Mixed Feelings About being Ace

[Feather427]

Does anyone else bounce from "This is great, I'm going to get so far in my education and career not being distracted by relationships in that way!" and "Oh my, I'm going to die alone."

I'm definitely asexual, and probably somewhere on the aromantic spectrum (aro, cupido or WTF), and recently it's been starting to get me down.

I get that it's society telling me that I need a partner to be happy, but I don't know. And I can't help but feeling that no one would want a relationship with me, when I can't offer much.

Anyone else feeling this way, or have any advice?

[Amedot]

Thing is, just about everyone dies alone. People of all orientations live alone their entire lives, including straight people. There's no guarantee you'll find someone and spend the rest of your life with them, but that applies to everyone.

It's okay to have mixed feelings about your asexuality. I wrestle with a lot of those thoughts too ("I have nothing to offer" etc). I try to accept that nothing is 100% good or bad, and it's okay for my feelings re: my asexuality change depending on how I'm feeling.

Take care

[argar]

Hmm, in some ways being asexual made things a lot easier in my life.

I finally let go of the burden that was placed upon me by the expectations of others.

My best friend once told me "If you don't use it you lose it."

I guess again also feeling the societal pressure to make sure I conform to the expectations society puts on us.

Of course the comment I hate the most "You need to get laid."

Still bugs the crap out of me.

Anyway, my point being you are not alone in that feeling.

It feels great that I no longer feel this pressure to be in a relationship, to associate romance with happiness, or the notion that I have to have children.

On the other hand, yeah it does feel isolating when everyone else follows this blueprint.

I guess I have had so many years of feeling like an outsider, that it feels uncomfortable sometimes not to feel that.

I do go through bouts of intense loneliness, but I think the thought that comforts me is that every one at one time goes through this.

No matter their age or inclination. We all feel that.

It sometimes feels like we are the only ones, but we have all had this feeling.

In that I find peace.

Because at one time or another we all overcome it.

We can't feel lonely all the time.

I hope someone else writes something a bit more practical, but for now these are my opinions on the topic.

Have a beautiful day.

[Queen of Wonderland]

I hate seeing posts like these, that have people saying they're going to die alone just because they don't really have romantic relationships. I understand feeling down because you don't want/can't have romance in your life, but that doesn't mean you don't have love. In a society so focused around the idea that you need to be wanted to be happy or fulfilled, people forget that you can find love in other ways and other places. Even people who don't find partners or spouses have love from family, friends, and their communities. Asexuality is a minority, so sometimes its hard not to feel alone or isolated, but you have the AVEN community and everyone who loves you as an incredible support system.

I hope you feel better. Remember, you have lots of people who love you, and you are not alone.

[One Winged Angel]

Moving from one thought to another is in many ways a natural part of deep thinking. We can go from "yes, this is it" to "whoa, hold on there a minute" in a very short space of time. It is all part of thinking things through and coming to a unique understanding of your feelings.

A sensation of place, of being wanted, or of love do not need to come from traditional relationships. We can love many things and find our place amid a myriad of different places, communities or ideas. In order to be truly happy, we need to follow our joy, seek out the things of which we desire the most.

Many people do not do this. They are weary, they work in places they hate, live in homes they do not love, live lives of sham status and sorrow. They believe their happiness lies in the approval of an impersonal society. What use is living a unpleasant life by choice, if it's only outcome is a sigh, a shake of the head and an "I hope it will be better for the kids"?

As for dying alone, I hear this phrase a lot. But no matter how many people are around us when we die, we must face that journey on our own. None of us know where death will take us. Is there nothing after death, or something after death? When it comes the time for us to know this for real, no matter the beliefs we held in this world, we will face that final knowing alone.

When we are part of a minority in some way, it can feel like the whole world has eyes on you. But this issue does not lie with us, it lies with those unable to look past the postage stamp consensus. And believe it or not, there are some rare people out there who WILL accept you for who you are, and WILL stick by you no matter what. But these people do not just roll along on the next bus.

We each offer more than ever believe. Your words here right now could help somebody, somewhere when they read it. That alone is a great thing.

[SpeedinThroughSpace]

I have thought about dying/aging alone, too, but I don't think I will be alone because I'm ace. I have a sister and cousins I'm close to, I have great, close friends, and I hope to keep them all as we age. Of course, I can't know that, we might grow apart, someone might move to a far away place, etc. But I have no reason to think I will lose all my friends as we grow older.

Compared to non-ace people, I don't really think we're that much worse off. Marriages/couples that stay together for life are increasingly rare. A lot of people I know who've been married in the past are now single after a divorce. Sometimes one partner dies long before the other. Some married couples I know are distant while living together. They live in the same house, but each one is lonely because their love faded to a sort of tired indifference. If you look at all these cases, a lot of people age and die alone, even without being ace.

There are couples that stay close and in love and are able to spend their lives together to the end. There are people who stay close to their kids and have a fulfilling connection to their families as long as they live. I knew a pair of two lifelong friends who even stayed in the same retirement home until they died in their 90s.

A lot of people start looking more into friendships again when their kids are grown-up. The mid-fifties and mid-sixties people I know have more friends they frequently meet and do activities with than those in their thirties and forties. Looks not so bad for old age companionship.

There are examples for loneliness in old age, caused by various factors. There are also examples of people who didn't have to be lonely in their old age. I don't think they are related to asexuality at all. It's a real lot more complex than that, and for the majority of us it's still so far away, too.

Don't beat yourself up over it. :)

[Feather427]

Thank you to everyone who replied. I know that a lot of my thoughts come from society telling me what is needed to be happy. But I am starting to realize that you don't need romantic love to have love in your life. I'm working on it! ☺️

[Beyourownspotlight]

My asexuality has never been a case of 'yay I can focus on my education, and career, and not be distracted by relationships! yay!'. I'm not romantic in the typical sense, like I don't like fancy dates, or flowers or gifts really at all. But I am romantic in the sense I can form a romantic attraction to someone, and desire a romantic relationship with someone. So, I guess, relationships could still 'distract' me. That being said, I've not really actively looked for a relationship since before I figured out asexuality was a thing, and I still found one, which was lovely.

Mostly it's all been very negative feelings surrounding my asexuality. I think, I was comfortable with it for maybe a month. Tops. Now I'm just sort of indifferent unless I think about it too much. Or get too drunk, then it's all a very negative experience again. Though, one very good thing has come from it. I met my partner through my 'journey' and while I might still not be happy with myself/my sexuality, I am beyond happy to have him in my life.

[Aloki24601]

Your line that you have nothing to offer in a relationship makes me sad. While sex/physicality is one aspect of a relationship, it really isn't the end all be all. Being emotionally supportive, a fun person, good and honest person. Companionship and the ability to challenge your partner to the best that he or she can be are huge parts of a relationship. Having someone who cares about you and listens to your day and experiences life with you is a huge part of any relationship. No sex is a deal breaker for some, perhaps for many, but it is very different from having nothing to offer :)

That said, it can certainly still be frustrating, especially when you do feel alone. There are many people on this earth, looking for different things. Keep you head up and I hope someone will come along and value you as a whole person, not only what you bring to the bedroom.

[Novine]

Dating and intimate relationships can be a lot of headache, drama and pain.

Life is simpler without them.

But, society does try to make you feel "weird" and like garbage for not being in a relationship. Then, and only then, can it get quite sad and make you feel left out.

At least it is like that for me.