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Randomchaos

Asexual Women

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MiniVegan

I'm curious - how many of you lovely ace women have had hormonal acne problems in your life? I started getting pretty bad chin acne (which is usually caused by hormones) when I was 19 or so, and it continued for over a decade. I went on birth control at 25 for mostly period reasons, and that sometimes helps this problem, but my chin acne raged on for a solid seven years after that. I wonder if the hormonal nature of this would've been affected at all by having sex.

My experience with acne has been that when I stop eating foods with added hormones (meat/dairy) my skin can be perfectly clear. As soon as I have a cheesy snack, I break out. Processed sugar affects me a little too, but nothing like animal products.

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borkfork

One of them suggested that I find a guy in the club and give him a blowjob just to 'ease into the idea'. We no longer speak.

No kidding. I'm constantly astounded by the things sexual people consider to be no big deal.

WTF. It's not a high five.

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storminateacup

~meta~

Am I allowed to be here?

Just poping into to say hadley, of course you are allowed to be here, hope you will stick around! *hugs* :cake::cake:

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Randomchaos

One of them suggested that I find a guy in the club and give him a blowjob just to 'ease into the idea'. We no longer speak.

No kidding. I'm constantly astounded by the things sexual people consider to be no big deal.

WTF. It's not a high five.

Seriously? Just seriously?! WTF that's just like wth are you thinking?! Most sexual people would actually think that was highly inappropriate even if they are sexually active. Plus the only guys who would be up for that are total assholes and not worth anyone's time. It's good that you no longer speak to that person those types of people tend to be bad for social, mental, and physical health. Sorry that you had to experience that :(

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Snao Cone

Yeah, guys say that to queer women too. They're usually, you know, 20-something dudebros who have not earned the title of Adult Human yet. However, that attitude can also be found in men who should be far, far more mature than that.

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butterflydreams

So I discovered something not so great about myself recently: I'm pretty vulnerable.

My self esteem is kicking around somewhere near zero, and it leaves me surprisingly wide open to some not so great stuff :( I traded self respect for someone saying that they liked me. I believed (believe?) that no one could possibly want me, or love me, in a real romantic sense. So I graciously accepted whatever I did get, even if it came with heavy price tags. I'm so upset with myself. I'm upset that I didn't stand up for myself. I'm upset that I let it continue. I know I shouldn't, but I really blame myself, and I don't know how to get over it :(

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borkfork

One of them suggested that I find a guy in the club and give him a blowjob just to 'ease into the idea'. We no longer speak.

No kidding. I'm constantly astounded by the things sexual people consider to be no big deal.

WTF. It's not a high five.

Seriously? Just seriously?! WTF that's just like wth are you thinking?! Most sexual people would actually think that was highly inappropriate even if they are sexually active. Plus the only guys who would be up for that are total assholes and not worth anyone's time. It's good that you no longer speak to that person those types of people tend to be bad for social, mental, and physical health. Sorry that you had to experience that :(

Illogical. What's in it for the woman? That's like trying to convince someone to like a food by making them feed it to someone else. Except way grosser.

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Snao Cone

So I discovered something not so great about myself recently: I'm pretty vulnerable.

My self esteem is kicking around somewhere near zero, and it leaves me surprisingly wide open to some not so great stuff :( I traded self respect for someone saying that they liked me. I believed (believe?) that no one could possibly want me, or love me, in a real romantic sense. So I graciously accepted whatever I did get, even if it came with heavy price tags. I'm so upset with myself. I'm upset that I didn't stand up for myself. I'm upset that I let it continue. I know I shouldn't, but I really blame myself, and I don't know how to get over it :(

A lot of people go through this. It's how a lot of abusive relationships start. The abuser sees the vulnerability of their partner as an opportunity to exercise control. It can happen so subtly and gradually that a lot of people get into these situations. A lot of people are blinded by how it feels to be suddenly admired and attended to, without foreseeing what that would turn into.

If your inner self is still yelling at you and blaming you for this, try to take a moment every now and then to think rationally about why none of that is true. Take a deep breath and say to yourself, calmly and objectively, that you are not at fault and you deserve to be treated well. And come here for this when you can't muster up the energy to do this for yourself. <3

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EnigmaticAnomaly

My dad won't accept how much sex-related talk gets to me, and I currently feel super uncomfortable... It's the whole reason I logged on for the first time in months... Ughhhh

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butterflydreams

My dad won't accept how much sex-related talk gets to me, and I currently feel super uncomfortable... It's the whole reason I logged on for the first time in months... Ughhhh

Yeah, when I explained I was asexual, my mom took that as carte blanche to start asking all kinds of personal questions. Including my personal favorite, "Why don't you go out with one of those guys who thinks he's a girl?"

Parents are tough. If it was a friend, or even a sibling, you could tell them to FO. Can't really say that to your parents. I'd like to believe that parents would always be really receptive to things their children explain distresses them, but my personal experience with my parents has been the complete opposite. Reveal a weakness, open season for picking on that weakness. "Dad, I really don't like carnival rides!" <gets put on all the carnival rides>

But hey, most parents can't be like my parents, maybe have an honest chat about what upsets you? I'd be very receptive if I had a child come to me about that kind of thing.

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Snao Cone

I'm sure if I formally told my parents I'm asexual, my mother would react in a way like "Oh, I just thought you were keeping all your partners a secret from me." Her initial reaction would be to make it about herself. My dad would possibly bite his tongue with "Well, you are what you are." They would both do this out of not really caring, but thinking they need to respond somehow. That's why I don't want to bother coming out in some formal way. I'll wait until a conversation steers there on its own.

Families (especially parents) can vary so much between different people. They're probably the hardest to find advice on how to deal with them for that reason. You'd like to think they just want the best for their children, but some of them seem to expect specific dividends from how they raised you - like they need you to have a certain kind of job, a certain kind of house, a certain kind of family, a certain kind of look. They may expect their kids to be just like them, or better versions of them, as if it's a disappointment that a parent is dirty-minded and a kid is not.

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Randomchaos

I don't really plan on coming out to my parents, they want me to succeed in life, and do what I want to do. But I really have no real clue what my parents would think, and that frightens me. So therefore I am in love with my closet. Until I can support myself and then whatever lifestyle I like will probably clue them in on the whole, "I'm not really interested in social norms" thing. I still wouldn't want to actually talk to them after they figure that out. I've kind of gotten tired of the whole "Praying makes everything better, and crime only happens because it's a sinful world, also if you are in the word you will be happy" shtick...

Sorry kinda ended up in a rant.

Hadley if I told my sibling to FO he'd go running to our parents lol.

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Galactic Turtle

My parents and I had our differences but they're trying... albeit rigidly... to get used to the prospect of me not changing... even though we're still working in me being sex/touch-indifferent instead of sex/touch-repulsed so a type of compromise can be reached. I know it's because they don't want me to be alone when I'm older and they want me to live the type of life they pictured for me but it hurts when they make comments that make it seem like because I'm this way I'm not a real woman. I'm just this thing with something wrong in my head and that's "unfortunate because" I'm "such a pretty girl with so much potential."

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Snao Cone

My parents and I had our differences but they're trying... albeit rigidly... to get used to the prospect of me not changing... even though we're still working in me being sex/touch-indifferent instead of sex/touch-repulsed so a type of compromise can be reached. I know it's because they don't want me to be alone when I'm older and they want me to live the type of life they pictured for me but it hurts when they make comments that make it seem like because I'm this way I'm not a real woman. I'm just this thing with something wrong in my head and that's "unfortunate because" I'm "such a pretty girl with so much potential."

I remember you talking about your parents and what they expected of you. I'm glad you're coming to somewhat of a compromise. I know that expectations you perceive from others, even if they don't or no longer explicitly say them, can really put a lot of stress on you. The voices implanted in our heads by real or perceived expectations and their real or perceived consequences are very hard to overcome. I hope you can tackle those well, and I hope we can help you here. :cake:

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Galactic Turtle

My parents and I had our differences but they're trying... albeit rigidly... to get used to the prospect of me not changing... even though we're still working in me being sex/touch-indifferent instead of sex/touch-repulsed so a type of compromise can be reached. I know it's because they don't want me to be alone when I'm older and they want me to live the type of life they pictured for me but it hurts when they make comments that make it seem like because I'm this way I'm not a real woman. I'm just this thing with something wrong in my head and that's "unfortunate because" I'm "such a pretty girl with so much potential."

I remember you talking about your parents and what they expected of you. I'm glad you're coming to somewhat of a compromise. I know that expectations you perceive from others, even if they don't or no longer explicitly say them, can really put a lot of stress on you. The voices implanted in our heads by real or perceived expectations and their real or perceived consequences are very hard to overcome. I hope you can tackle those well, and I hope we can help you here. :cake:

Thanks! I actually just moved in with a friend of mine who is... probably the most sexual person I know... but while I haven't said "asexual" out loud to anyone, I think she knows a bit about what's going on and what my views on things are a bit... and she's been telling me about her current and past relationships which seem to be a lot different than the ones in my family. It's refreshing! I can also support myself now too. Things are looking up now and I've stopped hurting myself for the most part. ^_^

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butterflydreams

I'm sure if I formally told my parents I'm asexual, my mother would react in a way like "Oh, I just thought you were keeping all your partners a secret from me." Her initial reaction would be to make it about herself. My dad would possibly bite his tongue with "Well, you are what you are." They would both do this out of not really caring, but thinking they need to respond somehow.

Holy shit, Snow, are we sisters? This is the exact dynamic my parents have, right down to my mom making things about her (transitioning is something I'm doing to her. I'm trying to impress her), and my dad remaining neutral to a fault so as to just not become involved. Sheesh. Nice to know it's not a unique experience though.

Families (especially parents) can vary so much between different people. They're probably the hardest to find advice on how to deal with them for that reason. You'd like to think they just want the best for their children, but some of them seem to expect specific dividends from how they raised you - like they need you to have a certain kind of job, a certain kind of house, a certain kind of family, a certain kind of look. They may expect their kids to be just like them, or better versions of them, as if it's a disappointment that a parent is dirty-minded and a kid is not.

This so so so much. My dad has a very specific number in his head regarding my earning potential and he simply won't be convinced away from it. You'd think being out there, in the job market, with a very detailed understanding of the field, I'd be the last word on what's a reasonable expectation and what isn't, but you'd be wrong.

I used to think I was lucky that my parents never really seemed to express any expectation that I'd get married or have kids. They weren't the kind of people who were just wishing to have grandkids like some parents, you know? But I'm really starting to think that they were just good at hiding it. And I think a lot of the animosity towards my transition comes from there. Theoretically, I was the pony to bet on. I'm the first born, smart, responsible from an early age, they probably thought I was a shoe in for grandkids.

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Snao Cone

My parents definitely had higher expectations on my sister (the oldest) for...well, pretty much everything. I certainly lucked out in that regard. As the third kid, they were much more hands-off because they were tired. My mom was back at work full time, and they could rely on my sister to look after me. I was also the sick kid and the fat kid, and I'm sure that factored into how they perceived my future romantic and family life to some degree. My sister has had greater expectations placed upon her, which led to my mother openly worrying about whether she'd still be able to physically have kids as she was getting into her 30s. Only relatives who don't know me well bring up questions about my romantic and/or family life or aspirations thereof. (That's probably because they think it's too rude to ask questions, and they may very well talk about me and my reproductive organs when I'm not around.)

I think part of the reason I'm stubborn/difficult when people ask me personal things or try to get to know me better is because it portrays the direction I intend to go down. This is also why I don't try to interact with older relatives very much, lest they try to set me up with someone else.

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butterflydreams

I was also the sick kid and the fat kid, and I'm sure that factored into how they perceived my future romantic and family life to some degree.

That is such BS :( To a different extent, I got something similar from my dad. I was am introverted, pretty shy, sensitive, odd, etc, and my dad put everything together, and declared to me, "Until you show me otherwise, I'm going to assume you're gay." So I never really got the chance to be assumed I'd live a normal life. I think those assumptions and perceptions themselves factor into how we see ourselves and how we grow.

My sister has had greater expectations placed upon her, which led to my mother openly worrying about whether she'd still be able to physically have kids as she was getting into her 30s.

Being the oldest is really tough. I even placed unfair expectations on myself. When I first came out to my younger brother, I apologized so much that I couldn't be a normal, cool older brother to him. I told him I was so sorry for being a freak, and setting such a failed example for him. But he accepted me, and our relationship has improved so much. I've even told him that I love being his big sister. It makes me so happy. Being a big sister? That I can do, and I can do it really well. Almost like I was born for it...what a concept!

That's probably because they think it's too rude to ask questions[...]

Isn't it though? I find that kind of thing incredibly rude.

I find it to be more rude when close friends or family ask about stuff, especially genitals. Other friends and acquaintances? Pfft...this is gonna be way more awkward for you than it is for me, here we go!

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Snao Cone

I get the impression that "So, is there a man in your life?" (or "Is there someone in your life?" as I haven't always been very femme and I wouldn't be surprised if anyone thought I might be gay) is a normal question for your aunt or first-cousin-once-removed (i.e. my parents' cousins) to ask. I don't like talking about work with them either, so it's not like I'm keeping the conversation full with other stuff.

I didn't even get asked about a partner at my high school reunion a couple months ago. It just wasn't a topic people seemed to go to, much to my surprise. I was very ready to give a "Fuck no" and talk about my spinster ambitions. I steer away from that at family gatherings, because if she overhears me speaking for myself my mother will come over and chime in to make me look more watered down than I am. <_< She doesn't want people to have strong opinions about me, I don't think.

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butterflydreams

I wish there was a good cheeky response for those kinds of, "so is there a _____ in your life?" questions.

To be honest though, I don't think many, if any, people have asked me stuff like that. Not immediate family, not distant relatives. It's almost as though they never really expected it of me. It's one of those things that makes me feel like others knew me better than I knew me.

Don't think for a minute I'm not grateful I don't get those kinds of questions. I've read about enough of it here. To anyone going through that, *hugs*. You don't deserve to be pressured like that, by anybody. You do you. Seriously. It breaks my heart to know people are pressured into this stuff by family and friends.

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Randomchaos

My favorite response for the "If you go to these meetings you might find someone" Is 'why would I want to I'm not lonely and I don't want a boyfriend....' The response from my mom was "After you move away you will be lonely and then you will want one." Argh it drives me nuts. Though it is my fault for not coming out. Maybe next time I should just say "then I'll get a cat"?

I hope that everything gets easier for all of you, and hope that your families except you for who you are without any of the head shaking or making it all about themselves :(

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Ace of Amethysts

I wish I could contribute to this interesting conversation.

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m4rble

My favorite response for the "If you go to these meetings you might find someone" Is 'why would I want to I'm not lonely and I don't want a boyfriend....' The response from my mom was "After you move away you will be lonely and then you will want one." Argh it drives me nuts. Though it is my fault for not coming out. Maybe next time I should just say "then I'll get a cat"?

I hope that everything gets easier for all of you, and hope that your families except you for who you are without any of the head shaking or making it all about themselves :(

Why is the only cure for loneliness dating? Do friendships count for nothing?

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Randomchaos

My favorite response for the "If you go to these meetings you might find someone" Is 'why would I want to I'm not lonely and I don't want a boyfriend....' The response from my mom was "After you move away you will be lonely and then you will want one." Argh it drives me nuts. Though it is my fault for not coming out. Maybe next time I should just say "then I'll get a cat"?

I hope that everything gets easier for all of you, and hope that your families except you for who you are without any of the head shaking or making it all about themselves :(

Why is the only cure for loneliness dating? Do friendships count for nothing?

I think they meant in the long term 24/7. Or feelings of intimacy. I agree friends are amazing, but at the same time they have their own lives so I guess that's where romantics and sexual's get the idea of "you need to date." or "you need a partner. As an asexual grey-aromantic I am okay without either of those things but I feel like some sexual's and romantics just don't get it some times. Just like aces don't get why sexual's desire sex.

Sorry that was long lol.

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butterflydreams

My favorite response for the "If you go to these meetings you might find someone" Is 'why would I want to I'm not lonely and I don't want a boyfriend....' The response from my mom was "After you move away you will be lonely and then you will want one." Argh it drives me nuts. Though it is my fault for not coming out. Maybe next time I should just say "then I'll get a cat"?

I hope that everything gets easier for all of you, and hope that your families except you for who you are without any of the head shaking or making it all about themselves :(

Why is the only cure for loneliness dating? Do friendships count for nothing?

In my (albeit jaded) experience, no, friendships do not count for as much. They are not worth as much, and when everything's totaled up, friendships lose every time. That's been my experience anyway. I've always formed deep friendships with people. To me, they matter a lot. A whole lot. But all the people I've been friends with see it differently. Sex trumps all.

It's made me feel so sure that people will just bail on me eventually that I hesitate to even reach out anymore.

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Punky1983

Hi all! I'm kinda new to this after looking into asexuality online. I honestly believe this may apply to me. I've had sexual relationships in the past but it's never really been a mindblower for me. I don't look at guys (or women) and think wow they're hot. I got married in August last year to a lovely man who I love and adore with all my heart but again I'm not attracted to him sexually which has caused a few problems. He has come to accept this now and tells me that sex is not everything but I feel terrible that I don't provide him with what he needs sexually. I feel that I'm not good enough as a wife. As I've explained to him it's not him that I'm not attracted to in that way it's everyone. Does that make me an awful person? Marrying someone that I can't have sex with? Please help this confused woman.

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Snao Cone

Hi Punky. :cake: Welcome to AVEN and the Asexual Women thread!

Many asexual people go with the flow on relationships with having sex because they're expected to, but never being thrilled or driven or feeling any personal need to. Even in relationships where there is a lot of love within the couple, to the point of marriage, the lack of desire for sex or sexual attraction to the spouse can only come up as a significant difference later on.

I'd suggest poking through the Asexual Relationships forum. You can also learn about the perspective and experiences of the sexual partners in Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies forum.

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Punky1983

Thanks Snow Cone I'll do that. It's so reassuring to know I'm not alone or a total freak for feeling this way. I've always thought there was just something wrong with me or that I was abnormal in some way.

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Ace of Amethysts

My favorite response for the "If you go to these meetings you might find someone" Is 'why would I want to I'm not lonely and I don't want a boyfriend....' The response from my mom was "After you move away you will be lonely and then you will want one." Argh it drives me nuts. Though it is my fault for not coming out. Maybe next time I should just say "then I'll get a cat"?

I hope that everything gets easier for all of you, and hope that your families except you for who you are without any of the head shaking or making it all about themselves :(

Why is the only cure for loneliness dating? Do friendships count for nothing?

According to the "The Thinking Aromantic", yes. According to me, I don`t think even romantics are like that. I mean sure, they may 'prioritize romance' but that doesn`t mean they`re incapable of friendship either.

Discuss.

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Randomchaos

Thanks Snow Cone I'll do that. It's so reassuring to know I'm not alone or a total freak for feeling this way. I've always thought there was just something wrong with me or that I was abnormal in some way.

I'm glad you found Aven. Maybe if he is open to it you could introduce him to Aven and he could use the sexual threads and things to understand completely what is going on? It's kind of like the asexual threads just for sexuals to talk about their relationships with aces.

Glad you found Aven and this thread :)

Welcome to Aven and thanks for posting here :)

My favorite response for the "If you go to these meetings you might find someone" Is 'why would I want to I'm not lonely and I don't want a boyfriend....' The response from my mom was "After you move away you will be lonely and then you will want one." Argh it drives me nuts. Though it is my fault for not coming out. Maybe next time I should just say "then I'll get a cat"?

I hope that everything gets easier for all of you, and hope that your families except you for who you are without any of the head shaking or making it all about themselves :(

Why is the only cure for loneliness dating? Do friendships count for nothing?

According to the "The Thinking Aromantic", yes. According to me, I don`t think even romantics are like that. I mean sure, they may 'prioritize romance' but that doesn`t mean they`re incapable of friendship either.

Discuss.

Yeah, but at the same time I have been in the position where one of my friends was going to get married and move away, and that's what I mean when I say that they have their own lives. It's not that they are incapable of keeping in touch it's just that they get busy starting their own lives. Ended up that she didn't get married :( I was sad and glad for her at the same time, but I realized during the planning process of the wedding that she would be busier then before trying to start her family. So I think that's what my parents were talking about when they said I would be lonely. And as I said before they don't know I'm ace grey-aro so they don't understand why I'm not looking for someone.

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