Confused and thinking about leaving

[Sagg_Love87]

Hello, my partner and I have only been together 3 months and we have had SEX maybe 3 times... I always want sex but she doesn't seem to want it. Everytime I bring it up, it's a bogus excuse. I'm already ready to call it quits. I don't feel like it's a relationship, I feel more like we are roommates. She's told me about her last girlfriend and she said once they stopped having sex, she knew it was over. So how should I feel about this situation?? I don't know what to do. I waited the whole 3 months to introduce her to my family which are new and fact adjusting to the fact that I'm in a lesbian relationship... She is 43 and I am 28. We both were affected by a traumatizing sexual experience. Maybe that has something to do with it, I don't know. I can't talk to her about it because when I try to, she always gets off the subject and I get pissed off and just leave it alone. I'm always irritated, I try to work as much as possible, I feel depressed, I feel neglected,i just wanna leave. I've told her I feel neglected and all no change and no effort whatsoever. I don't want to be in a relationship where I constantly have to wonder, IS MY PARTNER STILL ATTRACTED TO ME? IS SHE SEEING OR TALKING TO SOMEONE ELSE BEHIND MY BACK? WHY IS SHE KEEPING ME AROUND? I mean, I get out the shower and air dry and it's like she doesn't even show any interest whatsoever. She'll be playing games on her phone or texting with Idk who. I'm really confused, help!!!!

[Guest]

Maybe the wrong forum for problems like this, but well, the questions you have only she can answer, if she won't by asking her, write a letter.

Else I suppose you could break up. If she is not interested in even talking about the situation when you say that you feel bad, and you feel like this is a deal breaker, then why stay?

[Touchofinsight]

You should bring up the subject and when she trys to brush it off or deflect the issue... Call her on it. Stay calm and stress the importance in spoken words... If she still refuses then id say leave. Dont settle for a relationship that creates so much inner turmoil. Some people arent ready for a healthy relationship yet and just dont know it or arent willing to put forth the effort.

[Sagg_Love87]

Thank you so much. I really appreciate that. I have put it off for the time being because today is her birthday and i wanted her to at least enjoy it but i have tried talking to her about us not having sex and how we don't hardly communicate anymore. Just a lot of small talk. It's like she doesn't care how i feel, she's not interested in my feelings, my thoughts, nothing!! We go to sleep next to each other and don't say 2 words to each other. Wake up, hardly anything said. I'd rather be by myself then to lady next to someone everyday of my life and still feel sad and alone and not only that, I have lost myself in her and she shows me she doesn't give a fuck about me. Smh I'm really tired of this whole situation. 4 months wasted but i guess that's my own fault huh...

[Telecaster68]

It sounds like there's a lot more likely answers than asexuality, like menopause, or illness or just a very low libido, or she's unsure about the relationship and doesn't want to talk about it.

Whatever it is, refusing to talk to you about something that's so important to you isn't acceptable. You need to know what's going to have any chance of working on it.

You might want to look at the DeadBedrooms reddit rather than AVEN.

[Sagg_Love87]

Thank you for your response. She DOES have Crohns Disease and she has been flaring here and there. She was diagnosed 10 years ago. When we got back in contact and i decided to move in with her, we were intimate no problem. We always hugged, kissed, and was very affectionate. I just noticed that everything has changed and everything seems to be about her her her all the time. What she wants, what she doesn't want, etc. I can't even attempt to get any of my needs met

[Telecaster68]

My situation is similar. I have no idea how her combination of illness, menopause, and low libido are working together, or if she was always asexual and was just tolerating it and now can't. I can understand that chronic conditions can take a huge toll on sex drive, but then there seem to be plenty of people with chronic conditions who still want to have sex so it's not just health. Everyone's different. My wife isn't as shut down as your girlfriend, but it does seem like they share a basic incuriousness about what's going on, which comes across as not caring about the effect it has on partners.

[Sagg_Love87]

Exactly!! I am there for her when she goes through her flares and i understand that she has to deal with this illness but i don't think it's the illness that has killed our sex life. It seems more like she's not interested and just won't say that. It's staying to seem like she's keeping me around as some kind of servant or something!! "Can you take me here? Can you take me there?" Can you get me some water?" She never asks me how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking about, never asks shit about me. She keeps her face in her phone all the time and so do i or i beg my manager to call me in to work so i don't even have to be around her. I would just walk around not talking and not one damn time did she say, babe what's wrong? Are you okay? I sit up in the hospital with her for hours and hours, i get off work from 8 tp 10 hour shifts and go straight to the hospital to sit with her and make sure the nurses and doctors do their jobs and don't mistreat her, (I'm on call 24 hours a day 5 days a week sometime 6 and i already have issues sleeping). Also she wakes me up out of my sleep homering and screaming in pain after I've had a long, day, night, or morning at work. Like i said before, I've told her "I feel neglected. You don't touch me, you don't act interested in me, etc." Nothing has changed. Sorry I'm ranting I'm just frustrated and it seems like no matter how hard i try to make my significant other feel like they are important and their happiness is important to me, i don't get the same in return...

[Telecaster68]

I would just walk around not talking and not one damn time did she say, babe what's wrong? Are you okay?

Is she expecting you to speak up if you're feeling crap? I know that's an issue for me...

It's not unreasonable really, but it sounds like you're similar to me - I notice her behaviour and ask her what's going on, not that the answer is necessarily very illuminating. I tacitly expect her to do the same, but according to many on AVEN, I'm expecting mind reading and that's unreasonable. So I'm making an effort to do that; it doesn't always result in any changes that I can notice. Her reaction tends to be suggesting solutions (which I can understand she sees as supportive) but often I just want some sympathy and the feeling she's paying attention to me, and it's not all about her.

That said, I can understand how chronic illness will make you quite self-absorbed and in your own head. But surely some effort to not be, when your partner's distressed, is in order? Again, some posters on other, illness related, forums definitely say they try to not be too self absorbed.

[nanogretchen4]

Sometimes people want to talk about their problems, and sometimes they want not to talk about their problems. For example, I suffer from mild depression but I am very high functioning. Between periods of depression I am quite cheerful to the point that people frequently comment on it. During periods of depression I'm sure I manage to pass as what would be normal for the average person, so unless someone knows me well and is paying really close attention they probably don't know. At times I've spent most of the previous day crying, then started crying again as soon as I woke up, yet I've pulled myself together and gone to work and not one person has asked me if something is wrong. And I don't want them to. When I'm fighting depression I don't like to talk about it because it seems like that just gives it more power. I'm actively ignoring it so I can get on with life.

I think I have at least average awareness of other people's emotions, and I'm pretty empathetic, but that doesn't mean I always bring up the topic of their problems if they don't choose to. For example, sometimes I've figured out that an acquaintance has a chronic illness or is struggling with infertility or something equally serious and personal. I feel great sympathy, but I am never going to mention what I know unless they choose to talk about it. All I can do is quietly be present, cut them some slack if they lose their temper, maybe try to lessen their work load a bit or distract them if they seem to want it.

Telecaster, I think you may just need to spell out to your wife not only how you are feeling but also what you want her to do about it. Because it sounds like she doesn't know, and she likely means well.

OP, I would have to say if the first four months have been mostly bad it doesn't sound like this relationship is working.

[Telecaster68]

Nano - absolutely, I agree give someone space if they don't want to talk about something, as a general principle. But this is someone's partner noticing (presumably) they're acting down, or at least gone very quiet, and not even asking them if anything's wrong. At the same time, when they're down, the partner is solicitous and tries to help.

If they're not noticing, that's something else all together, too.

This is in a relationship where there are live issues on the table (in both mine and OP's case) that they know about. This is why it's hard not to read it as 'I know you're upset, but it's going to upset me to discuss it, so we're not going to discuss it.' In other words, their distress outranks mine. Always and forever.

Being on the end of that lot really doesn't feel like you're cared for however much you know rationally that you are.

(And re my relationship - yes it's better now than it was. She does what she can, but what I want her to do about it is desire me, and that's not going to happen. So there is no solution. What there can be is sympathy, or actually some occasional mention that she's aware that all is not fine and dandy with me. And asking for sympathy kind of goes against the point...)

[nanogretchen4]

I guess if someone is well aware of your distress and genuinely feels no sympathy for you, that is a problem without a solution. If they feel sympathy but don't know how you want them to express their sympathy, that problem might be improved by telling them. For example, it sounds like when you are upset you want her to ask you about it. Personally, when I'm upset I don't want probing questions. I'd rather have someone just hang out with me and then I might or might not feel like talking about it in an hour or so. That's also how I'd be likely to treat a friend I knew was upset. But if I knew a certain person wanted me to ask them, I would try to figure out when they wanted that and act accordingly.

Also, when I talk about my problems I want mostly quiet listening and nonverbal expressions of sympathy, followed by practical suggestions after I've calmed down a bit. If someone goes on and on with verbal expressions of sympathy it makes me feel awkward and stressed although it's clearly well meant. I'm also, you guessed it, not great with elaborate verbal expressions of emotion, but I would give it my best shot if someone clued me in that that is what they wanted.

[Sagg_Love87]

I am not sure if she is waiting for me to say anything if I'm upset or whatever but i ALWAYS ask her how she's feeling because i wanna make sure she knows that I care but she doesn't do the same which I'm thinking well maybe she just doesn't care. The change in my attitude has been drastic so I'm pretty sure she's noticed. Now if i started being that way towards her to be spiteful, she'd probably have an issue with it. Yes i think you're right, we seem to be in the same exact boat. We show our feelings for our partner but ours go unnoticed. Like i said before, I've tried to tell her how i feel. I had wanted to go to a casino that was an hour and 30 minutes away from where we leave just to spend some QT and without asking if i minded, she starts texting her sister asking her if her and her friend wants to go. I didn't want anybody else to go with us. Keep in mind, her sister and her female friend had just came home from being at the beach all day. Did we get an invite? Not that i know of!! I told her i was mad she invited them because i wanted that qt time so we could talk and get some things cleared up. She seemed like she had an attitude. She walked out the room, closed the door, and didn't come back in for 15 minutes at least. She starts texting me from the bathroom saying well they aren't going and no i didn't uninvite them they just chose to stay and that look she had on her face just killed the mood and we started home. Point is my feelings aren't taken into consideration. I'm tired of it. Yes 4 months Nanogretchen4 😂😂😂, it doesn't seem to be working out, yep i agree with you.

[Telecaster68]

I'd suspect she knew you wanted to to talk on the casino trip, and that's why she wanted the cover from her sister and friend.

[Sagg_Love87]

No i don't think so, she still wanted to go but i no longer wanted to.

[Sagg_Love87]

We finally had the conversation... Via Facebook but we had it. I left it all out since she finally asked, "How are you?" And instead of saying I'm okay as usual, i was honest. Told her everything that's bothering me. She said she had no idea but she could see that i had an attitude but that she will change and told me to make a list of things i wasn't from her or want her top work on but i don't feel like i should have to make a list. TREAT ME WITH THE SAME LOVE AND RESPECT THAT I TREAT YOU WITH, POINT BLANK PERIOD, but she still needs me to make a list. I went through this same exact thing with my ex bf. He said make a list I'll be everything you need me to be and still let me down, and betrayed me in the worst way. She is saying the exact same thing so i just told her I love you too but i don't wanna keep investing my time and you say 1 thing and show me fuck you, fuck your feelings, you and you're issues are not important to me unless you're fetching water or something. We're only 4 months in and things have changed so drastically and not 1 time in 4 months have you questioned anything. Isn't that crazy? She says I've never been a questioning type of person ... I say all the time if there's something bothering you TALK TO ME ... Otherwise how do I know??? When I try to show care or concern you seem to have an attitude or go into ignore mode ... That's Bullshit!! I said (this is her sister and her female friend that she invited to the casino) And what's even more crazy is the fact that you show more interest in Neysa and Shay and everybody else except the person you go to sleep with and wake up with every single day. She told me her and her 16 year old daughter were trying to talk to me but i kept putting my headphones in abs she could tell that clearly i had an attitude which i did, i said You will know if you ask. Like i said when things are bothering me, sometime i just keep it to myself because i feel like my feelings aren't important. And clearly i was in a bad mood yet you don't give a fuck about attitudes...