Am I asexual/is this normal for an Asexual?

[Medowsweet]

I think I might be Asexual or Demisexual... but I am not sure.

I know you are not allowed to label me but you can certainly say "those are all perfectly normal variants of asexual" or "i consider myself demi and that sounds like me."

Here is my general description

(Warning! Could be TMI for some people!)

A) I have never in my life seen someone and wanted to have sex with them. I can't even picture this feeling. The idea that you see a photo or a person walking down the street and you... what? The closest I can imagine is "you get to know a movie character very well and want to be their girlfriend."

On dating sites they expect you to have attraction based on a photo and I can not comprehend this. How can anyone be attracted to a photo? A photo can turn me off (say, someone is scowling) but not turn me on.

B) I have had sex, with very close friends that I have known for years and love in a friendship kinda way. I did it because "they wanted to and it won't hurt me in any way". I thought of it as mildly boring, mildly uncomfortable, but also good for bonding and showing affection.

I would do it again for the bonding aspect.

C) I DO get crushes. Almost exclusively with very very close friends, or fictional characters. What I ideally want in these crushes is to be "very, very important to the person" or "MOST important to the other person." I want to be able to make them feel better. And I want them to share things with me they would never share with anyone else. I want to fall in love and be loved.

D) Once actually IN the above relationship, "sex" is a "take it or leave it" sort of thing. Sorta like watching a tv show they love and you don't entirely hate so that you can spend time together. You enjoy it because of the time spent together and the bonding, but the actual activity is kinda "meh"

Buuuut KISSING, HUGGING, DATING, CUDDLING, HOLDING HANDS, SINGING TOGETHER, SHARING SECRETS, SHARING HOLIDAYS, SHARING HOBBIES are all very, very, VEEEERY important to me!!

E) Even tho I don't get "turned on" by "attractive people", I DO get sexual feelings. I have... scenarios (most often encountered in movies and books) that can give me feelings "down there". Often how it makes me feel towards the person is "I want to bond with them. I want them to bond with me. I want to hug, and cuddle, and share with them. I want them to love me. I want to be their best friend. I want to be their girlfriend"

F) I do fantasise and.... "you know" manually. But not about physical bodies or having sex or real people. They are about scenarios and the person to person interaction is often protective - a vampire trying not to bite, a warewolf trying not to change, other stuff that is about closeness, difficulty, protecting, and sacrificing for the other. It can also be about care or hurt/comfort.

The other person is either 100% made up, a character of mine, or (rarely) a fictional character from a book or tv show

G) if ever I encounter someone I find "cute" in real life (who is not a friend) my main thought is to get away from them, don't make eye contact, don't let them touch me, and make sure they don't think I like them in any way.

I once had a coworker I thought was cute. Even tho he was always nice to me I hated when he worked with me because I felt.... like almost afraid of accidently touching him, then I thought I was being pointlessly mean/cold to a normal/nice/harmless person- but I was also afraid to be nice to try to be friends in case he mistakenly thought I liked him.

I was so relieved when he got fired.

What makes me think I am NOT asexual is that I can be turned on with certain non-sexual scenarios

And that i want very much to fall in love, date, and even hug and kiss.

And when I DO encounter a physically attractive person (probably happens 3 times in my entire life) I am... almost afraid of them.

Is this normal for an asexual?

Or do I sound more Demi?

[alien_ariel]

I myself am only really just coming to terms with asexuality and considering the possibility that I could be such. That being said, our situations sound very akin to each other. I have a strong capacity for love and desire for companionship. I can even occasionally feel turned on; but usually it's more to do with the thought of another person than the person themself. The idea of caring for another person, for closeness, is what's attractive, not their physical image or presence.

Like I said, I'm not really sure where I fall either. At a glance, I think I'm a heteroromantic asexual; I have a boyfriend and love him deeply, but sex is neither exciting nor scary for me. It's just kind of a thing that happens occasionally, and I'm not particularly interested. I don't usually like to initiate, but once it's happening it's nothing thrilling in any sense.

Someone previously linked me this extensive archive of information, and I think it could help you as it did me: http://www.asexualityarchive.com/

I encourage you to explore your options and evaluate your experiences, because discovery is personal. Don't feel the need to confine yourself to a specific label just yet (or ever, if you don't want to). I would say that, since you've found your way here, you probably already believe deep down that you are some kind of asexual. I found that after writing my first post, imploring people for advice and listing all sorts of questions, that I already knew I belonged here. If it feels the same for you as it now does for me, I think you're home.

[Imerza]

You can still be asexual and fall in love. Asexual means that you have don't have sexual attractions, so someone who's asexual could be in a relationship, masterbate, and/or have sex. Because your fantasies aren't about a specific person, it does seem like you're asexual. You also have romantic attraction(fine for a asexual), but when you discover this, you seperate yourself from that person(only you can understand why that is). However, it's still possible you're somewhere on the asexual spectrum. Have, you ever been in a relationship and after getting to know them/forming an emotional bond, had a sexual attraction towards them? That would mean you were demisexual. Seriously, though, no one can tell you who you are, you'll have to find that out for yourself!

hope I helped a little

[Queen of Wonderland]

Well first, welcome to AVEN! Have some cake, there's loads here

Second, you sound pretty asexual to me. Its fairly common for ace people to, as you so eloquently put it, "you know," so that doesn't mean you're not ace. Neither does the fact that you can experience arousal, because ace people's plumbing works just as well as anyone else's. I think you sound like someone asexual who's on the romantic spectrum. If you don't know, you can figure out your romantic orientation the same way you figure out your sexual one; who do you desire relationships with? I notice you talk about being in close emotional relationships with people, but still not exactly enjoying/desiring sex because of attraction, just for bonding, so it doesn't sound like you're demisexual to me. I could be wrong, but you really do sound like a surefire ace person. The hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc stuff isn't really considered sexual, more sensual, so that doesn't mean you're not ace either. And I don't know about your fear of attractive people. That sounds like your own thing. Maybe nerves? Maybe its sex repulsion? Who knows. And really, who cares. Don't stress about it much, it doesn't seem like it affects your orientation. If you feel comfortable calling yourself ace, good! Grand! If not, keeping searching, around AVEN you can find basically every sexuality on the asexual spectrum. Labeling yourself isn't the most important thing in life, but if you want to, you've come to the right place. Good luck, and I hope you find support and answers on here.

[Lana Overland]

Ditto.

If I had to give you a label I'd say a writer a sex neutral libidoist asexual demiromantic person. You're looking for confirmation about what I think you already know (since you're here) when we really can't tell you (because we're not you and your label is purely what you feel comfortable identifying as). Yes, all of these things are things that some (I say some because I don't know how many but it's common enough) people who identify as asexual feel, heck they're things I feel. My advice is, take your time, think about how you feel and you'll figure it out. We all have doubts about our ace/ace spectrum-ness from time to time because of this or that, but the important thing to know is that no one really cares if you feel like you need to change your label, you just need to be comfortable with how you identify. No one will call you on it (or should call you on it) because of xy or z, because only you know how you feel (that isn't to say that I recommend a 99.99% straight person identify as gay or asexual or whatever because he can, I recommend identifying as accurately as you feel you need without going to too many extremes because no label will ever fit anyone perfectly (that's why there are so many))

[Tirnanog]

Hi there, this is my first time officially on this site! I've only just come across the terms demisexual and gray-asexual (I live in a pretty liberal area so at least there's been more info about sexuality than there could have been)- I at least knew what asexual was, but it was kind of vague and nobody ever said it was a spectrum. So I hear these terms described, and it's like a light switch- "There are other people like me? I thought I just was just shy, or just had a super low sex drive and had been raised being urged towards abstinence."

(Next bit might be a little TMI but nothing super dirty)

I'm still figuring things out- I've never even dated anyone. I do feel romantic feelings, and I understand through social cues that certain things are sexual (like a pose or an innuendo), but it never really does anything for me, y'know? I have apprehension towards having sex, but most of that I chalk up to never having done it. But I don't really want to, and aren't the teen years supposed to be super horny? I've been attracted to people like twice, and that was more being flattered at their flirting and being curious what would it be like to be in a relationship like my friends are. I'd be fine if I only had sex with someone I really truly loved, but would probably never initiate it.

I'm also glad that even though there are terms for these things, I don't have to actually define myself as this thing and this other thing can't apply to me. I'd call myself heteromantic demisexual. But like I said, I'm still figuring this out.

Basically, I'm saying I see a lot of similarities between us, so you're not out of the blue if you are wondering if this is normal.

[Medowsweet]

Have, you ever been in a relationship and after getting to know them/forming an emotional bond, had a sexual attraction towards them?

Uuuuuuuh.... soooortaaaa? I have been with both guys and gals, and I have found when I am very close to someone I DO want to snuggle and "make out" and such. I want to be close to them physically like kissing in the rain, feeding eachother popcorn, laying on his chest, rolling around on him like a kitten, holding hands, and spending every waking moment together and ideally touching (and every moment appart together on text or phone).

But actually contact between gentiles is sorta.... take it or leave it. Either way is fine so long as we are bonding, touching, together.

In this scenario the making out is the "highest" like....

Cuddling during a movie is a 7

Making out would be an 8

Making out in the rain or other exciting and romantic scenario/fulfilling a fantasy would be a 10

Sex in a forest or other romantic/exciting location/fulfilling a fantasy would be an 8

Sex in a bedroom would be back down to a 7

(About the same as cuddling during a movie, feeding eachother popcorn, or pretending to be scared at Halloween Horror night and jumping into their arms. There would really be no difference.)

So... do I want to have sex with someone I am in love with and dating? Yes, in the exact same way I want to lay with my head in their lap and make a daisy chain. No more and no less.

Ditto.

If I had to give you a label I'd say a writer a sex neutral libidoist asexual demiromantic person.

"A writer" hahaha!

What is a "libidoist"?

Well first, welcome to AVEN! Have some cake, there's loads here

And I don't know about your fear of attractive people. That sounds like your own thing. Maybe nerves?

Thanks for the cake!

As for being afraid of attractive people..... let me just say I am not very attractive and all growing up people have LET ME KNOW IT in no uncertain terms.

Attractive people come accross as potentially mean/scary/threatening/intimidating/judgemental.

Even on Okcupid if someone is too traditionally "good looking" it sets off alarm bells and I think "that person is no good/dangerous/scary/probably would be mean to me!"

I would probably not answer them even if we were 100% match and they messaged me first. I would be sure they were up to no good. Some sort of mean trick.

(But this has no effect on my feelings towards movie characters and people "in my league". With them they become attractive to me once I fall in love with them. But even so i don't want to -do- them, I just want to be their girlfriend)

Hi there, this is my first time officially on this site! I've only just come across the terms demisexual and gray-asexual (I live in a pretty liberal area so at least there's been more info about sexuality than there could have been)- I at least knew what asexual was, but it was kind of vague and nobody ever said it was a spectrum. So I hear these terms described, and it's like a light switch- "There are other people like me? I thought I just was just shy, or just had a super low sex drive and had been raised being urged towards abstinence."

Yeah! This is exactly like me! I found this and other online stuff and was like "this is a thing?!"

I always assumed I was bi.

I assumed I couldn't be Asexual because I love cuddling and kissing and being in love. I definitely want to be in a family, marriage, and kids and all that. I do have some scenario fetishes. I sometimes get "crushes" (never "I would do them" always "I wish I was their girl friend/favorite person").

I didn't think you could be Asexual and still have those desires for relationship and romantic love. I would be 100% content with a pg13 love story for the rest of my life as long as the other person was happy with it too.

I guess just like you don't have to be strait or gay (or even bi- you can be 70/30 And that's fine)

I guess I didn't know asexual came in so many shades.

[Memento1]

A lot of what you describe sounds romantic, not sexual. I can relate to that as I've always been heavily romantic, no matter where my sexuality was (from sex-repulsed to demisexual). The things you described ("KISSING, HUGGING, DATING, CUDDLING, HOLDING HANDS, SINGING TOGETHER, SHARING SECRETS, SHARING HOLIDAYS, SHARING HOBBIES") all are what I would describe as romantic, not sexual (though kissing falls on both sides and romantic asexuals often have different points at which kissing turns from comfortable to uncomfortable). Wanting to be in a deep, close, romantic relationship with someone is different from wanting to have sex with them, though they can and often do overlap. I think a lot of asexuals (including myself when I first heard the term) rule it out as describing them because they think romantic feelings means sexual. It doesn't, society often just frames it that way.

As for the asexual part, I don't think of asexual as a black or white thing. It is a spectrum. I'd say your descriptions put you fairly squarely on the asexual end of the spectrum, but I can't say where. And honestly, it doesn't matter. It's only a label, not a definition of who you are and always will be. Many people just call it gray and be done with it - that leaves plenty of wiggle room to experiment, change your feelings, or evolve without having to redefine yourself every step of the way.

I don't like the term "normal", especially when applied to asexuality. There is no "normal" asexual. If there's anything I've learned from my time on AVEN, it's that. The underlying question is probably "are there people like me?" And the answer is yes, no matter where on the spectrum you are. So welcome to our big, crazy, asexy family and have some cake!

(EDIT: Fun fact, cake is something of an asexual symbol because asexuals would often rather have cake than sex. Doesn't mean they necessarily dislike sex, just cake is usually more exciting.)

[Beth_Altair4]

If that was me I'd be happy identifying as ace TBH. It pretty much is me and I do.

Sex is not important to me but I don't hate it. Like monopoly...I'd do it to bond with someone I care about but it if I never played monopoly again I wouldn't consider my life empty.

[henshin]

You sound like a pretty normal romantic asexual to me.

I would like to point out thought that your point A seems to be a bit of a fallacy with asexual people about how sexuals work. Most asexuals I know don't want to have sex with a random person on the street or because of a photography either, that's more about finding someone generally attractive. Sexual attraction is much more linked to emotions in sexuals than I think a lot of us realise. Can't blame us given the culture we live in, but I recommend talking to some sexual friends about how they experience sexual attraction and the desire to have sex.

[Memento1]

I would like to point out thought that your point A seems to be a bit of a fallacy with asexual people about how sexuals work. Most asexuals I know don't want to have sex with a random person on the street or because of a photography either, that's more about finding someone generally attractive. Sexual attraction is much more linked to emotions in sexuals than I think a lot of us realise. Can't blame us given the culture we live in, but I recommend talking to some sexual friends about how they experience sexual attraction and the desire to have sex.

That actually is how some sexuals are, though. I have heard from some sexuals (usually men, but not always) that they see a beautiful stranger and immediately have vivid sexual fantasies about them. I am not saying this is the norm, or even common, but it does happen. So like most stereotypes, the idea does have a small basis in reality. I agree we shouldn't classify that as a defining characteristic of sexuals, though.

[Telecaster68]

"I have heard from some sexuals (usually men, but not always) that they see a beautiful stranger and immediately have vivid sexual fantasies about them."

Well, we don't stop dead in the street and go into a priapic reverie. It's more like seeing a nice car and briefly imagining how good it woukd be to drive it along a good bit of road. And if you're going by comments young men make to each other, it's more to demonstrate how masculine and virile they are to each other. Mostly those kinds of people would be paralysed if the woman actually spoke to them.

[Memento1]

some have fairly low libidos or would be perfectly okay if they didn't have sex for a long time or for the rest of their lives if they didn't find a partner they really wanted to share that experience with, etc.

That didn't really mesh with my experience of most sexuals (who always seem to say the thought of never having sex again makes them unhappy, if not downright terrified), so I went searching to see if there's any data on people's perceptions of sex. The only scientific surveys I found on how people would feel about never having sex again were on middle-aged and elderly people by the AARP. One report says "1 in 5 women in their 50s say they'd be quite happy to never have sex again. About 1 in 50 men in their 50s agree." That averages out to 11%. Another says of people 75 and over, 36% of women and 5% of men "would be quite happy never having sex again." That averages to about 20%. The same survey says middle-aged participants (didn't define middle-aged, but before 70) said 6% of women and 3% of men would be quite happy never having sex again. That's 4.5%. Obviously there's some differences there but all fairly low, and all in the post-menopausal stages where women at least go through a sharp decline in sex hormones. So I think it would be safe to say in their 20s and 30s the people who would be happy never having sex again is below 5%. That means a very small minority of people would be perfectly okay with not having sex, and I would argue most of those people would be on the asexual end of the spectrum. We can debate all day where the asexual portion of the spectrum ends and the sexual one begins, but since it's a self-identified label, there's really no correct answer to that.