redwing777 Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 I'm 24, female, and straight. Of course I'm asexual as well. I've never told anyone that I'm asexual. I'm completely closeted... but I'm also closeted about another thing: I'm bipolar. These 2 things make it difficult for me to be open with people. I want to start dating, but I don't know what to do about this. I don't want to scare anyone off, but I have to take a lot of medication just to be mentally stable. I also have to stay away from certain medications, pretty much every recreational drug, and alcohol. Alcohol is bad for me because it will cause severe depression, as well as interact with my medication. But when I'm mentally stable, you can't even tell I'm bipolar. I look and act like a normal person. I don't even know how to start dating. If the asexuality part doesn't scare people off, then the bipolar disorder certainly will. Most people don't understand bipolar disorder, which is fine because I don't expect people to fully understand it, but I feel like people are afraid of what they don't understand. How do I be open about both of these things? Do I tell people on the first date or what? Link to post Share on other sites
Grabovsky Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 Probably not your bipolar on the first date, but if it becomes serious, you should talk about it. But also stress that you have it under control for the most part. Asexuality is a very difficult thing to talk about to anyone, mostly because its just not well known. So i have no advice about how or when to bring it up when dating. I did go out with someone(2 dates) who knew i was asexual well before the dates, but she was very supportive about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Busrider Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 Don't "tell" pesonally. - March them through a bit of neutral online reading? - Sorry I myself can be diagnosed shizoid. One typical trait of that is being absolutely illness unaware. So all I can do is talk neutral about it and let folks do their own reading. I know little about bipolar, but if what you are saying is right, I suppose there isn't much reason to scare people. - I assume you'll keep your own health insurance and they won't have to pay medication out of their pockets? - How much annual "social down time" will you have in a bad year? - That is the only fact worth telling others. Or date a fair weather captain, calling him back at the next kind of manic phase? Please pardon my brutality, but: A first date should end filed as a "kind of nice evening" independent of partner's flaws or it was badly planned. 3 nice dates are better than additional memories of staring at a domestic wall, if things don't work out. Summarized: If you start arranging dates do it in an anyhow enjoyable way. - If you happen to bump into marriage material: Fine, enjoy! - But gaining insight into another person and happily not marrying them is the usual result, just keep that adventure somewhat enjoyable. I don't know if an ability to consume alcohol or recreational drugs is mandatory. - I happen to know a happily married dry alcoholic. - My ex-roomie was dry by choice, my BFF lives dry too, to avoid migraine. Myself I'm refraining from social drinking these days. I know it doesn't make me uninhibited towards others and I'm treasuring my driving license. - I simply want to live legally for convenience's sake. I think it will take quite a while for your bipolar disorder to surface and still: What is it meant to mean to your next partner? Isn't it just a shoebox or bigger sized bump swept below your medication carpet? Coming out as asexual: It of course depends. - I'm indifferent questioning & male. I tell dates in the meeting preparation stage that I'm unlikely to be the most sexual guy in town and might probably still play along as expected by them if that happens to be the case. (No clue; it has been years...) If I was female, I 'd probably try to seek "activity partners" (online), check if activity is fun with them, try if lunch tastes better had next to them and so on. Critical part might be getting the romantic tension right, between none at all and being scared they might end demanding sex. - Your challenge, to find the right balance. Link to post Share on other sites
Touchofinsight Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 I'm 24, female, and straight. Of course I'm asexual as well. I've never told anyone that I'm asexual. I'm completely closeted... but I'm also closeted about another thing: I'm bipolar. These 2 things make it difficult for me to be open with people. I want to start dating, but I don't know what to do about this. I don't want to scare anyone off, but I have to take a lot of medication just to be mentally stable. I also have to stay away from certain medications, pretty much every recreational drug, and alcohol. Alcohol is bad for me because it will cause severe depression, as well as interact with my medication. But when I'm mentally stable, you can't even tell I'm bipolar. I look and act like a normal person. I don't even know how to start dating. If the asexuality part doesn't scare people off, then the bipolar disorder certainly will. Most people don't understand bipolar disorder, which is fine because I don't expect people to fully understand it, but I feel like people are afraid of what they don't understand. How do I be open about both of these things? Do I tell people on the first date or what? While I was married to someone once who was bipolar along with some other mental issues I don't think I can help too much with your coming out about that.. but i did write a guide some time ago about coming out as asexual. If i had to give some amateur advice about coming out as bipolar it would be to not come out right away from the start. She never really told me about it at first, eventually as we got closer I learned more about how it affected her and our relationship. Go out with them show them who you are, what you like etc (you know like everyone else) and then eventually if and when you get closer you can let them know after they see that in the end your just like anyone else just with a few unique challenges in your life. However I don't know the extent of your condition and how that works living with other people. Here: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/100285-a-guide-for-coming-out-asexual-relationships-and-more/ Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 Everyone has challenges, and a lot of people have mental challenges. I don't think that's necessarily a big obstacle, and I don't think you need to disclose that immediately. I feel differently about asexuality, however. We are definitely a minority and most people you date will expect that dates are a kind of rehearsal for a relationship. Sexuals expect that relationship to include sex. AVEN has had a lot of threads about when to disclose that you're asexual, and from my memory, most feel that after a few dates that you've both enjoyed, it's time to tell them. The longer you wait, the worse it will be when you do tell them, because they may feel you've "misrepresented" yourself (even though you haven't). Link to post Share on other sites
OutsideObserver Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 The longer you wait, the worse it will be when you do tell them, because they may feel you've "misrepresented" yourself (even though you haven't). Even if the sexual person doesn't hold it against you, you are still better off informing them of your orientation before either of you gets super invested in the relationship. Even if you are the sort to compromise for your partners sake, some sexuals are not compatible romantically with people they can't have mutually desired sexual contact with. If a prospective beau is one of those (and many many sexuals will be) it would serve you better to know that before you start to fall in love with them. Link to post Share on other sites
Anime Pancake Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 Probably what I would do is just spend time with them as friends first. Then you can determine if you think you may be compatible for a relationship. If you both seem interested in a relationship after the first few dates (or at any time) then you can tell them about asexuality and bipolar if you want to. I think it would be good to have some simple conversations first before talking about asexuality and bipolar, but that's just me. Also I want to say that many people have depression and everyone is different. No one has a perfect life, so just because you have bipolar disorder doesn't mean that you can't have good relationships, at least that is my opinion. Also I like your screen name :) Link to post Share on other sites
doctora Posted June 26, 2016 Share Posted June 26, 2016 Hi! I'm 32, male, sort-of straight, and like you, bipolar (currently unmedicated, yet to find the right meds, fun time for everyone). Asexuality: are you still ok with having sex anyway for the sake of your partner (I just registered and have no idea how the community feels about this so don't crucify me please, personally I'm ok with it for various reasons)? If yes, I wouldn't bother telling them on the first date, and only tell them later once something blossoms. If no, I'd probably let them know right off the bat. In this case I recommend making a profile on an online dating site, where you can make your intentions clear. Most non-asex men will want to have sex. Bipolar: I would never tell the person on the first date. Many people harbour negative associations with the word ("crazy" bipolar ex, etc), let them get to know you better first. Also, you're stable, so you can tell them quite further down the road. The thing is, you never know until you try! I guarantee there's someone out there that will make you happy and you'll make them happy too. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.