Random roommates and HRT/transition

[Mezzo Forte]

So, I'm not very good at finding roommates, and my luck ran out for this coming academic year, so I had to sign up for a random roommate. At the time I resigned my lease, I had just come out to myself as trans, but had no clue how quickly I was going to jumpstart my transition, and I had to list myself by my legal sex anyways. The only times I've ever had random roommates were back when I lived in the dorms in my early undergrad days, so this will be my first time dealing with a random in an apartment setting.

I'll officially be 2 months into HRT on Sunday, and I'm chopping off 30+ inches of hair in 8 days. With the haircut, I might finally start passing, but that brings up a ton of transition fears too. What happens if my random roommate is transphobic? (What if she has a transphobic boyfriend/girlfriend/SO who is triple my size?) (What if my random roommate isn't transphobic, but not comfortable about living with a man?) (What if my random roommate is accepting, but is incompatible with me in terms of noise levels or hygiene or other typical roommate contention points?) She'll see my legal name prior to moving in, and there's no doubt that the effects of HRT are going to become obvious.

Does anyone have experience navigating situations like this? My twin asked me to talk to the people who manage my complex to see if there's a way to get an LGBTQ-friendly roommate, and I am thinking of doing exactly that, but should that approach go nowhere, how do you handle this kind of scenario?

[Guest]

I second your twin's advice. I have experience of this sort when dealing with dorm rooms at university, but that's different than a private lease. Are you in the States? I know US law but not elsewhere.

[butterflydreams]

Does anyone have experience navigating situations like this? My twin asked me to talk to the people who manage my complex to see if there's a way to get an LGBTQ-friendly roommate, and I am thinking of doing exactly that, but should that approach go nowhere, how do you handle this kind of scenario?

Bolded part, I'd definitely do that.

Before that though, check up on the housing laws in whatever jurisdiction you're in. That's what I did before my landlord/neighbor returned home from Florida. Because you never know, and all places are different. Best to make sure you've at least got some kind of basic law on your side, and know what it is.

Other than that, I'm not sure what to tell you. Roommates are tough. I had horrible experiences in college, and that was just from being a quiet, shy, introverted person.

In the broader perspective of your situation though, I think it'll help to focus on what is actually happening, rather than extrapolating whether or not this person, or that person, or this person related to that person is transphobic. I actually have a LOT of experience with that, and, well, I guess I'd suggest to save the worry until you know there's something to worry about. I mean, be aware, but don't stress yourself out about things that haven't happened. Because there are just too many combinations and permutations. I could've spent all winter wondering, "omg, is my landlord going to be transphobic? What about his wife? What about his kid? What about the people at the cafe in town?" But what would all that worry have gotten me? I can actually tell you, because it's in retrospect now: absolutely nothing!

You're a cool person. You have a fun personality, and you're nice. Focus on those attributes and others will too :)

[Mezzo Forte]

I second your twin's advice. I have experience of this sort when dealing with dorm rooms at university, but that's different than a private lease. Are you in the States? I know US law but not elsewhere.

I appreciate you echoing my twin on this, and I'll definitely make sure to have a conversation with the people who manage my complex. I've been living at the same place for over 3 years now, so I should be able to convince the staff to let me talk to people who can actually help me. I am in the US, and while I'm not sure if (and kinda doubt that) Florida has a lot of legal protections for trans people (if any), I think the town I'm in might have some protective ordinances. (I won't pretend to be super knowledgeable about law though, as beyond a 5-week business law course I took for my first master's, I've never really studied the topic or taken the time to educate myself.)

Does anyone have experience navigating situations like this? My twin asked me to talk to the people who manage my complex to see if there's a way to get an LGBTQ-friendly roommate, and I am thinking of doing exactly that, but should that approach go nowhere, how do you handle this kind of scenario?

Bolded part, I'd definitely do that.

Before that though, check up on the housing laws in whatever jurisdiction you're in. That's what I did before my landlord/neighbor returned home from Florida. Because you never know, and all places are different. Best to make sure you've at least got some kind of basic law on your side, and know what it is.

Other than that, I'm not sure what to tell you. Roommates are tough. I had horrible experiences in college, and that was just from being a quiet, shy, introverted person.

In the broader perspective of your situation though, I think it'll help to focus on what is actually happening, rather than extrapolating whether or not this person, or that person, or this person related to that person is transphobic. I actually have a LOT of experience with that, and, well, I guess I'd suggest to save the worry until you know there's something to worry about. I mean, be aware, but don't stress yourself out about things that haven't happened. Because there are just too many combinations and permutations. I could've spent all winter wondering, "omg, is my landlord going to be transphobic? What about his wife? What about his kid? What about the people at the cafe in town?" But what would all that worry have gotten me? I can actually tell you, because it's in retrospect now: absolutely nothing!

You're a cool person. You have a fun personality, and you're nice. Focus on those attributes and others will too :)

Hadley, you're too sweet <3

I feel you on the roommate experiences, and I'm sorry you struggled with that. Every bad roommate I've ever had, I had at the same time, and it was three randoms. That was my last experience with random roommates too, so I was anxious enough even before I knew I was going to start transitioning. You make a good point about extrapolating though! It's hard not to let those kinds of thoughts snowball, but I suppose that I won't truly know what will happen until I actually meet my roommate. (Still, I hope I can weed out more explicitly transphobic people by talking with management. After checking if I have legal protection from housing discrimination anyways.)

(Who knows? Maybe asking for an LGBTQ-friendly roommate will mean that they don't lease the other bedroom in my apartment. Unlikely, but living alone would be such a sigh of relief!)

[deltaX]

I don't know how your apartment complex assigns random roommates, but the place I'm staying at gives you the contact info for the people you're matched to before you move in. They allow you to talk to your potential roommates via email or phone, so that you can make sure you don't hate each other before committing to a year of living together. If your apartment also does something like this, I would explain your situation to your roommates during that "get-to-know-you" phase, and only committing to people who are okay with you being yourself. Better to find out someone will be transphobic before you move in with them if possible.

I also second your twin's suggestion to ask about LGBTQ-friendly apartments. I don't know how that will go, but it's worth a try

Whatever you decide to do, I hope it work out for you! Good luck!!

[Mezzo Forte]

I don't know how your apartment complex assigns random roommates, but the place I'm staying at gives you the contact info for the people you're matched to before you move in. They allow you to talk to your potential roommates via email or phone, so that you can make sure you don't hate each other before committing to a year of living together. If your apartment also does something like this, I would explain your situation to your roommates during that "get-to-know-you" phase, and only committing to people who are okay with you being yourself. Better to find out someone will be transphobic before you move in with them if possible.

I also second your twin's suggestion to ask about LGBTQ-friendly apartments. I don't know how that will go, but it's worth a try

Whatever you decide to do, I hope it work out for you! Good luck!!

Thanks! :)

I never had a random roommate in this complex, but I think they only give you the contact information of the roommate(s) after the room assignments are basically final. I talked to the head manager of my complex yesterday, and first she checked to see if anyone was already assigned to my unit, and after seeing that nobody was placed with me yet, she put a note in my file about my situation to make sure I get paired with someone trans-friendly.

As much as I'd love to just have the unit to myself this next year, if I do get assigned a roommate, I will be sure to chat with them prior to move-in. I don't like the idea of having the first thing someone learn about me be my transition, but I guess it's better to be upfront and then have them learn over time that my gender is only a small part of me.

[Gentle Giant]

It would be ideal if you could have a room to yourself. But if you are paired with someone, I hope it works out and you get someone accepting and compatible. Good luck!