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My definition of asexuality


ashpenaz

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My definition of an asexual is simple: someone who doesn't want to have sex. I experience various degrees of sexual attraction, but I don't want to have sex. I've never had sex (I'm 55) and I don't see a situations where that would change. Until I discovered asexuality about two years ago, I assumed there was something wrong with me. I tried to figure out a way to force myself to want to have sex so I could be like other men, but the desire for sex wasn't there. I have sexual fantasies so I can masturbate, but I'm usually not in them--I'm usually imagining other people having sex. And when I'm done, I go back to my life until the need to relieve the tension re-emerges.

I guess what I'm saying is that, for me, asexuality is not so much a lack of sexual attraction or lack of sexual energy, it's the lack of desire to act on it with other people. I have no drive for partnered sex.

I form deep, emotional connections with men (sometimes women), but after an initial "crush" phase, any sexual desire peters out (so to speak). I'd like to find a lasting partnership based on a deep emotional connection--but most men choose to have a sexual partner instead. I am a continual victim of the relationship hierarchy. :(

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Sounds like the pretty standard definition of asexuality. Not sure what you mean by victim of the relationship hierarchy but to be fair if someone wants sex in their romantic relationship it's okay they feel that way.

The problem is there are just very few aces, especially among males which makes it difficult (nearly impossible as many here can testify) to find another man who is asexual.

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The actual percentages on gender ratio are unclear; there are many factors bluring it.

So i wouldn't trust the "majority of aces being women" ratio.

Um, to be clear with the OP, you have the impulse to do sexual things to specific people but don't desire to act on it?

But there are asexual dating sites, asexual meetups scheduled on and off of AVEN, and i minority of sexual people are ok with a sexless relationship.

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I'd say the majority of aces who are aware of their asexuality and/or out about it are women or trans*/NB.

Asexual (cis)men face stronger social stigma, and are more likely to be in denial. That makes an estimation of the true percentage all but impossible to even attempt.

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Women are also (due to their brains being more developed in this section) more likely to talk about things and the poll was done on this forum (i.e. a place to talk). So even if ace men were momentarily on here, the poll was of the frequented members i.e. women. That and the poll included non-binary, which had a high percentage, so who knows the actual divide.

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I think men tend to define themselves as loners rather than asexual. Or "confirmed bachelors." Any deviation from heteronormativity is seen as gay, and most men avoid labels which would carry what they would see to be a stigma.

My asexuality is not a lack of sexual energy (though I don't have a lot of sexual energy). It's just a diffuse, undirected sexual energy aimed at nothing in particular, as if my wires never got hooked up. Stated positively--a homosexual wants sex with someone of the same sex; a heterosexual wants sex with someone of the opposite sex; a bisexual wants sex with either sex; and an asexual wants sex with nobody. That's not the same as not wanting sex--asexuality is a positive sexual orientation with positive sexual energy which is directed to nobody or nothing in particular--obviously a paradox.

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I liken my asexuality to my lack of interest in eating celery.
I don't hate celery and I'd be perfectly capable of eating it if I chose to....I simply have no taste or desire for it.
Left to my own devices, I would never eat celery again.
I wasn't beaten with sticks of celery as a child lol...there's no hidden trauma, and it's not connected to my asperger's.
What can I tell you? I simply walk past it in the supermarket without a second glance, on my way to the cake section :-)

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