About to see a Gender Therapist

[KaitlynS]

I am meeting with an intake coordinator at an LGBT center next week, so he can help me pick out a therapist to see. I was told after that i would probably only have to do 1-3 sessions of therapy before my therapist gave me a letter, so i expect to start hrt within the next couple of months. Can anyone tell me what to expect from therapy and what kind of hrt changes to expect during the first few months?

If anyone started hrt while living with family can you tell me how they reacted when they learned you wanted to see a gender therapist and start hrt as well as how you helped them to become more accepting of it? I live with my dad and brother. I told my dad i wanted to see a gender therapist and do hrt. He said to do whatever i felt was right, but i don't think he is really comfortable with this and it bothers him.

[Kappamaki]

It's difficult to say how things will be because everything's so variable on every front. Some therapists are great, others awful; some families are wonderful from the get-go while others are hostile, etc.

If you're working with someone at an LGBT center to choose a therapist, there's a good chance they'll be pretty great! But (and I hate to be a doomsayer here) you don't know that they will be. Until you know you're safe with them, I honestly recommend you put honesty aside and do what you need to get what you need. Historically, health care was only given to trans girls and women who could prove to the cis doctors that they're entirely gender-conforming, straight, girly girls. You'd hope that today's health care providers have a more nuanced understanding of gender, but there are still some who will refuse care to anyone who doesn't seem gung-ho about being a 1950s housewife. The first person I went to to get a diagnosis and prescription for HRT refused to do so because I used weird words like "asexual" and "greyromantic" and "non-binary," words he didn't understand and spent his whole time arguing against. You know, the stupid "there are only two genders" and "everyone is straight or gay or maybe bisexual" arguments. He also didn't understand that getting HRT doesn't mean you must have genital surgery. The second person I went to was supportive and, you know, competent - she's great, really - but I'd been delayed for months. This all happened in 2015, not 1975. So my honest advice is to lie if you need to, because there's a chance you'll get an ignorant moron, and to try again somewhere else if you hit a setback. Still, don't go in expecting the worst - your therapist'll come with a recommendation from an LGBT center person who can hopefully point you towards someone good.

As for changes to expect in the first few months with HRT? Very little. Many people find that they are mentally relieved pretty much instantly. But there's not much physical change in the first few months of any HRT, and anything that does change is very subtle and gradual. I personally think that's a good thing. You can look up people's experiences on the Internet for more specifics.

Every family's different. The best generalized advice that I can give here is that your family is, too, undergoing a transition. This is a lot for them as well. It's probably a very good idea for them to see a gender therapist or someone to talk about this with, if nothing else so that their confusion can be assuaged and their fears can be put to rest. My family is supportive but my dad was very scared when I first brought up the idea. Something stupid about how I'd get cancer and die. He lashed out at me some, and talking to professionals (or authorities who aren't me) really helped him.

[Roboto]

Congrats Kaitlyn!

I'm a transguy from Germany, where one has to go to therapy for at least 6 months before starting hrt. Therapists here usually ask you about your childhood and your feelings towards your Gender. They just want to hear stereotypically female/male characteristics, to make sure they don't make a mistake by prescribing you hormones. My parents where accepting, until things started to get serious. When I had the letter from my therapist, my dad freaked out and my mother started a Last-Minute attempt to make me change my mind. They only stopped after I took hormones for a while, had first physical changes and didn't change completely or became ugly or whatever they feared would happen. So just do your thing, nomatter what your parents say, and show them that it's the right way for you. Good luck

[KaitlynS]

I have been going to a support group at that LGBT center sometimes and everyone there seems nice and realistic about how transgender people aren't all the same, and they know that trans people don't have to be super feminine or masculine. I also talked to someone who did their therapy there and she seemed happy about how her therapist treated her so I don't think I will have any problems with the therapist I get. It also only took her three months of therapy to get her letter, so I expect it to go somewhat fast. I might have a problem with my therapist though. I don't know. If I do I might try to find someone else there that I like better.

I think my dad will become more comfortable with this after taking hormones for a few months and I certainly hope he will if I seem happier. I hope to become happier when I start physically transitioning. I know that I may also become moodier though. I hope that this will reduce some of my depression and dysphoria. I will see if he wants to join me during a session, but I think he will only do it because I want him to not because he wants to. I don't think it will do much for him especially if I only see my therapist for a few sessions where they wont get much time to get to know me in great depth. He might think that since he has known me for 23 years (I am 23 by the way) the therapist doesn't know me as well as he does and maybe it wont convince him of anything.

I know that the changes will be slow and gradual especially when they are first trying to find the right doses and medication to get good hormone levels. It's probably a good thing that they are slow and gradual at first because then I can kind of ease my way onto them and the changes. It wont overwhelm me as much.

Off topic a little. Need to vent: I kind hate how my dad doesn't use my correct name and pronouns ever and yet almost complete strangers will. I am in college and today in my class the students were divided into groups. I told my group members that my name was Kaitlyn and they had no problems using that and one person even called me "she" when I didn't even tell them about my pronouns. I don't pass at all and she probably assumed I was transgender because of my name and was respectful enough to use female pronouns. Also people say the older generations have a harder time accepting transgender people like my dad who is 69 years old, but his brother, my uncle who is 73 has no problems with it at all. I just feel like the notion that older people can't accept us is crap and anyone can. I think though that my dad might be more accepting of me if I wasn't his kid. If I was someone else's kid I think it wouldn't bother him as much.

[butterflydreams]

As for changes to expect in the first few months with HRT? Very little. Many people find that they are mentally relieved pretty much instantly. But there's not much physical change in the first few months of any HRT, and anything that does change is very subtle and gradual. I personally think that's a good thing. You can look up people's experiences on the Internet for more specifics.

Can confirm 1000%. I don't want to be a downer for anyone expecting miracles, but I started HRT in August 2015, and didn't feel like I was really noticing physical changes until December or so. And the really great stuff has only kicked in since February. Now a lot of that is because I started at a low dose. About half of what I was eventually on by February.

But Kappa is absolutely correct about the mental improvement. My depression slammed into a brick wall when I started HRT. By the end of the second week, I was sure I was going to be able to get off antidepressants completely, and I did in October.

The physical changes are very gradual, but I found everything to be very pleasant. I wouldn't trade any of it.

Every family's different. The best generalized advice that I can give here is that your family is, too, undergoing a transition. This is a lot for them as well. It's probably a very good idea for them to see a gender therapist or someone to talk about this with, if nothing else so that their confusion can be assuaged and their fears can be put to rest. My family is supportive but my dad was very scared when I first brought up the idea. Something stupid about how I'd get cancer and die. He lashed out at me some, and talking to professionals (or authorities who aren't me) really helped him.

Yup. It's a very big change for your family too. But know that some people aren't going to want to change their opinions or feelings about it. My mom doesn't want to listen, or even talk to anyone about it. As far as she's concerned, it's not even happening. My dad is similar. I won't say that rejection from family doesn't hurt like hell, because it does, and it's in the back of my mind all the time. But you can survive. You can keep being you and if nothing else, show them that you're a healthy, happy person.

I hope to become happier when I start physically transitioning. I know that I may also become moodier though. I hope that this will reduce some of my depression and dysphoria.

That's pretty much the whole point, and I think if you're seriously on the path to this, then it probably will :)

For what it's worth, I don't feel like I'm moodier. It's more like I'm at peace with my emotions and how I'm feeling. Everything just flows. I feel natural, and right.

[Icelandic Gopnitsa]

What's a gender therapist?

[Heart]

What's a gender therapist?

It's just like a normal therapist, except with a speciality in gender. The difference between a general therapist and a gender therapist is like the difference between a family doctor and a specialist: a family doctor will likely be able to help with most of the most common things, but will send you off to a specialist if you need something specific (eg an eye doctor if you have bad vision). A therapist can help with general things, but a gender therapist specialises in gender and can help you with figuring out your gender, but also with figuring out and implementing your transition (if you choose to have one).

Congrats on the progress Kaitlyn! This is exciting. I have no advice, since I have not been down this path myself, but I'm so happy you're taking steps to be yourself

[KaitlynS]

@Hadley

When i said moodier i meant that i have heard people say they are more likely to cry at sad things and like you said more at peace with one's emotions and how they are feeling.

@Heart

I am really happy to be doing this but at the same time I am kind of worried about my future like financially because I am finishing college in a few months and I have never had a job before, and being in the process of transitioning I am worried a little about getting a job. Also everything in life has increased so much in price that hormones are another expense that I will have to worry about being able to afford.

[butterflydreams]

@Hadley

When i said moodier i meant that i have heard people say they are more likely to cry at sad things and like you said more at peace with one's emotions and how they are feeling.

Yeah, I've always been a pretty emotional person, so I guess I didn't really notice an increase in anything other than increased acceptance of it. It's possible that more things might become emotional triggers for you, but I don't think you'd find that unpleasant. And it's far from the kind of thing that will be annoying to others :)

[Heart]

@Heart

I am really happy to be doing this but at the same time I am kind of worried about my future like financially because I am finishing college in a few months and I have never had a job before, and being in the process of transitioning I am worried a little about getting a job. Also everything in life has increased so much in price that hormones are another expense that I will have to worry about being able to afford.

I hear you on all that. I'm in my PhD right now, but I have my own little transition plan that I'm only now starting to act officially on. I worry about how it will affect my studies, how it will be paid for (transitions on the binary can be paid for with health insurance, but mine is nonbinary... can I still get it paid for? I only barely make enough money to stay afloat now, I couldn't afford it myself if any of the things were officially classified as "elective" and I had to pay... and I just can't see myself being happy while waiting for four more years to even just start saving up if I need to pay myself). I haven't even really gotten to the point where I worry about how people will see me for it, in job interviews and stuff... Aya.

*hugs in solidarity*

Please do let us (or just me, in a PM, if you want to keep it more private) how it goes. I would like to know what kinds of things gender therapists do in particular, I have been wondering for some time if I should ask my councellor or doctor to refer me to one. However, there are only two in my province, and one serves my city and the other serves literally the rest of the province. They both have long wait lists...

[KaitlynS]

I was told that each session would only cost $12, so that was nice. I expect to figure out which therapist I will be seeing within the next week probably. Then I will do weekly sessions if I do more than one session.

[KaitlynS]

This sucks!!! My new therapist just called me and said i could meet with him today, but i'm sick and I don't feel like getting dressed and leaving the house. I also have a midterm tomorrow, so this is like the worst possible time for me to get sick. I made an appointment with him for next Tuesday, but I'm thinking if I feel any better tomorrow I will try to reschedule my appointment for this next Thursday if he is still available that day. I kinda don't want to meet with him if I am still sick, but I am really anxious to see him and get my letter.

[Chardog]

@Hadley

When i said moodier i meant that i have heard people say they are more likely to cry at sad things and like you said more at peace with one's emotions and how they are feeling.

Yeah, I've always been a pretty emotional person, so I guess I didn't really notice an increase in anything other than increased acceptance of it. It's possible that more things might become emotional triggers for you, but I don't think you'd find that unpleasant. And it's far from the kind of thing that will be annoying to others :)

One of my fears about T is acting out aggressively. There are times I get so angry that I literally want to cause physical harm to people- but currently have the restraint not to. I think this is a combination of the internal make programming and a lifetime of psychological abuse (I avoid conflict because I can't verbally defend myself, I shut down and want to curl up in a ball and cry vs if someone started a physical altercation with me <which hasn't happened outside my family beyond childhood> you could bet on me the one to finish it). It isn't one of the major concerns that makes transition unappealing, but I think it might be like throwing lighter fluid on a fire and I might not be able to control my reactions.

[dissolved]

@char

That's one of my concerns too. I don't really need much to snap now, and I'm worried that my temper will get even shorter once I start testosterone, but that's all it's meant to do - make you quicker to snap, not make you actually more aggressive.

[Guest]

If it makes you guys feel any better, I can't stop myself from sobbing and/or snapping at ridiculous shit during my special monthly time... hormones are weird, but we all have them and they make us all act like morons sometimes ;)

[butterflydreams]

This sucks!!! My new therapist just called me and said i could meet with him today, but i'm sick and I don't feel like getting dressed and leaving the house. I also have a midterm tomorrow, so this is like the worst possible time for me to get sick. I made an appointment with him for next Tuesday, but I'm thinking if I feel any better tomorrow I will try to reschedule my appointment for this next Thursday if he is still available that day. I kinda don't want to meet with him if I am still sick, but I am really anxious to see him and get my letter.

*hugs* that's how these things so often go. I hope you'll be feeling better and will be able to meet with him and get this ball rolling soon.

@char

That's one of my concerns too. I don't really need much to snap now, and I'm worried that my temper will get even shorter once I start testosterone, but that's all it's meant to do - make you quicker to snap, not make you actually more aggressive.

The way I look at it is that emotions of all sorts need to be managed. You can't be out and about flying off the handle or bawling your eyes out unpredictably at all sorts of things. Cis men and women manage to do this just fine on average, and trans people can too. It can be a scary adjustment, but it's an opportunity for emotional growth. I know I'm learning not to ignore my feelings, because they feel more real now. Do some things hit me a lot harder than they used to? Yes. But that's all part of being an adult. If I really have a problem, I can excuse myself to the bathroom, or my car. Handle it and back in action when I'm ready.

But all of this stuff is good for self growth. If you feel you have a temper problem, testosterone isn't going to affect that any more than you let it. A temper problem is a challenge for an individual to overcome, and they'll be stronger for doing so :)

[KaitlynS]

I did my first session with my gender therapist. He was nice and he told me i would probably only have to do two more sessions before he felt comfortable writing me my letter. That first session was mostly just getting an idea of who I was and the next session is suppose to go a little more into depth about some things. I am meeting with him again next Tuesday.

He wanted me to think about going on anti-depressants before going on hormones. I have struggled with depression for many years now and I tried to get help with it earlier this year. I kept having problems with anti-depressants so I am kinda hesitant about starting them again due to the side effects, but I am also hesitant because I would have to put off my hormones. Hormones have the possibility of making depression worse so I don't want that to happen, but I feel like starting hormones and making those physical changes could also help reduce my depression and dysphoria.

[Heart]

*hugs* Thank you for the update, and I'm glad the first session went well! Don't be afraid to let him know about your feelings about depression meds. He can't find an alternative or decide it's worth it if he doesn't know

[butterflydreams]

Glad to hear it at least didn't go poorly. That's great :)

He wanted me to think about going on anti-depressants before going on hormones. I have struggled with depression for many years now and I tried to get help with it earlier this year. I kept having problems with anti-depressants so I am kinda hesitant about starting them again due to the side effects, but I am also hesitant because I would have to put off my hormones. Hormones have the possibility of making depression worse so I don't want that to happen, but I feel like starting hormones and making those physical changes could also help reduce my depression and dysphoria.

As usual, your mileage may vary, but 2 (maybe 3?) years of antidepressants did nothing for me, and it was HRT that finally put a real bottom floor on my depression. I won't say that it's gone, because it's not, but I do see things more clearly now. And most importantly, even at my darkest points, I still feel like my life is worth living. Not a life, my life.

This isn't to say that HRT is a replacement for antidepressants, or a doctor's advice. It isn't. But for me, it's been and continues to be very positive. Knowing how awful depression is, I'd hate to see someone else suffer with it unnecessarily. And I'd hate to see someone struggle with the accepted treatment of antidepressants even if they weren't working.

I kind of look back on everything in hindsight and say to myself, "yeah, no shit you were depressed. Anyone would be in your situation. I'm proud of you for doing what needed to be done to truly help yourself."