I used to be sexual, but now I'm not sure

[alien_ariel]

Hi, I'm new to this site (and to forums in general). I don't usually like to talk about myself, but I'm kind of scared and want some advice before taking this further.

I'm 24 and was fairly sexual for the first few years after I started having sex (around 19). I was with a guy I really cared about (he might have even been my first real love); I eventually broke up with him because he was probably abusive. I only really noticed the damage he did until after I started dating other guys. I've had four sexual partners and three boyfriends since, including my current boyfriend Spencer. I'm starting to worry because, despite being very much in love with him, I hardly ever feel sexual attraction. Not just to him, but to anyone or anything.

This has been the case with every relationship since my first sexual partner: I'll be into the sex for the first few weeks, but then lose all interest after a time. It doesn't feel like anything. It's boring. And I worry about partners asking me for sex because I don't want to have it; I feel bad for rejecting them. Or, even worse, acquiescing and faking orgasm. I've never actually had one during sex.

Sometimes I don't even like kissing or cuddling, because I'm afraid it'll naturally progress to sex and I don't want to have it. Sometimes I'm in the mood, but it's very rare. Usually only after I haven't seen my boyfriend for an extended period of time.

I took a quick diagnostic-type quiz to see if I fall somewhere on the asexuality spectrum, because I've suspected for quite a while that I could be asexual. It said that I'm most likely gray-asexual.

I'm not scared about being asexual, but I am scared how it'll affect Spencer. I love him dearly and we're set to move in together in August. I need to know how to approach this. Do I tell him? If so how? Should I expect him to break up with me? If he stays, how should we handle this? Can you have a good relationship with a sexual person even if you're asexual? Are there resources I can look into and show him if he has questions?

Any help would really be appreciated. Like I said, this isn't something I normally do; I tend to work through problems alone. But this is something I can't do, and that terrifies me.

Thanks in advance.

[Queen of Wonderland]

Well first off, you've found your resource! There's a FAQ page for sexual people on the main site here, and a whole section of the forum for sexual partners/allies, if he has any questions. And yes, sexual and asexual people have had successful relationships. It might be hard, but its definitely doable. I hope you can figure it out.

And also, welcome to AVEN! Have some cake

[alien_ariel]

Thanks for the welcome. :) And for the tip about the forum section for partners. I hadn't noticed that yet.

[alien_ariel]

Honestly, I feel so much better even just admitting to myself that this might be who I am. I think I've suspected it for a long time. Maybe even known.

But I don't know if I'm ready to tell my boyfriend. It seems like such a huge issue; I don't even really know where I'd start. Would talking it over with a friend be beneficial? My family is not understanding, so that isn't really an option. Is practicing what to say/how to phrase it a good idea, or would it sound rehearsed and disingenuous?

[TopHatCat]

One of the reasons asexuality is really important to spread the word of is because it can basically remain dormant then ruin a relationship over time. Therefore, once discovering yourself as ace, I think it's really important to tell your partner and discuss how it might affect you as a unit. That being said, there's no telling how they might react, I'm sorry to say, but if your relationship ends it might be better than sharing a life and then pulling apart from each other. Only you can really identify yourself because it's all your experiences, and it can be pretty difficult to pinpoint asexuality in particular because it's a lack of sexual attraction. When I first discovered I was ace, this is the first website I found and it's a fantastic resource. I recommend going through the self-discovery subjects on it and reading up a bit.

http://www.asexualityarchive.com

I hope this helps

[AceOfShovels]

A drop in sexual desire can be a symptom of depression. Being that you say you were in an abusive relationship, I wouldn't say it's unreasonable that you're depressed. It could be worth looking into that before you commit yourself to being Ace, it's a big step discovering your sexuality, you'd want to be absolutely sure.

[alien_ariel]

A drop in sexual desire can be a symptom of depression. Being that you say you were in an abusive relationship, I wouldn't say it's unreasonable that you're depressed. It could be worth looking into that before you commit yourself to being Ace, it's a big step discovering your sexuality, you'd want to be absolutely sure.

I do actually have depression, and anxiety. But the signs of possible asexuality (I think, anyway) were happening well before I even started having sex. I admit, the depression probably worsen how I naturally am.