What might lead a character to reject sex?

[TheMaria]

I'm planning to write a story including a an asexual girl in a sexless relationship. My first idea was to give her an undead partner who obviously couldn't have sex, but I'm having second thoughts about that because it seems like a terribly bleak message to send (that the only way that type of relationship could exist is if it's with a dead person) -- and ironically enough, the lack of replies on the posts I made here trying to find people in that situation is leading me to believe reality is indeed terribly bleak...

So screw real people; now I'm trying to think of fictional motivations for an allosexual character to be willing to be in a sexless relationship. Anyone would like to help with ideas for that? I've thought of simply not caring about sex but though I've actually met two guys like that, every time I come on AVEN it leaves me with the feeling that those people cannot exist and either are lying or don't know what they're saying because they have never actually been in a sexless relationship; I've thought of medical reasons and if they're incurable that's fine, but if it's something like asthma or heart problems I question whether that would be enough for someone to forego sex; I've thought of religion, of course, but I'm not interested in that.

I guess it's clear that this issue isn't only about fictional characters. What really frustrates me is that I tear apart every potential motivation I come up with and write them off as unrealistic because I never seem to be allowed to believe (including on AVEN, especially on AVEN) that it's possible for allosexuals to just not care about/not want sex.

I don't even know if this goes on the Open Mic Forum anymore :P

[Telecaster68]

As a general rule, sexuals are going to want sex, and reasons for not wanting sex are going to be contingent on a particular situation they're in. Illness yes... especially if it kills the libido, like constant chronic pain can. Otherwise - stress/tiredness, or not fancying your partner (either physically, or because you're really pissed off or hurt with them), or maybe trying to avoid sex because, for a male at least, you've got ED and you don't want to admit it.

But as a general principle? Not going to happen, because then they wouldn't be sexual.

[TheMaria]

As a general rule, sexuals are going to want sex, and reasons for not wanting sex are going to be contingent on a particular situation they're in. Illness yes... especially if it kills the libido, like constant chronic pain can. Otherwise - stress/tiredness, or not fancying your partner (either physically, or because you're really pissed off or hurt with them), or maybe trying to avoid sex because, for a male at least, you've got ED and you don't want to admit it.

But as a general principle? Not going to happen, because then they wouldn't be sexual.

Really? Tell me more about how no asexuals are gonna choose to have sex, because then they wouldn't be asexual; tell me more about how these two sexual guys I mentioned who don't care about sex must be lying or deluded; tell me more about how behaviour does in fact define orientation and vice-versa. This is exactly the kind of shit that depresses me.

[Telecaster68]

The asexuals on here choose to have sex for the sake of their partners or for children. Left to themselves, they wouldn't choose to have it. Your own post implied the two guys were lying or deluded. Behaviour doesn't define orientation, but it's a pretty good indicator of it in general.

Was your original query genuine or were you just looking for something to kick off about?

[ghostlyfox]

Perhaps they care so much about the other person that they're willing to have a sexless relationship with them?

[TheMaria]

The asexuals on here choose to have sex for the sake of their partners or for children. Left to themselves, they wouldn't choose to have it. Your own post implied the two guys were lying or deluded. Behaviour doesn't define orientation, but it's a pretty good indicator of it in general.

Was your original query genuine or were you just looking for something to kick off about?

Yes, and that's not different from a sexual person choosing not to have sex for the sake of their partner. My post implied everyone says they are. It was a genuine query, but 1- you're not supposed to answer "no" to a "why/what might lead" question and 2- I don't see why I should accept answers I don't agree with without questioning/debating them.

Edit: Never mind the first point, I suppose you could answer "nothing".

[Telecaster68]

It's dramatically more interesting if they're actually not particularly happy to not have sex but want to stick in the relationship for love (which is pretty common in mixed relationships). There's a whole bunch of drama there to enrich the story,

[Touchofinsight]

I think most sexual men who forego sex do it out of convenience reasons. Something like sex and relationships are just too much of a pain in the ass or getting sex isn't worth all the hassle you have to put up with etc.

[flesh-pocket]

maybe he could have had bad experiences with sex that make him not value it highly, but i guess that could lead to a repressed character that you may not be going for...

you could have it that he's shy and wants to move slow himself, or that he thought that he was asexual or similar like his partner, but over the course of the relationship realized he wasn't but still doesn't want to pressure her for anything?

i don't think its terrible to have a male character thats explicitly less sexual than what our culture says men are supposed to be, i.e, doesn't want it all the time.

that doesn't mean he won't intrinsically want sex to be a part of his life in some way, but if these characters haven't been together for decades maybe that wouldn't come up over the course of the story? maybe their relationship could wax more platonic a lot of the time because of the lack of intimacy on his end, but they both still really care about each other and stick together even just as friends?

that last bit sounds completely reasonable to me, but then again i might be aromantic myself.

and of course there could be an open/poly relationship in place...

[TheMaria]

It's dramatically more interesting if they're actually not particularly happy to not have sex but want to stick in the relationship for love (which is pretty common in mixed relationships). There's a whole bunch of drama there to enrich the story,

When and why did your stance change from "sexuals will never not have sex by choice" to "pretty common in mixed relationships"?

I think most sexual men who forego sex do it out of convenience reasons. Something like sex and relationships are just too much of a pain in the ass or getting sex isn't worth all the hassle you have to put up with etc.

But wouldn't these men find romance too much hassle as well?

[Guest]

I've met quite a few sexual men on FetLife who are physically unable to have penetrative sex due to being too large. Even receiving oral hurts them too much because its so much pressure around their..organ. Most of them feel like broken freaks and have many failed relationships due to being unable to have "any real form of sex" ..Yes they can *give* oral sex and fingering etc, but it seems many sexual women aren't happy with just these things? So these guys remain single and unhappy. They are also usually deeply ashamed of their condition and suffer a lot because of it (in the same way many women wish they had huge breasts but women who actually have huge breasts often suffer a lot because of them. Same with a very large penis..the fantasy is a *lot* nicer than the reality) It's not that they don't want sex though, it's that they *can't* physically have it without extreme discomfort to both themselves and their partner. The one's I've talked to have for the most part been very happy to learn that there are women who can desire a loving romantic relationship without needing sex at all.

Edit: by large I mean 10 inches plus, biggest I met was 12.6 inches, and very thick too.

[TheMaria]

maybe he could have had bad experiences with sex that make him not value it highly, but i guess that could lead to a repressed character that you may not be going for...

maybe their relationship could wax more platonic a lot of the time because of the lack of intimacy on his end, but they both still really care about each other and stick together even just as friends?

I don't think traumatised people are necessarily 'repressed'. In fact, I have a problem with this mindset that one must seek to overcome traumas. It's like sure, you might want to go skydiving badly enough to seek therapy for your phobia of heights, but you might also decide skydiving isn't worth all that hassle after all.

Hmm, that gives me this idea: being in a 'more platonic' relationship, defined as such only by the lack of sex plus not wanting a so-labelled romantic relationship due to drama, hassle etc (which is pretty common) and therefore not seeking a sexual partner pretty much equals being in a sexless romantic relationship. Does that reasoning work?

I've met quite a few sexual men on FetLife who are physically unable to have penetrative sex due to being too large. The one's I've talked to have for the most part been very happy to learn that there are women who can desire a loving romantic relationship without needing sex at all.

Edit: by large I mean 10 inches plus, biggest I met was 12.6 inches, and very thick too.

Interesting... Also I suppose being 'happy to learn' that sexless relationships are possible could apply to any sort of incurable medical/physical condition.

[Guest]

Jesus Maria, you sure are hostile!

Sexuals are going to prefer having some sort of sexual relationship. That means that there are tons of sexless relationships out there... just not many happy sexless relationships.

If you're going for realism, make the sexual miserable, or make the relationship open. If you're going for fiction, latch on really tightly to those two sexual male friends you have who are happy to never have a single sexual experience for the rest of their life and stop yelling at the sexuals on this board.

[Guest]

maybe he could have had bad experiences with sex that make him not value it highly, but i guess that could lead to a repressed character that you may not be going for...

maybe their relationship could wax more platonic a lot of the time because of the lack of intimacy on his end, but they both still really care about each other and stick together even just as friends?

I don't think traumatised people are necessarily 'repressed'. In fact, I have a problem with this mindset that one must seek to overcome traumas. It's like sure, you might want to go skydiving badly enough to seek therapy for your phobia of heights, but you might also decide skydiving isn't worth all that hassle after all.

Hmm, that gives me this idea: being in a 'more platonic' relationship, defined as such only by the lack of sex plus not wanting a so-labelled romantic relationship due to drama, hassle etc (which is pretty common) and therefore not seeking a sexual partner pretty much equals being in a sexless romantic relationship. Does that reasoning work?

I've met quite a few sexual men on FetLife who are physically unable to have penetrative sex due to being too large. The one's I've talked to have for the most part been very happy to learn that there are women who can desire a loving romantic relationship without needing sex at all.

Edit: by large I mean 10 inches plus, biggest I met was 12.6 inches, and very thick too.

Interesting... Also I suppose being 'happy to learn' that sexless relationships are possible could apply to any sort of incurable medical/physical condition.

Maria, those aren't sexless relationships, they're merely relationships wherein the sex isn't PIV.

[SithLord]

You could have an open relationship where the sexual partner has sex with others but not the asexual partner. Doesn't have to be polyamory exactly, just allow the sexual partner to have sex friends or one-night stands or something.

[TheMaria]

Jesus Maria, you sure are hostile!

Sexuals are going to prefer having some sort of sexual relationship. That means that there are tons of sexless relationships out there... just not many happy sexless relationships.

If you're going for realism, make the sexual miserable, or make the relationship open. If you're going for fiction, latch on really tightly to those two sexual male friends you have who are happy to never have a single sexual experience for the rest of your life and stop yelling at the sexuals on this board.

Yes, I am bitter and insecure, which tends to make me hostile when faced with 'triggering', so to say, generalisations. I'm not yelling at anyone, however. What even is realism, though? Because basing a character off those two male friends who are actually real people I know seems rather realistic... That's a genuine question, I'm not just picking on what you said.

Maria, those aren't sexless relationships, they're merely relationships wherein the sex isn't PIV.

What "those" were you referring to and how do you know they aren't sexless?

[kelico]

Thread moved from Open Mic to The Gray Area.

-kelico

Open Mic Moderator

[Guest]

Maria, those aren't sexless relationships, they're merely relationships wherein the sex isn't PIV.

No I was referring to all forms of sex involving the mans penis. They can't have oral, anal,and even find breast sex and hand jobs uncomfortable. This is with about 5 of these guys that I've talked to so far (not saying they're all like that of course) The ones I talked to have had repeated failed relationships due to being unable to enjoy sex (which causes them to start trying to avoid it with their partner etc) yet didn't realize there was really an "alternative" until they met me and found out that women exist who are happy to have, and even desire, a sexless relationship (but one that is still "normal" romantically in all other ways) ..They don't identify as asexual because of course they still desire sex (any form) and would have it if they could enjoy it, they just can't enjoy it due to their issues physically. I don't identify as asexual anymore I just identify as "no desire for or enjoyment of partnered sex" which is why people like this have been messaging me. People don't really take the label "asexual" seriously I've found (not really surprising) but when you state flat out on a BDSM/fetish site that you don't want sex and aren't interested in having it, ever, people are a lot more likely to listen and ask questions etc (otherwise I probably never would have met these guys)

Also though I do agree it would be realistic to have a "normal" sexual. being celibate with the ace, but still experience times of unhappiness due to their desire for sex? I know there is a sexual partner on this site who has been in a sexless relationship with her ace husband for decades(?) now and she seems to be relatively happy from the posts I've read of hers, though there have been very hard times and she does miss sex etc etc..it would be a great emotional struggle to portray in fiction!!

[Guest]

wait is this partner meant to be a man or a woman? because there is a condition women get too called vulvodynia which makes any form of contact with their genitals agonisinly painful. Yes they still desire sex and are very unhappy that they can't have it, but there is often no treatment for this condition so it's just something they have to suffer with (and either experience extremely painful sex or have an unhappy partner because they can't have it at all) ..SO a woman like that may be very happy in a relationship with an ace.. She can be loved and cared for romantically etc, but with no pressure to have sex (anything done to her genitasl) which she knows will hurt her.

[Member54880]

A relationship without sex doesn't have to be miserable for the non-asexual partner, if they're either okay with not having it for their partner, or if they chose to never have sex anyways, but still wanted some sort of relationship.

Non-asexuals can also be sex-repulsed, and that repulsion might not have a cause. Despite intrinsically desiring sex, it'd still repulsive to them. It could be that some sex-repulsed people want to change, but those who actually do (instead of feeling like they have to change due to pressure to have sex) may have enjoyed it in the past. All of the sex-repulsed non-asexuals I've met didn't want to change, and want to never have sex.

Trauma can be another reason for choosing to never have sex. I agree it's a problem when someone is pressured into treatment to "get over" not wanting sex. It can take a lot of time, energy, and expensive therapy sessions to try and overcome aversion to anything due to trauma, and someone may decide it's not worth the costs.

I've also seen some voluntarily celibate non-asexuals say that they feel like sex and romance are linked for them, and find both of them to be too much of a hassle. Because sex and romance feel linked for them, they can't imagine having one without the other, so they choose neither.

There may also ideological reasons that aren't religious, because they think there's a lot of suffering related to sex and don't want to be involved in that. They may feel like they'd be "used" by another person (would this count as an ideological reason separate from sex-repulsion?), or have grown disillusioned with sex and reject it altogether because of how it has affected themselves and/or others (i.e: seen others cheat, relationships fail due to sex, sexual violence within relationships, sexual objectification). This could include people who never had sex for those reasons, or it's possible they used to enjoy sex before becoming disillusioned altogether and feel they're happy to never have it again.

Or pragmatically, they think the risks, the drawbacks, and the time and energy it takes to seek out sex or invest in a sexual relationship outweigh the benefits. That can be related to any other reason, but can be a reason on its own.

Another pragmatic reason is if someone is extremely invested in their work and don't mind giving up sex. There's a saying that goes that they're "married to the job", though chances are they didn't place that high of a priority on sex anyways.

These aren't the only possible reasons, and could apply for asexuals or non-asexuals.

EDIT: What genre will your story be? If there'll be fantasy elements in it, a character could have powers bound by an oath, and the oath was to never have sex. In a twist, the character could say it wasn't a sacrifice to them.

[Sally]

Yes, I am bitter and insecure, which tends to make me hostile when faced with 'triggering', so to say, generalisations. I'm not yelling at anyone, however.

Yes, actually you were -- maybe not in caps, but it was yelling.

I wonder if being bitter and insecure and therefore hostile when triggered makes for a good emotional state in which to write fiction.

[Guest]

Yes, I am bitter and insecure, which tends to make me hostile when faced with 'triggering', so to say, generalisations. I'm not yelling at anyone, however.

Yes, actually you were -- maybe not in caps, but it was yelling.

I wonder if being bitter and insecure and therefore hostile when triggered makes for a good emotional state in which to write fiction.

Any state can be good to write fiction depending on what you're going for. I find writing in an emotional state a lot more rewarding, it's like the creativity feeds off the emotions.

[Telecaster68]

When and why did your stance change from "sexuals will never not have sex by choice" to "pretty common in mixed relationships"?

It didn't change. The sexuals aren't sexless by choice.

[El-not-so-ace]

Be like I was?

Sex-repulsed and a virgin. Apparently with a libido low enough that I hadn't thought about touching myself ever?

[TheMaria]

wait is this partner meant to be a man or a woman?

Probably a man.

EDIT: What genre will your story be? If there'll be fantasy elements in it, a character could have powers bound by an oath, and the oath was to never have sex. In a twist, the character could say it wasn't a sacrifice to them.

Thanks for the input :) It's a supernatural mysteries sort of thing, so yes, I could use fantasy elements to help justify it.

When and why did your stance change from "sexuals will never not have sex by choice" to "pretty common in mixed relationships"?

It didn't change. The sexuals aren't sexless by choice.

Sexuals want sex as a general rule, but might enter/stay in sexless relationships if the love for their partner outweighs the inevitable emotional suffering of being sexless, is that it? If only you'd put it like that on your first post...

[TheMaria]

Double post.

[Telecaster68]

I assumed it was so obvious given the thousands of posts in the Allies section, that you'd considered it and rejected it.

[TheMaria]

I assumed it was so obvious given the thousands of posts in the Allies section, that you'd considered it and rejected it.

I don't really follow the stories there, but I guess I assumed people either found a way to compromise (with some sort of sex involved) or broke up. I apologise for my previous hostility, I see now that it was a misunderstanding.

[Telecaster68]

I've always found the value of forums in researching stuff is you get to read people's actual experiences in their own voices - it's well worth the time it takes.

[TheMaria]

I've always found the value of forums in researching stuff is you get to read people's actual experiences in their own voices - it's well worth the time it takes.

Like I said in the OP I tried asking for "sexless mixed relationship succes stories", but had no replies. Maybe I gave up too soon or should have searched past threads, oh well.