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Randomchaos

Asexual Women

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Randomchaos

So I wanted to start a topic for asexual women so we could gather and discuss what it's like to be asexual's in a world where we are the odd ones out for not being interested in sex. This is meant for Asexual Women for it to be a place for us to discuss what happens in daily life. Ranting is okay too lol.

So to get the ball rolling, yesterday one of my co-workers gets my attention, and says " hey I don't want to be in your business or anything but don't you want a man, like won't you want one eventually." Looking back on it he probably didn't even mean 'don't you want a relationship?' it was more likely about wanting someone to have sex with.... He doesn't know I'm Ace but at the same time it made me realize just how sexual the world is, and how as an asexual woman there will be many instances to come like this last one where people won't understand that I'm just not interested. I'm also a grey a-romantic so double whammy in the fact that I don't even really want a relationship.

I guess my reason for wanting to start this thread is to have Asexual Women come together and discuss events in their lives, or be able to just vent. I mean being asexual in a world where women are made into sexual objects isn't easy, so please use this thread to vent, muse, rant etc. About things that happen in your life.

P.S. I totally ripped this off of Steph. But who cares :D If the boys get their own thread we get one too lol.

P.S.S. I am totally going to regret posting this ^_^ .

P.S.S.S. If someone has a better topic title please let me know :D

:redface:

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UncommonNonsense

I'm AFAB agender but still somehow universally read as being cis-female despite being very gender-neutral-to-masculine in my clothing choices.

I don't do relationships now.. I've realized how aromantic I really am, and I just found relationships anxiety-producing, confining, and fraught with the very real risk that sex would be expected of me, even when I was open about being being ace and sex-repulsed. I've had some very negative experiences with relationships and that expectation of sex, as I'm sure we all have.

Sometimes I miss the old saw about women being less sexual than men. Yeah, I'm aware it isn't seen as true anymore, but it gave ace women a certain excuse for just not being into it.

There's so much that bugs me about the way women/female-bodied-people are treated around sex and sexuality in our culture...

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Snao Cone

I'm really lucky that the majority of my friends and family and coworkers have not asked or pried or suggested or (outwardly) judged me on the sex/dating front, but I'm also aware that this can change at any moment. The next person I meet might aggressively believe everyone needs to be paired up. People I already know might bring up something that's been silently on their mind.

So, I have it pretty good right now, but I also know that this might not be the case for many asexual women.

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m4rble

I really don't get why some people can't seem to understand asexuals even though almost everyone is asexual as a child.

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WitchUnicorn

It's pretty funny watching people ask me whether or not I want to be in a relationship despite wearing an asexual pride outfit.

In a sexualised society, relationships and sex are pretty much mandatory and God help you if you don't want that. And being a female who doesn't want a relationship makes everyone think that you had an abusive boyfriend or you're a bloody nun.

Also as a female asexual, we also have the added bonus of MENSTRUATION! That's right, that godforsaken hellhole in which Lucifer provides a week-long blood thunderstorm in. It's hilarious because I, as an asexual, do not experience sexual attraction and am sex-repulsed, have almost no need of monthly torture.

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m4rble

It's pretty funny watching people ask me whether or not I want to be in a relationship despite wearing an asexual pride outfit.

In a sexualised society, relationships and sex are pretty much mandatory and God help you if you don't want that. And being a female who doesn't want a relationship makes everyone think that you had an abusive boyfriend or you're a bloody nun.

Also as a female asexual, we also have the added bonus of MENSTRUATION! That's right, that godforsaken hellhole in which Lucifer provides a week-long blood thunderstorm in. It's hilarious because I, as an asexual, do not experience sexual attraction and am sex-repulsed, have almost no need of monthly torture.

I think the need for monthly torture has more to do with wanting children than wanting sex. Then again, being able to turn ovulation on and off would be a much better option even for those who want children.

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Sally

I really don't get why some people can't seem to understand asexuals even though almost everyone is asexual as a child.

People don't expect children to want sexual relationships, and (rightly, I think) they don't consider children to be asexual. They are simply pre-pubertal.

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m4rble

I really don't get why some people can't seem to understand asexuals even though almost everyone is asexual as a child.

People don't expect children to want sexual relationships, and (rightly, I think) they don't consider children to be asexual. They are simply pre-pubertal.
Yeah, but you'd think they would remember what it was like and not be so confused. I guess it has more to do with people being surprised by breaking norms than it has to do with being genuinely unable to imagine it.

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.diva plavalaguna.

I've somehow skated past most of the problems other ladies encounter for most of my life. My family always assumed I was too busy studying to go to college and get a good job to worry about boys. I didn't let anyone know until I was in college, junior year I think, when I told my mom how truly desperate I felt. That weird feeling I get when I see other people coupled up is part of what confuses me about my romantic orientation. It says aromantic??? now but I feel like I've gone back to having no freaking clue lol.

The obsession with sex is sick for me. It makes me physically ill to see guys posting pictures of almost-naked women with exaggerated proportions (I know some women are actually shaped in the "perfect" huge tits and ass with tiny waste way, though) and drooling all over them in the description and comments. And for not so ace-related reasons, it actually really pisses me off that people will post these types of pictures and worship them and other "ideal" ladies like it's embracing real women. It's not. It's just fetishizing a different type of body than the pale, thin one of older days. Do not want.

I'm a little worried that extended family will start to see me as a "woman" now that I am with someone (a sexual). I'm really dreading allusions being made to pregnancy (ew no no no no!) and sex. I am not unwilling to try it out, amongst other things, but I don't need the sex talk nor do I want to discuss it with family lol.

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Quoth The Raven

I get annoyed when people like my parents for instance, occasionally suggest to others that I'll get married or have kids one day. Because I always pop right in and tell the person that I'm not and that the only thing they're going to get is grandkittens, if that. And yet the person always acts like I'm joking. Why do they all think I'm joking and going to change my mind eventually?

I used to never think I'd get a boyfriend either, so I suppose in one way that may be a reason why, but still. That and no one in my family knows I'm ace because I don't know how they'd react about it. And they don't 'get' anything in the LGBT+ spectrum. Though I don't think they even know ace is a thing, which makes it a little worse.

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Hermit Advocate

I just hate the generalities that people say to me, even if they don't know me that well. These are mainly, but not limited to, people constantly saying that I'll "meet the right person someday" or "don't worry, you'll want kids soon enough." Very few people seem to fully accept that a person can be happy being single for potentially the rest of their lives. They usually assume that my singleness means that I am looking for someone to date and it annoys me. Excluding my aromantic factor, the majority of people I meet in my life will be sexual in one form or another, which makes dating options very slim even if I was interested. As for kids, blegh.

I also hate how women's bodies are basically treated like sex objects in media. The majority of women's ads are "Do ___ so men can find you sexy". Even though I'm not out I still hate that everywhere I look things inevitable relate back to sex. I walk in to a store and look at the clothes and the women's shorts barely have enough material to cover the crotch area. How would that be comfortable?

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Push Pop the Wolfdog

Oversexualization of dfab people makes me want to punch the marketers in the face.

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Snao Cone

I don't know if it's because I've just grown used to it or because I'm not in that prime demographic anymore, but I don't get bothered as much by that sexualization these days. I know it exists. I just don't see it so much about sex as it is about all the other reasons women need to look beautiful - to keep friends, to advance our careers, to justify taking up space. Being an asexual woman doesn't exempt me from these pressures, I guess.

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anzu2snow

I love how in my religion, as a Reform Jew (some think it's just the Orthodox, but it's not), one of the main mitzvahs or commandments/good deeds is to be 'fruitful and multiply'. This is a big one for women. When people knew I was in a relationship, they automatically asked me if I've 'done it' yet with him. These are mostly from acquaintances. Sex is supposedly a big thing for women in my religion, yet it's not for me. Kind of conflicting. My mom occasionally would tell me my biological clock is ticking, and it'd be great to have grandkids. Sadly, that never came true for her. (She passed away 4 years ago.) My dad seems more lax about it. I'm starting to realize that me possibly wanting a kid was maybe a society thing. Like, that's what I should want. I don't know anymore. Since I've had life threatening problems with periods and such, I've been seriously debating getting rid of at least my ovaries. They cause me more harm than good. But, if I do that there's no possibility of having my own kids the normal way. Maybe it'd be best with other ways in the future.

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Randomchaos

I love how in my religion, as a Reform Jew (some think it's just the Orthodox, but it's not), one of the main mitzvahs or commandments/good deeds is to be 'fruitful and multiply'. This is a big one for women. When people knew I was in a relationship, they automatically asked me if I've 'done it' yet with him. These are mostly from acquaintances. Sex is supposedly a big thing for women in my religion, yet it's not for me. Kind of conflicting. My mom occasionally would tell me my biological clock is ticking, and it'd be great to have grandkids. Sadly, that never came true for her. (She passed away 4 years ago.) My dad seems more lax about it. I'm starting to realize that me possibly wanting a kid was maybe a society thing. Like, that's what I should want. I don't know anymore. Since I've had life threatening problems with periods and such, I've been seriously debating getting rid of at least my ovaries. They cause me more harm than good. But, if I do that there's no possibility of having my own kids the normal way. Maybe it'd be best with other ways in the future.

I'm sorry for your loss, I have never understood the religious thing about being fruitful. Thankfully my parents interpret it as when you get to know someone if they show interest try to explain your faith to them, but they still think that a relationship is important.

Maybe get your eggs saved if having your own kids is important to you? That way in the future you wouldn't need your ovaries and if you wanted to give birth they could just implant the fertilized ovum into your womb? (science is amazing :) )

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Vianna

I don't really get a lot from guys compared to how much I get from girls. I'll be honest, I lie about the number of sexual partners I've had. I say one and point to my only KNOWN bf that I've had (because I never once introduced someone as my bf - they only met this particular one after we split) because those few were I've been honest and said no one, they pity me and try to set me up with people. These are female friends. One of them suggested that I find a guy in the club and give him a blowjob just to 'ease into the idea'. We no longer speak.

Told my closest friend I was ace after a whole night of building up the courage. She said we should talk again and she would see what she could do to help me. I tried to say I don't need help it was more fyi but yeah...

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anzu2snow

I love how in my religion, as a Reform Jew (some think it's just the Orthodox, but it's not), one of the main mitzvahs or commandments/good deeds is to be 'fruitful and multiply'. This is a big one for women. When people knew I was in a relationship, they automatically asked me if I've 'done it' yet with him. These are mostly from acquaintances. Sex is supposedly a big thing for women in my religion, yet it's not for me. Kind of conflicting. My mom occasionally would tell me my biological clock is ticking, and it'd be great to have grandkids. Sadly, that never came true for her. (She passed away 4 years ago.) My dad seems more lax about it. I'm starting to realize that me possibly wanting a kid was maybe a society thing. Like, that's what I should want. I don't know anymore. Since I've had life threatening problems with periods and such, I've been seriously debating getting rid of at least my ovaries. They cause me more harm than good. But, if I do that there's no possibility of having my own kids the normal way. Maybe it'd be best with other ways in the future.

I'm sorry for your loss, I have never understood the religious thing about being fruitful. Thankfully my parents interpret it as when you get to know someone if they show interest try to explain your faith to them, but they still think that a relationship is important.

Maybe get your eggs saved if having your own kids is important to you? That way in the future you wouldn't need your ovaries and if you wanted to give birth they could just implant the fertilized ovum into your womb? (science is amazing :) )

Yeah, I miss her sometimes. Also, I forgot, in my religion there's one where the husband's duty is to have sex with his wife. (Keep her 'satisfied'.) So, it's not just about having kids. I think this puts stress on both people. The weird part, with me, is that these are actual commandments. I'm also thinking of exploring Modern Orthodoxy, so it'll be even weirder for me. It's great your parents interpreted that part that way.

The problem about saving my eggs is that it's not cheap. I thought about that a while back. If it was covered in my insurance plan, I'd be on it as fast as I could be. I know science is great. There's a lot of stuff that could be done, but it's a matter of how much it costs. I think they cover having the ovaries taken out, and a hysterectomy. No more than that, with down there, at least. It'd be cool if it cost the same to freeze eggs as it does to freeze sperm. Also, the success rate is not good. So, I don't know.

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deltaX

Most of the typical things asexual females say are things I'm used to. As annoying as they are, I've kind of started to ignore all the constant references to "when you get married..." or "when you have kids....". The only person that really gets to me on this front is my elderly great-aunt, who thinks a woman's only job is to get married and provide kids for her husband. She's constantly putting pressure on me to find a boyfriend, and belittling all my educational pursuits in a way she doesn't do with any of my older male cousins (because the only reason a girl should be in college anyway is to ind a man :rolleyes: ). I know she's just a grumpy old woman who's the product of her time, but lately it's been hard to be around her.

The sexualization of women never really effected me personally, but I don't tend to get sexualized at all. With the right outfit I can easily look like a middle schooler in real life, and am not stereotypical attractive so I'm more immune to being sexualized than most women my age are. Maybe I also put off some "I'm not sexual!" vibes or something, I don't know.

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Woodworker1968

I really don't get why some people can't seem to understand asexuals even though almost everyone is asexual as a child.

Well, not exactly. There are a very few of us (me, for one) who didn't undergo the Adult Brain OS Software Upgrade when we were 18-ish.

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Acciuga

I don't think this is just an asexual woman problem but I've gotten a lot of "you're too pretty to not want sex" lately. A lot more than I hope to have. Especially from friends and family that I'm not out to yet. I just don't understand why my (non-existent) sex life is so important to them. And I'm far from pretty, but what does appearance have to do with wanting sexual intercourse or not? -_-

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fuzzipueo

I don't know if it's because I've just grown used to it or because I'm not in that prime demographic anymore, but I don't get bothered as much by that sexualization these days. I know it exists. I just don't see it so much about sex as it is about all the other reasons women need to look beautiful - to keep friends, to advance our careers, to justify taking up space. Being an asexual woman doesn't exempt me from these pressures, I guess.

It's extremely annoying to have these ads that essentially say that if you have just one little wrinkle you're ruined for anything. Or, if you've got gray hair or just about anything aimed at women over a certain age. I like my wrinkles and gray hair, thank you very much. I'm not wasting a bunch of money on anti-aging cremes and hair coloring products that can be and should be spent on more important things like my car or a book or the cats ... Grrrrrrrr It just gets old, very fast.

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Neapolitan_Cat

I'm here. I hate those times my boyfriend would say I'm odd for not wanting IT. The way he described the average woman, I am so not like that. Just let me go back to cuddling and kissing

And twice I came out both responses were like "that is so not me, but cool". Why would they both say it's not me? We're not talking about the other person and the first is my boyfriend so I know that for a fact, the other time because of how rare we are I can kinda tell it's not the other guy either most likely

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fuzzipueo

I don't think this is just an asexual woman problem but I've gotten a lot of "you're too pretty to not want sex" lately. A lot more than I hope to have. Especially from friends and family that I'm not out to yet. I just don't understand why my (non-existent) sex life is so important to them. And I'm far from pretty, but what does appearance have to do with wanting sexual intercourse or not? -_-

Because the main thing is to attract a partner and one's looks are the primary source of that attraction. It's the one which people see first, before getting to the deeper stuff, like personality and conversations and such.

As for why they're interested in your sex life - they're just being nosy and curious. They're probably wondering why you never talk about a girl/boyfriend and this isn't what they expect so they're trying to suggest ways to attract one. Just be you and they'll, hopefully, eventually, realize you just aren't interested or find something more interesting to talk about (that's a great way to deflect such questions, by the way, ask them about their hobbies or what-have-you. People love to talk about themselves!). :)

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Acciuga

Because the main thing is to attract a partner and one's looks are the primary source of that attraction. It's the one which people see first, before getting to the deeper stuff, like personality and conversations and such.

If only it didn't have to be this way though... :(

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Snao Cone

I don't think this is just an asexual woman problem but I've gotten a lot of "you're too pretty to not want sex" lately. A lot more than I hope to have. Especially from friends and family that I'm not out to yet. I just don't understand why my (non-existent) sex life is so important to them. And I'm far from pretty, but what does appearance have to do with wanting sexual intercourse or not? -_-

It's so annoying when people's response to "I have no interest in a relationship" is "Oh nonsense, you're very pretty! You'll find someone some day!"

...uh, I really really wasn't asking for compliments or moping that I'm undateable. Whether I could score a man is irrelevant to whether I want to (and I really don't)

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deltaX

Yeah, why does stating I'm single and not looking make some people think I'm fishing for compliments? Maybe some people really just want to be single :ph34r:

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Neapolitan_Cat

Speaking of the whole "you'll find someone" I came out to someone on Facebook that I haven't talked to since high school and her first response were those exact words. *tears hair out* I already have someone!!!

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Snao Cone

If anyone responds to you coming out with "Have you seen a doctor about it?" or "They have medication for that now," the next time they announce anything to you (new hairstyle, upcoming vacation, engagement, etc) just say the same thing to them :P

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butterflydreams

If anyone responds to you coming out with "Have you seen a doctor about it?" or "They have medication for that now," the next time they announce anything to you (new hairstyle, upcoming vacation, engagement, etc) just say the same thing to them :P

I use this as a snarky response to way too many things already :P

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Tanzanite

I'm just a single and happy person with ambition. Relationships aren't that high of a priority to me. I wouldn't mind dating someone, but I don't want sex. I haven't been hit with stuff like "you'll find someone" or "don't you want kids?" very often, so I'm not very annoyed by it (probably because I don't have a job (yet) where some people are just willing to talk about anything). As for society's oversexualization, I'm not going to lie, it can be overdone (it's just a freakin' burger, Carl's Jr.!). I don't mind sexualization when it's tame and classy (ex: a lounge singer in a cocktail dress advertising lipstick)...that probably wouldn't count as sexualization, would it? Unless it was Madonna's character from that Dick Tracy movie? Oh well.

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