Figuring Out My Demi or gray asexuality and Relationships

[Devi]

Basic info: she/her/hers, panromantic, long post

So I'm super new to the website but over the past several months, or really close to a year at this point I've been trying to work with my relationship to being demisexual or maybe gray ace in a broader sense. I'm in college and over the past couple of years I've gone on a few dates and most of them have ended in me feeling really uncomfortable and just kind of sad.

My first date ended with a kiss that felt way too soon and an invitation to his house the next night and I didn't go out with him again feeling uncomfortable. Then a couple others that weren't as physical still ended with one date after deciding with the person they wanted to be more sexual than I would be interested in. A different more recent date was what more solidly led to me coming to terms with likely being gray or demi. There was a lot of good conversation, and we held hands on the way to the bus stop, but before going home my date french kissed me and I rode my bike home just feeling kind of dazed and upset. When I got home I was crying and just feeling super crummy and upset about the whole thing, both feeling odd at my own reaction to being kissed and then also upset that what had been a nice evening just felt really strange for me all around.

After this I didn't go on any dates for awhile and then started coming to terms with things a bit more. I've recently been hanging out and going on outings with a nice kid from one of my classes that are probably dates in one capacity or another but there hasn't been anything physical or romantic yet and we aren't actually dating at this point and haven't talked about things that way but it's felt like it's likely going in that direction. I've been trying to keep in close touch with myself through this to make sure I'm okay with anywhere the relationship goes, and also to stay in a place where I can be completely honest with this friend. I've told him I'm demisexual which I feel should help a lot, but I'm still not sure if demi is fully my sexual identity but it's the best understanding I've come to have with it so far.

I guess I'm having some insecurities figuring this out after a friend mentioned to me that they didn't really think demisexuality was real or just something that stemmed from uncomfortable dates with weird dudes and as I've had a few of those I've just felt kind of off ever since. I come from a religious upbringing that does encourage leaving sexuality for marriage which in a lot of ways sounds more comfortable to me, but sex was never shamed in my upbringing and I know my demisexuality whether affected by my upbringing or not is still valid outside of it as well. With the friend I've been seeing I'm still super uncomfortable with the idea of kissing let alone having a sexual relationship at this point, but I'm worried about leading him on while I'm still figuring out my demisexuality, if I might also be demiromantic, and stuff like that, even though I realize I don't have romantic obligations to someone because we've spent time together, I just don't want to give false impressions while I'm still figuring stuff out.

I'm curious to see what other processes people have gone through while figuring out their demi or gray asexuality or demiromanticism, and also even though there's not a lot of information, I'm interested if anyone had thoughts or possibles insights on my experiences so far. ^_^

[Lana Overland]

The label is really just a way to make it easier to express your feelings to other people and tell them what you are comfortable with at the most basic level. No label will ever be able to perfectly describe anyone, that's why there are so many. The important thing is that you know who you are and feel comfortable with the word(s) that you use to express that. The most important thing is honesty and communication. If you don't feel comfortable the worst thing you can do is put that on yourself and say it's your fault because of your sexuality, it just makes the other person feel like they did something wrong because you never told them to slow down. It'll be frustrating at times, but if it's going to work out you'll have to make sure you're talking and you know what both of you are comfortable doing and not doing. Also, it's okay to change how you identify, or not identify it as a single label. You might decide you're actually asexual or straight or so on, sometimes you find a label that makes more sense or your feelings change, that's okay. Most of us have that anxiety about whether we're really ace (or gray or demi or so on) all the time, because we focus a little to much on getting it right (because coming out is scary and we only want to do it once). Take your time and talk and you'll figure it out.

[Devi]

Thank you so much you made a lot of really good points. And that makes sense, ultimately being honest with myself and the people around me is the best I can do, and being patient with myself is something I should remember more. ^_^