My experience: probably aromantic (and asexual)?

[Avoj]

Hi:

I found AVEN last week and since then I feel really relieved. As I said in my presentation thread, so far I've always thought of me like a weird person in terms of romantic relationships and sex. Some people, in fact, are of the opinion that I'm a extremely cold and even cynical person, although certainly I am not.

Why did I know about AVEN? Well, everything began when, some weeks ago, I started having a crush. At least I thought that. A new coworker arrived in my company, and I was instantaneously attracted to her. She is so beautiful... I mean I was physically or aesthetically attracted to her, as I didn't know anything about her personality. This feeling of crush is extraordinarily strange to me, and I have only experienced it years ago when I was a sophomore. That being said, automatically a disgusting feeling grew within me every time I imagined the possibility of having sex with her (I must say that I have never had that sort of relationship with anybody).

After telling a friend these ideas, he suggested me to ask her to hang out with her, to take a cup of coffee or similar. I did. I'm an introvert person, but anyway I did it, and she accepted. However, I started feeling uncomfortable about the idea of dating. In fact, I think I would have preferred her to say 'No'. I don't like cuddling, or holding hands, and the mere possibility of a romantic date made me feel disturbed. I so had to sabotage the date with a plausible excuse. Then I felt again very relieved.

In spite of all these emotions, I like her a lot. May I be having a squish? Her attraction force is due to her aesthetics and intelligence. This disturbs me, because I have never thought I could be aromantic or asexual, but I have always had this kind of behavior. Past relationships have never worked since I just was looking for 'friends with benefits', without dating and without romantic acts (I do like kissing, nevertheless). Moreover, those few past relationships were motivated primarily by social pressure, rather than my own desire.

Have someone experienced this kind of situations? Is it normal? Do you think I could be an aro/ace?

Thanks for your help!

[Star Bit]

I mean I was physically or aesthetically attracted to her

By physical you mean sensual, right? Physical attraction is very vague; it can be intended and interpreted as several types of attraction and is normally used to mean sexual attraction, but it can also be used as aesthetic attraction or sensual attraction or a combination of them, so you see the problem. If you just like her aesthetics and mind then it just sounds like platonic admirance and not a squish; as that's the desire to better know someone specific. Aromantics can desire to making out, they just don't desire a romantic relationship-- though it's kinda more accurate to call that a kissing fetish because it doesn't correlate to orientation (as it does in most people), but it doesn't have an 'official' philia title, although it would technically be Philemaphilia because it does have a phobia version.

But here's a list of attractions:

There are 6 types of attraction. They're all typically felt with romantic attraction (and why there can be confusion between attractions) but they aren't needed to make it valid. They can all be felt separately, without romantic attraction, and in different combinations. The desire to act in a certain way can also be separate from the attraction (e.g. sexual attraction with no sexual desire/desire to act on it, or romantic desire with no romantic attraction), but having either of those means the person is sexual/romantic/gray.

· Sexual attraction - the impulse to have sex with a specific person; to do genital involving things to their body. Synonyms are sexually alluring, sexually appealing, sexually enticing, sexually tempting, etc.

· Romantic attraction - an emotion; so it doesn't translate well into words, but it can be inadequately put as soft/warm/fuzzy feelings with some degree of fixation (at least in comparison to one's normality with others). Some people have a physical reaction to the feeling and others don’t (i.e. butterflies in their stomach, heart rate increase, blushing, etc. [though those are also symptoms of platonic nervousness]). Others may react mentally with a dreamy mindset, anxious euphoria, infatuation, romantic fantasies, etc.

· Aesthetic attraction - the pull to look at someone because of their looks and/or mannerisms, which is different from recognizing good looks/what is aesthetically pleasing.

· Emotional attraction - the fixation on someone because of their emotions (optimism, stoicness, etc.), and by extent personality. I would compare it to having a favorite character or admirance.

· Sensual attraction - the impulse to have non-genital physical contact with someone specific. Platonically displaying this above the norm qualifies as a type of queerplatonic relationship (QPR). I would compare it to how many people have the urge to act toward their pet(s), though this term is typically applied to other humans. There are 3 forms of sensual attraction; platonic, romantic (which while similar; past making out obviously not being platonic, actually differ in the way it's done and the person's expression while doing so), and sexual (in the sense that it’s a kink done for sexual arousal, not because it includes sex/genital contact --which is under Gray-asexuality).

· Platonic attraction - (aka a friend crush or squish; a play on the romantic word crush) the impulse to further know or befriend someone specific. The desired bond can vary from being friends, to close friends, to best friends. It may include nervousness or admirance, and once the desired bond is reached the squish goes away.

· And it's possible to find someone charming without romantic attraction. (look up charming's definition/synonyms for further clarification)

· And not everyone is into making out (there are cultures that don’t have it), nor do people need romantic feelings to desire to make out (or be in a romantic relationship for that matter). So whether you do or don't desire it, it isn't an indicator of orientation.

· It’s also possible to feel queerplatonically about someone. A queerplatonic relationship (or one sided, a 'queerplatonic squish' aka 'queerplatonic crush') is a platonic relationship that has (or is desired to have) the characteristic(s) associated with a romantic relationship (excluding sex and making out). It can be an importance/closeness stronger than the best friend norm and/or displaying platonic sensual contact above the norm (which depending on the culture may include chaste kissing, although a person preferring chaste kissing or no kissing does not make them aromantic). Or in short, "super best friends." They may or may not have monogamy, live together, have kids, or be mistaken for a couple. Romantics and Aromantics can have QPRs. An example would be Turk and JD from Scrubs.

(The following is currently under some definitions of the term queerplatonic, but others agree these should be split up into another term; possibly Quasiplatonic; an alternative term for queerplatonic for those who want to avoid the gay interpretation of the word queer, but the prefix quasi does not actually reflect that and means the opposite; nor does the word platonic hold up under it either; as the word cannot include sex or romance)

A quasiplatonic relationship (QSPR/ QZPR) should mean a friends with benefits relationship that can involve making out and/or sex (though FWB should suffice, but it may be useful for people in committed FWBs who dislike the term because it’s commonly used without commitment).

A quasiromantic relationship (QSRR/ QZRR) should mean a relationship that someone does not want to call romantic because it is (accurately) QP to one and romantic to the other.

_{But currently it means this: "Someone who identifies as quasiromantic may see their attraction as non-traditional or may feel it differs from crushes, perhaps a mix between platonic, romantic, aesthetic, or somewhere completely different and/or it involves other non-traditional aspects, such as rare attraction, or attraction but non-physical, non-platonic but romantic, etc." I don't know how long it's been around; it's not too popular so i don't think that long (maybe because it doesn't make much sense) . So maybe this can be corrected. It doesn't really hold any of the quasi meanings either.}

And to clarify the remaining types of relationships that were not mentioned, a relationship does not need romantic attraction nor romantic desire to be romantic (nor does it need typical romantic things), it simply needs to have what is categorized as romance (even if mutual absence in romantic attraction is desired). Just like neither sexual attraction nor sexual desire are needed to have a sexual relationship; simply being sexually active is. So past the obvious mutual romantic attraction option that has atypical or hyporomantic/sparsely romantic things (and it still being a romantic relationship), if someone’s relationship resembles it enough and has no possible way of saying those things are applicable to normal friendship behaviors of any kind, then it is a romantic relationship. An example would be people who desire a FWB situation with queerplatonic characteristics; which is 99% the same as a normal romantic relationship minus the romantic feelings. Think of it like colors; there are many ways to make certain colors, but all those ways are still that one color.

[Avoj]

I mean I was physically or aesthetically attracted to her

By physical you mean sensual, right? Physical attraction is very vague; it can be intended and interpreted as several types of attraction and is normally used to mean sexual attraction, but it can also be used as aesthetic attraction or sensual attraction or a combination of them, so you see the problem. If you just like her aesthetics and mind then it just sounds like platonic admirance and not a squish; as that is the desire for better knowing someone. Aromantics can desire to making out, they just don't desire a romantic relationship-- though it's kinda more accurate to call it a kissing fetish because it doesn't correlate to orientation as it does in most people.

But here's a list of attractions:

There are 6 types of attraction. They're all typically felt with romantic attraction (and why there can be confusion between attractions) but they aren't needed to make it valid. They can all be felt separately, without romantic attraction, and in different combinations. The desire to act in a certain way can also be separate from the attraction (e.g. sexual attraction with no sexual desire/desire to act on it, or romantic desire with no romantic attraction), but having either of those means the person is sexual/romantic/gray.

· Sexual attraction - the impulse to have sex with a specific person; to do genital involving things to their body. Synonyms are sexually alluring, sexually appealing, sexually enticing, sexually tempting, etc.

· Romantic attraction - an emotion; so it doesn't translate well into words, but it can be inadequately put as soft/warm/fuzzy feelings with some degree of fixation (at least in comparison to one's normality with others). Some people have a physical reaction to the feeling and others don’t (i.e. butterflies in their stomach, heart rate increase, blushing, etc. [though those are also symptoms of platonic nervousness]). Others may react mentally with a dreamy mindset, anxious euphoria, infatuation, romantic fantasies, etc.

· Aesthetic attraction - the pull to look at someone because of their looks and/or mannerisms, which is different from recognizing good looks/what is aesthetically pleasing.

· Emotional attraction - the fixation on someone because of their emotions (optimism, stoicness, etc.), and by extent personality. I would compare it to having a favorite character or admirance.

· Sensual attraction - the impulse to have non-genital physical contact with someone specific. Platonically displaying this above the norm qualifies as a type of queerplatonic relationship (QPR). I would compare it to how many people have the urge to act toward their pet(s), though this term is typically applied to other humans. There are 3 forms of sensual attraction; platonic, romantic (which while similar; past making out obviously not being platonic, actually differ in the way it's done and the person's expression while doing so), and sexual (in the sense that it’s a kink done for sexual arousal, not because it includes sex/genital contact --which is under Gray-asexuality).

· Platonic attraction - (aka a friend crush or squish; a play on the romantic word crush) the impulse to further know or befriend someone specific. The desired bond can vary from being friends, to close friends, to best friends. It may include nervousness or admirance, and once the desired bond is reached the squish goes away.

· And it's possible to find someone charming without romantic attraction. (look up charming's definition/synonyms for further clarification)

· And not everyone is into making out (there are cultures that don’t have it), nor do people need romantic feelings to desire to make out (or be in a romantic relationship for that matter). So whether you do or don't desire it, it isn't an indicator of orientation.

· It’s also possible to feel queerplatonically about someone. A queerplatonic relationship (or one sided, a 'queerplatonic squish' aka 'queerplatonic crush') is a platonic relationship that has (or is desired to have) the characteristic(s) associated with a romantic relationship (excluding sex and making out). It can be an importance/closeness stronger than the best friend norm and/or displaying platonic sensual contact above the norm (which depending on the culture may include chaste kissing, although a person preferring chaste kissing or no kissing does not make them aromantic). Or in short, "super best friends." They may or may not have monogamy, live together, have kids, or be mistaken for a couple. Romantics and Aromantics can have QPRs. An example would be Turk and JD from Scrubs.

(The following is currently under some definitions of the term queerplatonic, but others agree these should be split up into another term; possibly Quasiplatonic; an alternative term for queerplatonic for those who want to avoid the gay interpretation of the word queer, but the prefix quasi does not actually reflect that and means the opposite; nor does the word platonic hold up under it either; as the word cannot include sex or romance)

A quasiplatonic relationship (QSPR/ QZPR) should mean a friends with benefits relationship that can involve making out and/or sex (though FWB should suffice, but it may be useful for people in committed FWBs who dislike the term because it’s commonly used without commitment).

A quasiromantic relationship (QSRR/ QZRR) should mean a relationship that someone does not want to call romantic because it is (accurately) QP to one and romantic to the other.

_{But currently it means this: "Someone who identifies as quasiromantic may see their attraction as non-traditional or may feel it differs from crushes, perhaps a mix between platonic, romantic, aesthetic, or somewhere completely different and/or it involves other non-traditional aspects, such as rare attraction, or attraction but non-physical, non-platonic but romantic, etc." I don't know how long it's been around; it's not too popular so i don't think that long (maybe because it doesn't make much sense) . So maybe this can be corrected. It doesn't really hold any of the quasi meanings either.}

And to clarify the remaining types of relationships that were not mentioned, a relationship does not need romantic attraction nor romantic desire to be romantic (nor does it need typical romantic things), it simply needs to have what is categorized as romance (even if mutual absence in romantic attraction is desired). Just like neither sexual attraction nor sexual desire are needed to have a sexual relationship; simply being sexually active is. So past the obvious mutual romantic attraction option that has atypical or hyporomantic/sparsely romantic things (and it still being a romantic relationship), if someone’s relationship resembles it enough and has no possible way of saying those things are applicable to normal friendship behaviors of any kind, then it is a romantic relationship. An example would be people who desire a FWB situation with queerplatonic characteristics; which is 99% the same as a normal romantic relationship minus the romantic feelings. Think of it like colors; there are many ways to make certain colors, but all those ways are still that one color.

I understand. After reading the list I think what I'm experiencing is a mix between aesthetic and sensual attraction. Those are the unique types of attractions I've ever felt.

[_Alys_]

Do you have fantasies of being in a romantic relationship with someone? Do you the desire for a partnership?

[Avoj]

Do you have fantasies of being in a romantic relationship with someone? Do you the desire for a partnership?

No desire. In fact, I have fantasies of being romantically alone forever. I can understand how some couples enjoy being romantically involved, however. And I think I could enjoy some kind of weird relationship of extreme confident in a woman who I could be engaged in some way, but not as a conventional girlfriend. That is the type of relationship I can have fantasies with.

A past relationship was broken because I was unable to behave as a boyfriend (no dating, cuddling, hand holding... only kissing, and only in some circumstances when I needed a more physical contact).

[Star Bit]

So as defined in the attractions elaboration, you may desire a queerplatonic relationship/have a queerplatonic squish.

[_Alys_]

Do you desire some kind of life partner? In a non romantic way?

[Avoj]

Do you desire some kind of life partner? In a non romantic way?

I don't desire a life partner to live with in the same apartment or to have children with or to get married. But I don't dislike the possibility of something much stronger than a friendship with a woman.

[Star Bit]

QPRs don't have to be borderline romantic (i.e. life partner-room mate-having kids) to be a QPR, so your desired friendship could still apply.

[Avoj]

Has anyone had similar experiences?

[Star Bit]

Yah, look up QPRs, it's very common