What might lead a character to reject sex?

[Kai99]

OP, I have a sexual friend who I have known for years say he want to be with me no matter what, even if that meant having no sex for the rest of his life. We have had several discussions about it, me trying to tell him it wouldn't work, he feeling adamant that it could. I am very sex repulse and will not compromise on sex or any sexual acts. My friend is highly sexually attracted to me and while he says he could live without sex with me, his behavior ALWAYS say otherwise. If he gets the chance to, he smacks my butt in a supposedly friendly but I know he was just looking for an opportunity to touch me there. He has ask me to send him sexy pictures even though he knows how I feel about anything sexual. He tries to find ways to get me comfortable enough with the idea of experimenting with him. He has told me in my face how he wanted to be the one to take my virginity even though he knows my feelings, and he also told me it is hard to be around me at times because of my virginity and how attractive that is to guys. There have been times where me and him had to take a break from one another because he was having a hard time being around me. He claims he could live without sex just to be with me, but I know too well that if we were ever to be together, that he would start pressuring to me do sexual things as he does at times even if we aren't in a relationship. A sexual person might say that they can live without sex but that doesn't mean it is true and usually, a part of them will still be hoping to have sex with you eventually.

Also, you don't have to go with someone undead. You could just create an urban fantasy story of a species who don't have sex to reproduce, or maybe have a story where werewolves lose their sexual drive when they are bitten and a asexual girl ends up meeting one. Or maybe create a story about a mixed asexual/sexual relationships and the struggles involve. The possibilities are endless.

[TheMaria]

My friend is highly sexually attracted to me and while he says he could live without sex with me, his behavior ALWAYS say otherwise.

There have been times where me and him had to take a break from one another because he was having a hard time being around me.

Also, you don't have to go with someone undead. You could just create an urban fantasy story of a species who don't have sex to reproduce, or maybe have a story where werewolves lose their sexual drive when they are bitten and a asexual girl ends up meeting one. Or maybe create a story about a mixed asexual/sexual relationships and the struggles involve. The possibilities are endless.

Having a hard time around you, heh... Nah, I'm kidding, sorry. I appreciate your input.

Sure, the possibilities are endless, but if I accept that what you said applies to every sexual person there would be no difference between an undead character and a member of an asexual species/werewolf/whatever. Making the character supernatural in any way would imply that a sexless relationship isn't possible in real life (except between two asexuals).

But I've also come to the conclusion that a supernatural character would be the same as a character who can't have sex due to medical reasons. So I guess my real dilemma is whether I want a character who cannot have sex (for whatever reason, earthly or supernatural) or one that chooses not to -- and whether the latter is possible.

Maybe it's highly unlikely, or even impossible that a "typical" sexual would give up sex just because their partner asked them to, but if prior to the relationship they already had objections to it -- like the stuff Aqua listed, some of which I have witnessed myself in antisexual forums -- then it might work.

[scarletlatitude]

Why not just have 2 asexual characters?

[nanogretchen4]

Yeah, if you want a positive message that for some reason is so radical and unexpected most people overlook the possibility, portray two asexuals in a happy relationship with each other.

If you want drama, make the sexual partner unhappily celibate.

There are a small minority of people who arguably intrinsically desire sex yet never want to act on that desire in real life. Some people think that counts as asexual for all practical purposes and some people think it's gray. That's just barely a mixed relationship in the first place, so I'm not sure why they couldn't just as well both be asexual. There are also a few sexuals who would prefer to be in a sexual relationship but can adapt to celibacy pretty well due to low libido or other personality traits.

[TheMaria]

Why not just have 2 asexual characters?

Yeah, if you want a positive message that for some reason is so radical and unexpected most people overlook the possibility, portray two asexuals in a happy relationship with each other.

If you want drama, make the sexual partner unhappily celibate.

There are a small minority of people who arguably intrinsically desire sex yet never want to act on that desire in real life. Some people think that counts as asexual for all practical purposes and some people think it's gray. That's just barely a mixed relationship in the first place, so I'm not sure why they couldn't just as well both be asexual. There are also a few sexuals who would prefer to be in a sexual relationship but can adapt to celibacy pretty well due to low libido or other personality traits.

I don't want too much drama, I'd like a positive/optimistic message overall. But not so positive as the unrealistic luck of two people randomly bumping into each other and discovering they're both asexual and otherwise compatible.

That "small minority" is pretty much what I was referring to when I argued that some sexuals would be alright with celibacy (and if they have an intrinsic desire, they are sexual, not asexual). One of those people, or one of these "few sexuals" would be pretty much the kind of character I'd like to write.

Also, as a general update: I've been reading asexual!Sherlock (paired with all sorts of orientations/compromise terms for John) fanfiction and that's proven most fruitful.

[scarletlatitude]

You know, this would be a great character development opportunity. If you have a sexual and an asexual trying to have a relationship, you could show how they work it out. It may be rocky at first, and maybe some feelings get hurt, but in the end they find a way to make it work. I would love reading that.

[Telecaster68]

I don't want too much drama, I'd like a positive/optimistic message overall.

The one doesn't preclude the other, and generally you want more drama in a story rather than less - scenes in which there's no conflict tend to die on their arse. So the story between the couple could be about how they figure out their relationship, so you get to the positive ending, but there's conflict along the way.

And I'd focus on entertaining your audience rather than hitting them over the head with a message.

[nanogretchen4]

When I was coming out in the late 1980's, if a story had a gay character in it that was what the story was about. It was going to be a big drama about coming out or AIDS. Now it is easy to imagine a story where a character solves mysteries, survives in the wilderness, or runs for office, and by the way they're gay.

An asexual couple or possibly even a mixed couple could be in a story without that being the story.

[Telecaster68]

An asexual couple or possibly even a mixed couple could be in a story without that being the story.

True, but as a writer, I'd want them to have some level of conflict over something, even if it's a kind of loving bitching at each other. Any scenes between two people who agree about everything die on their arse.

[TheMaria]

I don't want too much drama, I'd like a positive/optimistic message overall.

The one doesn't preclude the other, and generally you want more drama in a story rather than less - scenes in which there's no conflict tend to die on their arse. So the story between the couple could be about how they figure out their relationship, so you get to the positive ending, but there's conflict along the way.

And I'd focus on entertaining your audience rather than hitting them over the head with a message.

True, but as a writer, I'd want them to have some level of conflict over something, even if it's a kind of loving bitching at each other. Any scenes between two people who agree about everything die on their arse.

This romantic relationship isn't the focus of the story; the supernatural mystery-solving is. I'm actually trying to be careful not to focus on the romance too much. However, there are romantic conflicts: A trying to get close to B, who has trust issues; both not seeking sex for one reason or another (because one thing I find unrealistic is a "typical" sexual giving up sex just for the sake of a partner) but not telling the other; even after that's resolved each character's insecurities can lead to other types of conflict.

[Telecaster68]

Sounds fair enough, but conflict doesnt need to be massive. Holmes and Watson style bickering workworks tosmto keep things interesting.

[TheMaria]

Sounds fair enough, but conflict doesnt need to be massive. Holmes and Watson style bickering workworks tosmto keep things interesting.

Me: I don't want too much drama

You: But you need conflict, so more drama is good

Me: There is this conflict

You: Okay, but less conflict would be enough

You just like to disagree for the sake of it.

[Telecaster68]

No, I don't.