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Sexual / asexual phases, Part 2 (TW sexual assault)


gothic dandy

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gothic dandy

Hello! I haven't been here in a long time and wanted to expand upon one of my first posts here, because there is new information that dramatically alters the outcome. It is locked, probably due to inactivity, so unfortunately I have to start a new thread.



Old Thread:




Here is the new version of that timeline, with my current thoughts:



First of all, I am no longer planning on pursuing activism in such a way that I make myself a recognizable asexual figure. I was going to do blog posts and youtube videos, but I never settled on clear goals for that and am still spinning that idea around in my head. So all the questions of "Am I hurting the community?" aren't really relevant to me anymore. Regardless of how I publicly portray myself, it's not a worry I have anymore.



It still stands that I was the classic aromantic asexual during high school and college. I will strongly and angrily defend this point of my life, and it is what drives my passion for asexual visibility and education.



I also realized I do not feel ok with describing this part of my life as a phase. I simply did not fully understand my (a)sexuality. What I do feel ok with saying, and didn't make blatant enough in my original post, is that I struggled with a ton of internalized transphobia/homophobia/asexual-phobia for most of my life. This is what manifested itself as "I'm finally 'normal" when I got married to the first guy I had actual feelings for.



Here is where the story changes. Wow, does the denial get worse! We were sexually active, but then he began to sexually violate me in ways I made excuses for and glossed over AND apparently forgot, involving unwanted touching and a lot of ignored "no"s. After I, you know, stopped desiring any sex with this person who was violating me--completely unaware that this is what my mind was doing--I assumed I had "gone back" to being asexual. I'm still not sure whether it was asexual tendencies resurfacing after the new-relationship energy subsided, or a fear-based response to trauma--possibly a combination of both--but either way, he then began coercing me, which I don't feel is as criminal as ignoring my wishes but was still damaging, and also resulted in an unexpected pregnancy that I chose to follow through with.



Now that I have a better grasp on my transgender identity--I identified as a trans guy in the previous post, but now feel androgyne is better and still use female pronouns--and now that I have sorted through most of the sexual issues apparent in my marriage (which is soon ending--guess why), I also have a slightly better grasp on my sexual, or asexual, identity. I'm still not sure if demisexual or gray fits me better, but at least I have a bit less confusion. And maybe a little more anger/drive to change the world, heh.



I suppose it's no use mulling over, because I am now probably at a point that many people on this site are at: "Yeah, I'm asexual, not a classic asexual, not sure where I fall exactly, but I belong in there somewhere..." But I felt very compelled to update the story.




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Ya know, all these posts of people who willingly have sex and then later frame it as rape really further illustrates why sexuals and asexuals should not mix. Now, i don't know your exact story, but given there was nothing (not a hint, not a tone, nothing) of being repeatedly raped by your husband in your first post, combined with your statement that you suddenly remembered it... just, ugh. Sounds like you're defaming this guy and putting a hell of a lot of baggage on him that's not really fair or appropriate.

I have no idea why you think anger is good, but in both posts you mention how angry you are, as if that's a good thing. Just FYI, it's not. People who are confused, all over the map, making rape accusations, who are full of rage and defensiveness... not exactly the best spokespeople.

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To be fair

TW: sexual assault

My ex boyfriend tried to pressure me into sex and until we broke up, I didn't see some of what he did as sexual assault even though it clearly was. At one point he got mad that I withdrew consent (that I had given him like 24 hours prior btw) because I was uncomfortable and tried to screw me in a dressing room. Thankfully nothing that would need an STD panel or a pregancy test occured (all clothes stayed on but dry humping without consent is still not okay) but if you had asked me the day after if he had assaulted me then I would have said no. I was broken because I was in a relationship with an abusive fuckstick. If you ask me now I would say FUCK YEA I WAS ASSAULTED! In fact, this is why my gender is what it is on AVEN. Yea it may be funny to some (and I understand that, I knew that would happen when I chose it) but to me it's a big fucking deal and it means that I won't put up with being treated like crap which is expanded on in my profile.

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I hope everyone who has experienced any form of sexual assault and abuse is able to receive the help they need. As a survivor, I know it's not easy.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Rainbow~Sprinkles

Hello Gothic Dandy,

I am really sorry for what happened to you and can understand why you are now driven to advocate for asexual visibility in the community. No is no. What your bf did to you, is not okay. Regardless, that its in a relationship and regardless of the fact that he probably didn't view what he was doing as 'wrong', it is still not okay.

I did deal with some sexual harrassment at university thankfully not assault, but it was hard to handle at time. I felt like what they were doing was wrong, but nobody else saw it as wrong. When I reached out to my friends who were there in the room, they thought what was happening was okay. So I continued to let it happen until I finally put my foot down and said no. I said no every time he continued to do it and he still did it anyway.

When he finally got the message and left me alone, my friends all criticised me for not being able to just accept his attention. But 6 months later, I was walking across a pedestrian crossing, I noticed a car similar to his sitting there as I crossed it. Next thing you know, I felt his car swipe past my back and looked up to see him grinning at me in the rear view mirror. Just because other people think the behaviour is acceptable doesn't mean its okay. And years down the track, one of my friends pulled me aside and said that she realised now that his behaviour wasn't okay and she apologised for being "immature" about the whole thing.

Trust your gut instinct. If something isn't okay, say so to your partner. If they don't listen, say it more forcefully. Explain your point of view, listen to their side. Come to an agreement if one can be made, that you are both happy with. If they still cross your boundaries repeatedly, despite you consistently saying no, then get the hell out.

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