Asexual Women Musings

[butterflydreams]

3 minutes ago, SaturnOOO said:

I'm so back and forth on this. On the one hand, my tendency is to treat people as adults and as long as I talk openly and honestly about the risks and benefits of what I'm offering and the reasons why I'm asking the questions I am, then trust that they are going to make the right decisions for themselves. On the other hand, after just 3 months in emerg I've seen tons of situations where, for instance, someone swears up and down that they've never had sex and ends up having an STI or being pregnant. And then it's like oh well just that one time. I hate that it creates this culture where health care providers simply assume not being sexually active doesn't exist (which to be fair it is rare.)

I know, I can only imagine how often stuff like that happens. “Well, it was just this one time.” Maybe it’s just our cross to bear that we’re not believed initially. Maybe their experience tells them to be skeptical of someone not being sexually active. Statistically, it is weird, especially for someone my age (late 20s). 

 

But on the other hand, I feel like crap when attention is brought to the fact that I haven’t had sex and am not sexually active. I tie it to my level of maturity and adult-ness. I guess that’s my problem and I need to work through it. 

[SaturnOOO]

2 minutes ago, butterflydreams said:

Maybe their experience tells them to be skeptical of someone not being sexually active. Statistically, it is weird, especially for someone my age (late 20s). 

Which is why I think it's to the benefit of everyone if we can take the stigma out of talking about sex, which is oddly still a thing, especially when it comes to young women and sexual health-related issues that are often associated with multiple partners. Wouldn't it be great if you could say I have 0 partners or I have 10 and just receive appropriate, non-judgmental care?

[Snao Cone]

My doctor didn't even ask about sexual activity on the recent visit. She renewed my BC prescription, which I mostly take for period regulation, but didn't ask details. I'm not looking to get pregnant. Other meds I'm on can't be taken while pregnant, so I'm asked that question on a regular basis. I don't think it's awkward or inappropriate, because I'm in my 30s and have a womb so it's not a statistical stretch to consider a pregnancy might happen. But I can see how that question can make people very anxious. We need to remove stigmas and make it about straightforward nonjudgmental facts. 

[borkfork]

We also have people who think "I'm a virgin. I've only had anal and oral sex." One more reason that word is useless.

[Shadow007]

@Snao Cone, I think that, even though things are changing and important issues are being discussed more, it's probably going to be quite a while before that stigma truly disappears (unfortunately).

[Snao Cone]

Just now, Shadow007 said:

@Snao Cone, I think that, even though things are changing and important issues are being discussed more, it's probably going to be quite a while before that stigma truly disappears (unfortunately).

Yup, sadly. There are constant setbacks too - political opinions and power moves that limit access to healthcare period, not to mention the kinds of places that may specialize in these services (especially in the US). Pursuing health care is so easily shamed. There's the promiscuity/virginity shame, general shaming of our bodies, obstacles for transgender folks, and for men an expectation of "toughness" that deters them. For all the attempts to tackle these, there are reactions that seek to shame them further.

[butterflydreams]

15 minutes ago, borkfork said:

We also have people who think "I'm a virgin. I've only had anal and oral sex." One more reason that word is useless.

I've always said doctors should define what they mean by "sexually active" because they mean something specific. It wouldn't be hard for them to just say what they mean and then everyone could just answer if they'd done those things.

 

Quote

There's the promiscuity/virginity shame

I hate virginity shaming more than anything in the world. It's sick.

[Snao Cone]

I would imagine even masturbating could be relevant information, much like menstrual products and hygiene regimens. Anything that goes into any holes! 

 

(edit: or comes out for that matter  )

[butterflydreams]

1 minute ago, Snao Cone said:

I would imagine even masturbating could be relevant information, much like menstrual products and hygiene regimens. Anything that goes into any holes! 

 

(edit: or comes out for that matter  )

The first time a doctor asked me if I was sexually active, I thought masturbation counted, so I asked to clarify.

[borkfork]

1 hour ago, Snao Cone said:

Yup, sadly. There are constant setbacks too - political opinions and power moves that limit access to healthcare period, not to mention the kinds of places that may specialize in these services (especially in the US). Pursuing health care is so easily shamed. There's the promiscuity/virginity shame, general shaming of our bodies, obstacles for transgender folks, and for men an expectation of "toughness" that deters them. For all the attempts to tackle these, there are reactions that seek to shame them further.

 

So many politicians willing to climb over the bodies of dead women and transgender boogeymen to prove their righteousness. Physicians who don't take women's pain seriously. A lot of torsed ovaries get treated as kidney stones because "she's just being dramatic." 

 

Hell, this video is better than some sex ed classes in the US. 

[Shadow007]

39 minutes ago, borkfork said:

 

So many politicians willing to climb over the bodies of dead women and transgender boogeymen to prove their righteousness. Physicians who don't take women's pain seriously. A lot of torsed ovaries get treated as kidney stones because "she's just being dramatic." 

 

Hell, this video is better than some sex ed classes in the US. 

...And, of course, their obsessive need for more of the almighty dollar...

[borkfork]

24 minutes ago, Shadow007 said:

...And, of course, their obsessive need for more of the almighty dollar...

Gun care and health control what?

[Lucy in the sky]

Sometimes I feel like I have so much love to give and feel so much love for so many people (friends, family, people I admire...), but it's not a speciffic love, like the romantic kind. :/ it's just that general feeling of being extra happy because you're so in love with the world! (And yet the next moment you remember that the world is in fact a pretty awful, greedy, and evil place, but that's a whole other philosophical story haha)

 

Its hard to describe it, but even though that feeling of love for everything good in the world makes me totally elated, it also makes me sad sometimes... it's just there, without really mattering and becaue it's in a spiritual rather than physical form I know that most people will never understand it...

What if I fall (romantically) in love with someone one day, but because I feel averse to expressing 'love' (if that even is love) physically, I won't be able to convince them that I love them unconditionally. :/

[Snao Cone]

3 hours ago, Lucy in the sky said:

it's just that general feeling of being extra happy because you're so in love with the world! (And yet the next moment you remember that the world is in fact a pretty awful, greedy, and evil place, but that's a whole other philosophical story haha)

I go through that too sometimes. I don't the happy moments very often, but when I do they're quickly punctuated by jadedness.

[Shadow007]

On 12/22/2017 at 8:34 AM, Lucy in the sky said:

Its hard to describe it, but even though that feeling of love for everything good in the world makes me totally elated, it also makes me sad sometimes... it's just there, without really mattering and because it's in a spiritual rather than physical form I know that most people will never understand it...

What if I fall (romantically) in love with someone one day, but because I feel averse to expressing 'love' (if that even is love) physically, I won't be able to convince them that I love them unconditionally. :/

Sometimes I wonder about that sort of thing myself. It's hard to express those kind of feelings at times, as the words, repeated so often to those close to me, wind up slowly losing their meaning over time. Have any of you guys felt robotic saying such things to family and friends, where you know you deeply appreciate them in your life, but wonder whether the words are even real anymore?

[daveb]

How about showing them with actions? It doesn't have to be sexual. Doing something special for them, or something that isn't necessarily special but is meaningful to them, for example. I feel like there can be lots of ways to show people you love them. (telling them you do doesn't hurt either; but maybe it would help to find additional ways to tell them, not just "I love you" constantly). Being thoughtful, caring, supportive also seem like good ways to show/tell someone you love them. I really like simple little gestures, too, like the person I know who would slip notes into their loved one's suitcase when they were going traveling. Just some ideas.  

[Snao Cone]

So, for Christmas, my mom got me basically a pirate puppet. (It's actually a driver cover, but I don't golf so it will serve the purpose of a decorative puppet.) After I opened this and got very excited about something to add to my collection of pirate knickknacks, apparently my mom asked my cousin if I might think this is pressure for me to get a boyfriend.

 

 

 

 

... ?

 

I'm still not sure why she asked that, aside from her tendency to say any thought, sensical or otherwise, that pops into her head for the sake of forcing conversation. I'm 34. She could've brought up the ticking clock years ago if she was concerned about it from a "Is my daughter normal?" standpoint. There is absolutely no sign from me that I am at all wanting a relationship, so I don't know where these thoughts are coming from aside from the boredom of her wandering her own mind.

[Skycaptain]

Apart from bad jokes about the Pirate of Men's Pants, I can't see any connection between a whimsical gift bought by mum for daughter and a relationship either 

[LeChat]

5 hours ago, Snao Cone said:

So, for Christmas, my mom got me basically a pirate puppet. (It's actually a driver cover, but I don't golf so it will serve the purpose of a decorative puppet.) After I opened this and got very excited about something to add to my collection of pirate knickknacks, apparently my mom asked my cousin if I might think this is pressure for me to get a boyfriend....

In other words, a bribe? I hope she was only joking and not being serious.

[Elftober Country]

9 hours ago, Snao Cone said:

So, for Christmas, my mom got me basically a pirate puppet. (It's actually a driver cover, but I don't golf so it will serve the purpose of a decorative puppet.) After I opened this and got very excited about something to add to my collection of pirate knickknacks, apparently my mom asked my cousin if I might think this is pressure for me to get a boyfriend.

 

 

 

 

... ?

 

 

1

I'd have said, “thanks, Mum, my girlfriend loves golf”

[Snao Cone]

Women older than me seem to call their female friends "girlfriends" as if it's an important distinction. I could adopt this to confuse her, but I also really hate it when people do that. So I won't.

[Elftober Country]

^^ I never understood why people do that...

[Snao Cone]

Maybe it's to stop that "OooOOOooOOooh, who's this 'friend' of yours" reaction.

[SaturnOOO]

43 minutes ago, Octo Claus said:

^^ I never understood why people do that...

Me neither! I swear there's latent heternormativity and sexism wrapped up in in though

[Tyke]

it's pretty much the same for single males. At least it is for this one. I try to get all the information out in one phrase, otherwise a statement such as 

 

"I'm meeting a friend"

 

just leads to more questions. My latest attempt is

 

I'm meeting a girl *pause* friend, when it's a girl. Or I'm meeting a pal, if it's a male. Even this last one doesn't always shut down questions, because pal/mate/chum, which all used to be words associated with male friends, are becoming non-gendered words

 

At my age, though, it's pretty much teasing. I feel for you youngsters still at the age where your life-choices might not be just so clear. 

[Snao Cone]

24 minutes ago, Midland Tyke said:

At my age, though, it's pretty much teasing. I feel for you youngsters still at the age where your life-choices might not be just so clear. 

I'm right at the age where all the people who will worry about my biological clock have become worried.

[LVG]

Everyone has given up on my biological clock, which is just fantastic. 

[Snao Cone]

I haven't received a lot of pressure to have kids because of medical conditions (and attitude problems ), so I think the biological is more about losing whatever looks I have. But I look better now than I did 10 years ago. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

[SaturnOOO]

I got "when you have your kids" casually thrown at me by my colleague this morning.

[Sea Lemon]

On 24/12/2017 at 3:00 AM, Shadow007 said:

Have any of you guys felt robotic saying such things to family and friends, where you know you deeply appreciate them in your life, but wonder whether the words are even real anymore?

Yep! I'm really bad at verbally expressing my feelings in a way that comes across as natural and sincere - I feel much more comfortable showing people I care about them (minus affectionate gestures - I find those even more difficult!) as opposed to telling them.