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Article: "How hard is it for an asexual to find love online?"


deltaX

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Thanks for the link. Illustrates what I had already believed... having a penis gives you privilege. *sigh* :(

So far - I haven't been on OKC for long yet - my experience on that site is pretty positive, but I have no doubt it's as problematic as described here for anyone who is biologically female or presents as female-gendered.

And yeah, it's obvious that poly aces have it a lot easier... monos are pretty much screwed if they don't intend to screw. (That's more intended as gallows humor than anything.) But knowing that won't help you if you really are wired for monogamy.

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Frigid Pink

While true that not many people are compatible with "asexual" people, even people who desire sex with others have compatibility issues on and offline, so, I don't think I'd take this person's experience and generalize it for all "asexual" people.

I don't think any "sexual" person is inferior (or not okay) for not being compatible with a "sexless" relationship (it's okay to desire and want sex with others just as it's okay to not desire sex with others) and I certainly don't think an "asexual" person ought to expect a "sexual" person to be involved in a "sexless" relationship or okay with one, which seemed to be the attitude in the article. Certainly, there are "sexual" people out there who are okay with a "sexless" relationship, however, not everyone will be and it's not reasonable to expect everyone to be.

I think it's about compatibility and finding someone who is compatible with you regardless of sexual orientation and labels. I think it helps to not engage too deeply with others that annoy us, offend us, or just aren't compatible with us on a dating site (or elsewhere). If you dislike them, then disengage. If you dislike interacting with them, then stop interacting with them. I think a simple "not interested" is enough once you realize the person isn't compatible with you. I also think it's important to be active and not passively wait to be "chosen" by someone else. I highly recommend this article about that! (see excerpt at the end of this post)

Basically, I dislike the article (overall) because I don't think it's representative of everyone's experiences and I also think the "asexual" person may have some entitlement issues to work through as far as what they expect a "sexual" person to be like (or anyone to be like) in a dating situation (or otherwise). I think they may have misguided expectations and views about relationships, in general.

I don't think an "asexual" person ought to not date "sexual" people as a rule, however, if a "sexless" relationship is desired and sex is a dealbreaker for someone, then most "sexual" people probably aren't compatible with that person and, hey, that's actually okay. It's okay for someone to not be okay with a "sexless relationship" and it's okay for someone to not be okay with one that involves sex. It just means those people aren't compatible and when either of them discovers that, then the best thing to do is move on. It doesn't have to be or mean anything more than that.

Overall, "dating" isn't necessarily "easy" for any group of people. It's difficult, in general, for people to find someone they're compatible with in a romantic relationship context. It may be a bit more difficult for "asexual" people because most people aren't okay with "sexless" relationships, however, that doesn't mean there's anything "wrong" with people who desire those relationships and it doesn't mean there's anything "wrong" with someone who doesn't desire a relationship with an "asexual" person because they desire sex and the "asexual" person doesn't. It simply means we need to accept others for who they are and accept ourselves for who we are and recognize we're not owed a relationship with anyone. Best thing we can do is love ourselves and accept the responsibility for our own happiness because that responsibility is ours and ours alone.

I'd like to add, as a final note, that I'm not saying there aren't valid complaints in this article (some of the behavior of people on the dating site was definitely annoying and offensive). However, that's why you disengage (and early!) with those people and that's why you don't wait to be "chosen" and it came across as though this person continued interaction beyond the point of discovering lack of interest or incompatibility.

(quote from article below)

"This is your life – you must be the primary driver of your choices. Hold your own and put away your Choose Me Stick and stop playing a role in life that says “How can I be the right one for you?” You have control over what you do and don’t participate in – choose (positively) instead of letting life happen to you!"

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RainedMeadow

Somebody please remind me to never attempt using OkCupid as an asexual.

Didn't someone say there is a way to hide oneself from others who are not asexual on OkCupid?

There is Acebook.

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