Asexual Women Musings

[SaturnOOO]

1 hour ago, Vicky Angel said:

I find it absolutely impossible to date, as an asexual demiromantic woman who has chronic health conditions and food allergies.  It's like there is  sign on my head telling guys to run the other way.  How do you do it?

Just curious: are you actually asking for tips or are you wondering how anyone does it because you can't imagine it? Do you wish you could date? What is your experience/definition of "demiromanticism?" Like do you want to meet people that you could then potentially feel romantic towards? Sorry for all the questions; your post made me genuinely curious. 

 

To answer(?) your question, I personally don't date. I've never in my life had any interest in doing so, and the few times I've attempted to give it a whirl and see what all the fuss was about, I've only reaffirmed my complete lack of interest. 

[Vicky Angel]

Well like I am interested in dating, it just seems like no one is interested in me.  

[KittyKat8888]

I completely understand that. I have been trying to find people to date, but Have not found one interested in me.

[butterflydreams]

17 hours ago, KittyKat8888 said:

I completely understand that. I have been trying to find people to date, but Have not found one interested in me.

In this club also. It's pretty frustrating after a while, for sure. But at least we have each other?

[SaturnOOO]

20 hours ago, Vicky Angel said:

Well like I am interested in dating, it just seems like no one is interested in me.  

 

20 hours ago, KittyKat8888 said:

I completely understand that. I have been trying to find people to date, but Have not found one interested in me.

 

2 hours ago, Hadley167 said:

In this club also. It's pretty frustrating after a while, for sure. But at least we have each other?

I have no doubts that you are all more than dateable <3.

 

I am curious, though, since my own romantic orientation is somewhat nebulous... as a demiromantic you still feel the desire to date? To me I guess I would see dating as a definitively romantic endeavour. Do you enjoy dating as a way to meet people in a platonic way in hopes that one will end up getting close enough to you for you to feel romantically towards them? I can sort of see why that would be a challenge, if so. I'm thinking probably most people would enter the dating scene with certain romantic inclinations, and if the other person isn't mirroring that back to them, they might look elsewhere.

[KittyKat8888]

48 minutes ago, SaturnOOO said:

 

 

I have no doubts that you are all more than dateable <3.

 

I am curious, though, since my own romantic orientation is somewhat nebulous... as a demiromantic you still feel the desire to date? To me I guess I would see dating as a definitively romantic endeavour. Do you enjoy dating as a way to meet people in a platonic way in hopes that one will end up getting close enough to you for you to feel romantically towards them? I can sort of see why that would be a challenge, if so. I'm thinking probably most people would enter the dating scene with certain romantic inclinations, and if the other person isn't mirroring that back to them, they might look elsewhere.

Yeah, I would have to agree a little bit with you on that, however, my main issue is that... I haven't found anyone willing enough to actually go on a date with me, it's one thing if I find a date and it turns out they are not interested, but i can't get a date to start off with. 

[biancaboricua13]

I can understand this, which is why I've given up. The stages are that they realize that my disabilities and ailments (due to injuries) won't go away and then they find out I'm asexual and not willing to have more children (also not able to have more due to aforementioned injuries). I have accepted my role as the perpetual mama bear for everyone else and future dog lady. However, if you desire to date, I would say not to give up on it and look in circles where there are more open minded individuals.

[m4rble]

On 12/22/2016 at 9:32 PM, Vicky Angel said:

I find it absolutely impossible to date, as an asexual demiromantic woman who has chronic health conditions and food allergies.  It's like there is  sign on my head telling guys to run the other way.  How do you do it?

Are food allergies really an obstacle in your dating life?

[Vicky Angel]

Just now, m4rble said:

Are food allergies really an obstacle in your dating life?

Yep

[Chronometry]

On 7/13/2016 at 1:00 AM, Quoth The Raven said:

I get annoyed when people like my parents for instance, occasionally suggest to others that I'll get married or have kids one day. Because I always pop right in and tell the person that I'm not and that the only thing they're going to get is grandkittens, if that. And yet the person always acts like I'm joking. Why do they all think I'm joking and going to change my mind eventually?

I used to never think I'd get a boyfriend either, so I suppose in one way that may be a reason why, but still. That and no one in my family knows I'm ace because I don't know how they'd react about it. And they don't 'get' anything in the LGBT+ spectrum. Though I don't think they even know ace is a thing, which makes it a little worse.

Yeah same problem here. Everytime I bring it up not wanting sex I get the "you haven't met the right person" crap. Any discussion on me not wanting babies is followed shortly by the "I was the same at your age. You'll change your mind when you're older" nonsense. They don't understand. 

I'm sorry you don't feel you can talk to them or tell them about yourself. I've tried and gotten nowhere with my parents, so maybe there is some justified fear there, but my sister tries to understand. She even Googled on my behalf and everything and let me tell you there is nothing more humbling than having to Google something after someone tried to explain it to you. 

 

[Willow25]

I only recently found out the term 'asexual' and felt I identified myself with it. I'm 25 years old and a virgin, obv. I don't think I'll ever feel the need to go for marriage or kids. In that way, I don't consider myself 'traditional', that's what I keep telling my parents. My parents divorced when I was 8 and it was because my dad had secretly gotten married twice and had kids elsewhere for the entire lifespan of their marriage which was almost 18 years, give or take. So, that kind of put me off the idea of marriage or relationships because now I have trust issues with men. The religion(islam) and the social/cultural influence expects girls to avoid affairs/dating/sex before marriage although many people do it anyway. But I am not into that. Then again, when my mum remarried, my stepdad and mum still have tiffs. My stepdad is a great person but can get a bit bossy & dominating whereas both mum and me enjoy our freedom and doing things on our own. So, seeing their relationship has also kind of made me swear off boys/men. 

Another issue (even though I don't consider it as a big problem) is my quiet and somewhat introverted personality. So, I don't go out of my way to make friends with anyone, not even boyfriends. I am attracted to men, have had crushes but never a boyfriend. There were one/two subtle indications of interest from the other side but I ignored or never reacted positively. My aunts and stepdad keep on coaxing me or teasing me and even counselling me, saying it gets lonely living all alone or it's not possible being alone all your life. But I don't know.

Recently, the process of sex has started seeming kind of disgusting and when I do feel a bit kinky/horny at times, I'd look up 'sexy' movie to watch but would stop 10/20 mins into it because I feel awful, same with masturbating..

If I ever decide to get married or have a relationship, I doubt I can find someone similar minded..but I'm just happy at the moment free from all the drama that comes with relationships and the responsibilities/duties from a marriage.

[Spiritus55]

I sometimes wonder how my life would have been different if I had figure out my ace-ness decades ago. I never even knew it existed until about 3 weeks ago. I just thought there was something wrong with me or that I was selfish for not wanting to have sex with whatever man I was with. I got married 3 times and had 2 children because that was my "duty." I never wanted children. I always felt weird when I did have sex. There was none of that magical emotional connection that I was told is the norm. It felt to me like I was just using someone's body to mastubate with. Yeah I fell for all the stereotypes and the thou shalts. Well now I'm sixty one years old and I don't have to play the game anymore! Better late than never!

[InfiniteHeart]

On 7/14/2016 at 1:44 PM, Cetasoul said:

I hate those times my boyfriend would say I'm odd for not wanting IT. The way he described the average woman, I am so not like that. Just let me go back to cuddling and kissing.

 

^This.

[Fairygirl88]

On 7/13/2016 at 0:39 AM, m4rble said:

I really don't get why some people can't seem to understand asexuals even though almost everyone is asexual as a child.

Exactly I mean I feel like maybe we're all pushed into being hypersexual because that's what's considered "normal" when quite naturally all small children are asexual  

[Fairygirl88]

5 hours ago, Spiritus55 said:

I sometimes wonder how my life would have been different if I had figure out my ace-ness decades ago. I never even knew it existed until about 3 weeks ago. I just thought there was something wrong with me or that I was selfish for not wanting to have sex with whatever man I was with. I got married 3 times and had 2 children because that was my "duty." I never wanted children. I always felt weird when I did have sex. There was none of that magical emotional connection that I was told is the norm. It felt to me like I was just using someone's body to mastubate with. Yeah I fell for all the stereotypes and the thou shalts. Well now I'm sixty one years old and I don't have to play the game anymore! Better late than never!

That's great you found yourself! Nothing is never too late!🙂

[Fairygirl88]

My family has called me a late "bloomer" because I've never dated anyone until I was 25 and that turned out disastrous for me he wanted sex and I didn't so he walked out of my life...and when I was in high school no guys liked me because of a certain "awkwardness" I had about myself which made them think I was some sort of weirdo, but other then these things these incidents have made me stronger and to learn to appreciate my asexuality even more..

[Cimmerian]

Kids are always a weird or awkward topic to me. I don't think there was ever a question in my family about whether or not I'd have kids... absolutely every female I'm related to within three generations has kids or is actively trying to have kids, but I never, ever want to be pregnant.

I help out with my friend's kids off and on and a couple of weeks ago I had been holding the younger ones and then when I was putting the youngest ones to bed I started wondering whether I should have kids because in some ways I really enjoy kids. I love holding babies, and toddlers and how cuddly they can be, and the off the wall questions they ask. I know I'd get a kick out of watching someone who is a lot of me (like my personality) as a little kid and the latter is something I've thought about a lot, but there are so many things about it that I know I wouldn't want or enjoy, and would probably resent. It feels strange to know that I don't want kids but at the same time knowing how much I enjoy kids under the age of 5.

 

It's nice that dating came up as a topic too because I was thinking about that recently. I've noticed I have a bit of an issue while trying to date. I'll meet someone that I'm interested in talking to or think looks nice and genuinely want to try dating a bit or get to know them better but soon after all that motivation to contact them completely disappears and it starts feeling like a chore. I don't get seriously interested in anyone easily-- and I'm aware of that-- so I don't expect to be instantly attracted to them or feel too invested in it, but losing complete interest in just getting to know someone that registered as intriguing enough to get to know in the first place? I really don't know how to respond to that yet. Anyone else run into this sort of thing?

[Spiritus55]

2 hours ago, Cimmerian said:

Kids are always a weird or awkward topic to me. I don't think there was ever a question in my family about whether or not I'd have kids... absolutely every female I'm related to within three generations has kids or is actively trying to have kids, but I never, ever want to be pregnant.

I help out with my friend's kids off and on and a couple of weeks ago I had been holding the younger ones and then when I was putting the youngest ones to bed I started wondering whether I should have kids because in some ways I really enjoy kids. I love holding babies, and toddlers and how cuddly they can be, and the off the wall questions they ask. I know I'd get a kick out of watching someone who is a lot of me (like my personality) as a little kid and the latter is something I've thought about a lot, but there are so many things about it that I know I wouldn't want or enjoy, and would probably resent. It feels strange to know that I don't want kids but at the same time knowing how much I enjoy kids under the age of 5.

 

It's nice that dating came up as a topic too because I was thinking about that recently. I've noticed I have a bit of an issue while trying to date. I'll meet someone that I'm interested in talking to or think looks nice and genuinely want to try dating a bit or get to know them better but soon after all that motivation to contact them completely disappears and it starts feeling like a chore. I don't get seriously interested in anyone easily-- and I'm aware of that-- so I don't expect to be instantly attracted to them or feel too invested in it, but losing complete interest in just getting to know someone that registered as intriguing enough to get to know in the first place? I really don't know how to respond to that yet. Anyone else run into this sort of thing?

I love kids as long as the aren't mine. ❤ the way they smell, how cuddly they are, and funny, and cute, etc. but it's a huge relief to give them back to their parents.

 

As far as dating... I've had many, many, 1st, 2nd, 3rd dates that went nowhere. I thought I was interested but it turned out that I was wrong, and soon even the way they blinked annoyed me. that used to be called "shopping around" I don't know what young people today call it. I'm don't think that really has anything to do with being ace. I think that's just the human experience in the dating game.

[borkfork]

Dating is annoying. Meeting people with a preconceived idea of what should happen. It's not a business transaction.

 

I guess other people can feel that instant attraction? I can count two occasions where I enjoyed talking to the person on the first date and it didn't feel like pulling teeth. "So, uh, what do you do for a living? Are you from here originally?" It takes a lot longer for me to get know someone and feel out if there's any potential there. And what's wrong with making friends? Oh right, you can't bang them (in theory).

[Cimmerian]

5 hours ago, Spiritus55 said:

I love kids as long as the aren't mine. ❤ the way they smell, how cuddly they are, and funny, and cute, etc. but it's a huge relief to give them back to their parents.

 

As far as dating... I've had many, many, 1st, 2nd, 3rd dates that went nowhere. I thought I was interested but it turned out that I was wrong, and soon even the way they blinked annoyed me. that used to be called "shopping around" I don't know what young people today call it. I'm don't think that really has anything to do with being ace. I think that's just the human experience in the dating game.

Very true; it's  great to give them back to their parents!

 

Haha, yes I very much approve of shopping around even if it seems to be done differently perhaps now (or faster?). I just haven't bothered to date much before, and losing interest at a 1st meeting or, more likely, before a first meeting happens more often than not. But if it's common enough then I guess I'll get used to it. =)

[Florenna]

Hmm, am I then the only one here who has always known they want to have kids (and now have two, won't probably have more)? Only the partner is optional  Well, I guess I didn't think that way when I was younger, but I was probably sexual then anyway, at some level. Now I just struggle to understand why most people think the opposite, and that's the "norm", but then I'm queer like that

[Sofia92]

I am very interested in dating and romance, but the only people that I meet are also interested in sex. So I dont date much. I have been on a couple of dates, but I always end up turning them down, because I know they eventually will expect more than I can offer. And I usually lose interest in them after a couple of days. I dont know why. I really want to have a family and children of my own, so I can't give up on the dating game just yet. 

[Fox6]

On 30/12/2016 at 11:04 AM, Cimmerian said:

It feels strange to know that I don't want kids but at the same time knowing how much I enjoy kids under the age of 5.

It's not strange. I also don't want children while at the same time I also like to play with kids. The point is that parenting has ups and downs, while if you are spending time with a child that's not yours you only get the good part, and you can quit whenever you want.

[Snao Cone]

Parenting is a huge investment in time. Your life will revolve around someone who doesn't understand that you have a life of your own, or once did. For some people that gives deep meaning of dedication to another being. For others it feels like being robbed of freedom of choice. I am absolutely in the latter group.

[Florenna]

^ Thats a pretty strange view of parenthood... (As a parent, I should know...) All parents I know of do have a life of their own. Of course you need to sacrifice some things, like you can't just go out whenever you like, and not often (not that the bar scene is very attractive anyway, especially as one gets older)... But without kids, I really couldn't feel like a full human being, it's so much a part of that full life experience for me. But if you feel the way you do, it's definitely better not to have kids then.  

 

 

[Snao Cone]

7 hours ago, Florenna said:

^ Thats a pretty strange view of parenthood... (As a parent, I should know...) All parents I know of do have a life of their own. Of course you need to sacrifice some things, like you can't just go out whenever you like, and not often (not that the bar scene is very attractive anyway, especially as one gets older)... But without kids, I really couldn't feel like a full human being, it's so much a part of that full life experience for me. But if you feel the way you do, it's definitely better not to have kids then.  

 

 

Parents can still have their own lives, but young children won't understand that. I was speaking of the perspective of the children, not as if parents stop being autonomous people.

 

But maybe I'm wrong! Maybe kids come out of the womb entirely comfortable with parents doing their own thing, and a thorough understanding of balancing time spent looking after family with time spent looking after oneself.

 

But AS I SAID, the feeling of being needed by one's own kin can be really deep for people who want kids. It appears you may have taken offense to that, and none was intended.

[Hermit Advocate]

I remember what I was like as a child, no thank you. 

[Fox6]

On 10/01/2017 at 5:07 AM, Florenna said:

^ Thats a pretty strange view of parenthood... (As a parent, I should know...) All parents I know of do have a life of their own. Of course you need to sacrifice some things, like you can't just go out whenever you like, and not often (not that the bar scene is very attractive anyway, especially as one gets older)... But without kids, I really couldn't feel like a full human being, it's so much a part of that full life experience for me. But if you feel the way you do, it's definitely better not to have kids then.  

 

 

Each to their own. Everyone should know themselves well enough to know if in the long run children will make them happier or not. For me, I prefer dogs.

[CentaurianPrincess]

I'm a biological female. When I was a teenager I wanted to put a label on it and assumed I was a lesbian because I didn't want to date a guy, have sex, marry, get pregnant. Later I learned that lesbians DO have sexual relations and aren't just women who don't have sex. I thought lesbian meant asexual as a naive teen girl.

 

I'm a gray asexual because I sometimes have sex to bond with men I like but it has to be on my terms. In that sense I could be bordering on demi sexual.

[RalynnB]

I get so annoyed whenever people are shocked and tell me that I'll change my mind about having kids after hearing that I don't want any. There is seriously no part of that process that sounds appealing to me but people still tell me that'll change when I'm older (I'm 19). What I really want is a dog. However when my grandma found out she told me that would change and that she wanted great-grandchildren so I would need to have kids, to which I responded by reminding her that she has six other granddaughters so she shouldn't worry too much. Why should anyone else's perceived wants or needs or ideas go above my own in regards to children? If I do ever change my mind there is always adoption, which is 100000% a viable choice. I don't need to sacrifice myself to conform with what everyone else thinks I should want in regards to having kids just because they think my uterus means I need to have kids to be happy and content with my life.