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Using a name that's different than your legal one / Changing my name


Finn.

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At least two months ago I started going by Finn online, and about a month ago I also started using this name with close friends irl. It's going great so far and I'm really euphoric about it.

Next time I visit my parents I want to tell them that I go by this name amongst my friends now. I don't want to come out to my whole family (ever, probably) so I guess I will go by my birth name there still.

Now I am faced with having to figure out when to use Finn and when I have to use my birth name. For example, at the hairdressers. They have my address on their computer for savings and stuff. I feel uncomfortable using my birth name. I'm going to move in a few months anyway so I will just leave it the way it is, but can I just go by Finn at the new one after moving? What if they want to mail something to this name?

Also work. I will probably work somewhere where most people go by their first names. So do you think it's possible I can tell everyone I prefer this name? Or do I have to stay undercover?

Like, since I go by Finn my old name increasingly bothers me which I hadn't anticipated. I had planned on keeping it a friend nickname sorta thing but now I just want to use it as much as possible. Where is it necessary to go by my legal name?

I would totally change it legally. But that's complicated in Germany, especially as a nonbinary person. I would need to be diagnosed with gender dysporia, but I'm not binary trans / ftm so I don't think any therapist would do that? (and I dislike the whole idea of getting diagnosed). Otherwise changing your name is only possible when there's "severe reasons". And I don't think having a religious name as a queer atheist and having people making jokes about your name counts as "severe" enough? Also Finn is a mainly masculine name and that would be an issue as well, as I don't intent to change my legal gender to male.

I am just really confused and frustrated. So if anybody has any tips or ideas or even experience with this, I would be so grateful!

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Out of curiosity, are you a fan of Adventure Time? Just asking 'cause when I hear the name Finn, I think of Finn The Human. Not that there'd be anything wrong with that. I chose my female name based on two of my favorite fictional characters.

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Hm, things are different in the UK where you can change your name on a whim for less than the price of a pair of shoes. I didn't know the laws across Europe were different~

Nicknames are so common that I honestly don't think anyone would bat an eyelid if you just introduced yourself as 'Hey, my name's [Chuck Berry] but everyone calls me Finn'. I think they'd probably just go with it, especially seen as nicknames are usually much easier to remember than normal names for being more unique. Every time someone introduces themselves with a nickname I am silently thankful that I won't have to struggle so hard to remember their name ^_^

Hairdressers and other optional services, I'd advise the same, but for more official appointments such as seeing a doctor I think sticking with your first name is probably wise, though I'd imagine they would use your surname anyway~

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butterflydreams

Unfortunately you're in Germany so I don't know if my experiences will be of any use to you, but I'll tell you what I know.

For businesses, like the hair dresser, you can go by whatever you want. As long as you're giving them money they won't care. If they already have a customer record for you, it's kind of a toss up about whether or not it'll be easy to change it or worth the potential confusion, but generally they can and will.

Work should be no problem either. We actually have a guy where I work who's legal name is Dave, but he prefers to go by Carl. It's totally ok, and no one cares.

In the US, you can have something mailed to any name you want. As long as the rest of the address is good, you'll get it. I do this all the time. I can also deposit checks made out to Hadley, even though that's not my legal name. I can even write a check, and sign it as Hadley because as long as the account and routing numbers are good, the bank won't care. I even have a company credit card in my name and no one cares. I use it all the time.

Any time I have a question about whether I can use my name or not, I google search for the same thing but for people who changed their last names in marriage. That's a way more common thing and people have all sorts of discussions about every possible scenario. Sorry to hear changing it is so hard in Germany. Maybe that's something that will get better.

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You can totally go by Finn at work - I have a FTM friend who has something like: LEGAL FIRST NAME (Preferred name) LEGAL LAST NAME on his resume so that when interviewing, the interviewer knows that they have a different name they'd like to be called.

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Not being in Germany I'm not sure how much help this will be for you, but as I haven't changed my legal name I thought I would share this with you anyway. My surname is still my family name, but I have a preferred name which is used now in most places.

My legal name, which I totally hate, I only use for interaction with the government. So my drivers licence, passport, the electoral role, and places where I need to use my National Insurance number (Social Security number). Everywhere else I use my preferred name.

My bank account is in my preferred name, although this wasn't the easiest to set up as I needed ID to do so, but was able to get around this by having other things set up first which gave me bills and letters with my preferred name on.

My work ID badge is in my preferred name, although they also have my legal name on file in HR. I just explained to work that I am not known by my legal name and therefore would prefer to be known by them by my preferred name. It was reasonably straightforward to set up in my new job, although it was a lot more difficult in the job where I was working when I was originally making the change.

All my bills are in my preferred name, mostly straightforward to set up.

My health records are in both names, my legal name with a known as part attached. I've never had a problem with this once it was set up as they generally ask for date of birth and surname to locate my records anyway.

Incidental things, such as hair dressers, nail salon, restaurant bookings, store points cards, were by far the easiest to change as they really don't care and don't carry out any checks whatsoever.

I've never had any problems with recieving post in my preferred name. The post office don't actually care as long as it has a correct address on the items. Even my cat gets occasional post with no problems too! The only time I had to consider the post more carefully was when I moved house and applied to have my post redirected to the new address. That is done off the name on the mail, so I just filled in the form and put both names on there for being redirected. I'm not sure if that changed the cost, but it was a one off thing anyway and I needed to do it so just got on with it. It was never queried or anything anyway.

When I was starting exploring moving things over to my preferred name, I started small with the incidentals and gradually worked my way through to the bigger things which I expected to be more complicated. Once I started hitting problems that couldn't be worked around or resolved with a bit of discussion and thought then I drew the line there and everything above that line stayed as my legal name.

Getting people to call me by my preferred name has been a challenge, especially people who have known me my whole life. Occasionally I still get someone calling me by my legal name, but it isn't too often any more, mainly relatives I don't have much contact with or my mum when she is really cross with me.

It has been a long process to do this, and had I gone down the legal name change route it would have been a lot easier, but while I don't feel attached to my legal name, I also see it as part of who I am and don't want to be completely free from it. I do unintentionally completely ignore anyone saying it though because hearing it out loud is totally alien to me now.

Hope this is of some use to you. Maybe one day Germany will make things a bit easier, but until then hopefully you can find a work around process that works for you.

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"... having a religious name as a queer atheist and having people making jokes about your name..." I would definitely consider this as severe enough because it causes daily psychological distress. I, too, am changing my name and psychological distress is one of the reason I am putting on my application (am also an atheist with a religious name + had an emotionally abusive childhood that my name constantly reminds me of and from which I want to distance myself).

I've already changed my name/email address on all the things I could, but have to wait for the legal name change to do my driver's licence, passport, and bank accounts. Haven't changed it at work because I know none of my co-workers will understand and I've no desire to explain anything to them (they don't know about my childhood). So far, I've only told one person irl about my new name and she is trying to use it even though it feels weird for her after having known me for so many years under my still-legal name.

I think the important thing to remember is that it will take time, to try to be patient about it, and not to give up on it if this is really what you want.

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Um... haven't really got anything to say except I like the name "Finn" a lot.

Also good luck :cake:

I have thought about changing my name to Charlie but I haven't had the courage so far. I don't even know if I'd like the sound of it irl.

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TheStarrySkai

I don't live in Germany so I don't know how it is there. However here is what I do:

[note I have not changed my legal name yet]

Everyone calls me by Kai [my chosen name]. Family, friends, professors, doctors, ect.

With the doctor's office I'm in the system as [birth name] Kai Retana Montero. I've known the staff for years though so I'm pretty friendly with them. Plus my general doctor is suuper trans friendly soo... yea

For non-important [by that I mean, amazon account, hair dressers, stuff that isn't all medical and legal] I just go by Kai. They have no reason to know my birth name.

For work I am in the system as my birth name, I asked my boss personally for me to be able to publicly be referred to as Kai. Although I have it easy too. At one of my jobs my dad is the general store manager and the other one is a day camp and my boss has a gay son that is filming a trans documentary.

Anywayyyy you can do that.

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Thanks for the replies! I have to make this short because I need to leave for work, sorry.

So no, I didn't have Adventure Time in mind when I chose it, not even Star Wars actually (or Glee). All of these had been brought up immediately by my friends though =) But I'm fine with all these associations, I actually like Star wars Finn quite a lot so there's that.

Thanks for telling me about your experiences! It's kind of gives me strength to continue doing this. And maybe I will try the queer religious reason to change my name legally next year.

I'm happy to hear that the mail thing is no problem, and I'm surprised that amazon and other things cause no problems either! So I'm probably just going to take further steps over time and see how far I come without the legal name change.

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So after a really stressful week I can add to my last post.

All your answers were a great relief for me, thanks! Sometimes I doubt my decision to use a new/different name, because it makes things complicated, and I don't like complicated. But it's also obvious how much more I like this name.

I got a job offer and another promising job interview coming. I don't know yet where I will end up, but I am planning on asking about whether I can go by Finn there as soon as I'll have signed the contract. I don't want to come out as trans or anything, but just state that I would prefer to go / usually go by Finn. Because I would want to introduce myself as such to my coworkers and people I treat. I don't want to wear a name tag with my birth name on it, and I assume I will have to wear one at at least one of the jobs. As I only applied to non-religious places I a hopeful this will work out.

I'll keep you updated of course.

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I got a job offer and another promising job interview coming. I don't know yet where I will end up, but I am planning on asking about whether I can go by Finn there as soon as I'll have signed the contract. (...)

I don't want to wear a name tag with my birth name on it.

I think this is something you should ponder bringing up at the job interview. As if it were no big deal. Like: "By the way, I would like to be called Finn, I prefer it to / have issues with [birth name]. Do you think it would be possible to put that name on my name tag?"

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@ Charlie AA: I don't know. It's weird to address it with people I'm on the last name basis with you know? Because with the people at the interview my first name doesn't come up. First name and duzen only happens with clients and colleagues. So I thought I would only bring it up when it's becoming an issue for sure. And the last job interview was for a kindergarten so no name tag. But I expect it to be a thing at the retirement home. I had to wear one at my internship at the rehabilitation anyway.

And honestly, I don't want this to lower my chances of getting a/the job. Idk.

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Huh. At every job interview I've ever done, it's been on a first name basis once we introduce ourselves to each other. I'd suggest just casually mentioning "I prefer Finn" the first time your first name is used or asked for. You don't need to explain it unless they ask, and if they do you can just shrug and say "It's just what people call me, I guess" or something similar. I've met people with nicknames that have nothing to do with their legal name, and it never causes undue thought at least in my part of the world. Of course, in my part of the world there is also a lot of multiculturalism, so where someone's legal name may be "Ying", they may prefer "Charles", so people rarely bat an eye if someone's preferred name is nothing like their legal name, even if you don't appear to be a different ethnicity. I guess we've all just gotten used to it.

*shrug* If it were me, I'd just say "I prefer Finn" and leave it at that unless they asked. Having a nickname that everyone calls you is probably more normal than you think, and the fact that yours is maybe a bit more odd than usual doesn't have to be a big deal.

Good luck! Both with your name things, and with your job interviews :cake:

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Huh. At every job interview I've ever done, it's been on a first name basis once we introduce ourselves to each other.

Not in Germany. I can't imagine a job interview here where you'd call someone by their first name. It's all "Mr. Johnson" or "Mrs. Williams", which is especially "awesome" for nb people.

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Huh. At every job interview I've ever done, it's been on a first name basis once we introduce ourselves to each other.

Not in Germany. I can't imagine a job interview here where you'd call someone by their first name. It's all "Mr. Johnson" or "Mrs. Williams", which is especially "awesome" for nb people.

Also it's different with your boss. At the retirement home I worked in the past everybody was on first name and "du" basis but our boss. With the exception of two people she was friends with, everybody used the formal you and last name. (we referred to her by her first name when she was not present though, idk).

Looks like I'll take the job at the kindergarten, but I'll still go to the job interview tomorrow. So should I mention it to them at all? Since they won't ever call me by my first name? Or just tell people at the actual kindergarten itself?

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*shrug* If it were me, I'd just say "I prefer Finn" and leave it at that unless they asked. Having a nickname that everyone calls you is probably more normal than you think, and the fact that yours is maybe a bit more odd than usual doesn't have to be a big deal.

Good luck! Both with your name things, and with your job interviews :cake:

I guess you're right.

Thanks!

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Looks like I'll take the job at the kindergarten, but I'll still go to the job interview tomorrow. So should I mention it to them at all? Since they won't ever call me by my first name? Or just tell people at the actual kindergarten itself?

The latter.

Ich wünsch dir viel Erfolg - and tell us how it went, will you?

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So it went well! The whole day was a mess, with the trains and all, but the actual interview went well. But the whole job conditions aren't really appealing, the other job is just way better. So tomorrow morning I'll send them a mail and make another appointment for signing the contract!

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The other job is just way better. So tomorrow morning I'll send them a mail and make another appointment for signing the contract!

The kindergarten job?

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Yay! Congrats on having your choice of job :D I hope the contract signing goes well. You should celebrate somehow, maybe go out for dinner or get yourself a small treat that you wouldn't normally get, for dessert ^_^

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Thank you!

Yeah, it's the kindergarten job. It has much better conditions and I can actually live with my best friend again because our workplaces are close enough. So yay!

Well, it's not really the time for celebration. Today's my grandfather's funeral, so I'm at my parents for a few days. (And now I made everyone sad, great)

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Well, I hope your grandfather's ceremony goes well. And when you get the mental space and chance, I hope you also get some time to be happy about your new job.

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So I signed my work contract on thursday! I'm really excited (though really nervous too) about this. I haven't talked to anyone about the name thing for now, all the people I talked to so far I was on a last name basis with. And I will start there in three months so there's plenty of time to make a plan/decision.

I will celebrate a bit more this weekend! There's (the smallest) pride in our town today and I want to bake tomorrow. So that will be nice!

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Gentle Giant

Sorry for the loss of your grandfather. Congrats on the new job! Good luck to you!

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I know I'm late to the parade (I took the weekend off), but CONGRATULATIONS!!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Mmh. I told my mom that my friends are calling me Finn now. That there's no real chance for me to change it legally (unless I want to get diagnosed with dysphoria and all that stuff) and that I don't want the whole family to know about it (we have a complicated family dynamic). She was like "I'm still gonna call you *birth name*, right?", I mean it was sort of a question, sort of not really. I don't want my parents to call me Finn anyway because then I would have to tell all my family, but that was frustrating, that she immediately excluded herself from this name change, you know.

Then I rambled on about maybe introducing myself as Finn at my new work. And she said "to be totally honest, which I am allowed to, right?", that she thinks I should keep this Finn thing private and only use it as a nickname amongst friends, in order to "not make it unneccessarily difficult for me".

Yeah I was a bit down after that. So I didn't tell my father although I wanted them both to now. I am just too exhausted for now.

Maybe it's because of this, but right now I'm leaning more towards introducing myself with my birth name at work.

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Hi Finn. It's totally your decision, but if you truly want others to know you as "Finn" you should go for it regardless of what your mother thinks. She may have given you your birth name, but that doesn't make it hers. Your name belongs to you and you have the right to change it if that's what you desire. It might make things more complicated, but do you believe that the outcome is worth the complication? If you do, I suggest that you stick to your original plan in this thread of asking people to call you "Finn".

You only get one life. Make it something you'll enjoy. :)

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I agree with Nai.

Reading your post made me sad.

I mean, you want to be called Finn, what's the problem? How does it affect your mum what your colleagues call you? She just has to know who they're talking about.

I have a scout nick name and my parents know about it, so it's no problem when someone from my scout group calls.

Maybe you could even ask your (extended) family to call you Finn and just pretend it's a stupid nickname. Nicknames are sometimes weird, so they might eventually except you being called Finn even though they think you're female. I know people with nicknames like Lachs (a female), Senf, and Jeti. You might invent some crazy story about how your friends started calling you Finn and now that you got used to it you actually prefer it to your birth name.

It takes some time for people to get used to a new name and so they will probably at first be against it, but I'm positive they'll come around. A cousin of mine changed her name (Rufname) at the age of 14 just because she liked her second name better. She just didn't answer when someone called her by her first name.

Don't give up! :cake:

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