL NEVER GET DISTRACTED BY ANOTHER HUMAN BEING'S APPERENCE. WHEN I LIKE/LOVE A PERSON IT IS BASED SOULY ON THEIR HEART AND NOT THEIR BODIES. I DO NOT HAVE TO STRUGGLE AS A CHRISTIAN TO NOT HAVE SEX BEFORE MARRAIGE. NO STUPID PURITY RINGS FOR THIS GIRL! THE FREEDOM I FEEL IS FANTASTIC, WHICH IS WHY I'M SCREAMIING AT YOU. I'M SO RELIEVED TO FEEL SECURE AND HAPPY WITH MY ASEXUALITY THAT I CAN'T CONTAIN MYSELF ANY LONGER. what ever is meant to happen will happen. If you want to get married, you will. If you want to be single, you will. If you're meant to have sex/enjoy sexual acts then you will. If you're not, you won't. But you will always be happy with you, because God made you perfectly. Maybe you wouldn't have been happy as a sexual person, and God gifted you asexuality in order to keep you safe from lust (which can harm certain people- and do take into account I'm not saying lustful people are bad). Just- you're all perfect. All of us. No matter the reason for our asexuality. No matter what kind of asexual we are. We are all perfect.

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I have acknowledged my disinterest in sexuality (mostly sex) ever since I was 13. Knowing about the term asexual has allowed me to shape my identity with less worrying. I was sex-repulsed for a long time but it's not very bad anymore. I still wouldn't agree to have sex with a partner so I'm a bit unsure about my future dating life. Who knows what can happen, though.

For me personally, AVEN and reading about asexuality have been most helpful! I'm not even much of a "community person" but the ace community has made me feel that I belong. I like seeing diversity among us. I also think that knowing about sexuality in general can be helpful when accepting your personal feelings - how it works and why it dominates mainstream media in its many ways.

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Right about ages where other kids were starting to act all obsessed about kissing and dating and talking and giggling about sex, I realized something was different about me. I was seriously, like, 20, tho, before I finally figured it out that for other people, there is a powerful, addictive physical feeling connected to all this, that for some reason just doesn't happen for me. I had several friends who seemed to be kindred spirits but they eventually came out as gay. I've seen the subject discussed in magazine articles or on talk shows but always within the context of disinterest in sex being a *problem*. I have tried to talk to people about this in real life but they just act weird. I've met lots of gay people but have NEVER met anyone who admits to not being into sex at all.

So, this forum really has been the first feeling of any sort of acceptance at all about who I am that I have ever experienced. I don't think I'll ever be able to completely wrap my brain around the fact that most (almost all) other people take all their clothes off and get on top of each other naked when they're home alone together and that I'm one of just a very small percentage of people who don't do that. I don't think there's a day that goes where I don't have a this-is-all-so-weird thought of some sort.

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If you are set on bringing up the topic with others, I would suggest 'presenting' yourself as cool, calm and collected. Know what you are talking about, and have the answers ready for any pesky questions. If you come across as blundering or not knowing the answers, it will appear as if you are worried and asking for advice, rather than stating facts about how you feel. Always be prepared for confusion and denial, especially if you are bringing up the terms and words you see on here. It's OK to say 'demisexual' to someone on here, but to say it someone who has never heard it before is different. You would need to explain it well, or else it will come across as something very different.

....

That said, I am extremely careful who I bring this up to in real life. I have learnt over the years that not everyone is as understanding and open minded as I am. There are some people to whom it would be impossible to even mention it to. These type of people have to suffice with a polite lie if the topic of relationships or sex is ever brought up.

Thanks for the advice! I came out to my mom today! It was nerve wracking, but it actually went really well! Y'know why? Because I stayed calm and cool, explaining the terms I used, and because my mom hinted that she identifies as demisexual! WHAT?!? That had been a serious question for me, because I thought, oh maybe this is just a woman thing like because guys are the dominant gender the media paints everybody as super oversexed (which despite some generalizations and stereotypes I still kind of think is true in a sense), because my mom was my prime outlet for seeing how a mature woman sees sex, it never occurred to me that she might also be unusual. But we had a good chat, not super awkward- she talked about her own history, that both she and my dad had to go through some crappy relationships before they found each other, that she had sex mostly since 'she might as well' until she fell in love with my dad, etc!

I plan on explaining this to my dad and one brother, not sure who else at this point. Wish me luck!

To anyone else who plans on coming out to people, I agree with One Winged Angel - do your research, know what you mean, and use terms that will make sense to people if you can (explain further if needed!).

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One Winged Angel

Well it looks like that went well for you after all then! :cake:

Best of luck with any further explanations!

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Jenna Nicole

I struggled for years when it came to love and relationships. The biggest change came in 2012, and a few months after the relationships fell apart, I realized I was asexual. It wasn't the failed relationships that caused me to discover my identity. I just bottled it up and didn't realize it until that point in time. I know people would say that is absolute BS, but I know myself the best. :)

Still struggling with romantic feelings. I haven't been romantically inclined towards anyone in a while, but I'm always going between hetero-romantic and bi-romantic.

I think, though, I'd be up to dating either a guy or a woman.

It can be tough coming out as asexual at first-at least in my experience–because people automatically assume you are identifying as ace because of failed relationships, etc.

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bluedragonwings

I am not sure I will fully ever accept myself, if for know other reason than I am just not sure. So many "but what about..." Thoughts in my head. Definitely at least gray. But I just can't get a bead on me. Hearing about other aces and full blown terms and communities was a huge relief, but not quite able to accept one way or another.

I have talked to two people about it. Both conversations were awkward. The first was my best friend who seemed mostly supportive. The sexton was an ex gf, because I needed to talk to someone in person in the LGBT+ community who I could discuss figuring things out with.

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