Opinion on Telling Family

[Stargazer365]

I decided to move this topic over to this forum since I need opinions from people closer to my age. Here’s the link to the topic.

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/141878-conversation-asexuals-everywhere-probably-hate/

In summary of that post, my aunt’s husband was asking me when he was going to my wedding and why I don’t have a boyfriend. It made me question why my parents never asked me those types of questions and so I emailed my mom last night why they never did.

Well, my mom responded to my email. I was wondering if she would take is seriously, and am happily surprised that she did and what her response was. In short she said that if I find someone I’ll let them know. That there’s no rules that say I need a boyfriend or that I should be married. It’s a choice and not a requirement and it doesn’t mean I have to be married.

What was surprising is that she must have shared my email with my dad. He actually emailed me too, which was more surprising than anything. I didn’t think he’d participate in a serious conversation like this. I’m not sure what I feel about some of his comments. His first sentence was I haven’t met the right guy yet. Really…I haven’t met the right guy yet? I’m 43 years old! He then goes on to bash my aunt’s husband and his family and then all our family that got married and then divorced. Not sure what I feel about his last two sentences…you don’t want to get married just for the sake of sex (Yeah, that’s never going to happen. Besides, you can have sex without being married. LOL). You just have to keep looking for Mr. Right.

Based on both of their replies, I’m thinking that they would be okay with me being asexual, though my mom more than my dad. Unfortunately I still don’t know if they think I’m gay, straight, or whatever; especially since I’ve never had a boyfriend. That was one thing I was hoping they'd hint at.

Now this brings up a question that I’d like all your opinions on. Both my parents have left the conversation open if I feel like sharing with them in some way that I’m asexual. It’s almost like it’s a sign that I should. I’ve been wanting to possibly tell at least my mom for a while, but I’m not really sure. Do you think it’s something I should bring up to them being that I’m in my 40s and don’t see them even monthly?

[Snao Cone]

Unfortunately I still don’t know if they think I’m gay, straight, or whatever; especially since I’ve never had a boyfriend. That was one thing I was hoping they'd hint at.

This is what I wonder about, if I were to explicitly say to my family members that I'm asexual. I only bring it up when it comes up in conversation, but it's very obvious that I'm not looking for a relationship or anyone to bring into the family, as such. I've always been very vocally pro-LGBT, so I would hope they would've figured out that there would be nothing stopping me if I were lesbian or bi.

I think if there was something in the local newspaper about asexuality and/or aromanticism, my mother would read it and think of me. She would cut the article out of the paper and give it to me the next time I saw her. That would annoy the shit out of me (as it's such an annoying mom thing to do ) but I would know that she did so in the best of faith.

It may feel awkward to bring it up in a formal coming-out sort of way at this point, but I doubt they would be surprised if they learned about asexuality on their own. It's up to you to decide if it would be better for you to tell them, or to carry on and hope that they've put the pieces together already. Not everything needs to be said to be understood.

[Skycaptain]

If your parents are understanding and tolerant of non heterosexual orientations that's a good start. Going by the responses it may be best to have a conversation with your mum first, just mention asexuality somewhere and see if she's aware of the orientation.

Personal experience, I came out to my family aged 42, having never had a relationship, and the response was basically " tell us something we don't know ". They'd worked it out before I'd even heard of the term, but were too polite to mention anything.

[RobPal]

I think my parents have already figured it out and saved me the awkward conversation. They both read a lot of newspapers, so I'm sure they've come across various articles about asexuality and put two and two together. Only once, several years ago now (maybe ten or more) did I get a brief question about having a companion, which I just said that I was concentrating on my career. This was many many years before I even knew what asexuality was and that I wasn't broken. There have been no further questions since. My brothers and friends aren't there yet, but I will explain it if they ever ask, but it almost never fits into the topics of conversation, thankfully.

[Rising Sun]

Relatives are among the very last people on Earth I'd tell this kind of information. This is something far too private to tell.

At all times of my life where I was single, my father used to bother me with marriage and telling me that I'm becoming an "old girl", and how I should think about looking for a husband with plenty of money so I could inherit it. Which I always answered reminding him of marriages turning very badly for himself, and that what I care about is happiness rather than money, and that everyone has different ideas of happiness. Not everyone is happy in a relationship and I can't get how such an obvious thing needs to be regularly repeated, even more among adults. Somebody's wish for being single should be respected (and not to say, not constantly questioned !) whether the person is asexual / aromantic or not, no one should feel like they should have to find a reason for justifying their own choices in life, even more as independent and responsible people.

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

I think coming out as asexual and/or aromantic is actually easier the older you get. You've built up a history of non-interest that your family is intimately familiar with. They may feel better knowing the truth instead of believing in any illusions about you. Coming out may also ease any tension you've felt around them about this topic.

[GeoAmy]

I came out to my parents a couple of years ago and it went well despite them being rather conservative. My dad was shockingly supportive and even speculated a few other family members were the same. My mom was a bit indifferent. My brother and sister also know and are fine with it as well. I don't really feel the need to tell extended family members as they don't need to know. However, I can't help but wonder if they think I'm gay, but I don't care.

Some of my reasons for telling my parents is I wanted them to know I wasn't gay and my dad quickly said he never thought that I was! We haven't discussed it since, but I felt a weight lifted having told them and I don't have to lie. I utilized the Psychology Today article to broach the subject with them and told them separately. At the time I was chatting with an ace I met online so it was then easier to explain how I met a guy from the UK (it didn't work out with the guy though).

[cavalier080854]

Relations are the last people that I would tell. No need to upset your closest. No, my mother is now 83 and I wouldn't wish to upset her needlessly. I have only told my closest friends, all 23 of them, who respect my privacy, and keep it secret.