I feel a bit smothered sometimes..

[Tarfeather]

So today, I had a really busy day. Went to work early, had an appointment with a psychologist in the middle of the day, went back to work right after. I didn't expect to be so busy with work today, and I don't have private email at work, nor does my girlfriend have a phone she carries around, so I couldn't tell her I wouldn't be coming to uni until the afternoon.

When I came to uni at the afternoon, she'd already left me two mails, one telling me that she was wondering where I was and how much she missed me, the other just very brief and without our usual "hab dich lieb", just telling me she's leaving for home. Well, that already made it very clear she was upset, and now she's not responding to my mails, so I guess she's really upset.

And tommorow I'll make her a nice meal she likes and bring it to her at uni, to remind her that she's really important to me and I care about her a lot. And I'm looking forward to doing that, because it's true, and I enjoy expressing my affection for her, especially when she's feeling down.

But it's just.. I don't know. On Sunday she was over at my place, and we did some intimate things, and doing that is really important to me. But it also always sharply reminds me that she doesn't desire me. And I can deal with that, but it's very exhausting, and I think after such a day together I just need some more time away from her, for myself. Which is probably part of the reason I got so absorbed at work today, it allowed me to do something nice and simple, and socialize with people in a safe and easy way, and not have to think about anything sex or love.

And I'm sure if I'd just sent her a short mail, it'd all have been fine.

It just does feel a bit smothering, to not be able to "disappear" for half a day, without writing her a message and letting her know.

And that's unusual for me, I think normally I'd prefer to be that "close". But I think the sexual incompatibility is making me want a little more distance. Which I personally don't have an issue with, nor do I think it threatens the relationship, but I'm guessing we'll have to renegotiate our relationship a little around that fact.

[Telecaster68]

Here's my take on that, which obviuosly might be wrong.

She had a nice time at the weekend, but sensed you were a bit strained over The Sex Thing, and was feeling a bit insecure, so she acted more needy, whether or not she intended to or even realised it.

But half a day isn't long to be out of contact, barely counts in my view, and I can understand the smothered feeling.

And the absence of sex will increase the distance you feel. That's what it does for sexuals - we need it to feel close, and however much we understand that rationally the absence of being desired doesn't mean we're not loved, or our partners don't feel close, it's still there at a deeper level. You learn to live with it or not.

[zoom]

OK, I think it is totally weird to be upset about lack of contact so short... especially if you both have "technical problems"!

[Homer]

My thought is that (both of) you were just unlucky today. Just one of those days...

There are days that just go down the drain where you are desperate for words or actions of one specific person. If said person can't provide the comfort needed, it's upsetting. Maybe your GF had a rather bad day and would have needed you being there, just being Tar. You couldn't, for obvious reasons (which clearly are valid, of course) but things like that still sting no matter how much aware of those very valid reasons she might be.

Seems like the needs of the two of you were contradicting today. Things like that happen, they are happening in friendships as well and they're indeed getting to your nerves.

As long as this won't become a regular occurance and as long you can talk things over openly, you're fine.

Tomorrow's another day and cooking a meal for her is a really good idea in particular as it shows that you're putting some effort in.

[Tarfeather]

She had a nice time at the weekend, but sensed you were a bit strained over The Sex Thing, and was feeling a bit insecure, so she acted more needy, whether or not she intended to or even realised it.

Yes, that's probably true.. Also annoying, because I made it a point to tell her how grateful I am to her that she goes as far as she does, and that I don't expect her to do even that. But.. oh well.

I think she's also a bit insecure because recently she introduced me to her sister, and we ended up talking a lot about our respective difficulties in dealing with her mental problems. Those problems become a lot more apparent, when there's two "normal" people in the group, who are giving each other exasperated looks when she does <weird thing X>. Thing is, I do think it's important for her to not forget that it's not at all normal what she does, and that the people in her life are doing a great deal to accomodate her. But on the other hand, I guess after such a realization, she needs more support than usual.

But half a day isn't long to be out of contact, barely counts in my view, and I can understand the smothered feeling.

Ya, it goes down to what Homer said I think.

And the absence of sex will increase the distance you feel. That's what it does for sexuals - we need it to feel close, and however much we understand that rationally the absence of being desired doesn't mean we're not loved, or our partners don't feel close, it's still there at a deeper level. You learn to live with it or not.

I think it's more, we need it to feel close in a certain way. There are other ways to feel close, that are perfectly possible still.

[Tarfeather]

She said she was upset, but she didn't want to be upset. All is well now. ;)