Snao Cone Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 The next time someone asks I'm going to say "Future Me time traveled into the past to tell me that if I had a kid, my kid was going to murder your kid, and it would cause the whole world to descend into chaos." 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gloomy Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 There have been times where I've been tempted to give some edgelord answer like "Because life is a curse and it's better for my spawn to never be born" when someone asked me why I don't have or want children. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 There are so many risks to having children, too. I've heard of several news stories where women have cut open the stomachs of pregnant women for their babies.. That's probably the least likely of all of the bad shit that could happen, though. My brother was telling me about how he saw a baby that was born with some sort of deformity and it was the most horrifying thing he has ever seen. That shocked me to hear because he has seen some very grisly things before. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Strawberry ice cream Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 3 hours ago, LVG said: For me, just the idea of having kids is a horror movie. It's a night mare Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Hermit Advocate Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 My father was a thief and now I'm a poor baker and my wife and I can't have a kid until we lift a curse by going on a crazy scavenger hunt for a witch; I don't know, it just seems like a lot of work and I don't know if I could raise a kid while running a business so I think I'll pass. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The Gnat (Natalie) Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 27 minutes ago, Hey you in the corner said: My father was a thief and now I'm a poor baker and my wife and I can't have a kid until we lift a curse by going on a crazy scavenger hunt for a witch; I don't know, it just seems like a lot of work and I don't know if I could raise a kid while running a business so I think I'll pass. girl, same 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Florenna Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 Why every time I open this thread it's full of people being nasty about having children, saying how horrible they think it is, etc.? It would be good to remember there are plenty of Ace women with children, too... (I'm one.) This seems like some exclusive club for child-haters, so a better thread title would seem to be "Asexuals who don't want to have children", not Asexual women"... 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Pamalla-Shay Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 I wouldn't mind having kids but I think I would f them up.. I don't want to do something wrong and I think I might Quote Link to post Share on other sites
butterflydreams Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 5 minutes ago, Florenna said: Why every time I open this thread it's full of people being nasty about having children, saying how horrible they think it is, etc.? It would be good to remember there are plenty of Ace women with children, too... (I'm one.) This seems like some exclusive club for child-haters, so a better thread title would seem to be "Asexuals who don't want to have children", not Asexual women"... This is a helpful reminder. Thank you. For what it’s worth, I’d love to have children of my own, but I can’t. I understand people are venting their own personal feelings, but definitely, you’re not the only one. It hurts a lot to see my friends having kids and knowing I can’t. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
RiseOfCourage Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 If I wasn't at sea for so long, I'd adopt kids. Adoption is a wonderful option. There are so many needy kids out there who need loving homes. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
borkfork Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 26 minutes ago, Florenna said: Why every time I open this thread it's full of people being nasty about having children, saying how horrible they think it is, etc.? It would be good to remember there are plenty of Ace women with children, too... (I'm one.) This seems like some exclusive club for child-haters, so a better thread title would seem to be "Asexuals who don't want to have children", not Asexual women"... There's a pretty big difference between not wanting any of your own and straight up hating children. At least a few of us are the cool weird aunt or looking forward to being one. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SaturnOOO Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 @Florenna what Bork said. And the fact that so many people make that jump is the basis of a lot of the frustration you might hear coming across from some of us. Many of our regulars do desire children; this is just a spot where those of us who don't can express that preference as a legitimate preference, which really isn't the case often for a woman in her 30s in day to day social life. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
borkfork Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 1 hour ago, RiseOfCourage said: If I wasn't at sea for so long, I'd adopt kids. Adoption is a wonderful option. There are so many needy kids out there who need loving homes. But your kids could grow up to be pirates! I mean, satellite internet. The adoption process can be crazy expensive and long. Where I live, someone might be better off moving to a different county to adopt a child, not factoring in cost. The fact it's so expensive though, like screw working class people who want a kid. I read the average is hovering somewhere around $40,000. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Strawberry ice cream Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 It's not about hateing children. BUT child free women are not fully accepted in society. They are treated like creepy, incomplete, wrong. Because normal woman WANTS children. If not she must be some monster or what. I don't hate children. I have nothing against people who decided to have them. I simple don't want to go through the whole process including child birth. To present this "child free status from choice" in public, I mean friends, family, work...is not easy. There is not much people who will understand and accept you as you are. One part of my family condemn me because I don't have any and I will never have. I consider AVEN as a place where I can talk about this openly. And I'm very happy that there are some other females who feel the same. During some period of my life I felt very bad because of not being able to fill up expections of society and family. Thanks to other females on AVEN with the same feelings I realised that I was not alone and I was not worse than woman who have children. It's always one's personal choice. Reading threads like this helped me a lot. Thanks to every woman who wrote openly about not wanting children. Also in some other threads. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
butterflydreams Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 1 hour ago, borkfork said: The adoption process can be crazy expensive and long. Where I live, someone might be better off moving to a different county to adopt a child, not factoring in cost. The fact it's so expensive though, like screw working class people who want a kid. I read the average is hovering somewhere around $40,000. Damn. I didn't need to hear that. I'm really hosed now 19 minutes ago, Strawberry ice cream said: It's not about hateing children. BUT child free women are not fully accepted in society. They are treated like creepy, incomplete, wrong. Because normal woman WANTS children. If not she must be some monster or what. I don't hate children. I have nothing against people who decided to have them. I simple don't want to go through the whole process including child birth. To present this "child free status from choice" in public, I mean friends, family, work...is not easy. There is not much people who will understand and accept you as you are. One part of my family condemn me because I don't have any and I will never have. I consider AVEN as a place where I can talk about this openly. And I'm very happy that there are some other females who feel the same. During some period of my life I felt very bad because of not being able to fill up expections of society and family. Thanks to other females on AVEN with the same feelings I realised that I was not alone and I was not worse than woman who have children. It's always one's personal choice. Reading threads like this helped me a lot. Thanks to every woman who wrote openly about not wanting children. Also in some other threads. I agree with all of this, and I'm glad we have a space where people can vent about not wanting kids. That said, sometimes it can feel a bit isolating especially for those of us who want kids but can't have them for whatever reason. Having children is a topic that rarely respects everyone involved. People who don't want kids feel put out if it comes up, and in the places where not having kids comes up strongly, people who do want kids feel put out. Nobody ever wins. I think the message though was that this is a thread for ace women, which has nothing to do with kids or no kids. I don't think anyone has said they outright hate kids either. I guess the best we can do is try to respect each other and that some ace women do want to have kids or already have them. If that makes sense. Because first and foremost, it should be a thread about ace women, and all types of women should be respected here. Not calling anyone out, just trying to come up with a way we can all look at this to better support each other. Ok, I'll stop now... 5 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
borkfork Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 7 hours ago, Hadley167 said: Damn. I didn't need to hear that. I'm really hosed now Awww. It's not over. There are adoption grants and loans available. At least a few exclusively for LGBT families, if there isn't one for just trans people there should be. The thing about counties is California being really really populated so LA and Orange are a mess. I know a lot of people are into apps like Stash and Acorns for money stuff. I don't want Hadley to be sad. I like Hadley. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Hermit Advocate Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 Being the weird aunt would be fun but my sister is starting to join me on the child-free bandwagon so who knows if I'll even be an aunt. Ah well, my friend does want kids so I guess that in a few years when she decides to have one I'll just spoil it then. Until then, kitties! 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Elftober Country Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 I’m currently being guilt tripped by my Mother for not wanting kids. I don’t know what she thinks she’s achieving by this. I’m not changing my mind. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
nods Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 8 hours ago, October Country said: I’m currently being guilt tripped by my Mother for not wanting kids. I don’t know what she thinks she’s achieving by this. I’m not changing my mind. For some reason all moms want their daughters to have grandchildren for them. My moms like super religious so she told me she prays that i’ll change my mind one day. that’ll never happen. so i understand 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
borkfork Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 I think my mother saw my lack of maternal instinct early. My parents are too busy to care. Technically I have a nephew, but my brother is human garbage (nice term) so I get to play aunt to my cousin's kids instead. I liked teaching kids to read one-on-one and that's about all I liked about teaching children. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
LVG Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 I'm lucky with my mom. She doesn't care if she has grandchildren. She also 100% respects my choice to remain child-free. She told me it's better to know you don't want kids then to have them and regret the decision. You can't just put them up for adoption like pets if things don't work out. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
artzcat Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 . 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SaturnOOO Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 My mum when I was explaining to her that I don't desire marriage/ partnership or kids: Pretty much typical her... She's a uniquely sweet lady 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Autumn Season Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 Neither my sister nor I are planning to have children and mom isn't happy about this. Thankfully I'm the younger sister, so there is less pressure. The older sister isn't living at home, so she doesn't get the icky questions too often neither. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Haze. Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 I'm ace, and my father is surprisingly okay with this (although he doesn't like labels, so I'm not allowed to call myself ace). My mom is the one that is not okay with it. And what's interesting is, I think she may be ace too, and that's why she doesn't get me. I am a sex-averse biromantic asexual. I believe that my mother is a sex-indifferent heteroromantic asexual. I have many years worth of reasoning. XD When my mother and I talked about sex, she always told me that it was something women do for their husbands. To make them happy. She has always told me that when I get married, I'll just do it. When I said it was gross, she just laughed at me and said, "Yeah, it is gross, but it's a part of life, and it helped make you." I said I was scared, and she said, when I was in a position to have a sexual relationship, she'd give me some tips to 'make it less scary.' She has never shown any interest in sex with my father to my knowledge (and I pride myself on reading their relationship well at most times). She has seemed to use it as a way of making amends, or just doing what she needs to do. While my father makes the sexual innuendo occasionally, my mother does not. And when she does mention sex around me, it's either indifferent or a little awkward. I have had several panic attacks during discussions with her when she has nonchalantly told me that I'll have to have sex one day with my partner. She seems very concerned about my fear of this, repeating that 'I'll grow out of it,' but looking as if she doesn't really believe what she's saying. One day I told her one of my friends was asexual. She didn't know what it was, so I described it to her simply as what I believed the definition was at the time by saying "it means she doesn't want to have sex with anyone." My mother then gave me a slightly amused/confused look and said "Wouldn't that make you asexual too?" I was relieved that she put it together and said "Yes, that would make me asexual." She then quickly looked kind of angry and said, "You're not asexual. Don't say that." I think that her position is very much affected by the way she was raised. She was objectified and sexualised by all kinds of boys and men as soon as she hit puberty, and from the way my grandfather acts, my grandparents' relationship was an example of what my mom believes to be the way things should be. The woman pleases the man, the man simply innately requires sex on a regular basis. There's nothing special about sex to her, it seems. It just seems like a duty to her. She's very romantic, but sex just doesn't seem like much to her at all. As a woman being raised in more open times, overall, I feel sorry for my mother... not that my parents' relationship is wrong or would be different, but my mom just seems to think that she has to use her body to provide things for him. So, yeah, it just feels like the way women have been represented in sexual relationships could definitely stand to change. And it could make lives such as my mom's and mine easier. (My parents still think that I am entirely heteroromantic. I am very good at acting hetero, and I'm not going to even attempt to get them to accept/ tell them about my biromantism. My mother's view is rooted in the way she was raised: homo is wrong (yet she doesn't seem to judge gay people much, she just thinks they need help). My father's view is that they can do what they want, but technically the Bible says it's wrong, so it's iffy... They'll likely never know.) 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tara_ Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 I would love children but the process of conceiving makes me nauseated I guess I could adopt but I'm really afraid of not being a good parent Quote Link to post Share on other sites
borkfork Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 I think all decent parents are worried about whether they'll be good parents. I've heard some interesting compare and contrast from people working for CPS. Poor families who go to the library twice a week, well-off who don't have any books for the kids to read. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Chihiro Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 I love kids, I enjoy hanging out with them. I would adopt some if I could commit to mom-child relationship. Being around kids full time it's exhausting! It's a full time job in itself. If I could rent and return them, I would 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SallyBlackwater Posted November 2, 2017 Share Posted November 2, 2017 I talked about asexuality with my mother recently, and I wonder if anyone has found themselves in the same situation. I think my mother might be asexual or demisexual (most likely the latter), and this was kind of confirmed by our discussion. I told her about my feelings, and that I thought I might be asexual... she told me that she felt the same, but she doesn't think I'm asexual, it's just that "women do not have sexual thoughts like men" and that most women have sex for love, so it's just a matter of "finding the right person". I have to be honest, I know that she said those things because of her education (Catholic upbringing in a small town), but I thought she was invalidating my feelings... I feel different from other women my age, so no, not all women have the same thoughts as me on the matter D: 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The Gnat (Natalie) Posted November 3, 2017 Share Posted November 3, 2017 5 hours ago, SallyBlackwater said: I talked about asexuality with my mother recently, and I wonder if anyone has found themselves in the same situation. I think my mother might be asexual or demisexual (most likely the latter), and this was kind of confirmed by our discussion. I told her about my feelings, and that I thought I might be asexual... she told me that she felt the same, but she doesn't think I'm asexual, it's just that "women do not have sexual thoughts like men" and that most women have sex for love, so it's just a matter of "finding the right person". I have to be honest, I know that she said those things because of her education (Catholic upbringing in a small town), but I thought she was invalidating my feelings... I feel different from other women my age, so no, not all women have the same thoughts as me on the matter D: My conversation with my mom about asexuality was pretty similar. I don't know if she's a-spec or not, but her attitude is basically like 'Okay, you're a straight girl who doesn't like sex that much. That's not a new thing.' And I'm fine with that. Like you said, it's a function of her upbringing/experiences that she's going to view it that way. I don't think she "gets" asexuality, but she's fine with it if that's how I want to describe myself, and we'll probably never talk about it again. It's kinda 'whatever' for me. I know I don't feel or think about sex in the way other people do, and if she doesn't necessarily see that, it's really not hurting me any. I understand what you mean about feeling invalidated because I felt a little rebuffed at first too, but I decided that whether my family sees me as asexual or as "a straight girl who will probably never have sex and maybe won't ever date either" just isn't a big issue for me. I'm still out here living my asexual life regardless of what words they do or don't think apply to me. *shrugs* Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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