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Sexuals with asexual wife, how do you cope? (All reply welcome, asexual, sexual, men, women) Thanks!


AstralExplorer

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AstralExplorer

Hey folks, so this is my story:

Been married for eight years to an asexual wife. Besides sex, my marriage has everything I could ask for. We have worked a lot to make a strong and successful relationship. Pretty much, our latests arguments has always been due to sex.

She found out she is asexual as the drive never really comes to her. She is now very open minded, but as a child, she wanted to be a nun and was conservatist. Our sex at first was intercourse, normally the missionaire but it was never really pleasant for her my intuition tells. It has always been very hard for her to talk about sex, and we needed many arguments to start to understand our positions, it has been a topic of discomfort for her.

We have little to no sex, and there is not a lot of magic and this is without any sort of intercourse, but more touching each other.

She realized her asexuality and that sort of puts the pieaces of the puzzle together. She has proven true love to me many times, even on our worse times and she tries her best, so affairs are out of the picture. We both are spiritually awakened and trying to awaken more every day... But obviously, the biological voice within a 33 years old male body is there.

Just the touching is boring and distant and even that is unfrequent. I do not want to force my wife, and I always encourage her to not allow herself to be stept on by no one, people could have easy abused her due her personality and in fact, she pretty much admitted all the sex we had prior this, was just to please me (something I kind of suspected, especially after the honeymoon stage.) So I would not force her. I know that she wants to (mentally, she understand this is hard for me) but her body does not want to.

Having an affair is out of the picture. I need intimate sex including intercourse sex and that only would work with my wife. I am very spiritual and I do not want to have sex with a random woman and get all her energy and bust my chakras and energy.

So pretty much it is an equation with no solution, just trying to kill my sexual drive (thankfully, it is not strong... i can be a few days without masturbation fine) but it is hard, and at the age of 33, probably my biological clock is saying "what the heck?"

So I would love to hear from others in my situation, both women and men, would love to hear on both ends. I am open to hear the thoughts of asexuals as well.

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I'm asexual.

You seem to have a pretty good grasp on your wife's asexuality. You understand that forcing her to have sex isn't an option, and you know yourself well enough to understand that sleeping outside your marriage isn't an option. I think you need to accept that you'll never have the sex life you desire with your wife... which is a really difficult thing, I'm sure. There are many non-asexual people here who might have good ideas on how to cope with that.

Are you able to talk to your wife about what sexual contact she's comfortable with, and what to stay away from? Is she comfortable letting you initiate sexual contact, or would she prefer it if the ball is in her court so to say, that only she initiates sex so you don't force her into something she doesn't want to do? These are questions only your wife will be able to help you answer.

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On the ace side, all I can suggest is talk about it. But, if she doesn't want sex and it sounds like you want to be wanted, rather than just her doing it for you... that one isn't a gap you can bridge. An asexual is never going to desire you sexually. Nothing personal, doesn't mean they don't adore you, but it just isn't inside of us to do that. But, if an open relationship and sex are out of the picture, is what she can offer enough for you? That's the decision that needs to be made, once you figure out exactly what she can offer you.

It's great you want to not do anything she isn't OK with. But, if she ends up saying she is OK with something, trust her. We can do things we don't really desire out of love for our partners. So, it's possible some sort of compromise can be reached. When I say compromise, I mean something you both should be content with btw. Anything where one side is hurting to please the other would be sacrifice. Finding a compromise in a mixed relationship can take a while. And the first one probably isn't going to work out. You'll have to keep renegotiating what works and what doesn't as you both adjust to this new relationship dynamic. It's a lot of talking and a lot of hearing what you don't really want to hear, on both sides. But, I hope you two can find something that works.

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Some example solutions to this equation are:

- cherish masturbation. Love your body on your own terms.

- divorce on amicable terms and stay close friends with your spouse.

- embrace nonmonogamy and start at least one new sexy relationship. Read up on how to do that while upholding your high ethical standards: The Ethical Slut, More Than Two, Opening Up.

The fewer fucks you give about the social norms for what exact shape your marriage should take the more solutions you'll see.

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Think of it this way:

You would like her to feel desire for sex with you. But she doesn't.

She would you to not feel desire for sex with her. But you do.

In that sense, neither of you has what you want.

Now you'll both have to decide whether you can live with your differences without arguments. Arguments will not help anything.

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It sounds like your situation is not unlike mine. My wife is my greatest friend and the love of my life; sex just is no longer part of our relationship. In a way, that is fine. No worries. To me, it is not really the sex that I miss anyway; rather it is the possibility of sex that leaves me wanting. The flirtations and the not-so-innocent looks were exciting, even if we never actually carried them into the bedroom. It was never really about the end result, but the hunt. Yet, without the possibility of sex, the hunt seems pointless at best and hurtful at it's worst.

This loss of playfulness in our relationship is what has begun to unravel our marriage, not the lack of sex. I think it is important to make that distinction. The one I continue to adore more than anyone, the one I still proudly pledge my life to, she no longer touches me or flirts with me to keep me from being frustrated; I no longer touch her or flirt with her to keep her from feeling guilty. The result is that we are losing all intimacy.

Like you, I have no desire to step outside of my marriage, and the thought of having a sexual relationship with another, sanctioned by my wife or not, goes strongly against my ethical and moral beliefs. After all, isn't a good marriage about so much more than sex? Still, it is difficult to accept that I will never experience a sexual relationship again. Just getting to the point where I could say to myself, "I will never have sex again," was one of the more difficult realizations of my adult life. But trying to salvage a marriage while knowing that the possibility for romance (as well as sex) is no more . . . this may be even more of a challenge.

Just know you are not alone.

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AstralExplorer

Thanks all for the replies, they help a lot. Here come the answers:

I'm asexual.

You seem to have a pretty good grasp on your wife's asexuality. You understand that forcing her to have sex isn't an option, and you know yourself well enough to understand that sleeping outside your marriage isn't an option. I think you need to accept that you'll never have the sex life you desire with your wife... which is a really difficult thing, I'm sure. There are many non-asexual people here who might have good ideas on how to cope with that.

Are you able to talk to your wife about what sexual contact she's comfortable with, and what to stay away from? Is she comfortable letting you initiate sexual contact, or would she prefer it if the ball is in her court so to say, that only she initiates sex so you don't force her into something she doesn't want to do? These are questions only your wife will be able to help you answer.

Yes, this is something I figured out and indeed it is hard to accept, but I am willing to. In fact, I told her that I was fine with it and that she did not need to feel bad about it.

Somehow yes, she wants to be the ones who initates, but rarely happens and that is fine, I told her better nothing at all, so she does not have to force herself and I wont be hoping haha. Also, I need intercourse as we did years ago, while right now is just touching, is not intimate enough for me, so I don't mind giving it up.

On the ace side, all I can suggest is talk about it. But, if she doesn't want sex and it sounds like you want to be wanted, rather than just her doing it for you... that one isn't a gap you can bridge. An asexual is never going to desire you sexually. Nothing personal, doesn't mean they don't adore you, but it just isn't inside of us to do that. But, if an open relationship and sex are out of the picture, is what she can offer enough for you? That's the decision that needs to be made, once you figure out exactly what she can offer you.

It's great you want to not do anything she isn't OK with. But, if she ends up saying she is OK with something, trust her. We can do things we don't really desire out of love for our partners. So, it's possible some sort of compromise can be reached. When I say compromise, I mean something you both should be content with btw. Anything where one side is hurting to please the other would be sacrifice. Finding a compromise in a mixed relationship can take a while. And the first one probably isn't going to work out. You'll have to keep renegotiating what works and what doesn't as you both adjust to this new relationship dynamic. It's a lot of talking and a lot of hearing what you don't really want to hear, on both sides. But, I hope you two can find something that works.

Yeah, I have no interest in sex buddies or friends with benefits. If I wanted, it would be a huge mess because she also supports the intergrity and connection with the marriage. While I desire so much to have intercourse sex, I wouldn't with somebody else... you are playing with fire there and you may end up falling in love and hurting a lot of people and creating a lot of karma. I rather solve business in five minutes in the shower myself, sort of "getting done with it" and keep going with my life hehe.

Most likely I will allow her if she initiated contact (in case I haven't dealt with business myself, which does not happen daily, but random and it could overlap, I am not high of sex drive neither, while I have it, I can go days without.

Some example solutions to this equation are:

- cherish masturbation. Love your body on your own terms.

- divorce on amicable terms and stay close friends with your spouse.

- embrace nonmonogamy and start at least one new sexy relationship. Read up on how to do that while upholding your high ethical standards: The Ethical Slut, More Than Two, Opening Up.

The fewer fucks you give about the social norms for what exact shape your marriage should take the more solutions you'll see.

Yeah, I went for the first option since a few years ago. I felt it was pathetic that I had to masturbate at 33 being married... but I accepted it somehow. Now that I know the deal, I accepted it completely.

Knowing about asexuality already overrides any social norm. I could not understand her and her lack of drive, found it impossible, thanks to social norm. Now that I know this is just another sexual orientation like straight, gay or demi (changes are that I am demi, I could not have sex with all my partners in the past and I was never up for a "one night fun" if you know what I mean... I am pretty away in most stuff in my life anyway, in terms of social norm, but this whole sex thing was getting me nuts. Now at least I have answers and I am smart enough to understand them, love my wife enough to give up sex.

Think of it this way:

You would like her to feel desire for sex with you. But she doesn't.

She would you to not feel desire for sex with her. But you do.

In that sense, neither of you has what you want.

Now you'll both have to decide whether you can live with your differences without arguments. Arguments will not help anything.

It's okay. I am very sentive energetically, and I do not enjoy the whole act if I sense that she is not enjoying it. She is not engininered to enjoy it. As another poster said, she won't feel the drive, despite she adores me. We are working on it, but the easiest solution is to give up entirely. For her is ackward the whole thing, so I prefer to pass.

It sounds like your situation is not unlike mine. My wife is my greatest friend and the love of my life; sex just is no longer part of our relationship. In a way, that is fine. No worries. To me, it is not really the sex that I miss anyway; rather it is the possibility of sex that leaves me wanting. The flirtations and the not-so-innocent looks were exciting, even if we never actually carried them into the bedroom. It was never really about the end result, but the hunt. Yet, without the possibility of sex, the hunt seems pointless at best and hurtful at it's worst.

This loss of playfulness in our relationship is what has begun to unravel our marriage, not the lack of sex. I think it is important to make that distinction. The one I continue to adore more than anyone, the one I still proudly pledge my life to, she no longer touches me or flirts with me to keep me from being frustrated; I no longer touch her or flirt with her to keep her from feeling guilty. The result is that we are losing all intimacy.

Like you, I have no desire to step outside of my marriage, and the thought of having a sexual relationship with another, sanctioned by my wife or not, goes strongly against my ethical and moral beliefs. After all, isn't a good marriage about so much more than sex? Still, it is difficult to accept that I will never experience a sexual relationship again. Just getting to the point where I could say to myself, "I will never have sex again," was one of the more difficult realizations of my adult life. But trying to salvage a marriage while knowing that the possibility for romance (as well as sex) is no more . . . this may be even more of a challenge.

Just know you are not alone.

You got a point here. I have notice a massive enhancement on our intimate (no sex) connection. We go a lot to the pool, it is a public pool so we do not do anything odd that a normal couple would do in public. Still there is a bit of rubbing, kissing and silly stuff that is nice. That relieved a lot of pressure. The remaining pressure is within my testicles and that has an easy solution.

Thanks for the support, it helps it is not me. This is very hard to cope with, but finding out her asexuality helped a lot, the pool also helped (sort of seeing there is still more than just a friend connection) and knowing that I am not alone.

Have considered last night buying a "vagina sex toy", but not even sure if its worth it or mimics a bit the feeling. I bet those things are very pricey and I might even not like it or might be the same as "solving business in the shower."

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janicecakes

Dear AExplorer,

I am in your same situation only flipped. I just want you to know that you're not alone. If you get some time read back in these pages because listening to other sexuals like myself is invaluable. Especially at times that I start feeling very alone about it. Masterbation seems to help a lot in the moment but afterwords I feel an emptiness that hurts more than the pain I was having before I started. Sorry if thats too much information. My husband has sex because I want it. It is full of caring and void of passion. I often wonder if it would be easier to be celibate. I tried it once and could use more practice I suppose. Looking for someone else is not for me either. My husband and I have a deep bond that no one could replace. I am so in love with him.

Hang in there, good luck, and read through these pages.

Janicecakes

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TryingHard's posts and the responses have been split off here.

Heart

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I understand where are coming from Astral. I too was in my early 30's when my wife began to come to grips with her asexuality (although we didn't have a name for it at the time). It is heartbreaking because we are at a time in our lives when we should be enjoying a great sex life but we find ourselves in love with someone who can't fulfill that need. For reference I had a two to three times a week sex drive and her any more than two or three times a year was an impossibility.

Masturbation will take the edge off for a while but most men I've talked to agree that it is a temporary stopgap and not a long term solution. What is the long term solution for you? I don't know. In my case it was to divorce and remain friends but that may not be the answer for you. Or maybe it's not the right answer at this time. I know at first that was precisely what I wanted to avoid.

I understand your desire to remain faithfully to your wife. I also struggled with the concept and reached the conclusion that in relationships two halves don't make a whole. Factor in that we had kids, smart kids. There would be no hiding it from them.

I guess my advice is communicate and be honest with yourself as well as your partner. Had I been completely honest with myself I would have saved myself several years of frustration and disappointment. You might also consider talking to someone like a therapist or a marriage counselor. You sound like the kind of guy who would be open to that and it can be a great help in processing your feelings and coping with them.

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AstralExplorer

Thanks guys!

This issue has been for a good 4-5 years, it is not new and finding out about her asexuality, removed most frustration, and especially, all fears, etc.

Perfection can't exist in this word, and if I could have a normal sex life, it would be 100% perfect.. 100% perfect does not exist on Earth.

I prefer my asexual wife with all her traits, than a sexual wife that would be missing some of my wife's awesome traits, she has a ton of wonderful things.

We have progress more in a week, than we did in 5 years and I am much more at peace with this whole thing now. It is a small sacrifice in compare for all she offers :)

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  • 1 month later...

I understand where are coming from Astral. I too was in my early 30's when my wife began to come to grips with her asexuality (although we didn't have a name for it at the time). It is heartbreaking because we are at a time in our lives when we should be enjoying a great sex life but we find ourselves in love with someone who can't fulfill that need. For reference I had a two to three times a week sex drive and her any more than two or three times a year was an impossibility.

Masturbation will take the edge off for a while but most men I've talked to agree that it is a temporary stopgap and not a long term solution. What is the long term solution for you? I don't know. In my case it was to divorce and remain friends but that may not be the answer for you. Or maybe it's not the right answer at this time. I know at first that was precisely what I wanted to avoid.

I understand your desire to remain faithfully to your wife. I also struggled with the concept and reached the conclusion that in relationships two halves don't make a whole. Factor in that we had kids, smart kids. There would be no hiding it from them.

I guess my advice is communicate and be honest with yourself as well as your partner. Had I been completely honest with myself I would have saved myself several years of frustration and disappointment. You might also consider talking to someone like a therapist or a marriage counselor. You sound like the kind of guy who would be open to that and it can be a great help in processing your feelings and coping with them.

I wasnt married but for me splitting up was the only solution, I didnt want to make our relationship something like a sacrifice that destroys our lives.

Now, thinking about it, I think people is too afraid of divorce and breaking up, divorce can be good for both partners, and it's posible to stay friends. I hope that in the near future my ex and me we both recover our friendship.

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