Sweetcat1993 Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 I am at a complete loss of feelings and not sure where to go with what I do have. I am in a lesbian relationship (3 years next month), she is my life. But the problem starts with sex. I can go weeks without anything, and honestly I'm fine with cuddling but her she is a sexual and she needs sex. It's her form of release (no pun intended).. Last night she was over some girl's apt that she works with and had some form of sex. Not sure about details nor do I really want to know at this point. Not really sure if this should be the end of the relationship, or if I should just let it happen since I can't provide what she needs. I have explained that I am asexual, and she said it's no problem but 90% of our arguments are over sex. At a complete loss and not sure what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Mike_Rophone Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 From what I hear, having a third party provide sexual release for the sexual person isn't too uncommon. She should ask you if you feel comfortable with her having sex with someone else. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, you two should compromise some other way. Hope this helps! Link to post Share on other sites
binary suns Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 it's up to you - what is too much? if her cheating on you isn't ok, and becoming more active isn't ok either, than I say call it quits. but if you think that you can handle either of those - give it a try. maybe there are other options too. I'm sorry I could only think of the two. (three: calling it off; letting it be open; or trying to spice it up enough for her) oh, let me add in a personal experience: I had a partner once. I had no feelings for her, but I admired her strength and character, and she liked me enough to keep chasing me, so I went a long to see where it'd go. eventually we got pretty active in bed. apparantly, she loved it :o but I felt so weird and disconnected the whole time. but what I did was - I kept trying to figure it out, I guess it was kind of like a game, and I like games. I tried my best to "fake it til I make it" - and that's a legit strategy :) so if you think you're ok to find a way to spice things up - go ahead and give it a shot, you never know, you might be able to learn her body and needs well enough that giving her release is rewarding enough to give you a reason to help her that way xD Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetcat1993 Posted June 28, 2016 Author Share Posted June 28, 2016 it's up to you - what is too much? if her cheating on you isn't ok, and becoming more active isn't ok either, than I say call it quits. but if you think that you can handle either of those - give it a try. maybe there are other options too. I'm sorry I could only think of the two. (three: calling it off; letting it be open; or trying to spice it up enough for her) Sadly I've tried to become more sexual with her.. It's like she doesn't find me appealing enough to do anything with me. It hurts to know that I try to make her happy, and yet she runs to someone else. Still not sure if I want to end it. Or if I'm open into letting her bring someone else into the relationship. Haven't seen her since last night so that has a lot to do with my unsureness. But I needed input on what others have done or others ideas, because I can't think straight. Link to post Share on other sites
binary suns Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 I've never been in a situation where I had to consider an open relationship. I think that I would be ok in one, maybe, I don't really know. it sounds risky to me... but there was a time where I thought, I'm not horny enough for others apparently, so maybe I should encourage my next partner to sleep around a little. maybe even be in a multiparnter relationship or something. or maybe find someone looking for threesomes, and be the morale support sometimes xD I don't know you or your partner all that well, but from the sounds of it, it sounds like there's already a rift. I'm sure that's something that could possibly be worked through.... but I don't have high hopes. I do hope if things do split, that it doesn't hurt too much. and I do hope that maybe some words next time you see her, help find a way to resolve it. hopefully someone with better experience than me, can come along with some thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
DragonflytotheMoon Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 Hi, Cat. My husband & I are poly. My other relationships don't involve sex. More friendship, romance, maybe, a bit sensual. As a Grace, I'm not completely opposed to being somewhat sexual. I just haven't been in a relationship with a woman long enough for us to explore that possibility. My husband hasn't seen anyone else, though, he knows he's welcome to. With poly, both partners don't need to take up the option, they just need to be agreeable to it. Open & honest communication is paramount with this. Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetcat1993 Posted June 29, 2016 Author Share Posted June 29, 2016 Hi, Cat. My husband & I are poly. My other relationships don't involve sex. More friendship, romance, maybe, a bit sensual. As a Grace, I'm not completely opposed to being somewhat sexual. I just haven't been in a relationship with a woman long enough for us to explore that possibility. My husband hasn't seen anyone else, though, he knows he's welcome to. With poly, both partners don't need to take up the option, they just need to be agreeable to it. Open & honest communication is paramount with this. Hello mega The thing that I was thinking about with in the last hour or so. Is wouldn't she get attached to said person or persons. I've talked to her but still broken. Have yet to see her. And actually talk about it. Sucks having opposite schedules. But I'm just worried if I do allow this to continue that attachment then separation down the road. If we brake up I want it to be an even brake not long and drawn out. If it works for some why wouldn't it work for me. I'm just worried about long term Has anyone been in a long term relationship where others are involved? How did it turn out or how is it going ??? Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 It's like she doesn't find me appealing enough to do anything with me As a sexual, I'd guess it's more likely that she knows you're not enjoying yourself. She may well feel guilty at your discomfort with what she wants, so she doesn't initiate. And our partner's enjoyment feeds our own enjoyment - for most sexuals it's of pretty much equal importance to our own, as sex is a deeply intimate, shared experience for us - so knowing you don't want to do it, even if you're willing to go along with it, will make the whole experience very, very bittersweet (at best) for her. That could be another reason she may be pulling away. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 Has anyone been in a long term relationship where others are involved? How did it turn out or how is it going ??? Been in an open/poly relationship that lasted six and a half years, and was mostly happy. R. and I never once had sex, but she was with other partners - sexually and emotionally - during this time. I would not have had it any other way - I'm thoroughly poly (even though I wasn't with anyone else during these years, that was down to me hardly ever being compatible with anyone, not due to any lack of being open to the possibility), and since she's "poly-flexible", we just rejected monogamy/exclusivity from day one. Eventually we did end up breaking up, as she did end up being sad about the additional "next level" we would never have, and which kept being easy to achieve both in the relationships she witnessed her friends having, and with the other folks she partnered up with... but neither of us regrets having been in our relationship, looking back on it. And I think that six+ mostly solidly happy years is a pretty damn good run, even for 'ships that don't have to deal with mixed orientations. :) Link to post Share on other sites
henshin Posted June 30, 2016 Share Posted June 30, 2016 Dude, my honest advice is to break up with her. From your posts it doesn't sound like this girl is the love of your life or that without her you would be devastated and unable to function, you haven't talked about how wonderful she is or how much the relationship means to you, and maybe you are thinking those things which is fair enough, but if you're not then it sounds like you're not really into this relationship any more than she seems to be. There is also a world of difference between cheating on someone and being poly. Poly people can still cheat! Being poly is about discussing with your partner your emotional, romantic and sexual needs, agreeing boundaries and rules, respect and communication. The reason cheating makes people feel like shit is that it doesn't involve any of these things. If you do talk to your girl and decide to take things forward in a poly relationship then you will both have lots of work to do, and it won't just be about you accommodating her desire to fuck other people, it will also be about her looking after your feelings and making sure you feel loved, supporting, secure and trusting. Don't take no shit! Link to post Share on other sites
Beth_Altair4 Posted July 4, 2016 Share Posted July 4, 2016 Hi, you can't guarantee they won't get emotionally involved if your partner has ...its basically a poly relationship for them at that point. It's a big jump but that's not a bad thing if everyone is on the same page. There is nothing to say the sexual relationships will last or even go smoothly though. They may be different but that doesn't mean they have to be more important than your relationship together. Link to post Share on other sites
Fire & Rain Posted July 4, 2016 Share Posted July 4, 2016 It's still cheating to do so without your knowledge unless you have given them a pass to have sex with anyone at any time as they please. Cheating or not it depends on you. If you see it as a problem, then it's a problem. I don't care much about my partners (exes and current one) having sex outside of the relationship (with my knowledge) especially if they weren't getting any from me. Link to post Share on other sites
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