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Randomchaos

Asexual Women

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KanoEvey

Things that irritate me as an ace woman usually fall under three main categories: kids, relationships, and being sexualized.

My little sister had a baby less than a year ago. We found out about the pregnancy in February 2015, and from the moment my Dad and his fiancee found out, they've been baby-crazed. My nephew is the first grandchild either of them have, so they are, of course, super excited, which is totally fine! But at one of the baby showers, my dad's fiancee was going on about how when she was a little girl, she always wanted to be a mom, just like her mom. Then she looked at me, all expectantly and waiting for me to say the same thing, and I replied "I've never wanted to be a mother; I wanted to be an archaeologist when I was a kid." But that didn't clue her in, and while we were at the hospital after my nephew was born, not 18 hours later, she turned to my older sister and I and asked "when's the little guy going to get some cousins?"

It's just gross that I'm expected to become a mother, like that is my one calling in life. Never mind my career or hobbies or whatever, motherhood is the key to being a fulfilled woman. Like, I was hanging out with my uncle this past weekend, and we somehow got on the topic of having kids, and I told him pregnancy skeeves me out. He looked shocked that I would admit that to him. I haven't told him I'm ace, but for any woman to not be on board with pregnancy surprised him.

The relationship thing used to bother me a lot more back before I knew I was ace. My parents would ask if I had my eye on a boy, and I would always reply "no." They stopped asking after a while, which makes me laugh now, but at the time, I felt like they had given up and that I had disappointed them in some way because I wasn't interested in dating. But thankfully my family knows that I'm not interested and, hence, laid off of that question years before I came out as ace to (most) of them. Nowadays, those relationship questions come from strangers. There was a security guard at the place I used to work at, and he asked me if I had a boyfriend, in which I said no (in hindsight, I wish I had said YES), because he then proceeded to hit on me every time I saw him. Him being like 50 years older than me made it extra gross.

As for being sexualized, it's unfortunately a common thing in modern society, but that doesn't mean I like it. I hate the feeling of a man's eyes following me when I walk by. I HATE being stared at like a hunk of meat. I thankfully rarely get catcalled (thank goodness for a resting bitch face), so I don't have to deal with verbal abuse and sexual harassment aimed at women, but walking by someone and knowing they've turned around to look at my ass pisses me off.

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Momobyon26

My rant has to deal with people invalidating my experiences as an ace woman because of my age. I don't consider 26 (27 this November) to be all that young and yet I find there is this group of people that continuously will try and tell me I'm wrong in how I feel because I'm 'young.' As though magically when I hit 30+ or 40+ I'll realize the error of my ways and then thrust my legs open to receive all of the pene's in the world. I just don't understand that logic. I don't even bother telling people that I'm a romantic ace because I find most people can't even differentiate between romantic attraction and sexual attraction. I'm cool with not being a mom, not being in a relationship, not having a husband, not doing the conventional thing because frankly, its pretty boring to me. I love the dreams I have now and none of them involve men, relationships, sex, or kids and I'm perfectly happy with that.

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deltaX

When people older than me get told that they're too young to be ace, it really confused me. I'm 21, and although some people might consider that young, I'm old enough to be super confident in my orientation. Maybe if I was a teen, then fine, but I don't know anyone my age who is still confused about their orientation. Why are ace people the only ones accused of not knowing who they are?

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Randomchaos

When people older than me get told that they're too young to be ace, it really confused me. I'm 21, and although some people might consider that young, I'm old enough to be super confident in my orientation. Maybe if I was a teen, then fine, but I don't know anyone my age who is still confused about their orientation. Why are ace people the only ones accused of not knowing who they are?

I think it stems from the idea of not being interested in sex. For some sexual people it's an alien concept (not saying all sexual people are like this). I'm also 21 and I've had friends either completely ignore the fact that I'm ace and grey-aro and talk about how I'm going to find a relationship. Or they start talking about how they were like me and thought they didn't need a relationship or sex until they found "the one" and that I should just wait.

But I really do think it's because they truly can't understand someone not needing to have sex or a relationship built around sex.

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Randomchaos

As for being sexualized, it's unfortunately a common thing in modern society, but that doesn't mean I like it. I hate the feeling of a man's eyes following me when I walk by. I HATE being stared at like a hunk of meat. I thankfully rarely get catcalled (thank goodness for a resting bitch face), so I don't have to deal with verbal abuse and sexual harassment aimed at women, but walking by someone and knowing they've turned around to look at my ass pisses me off.

I've been catcalled since I was 14, I don't understand why some men think this is okay. It's disrespectful even if the woman is sexual, also you don't know the age of the person you're catcalling..... I hate feeling like I have to tell someone I'm talking to that my face is not on my chest. The hunk of meat analogy is actually really good, I've never thought of it that way, I have always just worked on ignoring those people that don't even see me. Partially why I quit VB I was tired of all the guys coming to watch just because they wanted to see the girls in spandex.......

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Neurula

So a coworker randomly asked "don't you want a man?" out of the blue? That seems kind of odd

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Randomchaos

So a coworker randomly asked "don't you want a man?" out of the blue? That seems kind of odd

It really was lol, it wasn't totally creepy but it was rather uncomfortable. It's something I've had to deal with after I told some of my co-workers after the asked if I was going out with someone that I just wasn't interested in dating and having a relationship. I've always been rather straight forward if someone asks me a question so I have to say I brought it on myself. Now the problem is he will just randomly bring the subject up on occasion......

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Nylocke

So a coworker randomly asked "don't you want a man?" out of the blue? That seems kind of odd

I would have made them feel like a moron by asking them "why do you care?" ... Of course they probably would have came up behind me to stab me on the way out. Surely my use of words has no problems making enemies for me.

Things that irritate me as an ace woman usually fall under three main categories: kids, relationships, and being sexualized.

My little sister had a baby less than a year ago. We found out about the pregnancy in February 2015, and from the moment my Dad and his fiancee found out, they've been baby-crazed. My nephew is the first grandchild either of them have, so they are, of course, super excited, which is totally fine! But at one of the baby showers, my dad's fiancee was going on about how when she was a little girl, she always wanted to be a mom, just like her mom. Then she looked at me, all expectantly and waiting for me to say the same thing, and I replied "I've never wanted to be a mother; I wanted to be an archaeologist when I was a kid." But that didn't clue her in, and while we were at the hospital after my nephew was born, not 18 hours later, she turned to my older sister and I and asked "when's the little guy going to get some cousins?"

It's just gross that I'm expected to become a mother, like that is my one calling in life. Never mind my career or hobbies or whatever, motherhood is the key to being a fulfilled woman. Like, I was hanging out with my uncle this past weekend, and we somehow got on the topic of having kids, and I told him pregnancy skeeves me out. He looked shocked that I would admit that to him. I haven't told him I'm ace, but for any woman to not be on board with pregnancy surprised him.

The relationship thing used to bother me a lot more back before I knew I was ace. My parents would ask if I had my eye on a boy, and I would always reply "no." They stopped asking after a while, which makes me laugh now, but at the time, I felt like they had given up and that I had disappointed them in some way because I wasn't interested in dating. But thankfully my family knows that I'm not interested and, hence, laid off of that question years before I came out as ace to (most) of them. Nowadays, those relationship questions come from strangers. There was a security guard at the place I used to work at, and he asked me if I had a boyfriend, in which I said no (in hindsight, I wish I had said YES), because he then proceeded to hit on me every time I saw him. Him being like 50 years older than me made it extra gross.

As for being sexualized, it's unfortunately a common thing in modern society, but that doesn't mean I like it. I hate the feeling of a man's eyes following me when I walk by. I HATE being stared at like a hunk of meat. I thankfully rarely get catcalled (thank goodness for a resting bitch face), so I don't have to deal with verbal abuse and sexual harassment aimed at women, but walking by someone and knowing they've turned around to look at my ass pisses me off.

My family is good for pushing that cishet crap on me all the time. They make me feel like my whole worth in life is based around being a mother ... Even if its not to actually produce kids they force feed me the idea of adoption which I continuously tell them increases my hatred of humanity. Why am I going to take on someone else's problem that they made??? If you make a kid because you and some dude were clicking boots that night then you need put forth that effort and raise it. They even stur up further resentment from me to my niece who just had a baby out of wedlock, by a dead beat man, by suggesting that I should raise the child while she goes to school ... She won't because her mind is weak because she is too driven by the genitals.

Also here's another good one. My mom always told my brother to avoid dating women with children. I happen to talk to this one dude who has a kid only on a friendship basis because anime fan/gamers are generally hard to come by once you pass age 21. Its almost like my mom and my brother are pushing this on me and it causes resentment towards the dude who didn't even do anything to me. I already told him I wasn't interested in dating nor was I emotionally capable of playing pseudo parent. I told my folks the same thing and my brother had the audacity to say to me that "god isn't going to bless me because my heart is too cold" ... Always playing the Christianity card I tell ya x-x I swear I can't even deal with the majority of Christians half the time, either you gotta be a nerd to hang with me or its a no go, true facts !!

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m4rble

My family is good for pushing that cishet crap on me all the time. They make me feel like my whole worth in life is based around being a mother ... Even if its not to actually produce kids they force feed me the idea of adoption which I continuously tell them increases my hatred of humanity. Why am I going to take on someone else's problem that they made??? If you make a kid because you and some dude were clicking boots that night then you need put forth that effort and raise it.

How about we allow people who don't want to raise children(and therefore probably make shitty parents for one reason or another) to give up children for adoption. Of course, no one should be forced to adopt kids, but a lot of people actually really want to adopt kids.

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songchick

I really don't get why some people can't seem to understand asexuals even though almost everyone is asexual as a child.

People don't expect children to want sexual relationships, and (rightly, I think) they don't consider children to be asexual. They are simply pre-pubertal.
Yeah, but you'd think they would remember what it was like and not be so confused. I guess it has more to do with people being surprised by breaking norms than it has to do with being genuinely unable to imagine it.

Sometimes, asexuals are painted as "immature" BECAUSE we don't have sex... like children. Just an idea.

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Snao Cone

I do feel like that's a part of why I'm still treated like a child - or at least like less adulty of an adult - than other people in my family my age. I don't have something to bring to events to show my work - not a partner and not a child. I can't take my mortgage with me to prove that I've made grownup (i.e. irreversible) decisions :P

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m4rble

I really don't get why some people can't seem to understand asexuals even though almost everyone is asexual as a child.

People don't expect children to want sexual relationships, and (rightly, I think) they don't consider children to be asexual. They are simply pre-pubertal.
Yeah, but you'd think they would remember what it was like and not be so confused. I guess it has more to do with people being surprised by breaking norms than it has to do with being genuinely unable to imagine it.

Sometimes, asexuals are painted as "immature" BECAUSE we don't have sex... like children. Just an idea.

Yeah, I know. That's one of the reasons I was hesitant to post that. I don't like being thought of as immature, but the way I see it, a lot of child-like qualities aren't bad qualities to have, only immaturity and irresponsibility. In highschool I always felt more immature than people who were more into sex. In college, I new I was already past puberty and I'm just different.

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Autumn Season

Hm, what if mom is paying so much attention to my looks because I came out to her as asexual? Or maybe appearance is simply important to her and since I'm her child she takes it personally.

More and more of my friends are starting a family nowadays, which is totally fine with me. I'm honestly happy for them. Since I don't want to hurt any parent's feelings, I try not to say that I find pregnancy disgusting and children... well, they're OK. But that's about it.

Recently I was in a group of non-(about to be)-parents, so I dared to say out loud how I view pregnancy. One agreed a little, the other completely disagreed and one jokingly threatened to tell my future children how I never wanted to have them. *grumpy face* I wished it was easier to talk about living a non-traditional life.

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m4rble

Hm, what if mom is paying so much attention to my looks because I came out to her as asexual? Or maybe appearance is simply important to her and since I'm her child she takes it personally.

More and more of my friends are starting a family nowadays, which is totally fine with me. I'm honestly happy for them. Since I don't want to hurt any parent's feelings, I try not to say that I find pregnancy disgusting and children... well, they're OK. But that's about it.

Recently I was in a group of non-(about to be)-parents, so I dared to say out loud how I view pregnancy. One agreed a little, the other completely disagreed and one jokingly threatened to tell my future children how I never wanted to have them. *grumpy face* I wished it was easier to talk about living a non-traditional life.

When I was in middle school I remember overhearing a conversation middle school girls were having about the pain of childbirth. Some of them were saying things like, "It's selfish to not have children just because of the pain," I feel this attitude is unhealthy, it's not anyone's responsibility to get pregnant or give birth ffs. Just chill.

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indigorose

The obsession with sex is sick for me. It makes me physically ill to see guys posting pictures of almost-naked women with exaggerated proportions (I know some women are actually shaped in the "perfect" huge tits and ass with tiny waste way, though) and drooling all over them in the description and comments. And for not so ace-related reasons, it actually really pisses me off that people will post these types of pictures and worship them and other "ideal" ladies like it's embracing real women. It's not. It's just fetishizing a different type of body than the pale, thin one of older days. Do not want.

I hate this too. I think unfortunately for me it has put a bad taste in my mouth for men in general, which is not fair. I think part of the reason I have no desire for sex, is that the sexulisation of women by men has made me hate the idea of sex. I can't grasp that sex is more than just idolizing of a body. I of course know this is not the case, for a lot of men, that sex is about love and intimacy, but I really have hangups about how a lot of men treat women. I unfortunately, have just come into contact with a lot of contact with men, that just don't respect women enough, putting a bad taste in my mouth. But this is not men's fault in general, it really is about me disarming some beliefs I have about men.

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borkfork

I recently had a 3 month contract and like most of those jobs I didn't talk too much about myself. They weren't industry people so I didn't care to network all that much. The majority of the staff talked about their spouses and children non-stop. Almost none of my good stories are PC office environment friendly anyway. I ended up talking to the one single guy so because every fifth word out of my mouth wasn't boyfriend, I totally wanted in his pants. Nevermind I thought he was an idiot. He just didn't annoy me by talking at me about his children non-stop. So I'm glad to not be going back there.

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starry-night-sky

I feel left behind and left out sometimes. Everything seems to be about sex and love, everyone seems to think you're "incomplete" if you don't at least desire a relationship. Sometimes I get so angry because I don't want to feel like there's something wrong with me. ALL of my friends have been in love at least once and I'm here unable to develop strong feelings for anyone.

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Graceful

When people older than me get told that they're too young to be ace, it really confused me. I'm 21, and although some people might consider that young, I'm old enough to be super confident in my orientation. Maybe if I was a teen, then fine, but I don't know anyone my age who is still confused about their orientation. Why are ace people the only ones accused of not knowing who they are?

I guess you could pull the age old question of "When did you know you were heterosexual?"

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Snao Cone

I'm curious - how many of you lovely ace women have had hormonal acne problems in your life? I started getting pretty bad chin acne (which is usually caused by hormones) when I was 19 or so, and it continued for over a decade. I went on birth control at 25 for mostly period reasons, and that sometimes helps this problem, but my chin acne raged on for a solid seven years after that. I wonder if the hormonal nature of this would've been affected at all by having sex.

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m4rble

I'm curious - how many of you lovely ace women have had hormonal acne problems in your life? I started getting pretty bad chin acne (which is usually caused by hormones) when I was 19 or so, and it continued for over a decade. I went on birth control at 25 for mostly period reasons, and that sometimes helps this problem, but my chin acne raged on for a solid seven years after that. I wonder if the hormonal nature of this would've been affected at all by having sex.

I've had moderate levels of acne ever since I was around ten or eleven, it comes and goes. I've seen people with much worse acne though. I don't think it has anything to do with sexuality, a lot of people get acne.

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Autumn Season

I'm curious - how many of you lovely ace women have had hormonal acne problems in your life? I started getting pretty bad chin acne (which is usually caused by hormones) when I was 19 or so, and it continued for over a decade. I went on birth control at 25 for mostly period reasons, and that sometimes helps this problem, but my chin acne raged on for a solid seven years after that. I wonder if the hormonal nature of this would've been affected at all by having sex.

I'm 26 soon and I still have skin problems.

Mom said that having sex and giving birth generally helps against this. But she never explained why.

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Nylocke

My family is good for pushing that cishet crap on me all the time. They make me feel like my whole worth in life is based around being a mother ... Even if its not to actually produce kids they force feed me the idea of adoption which I continuously tell them increases my hatred of humanity. Why am I going to take on someone else's problem that they made??? If you make a kid because you and some dude were clicking boots that night then you need put forth that effort and raise it.

How about we allow people who don't want to raise children(and therefore probably make shitty parents for one reason or another) to give up children for adoption. Of course, no one should be forced to adopt kids, but a lot of people actually really want to adopt kids.

I've made it clear to them many of times that I legit do not have the emotional capacity to deal with children ... At least I acknowledge my lack of emotional capacity. Most people stupidity make children KNOWING they don't have the emotional capacity to care for them.

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Zash

I'm curious - how many of you lovely ace women have had hormonal acne problems in your life? I started getting pretty bad chin acne (which is usually caused by hormones) when I was 19 or so, and it continued for over a decade. I went on birth control at 25 for mostly period reasons, and that sometimes helps this problem, but my chin acne raged on for a solid seven years after that. I wonder if the hormonal nature of this would've been affected at all by having sex.

I'm 26 soon and I still have skin problems.

Mom said that having sex and giving birth generally helps against this. But she never explained why.

Maybe because you are so busy looking after a kid, you have bigger things to worry about?

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Autumn Season

I'm curious - how many of you lovely ace women have had hormonal acne problems in your life? I started getting pretty bad chin acne (which is usually caused by hormones) when I was 19 or so, and it continued for over a decade. I went on birth control at 25 for mostly period reasons, and that sometimes helps this problem, but my chin acne raged on for a solid seven years after that. I wonder if the hormonal nature of this would've been affected at all by having sex.

I'm 26 soon and I still have skin problems.

Mom said that having sex and giving birth generally helps against this. But she never explained why.

Maybe because you are so busy looking after a kid, you have bigger things to worry about?

I don't think so. But it's an amusing way to think about it. :)

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Snao Cone

If I had to look after a kid my skin would be worse from stress and neglect. :P I'd imagine it has more to do with hormonal changes.

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borkfork

I'm curious - how many of you lovely ace women have had hormonal acne problems in your life? I started getting pretty bad chin acne (which is usually caused by hormones) when I was 19 or so, and it continued for over a decade. I went on birth control at 25 for mostly period reasons, and that sometimes helps this problem, but my chin acne raged on for a solid seven years after that. I wonder if the hormonal nature of this would've been affected at all by having sex.

Going on BC definitely helped, plus no more cramps. I can't say I see any kind of pattern between sexual activity and acne among my female friends. I get the "hey, it's almost time for your period, here's some pimples!"

My family is good for pushing that cishet crap on me all the time. They make me feel like my whole worth in life is based around being a mother ... Even if its not to actually produce kids they force feed me the idea of adoption which I continuously tell them increases my hatred of humanity. Why am I going to take on someone else's problem that they made??? If you make a kid because you and some dude were clicking boots that night then you need put forth that effort and raise it.

How about we allow people who don't want to raise children(and therefore probably make shitty parents for one reason or another) to give up children for adoption. Of course, no one should be forced to adopt kids, but a lot of people actually really want to adopt kids.

I've made it clear to them many of times that I legit do not have the emotional capacity to deal with children ... At least I acknowledge my lack of emotional capacity. Most people stupidity make children KNOWING they don't have the emotional capacity to care for them.

It's way better to know that about yourself than be another parent raising an unwanted child. Kids pick up on that vibe that they weren't really wanted, and it makes for some really screwed up adults sometimes.

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AcePirate

I was asked out on a date by this guy I know from the library, which is also where I work. Now, along with being asexual I am grey romantic so I don't really have any interest in dating. I also get really nervous speaking about these things, so I just sort of nodded. Later on, I texted him and admitted I had no interest in dating and I would love to hang out as friends anyways. He denied and I haven't heard from him since. My mom is mad because I canceled the date without "giving him a chance", although she isn't aware of my romantic orientation.

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m4rble

I was asked out on a date by this guy I know from the library, which is also where I work. Now, along with being asexual I am grey romantic so I don't really have any interest in dating. I also get really nervous speaking about these things, so I just sort of nodded. Later on, I texted him and admitted I had no interest in dating and I would love to hang out as friends anyways. He denied and I haven't heard from him since. My mom is mad because I canceled the date without "giving him a chance", although she isn't aware of my romantic orientation.

That's not really your Mom's business.

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scarlett45

I was asked out on a date by this guy I know from the library, which is also where I work. Now, along with being asexual I am grey romantic so I don't really have any interest in dating. I also get really nervous speaking about these things, so I just sort of nodded. Later on, I texted him and admitted I had no interest in dating and I would love to hang out as friends anyways. He denied and I haven't heard from him since. My mom is mad because I canceled the date without "giving him a chance", although she isn't aware of my romantic orientation.

Well I commend you for being up front with him before hand regarding what you really wanted out of the interaction.

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Nylocke

I'm curious - how many of you lovely ace women have had hormonal acne problems in your life? I started getting pretty bad chin acne (which is usually caused by hormones) when I was 19 or so, and it continued for over a decade. I went on birth control at 25 for mostly period reasons, and that sometimes helps this problem, but my chin acne raged on for a solid seven years after that. I wonder if the hormonal nature of this would've been affected at all by having sex.

Going on BC definitely helped, plus no more cramps. I can't say I see any kind of pattern between sexual activity and acne among my female friends. I get the "hey, it's almost time for your period, here's some pimples!"

My family is good for pushing that cishet crap on me all the time. They make me feel like my whole worth in life is based around being a mother ... Even if its not to actually produce kids they force feed me the idea of adoption which I continuously tell them increases my hatred of humanity. Why am I going to take on someone else's problem that they made??? If you make a kid because you and some dude were clicking boots that night then you need put forth that effort and raise it.

How about we allow people who don't want to raise children(and therefore probably make shitty parents for one reason or another) to give up children for adoption. Of course, no one should be forced to adopt kids, but a lot of people actually really want to adopt kids.

I've made it clear to them many of times that I legit do not have the emotional capacity to deal with children ... At least I acknowledge my lack of emotional capacity. Most people stupidity make children KNOWING they don't have the emotional capacity to care for them.

It's way better to know that about yourself than be another parent raising an unwanted child. Kids pick up on that vibe that they weren't really wanted, and it makes for some really screwed up adults sometimes.

Many christian folks make a huge deal about children being a blessing under all circumstances. In my case children would be a mistake on every single level.

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