Skyway Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 Hi there... As the title explains, I could really use some advice on how to introduce more physical intimacy into my relationship. My boyfriend is asexual, which I've known pretty much from the get go. We've been together for a year, and we haven't been sexual in any way since he told me about his asexuality about ten months ago. We're pretty physical in the sense that we cuddle and kiss and hold hands, but I feel like there is always a barrier between us. He seems uncomfortable around me, or perhaps he is cautious not to get me turned on. He avoids touching my breasts and I'm always careful not to get near his groin in fear that he will feel uncomfortable or pressured. It's really starting to take a toll on me. When we are close, I am always so painfully aware about how we avoid certain parts of each others bodies, that I can't relax and just enjoy it. But at the same time I am constantly craving physical attention from him, because I desperately long for that feeling of connection. In addition to that, it is very hard on my self-esteem to feel that my body, or parts of it anyway, are "wrong" and that he is so obviously avoiding them. I've always felt comfortable in my own skin, but lately I've been feeling very self-conscious and almost ashamed when I'm naked in front of him. Has anyone else been in this situation and been able to work through it? If we could get to a point where we could be comfortable enough to take a shower together, or where he could put his hand on my breast when we cuddled, without there being anything sexual in it, it would be so much easier for me to deal with the lack of a sexual connection. I would love to hear any advice or input you have, both sexuals and asexuals. Thanks <3 Link to post Share on other sites
Siimo van der fietspad Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 It might sound simplistic, but have you actually talked about this? If you are in a relationship you have every right to know each other's limits and desires, and don't imagine that you will both create some kind of telepathic Bluetooth connection that downloads every detail of your partner's brain to yours. Communication is essential. Next time you are more intimate, just suggest 'you know, I don't mind you touching me here' or 'are you ok with me doing this?' I don't want you to get into the circle of thinking that because he might not be interested in your body that you feel it is ugly. Do you think, objectively, you look alright? If he isn't repulsed (which doesn't sound likely) then he probably doesn't think so either. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 He might well be avoiding all that touching because he thinks you'll interpret it as a sexual invitation, and he doesn't want to go there. So a conversation explaining that you're not about to jump his bones at the slightest chance could help. Link to post Share on other sites
Skyway Posted June 21, 2016 Author Share Posted June 21, 2016 I can see that I should've been more specific. We have tried talking about it, but he says he is uncomfortable with too much physical contact. He was also uncomfortable with cuddling and kissing in the beginning, but he didn't tell me about it before he'd gotten to a point where he'd actually begun to enjoy it. I really want to ease into it slowly, so that hopefully over time he can learn to be comfortable with my body, and his own for that matter. I don't believe he is repulsed by my body or thinks it is ugly. But sometimes I feel like he would prefer my body to be like a Barbie doll, with nipple-less lumps on my chest and a smooth area instead of a vagina. And that makes me feel uncomfortable with myself and somehow ashamed about the parts of my body that serve a sexual purpose. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 From what I've read on here, there's a good chance he'll never get comfortable with your body, and physical closeness. All you can do is try to make yourself more comfortable with the lack of closeness, since you can't change him. Link to post Share on other sites
tali.lynn Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 It's important to realize that while for you, physical intimacy is an important part of expressing love and affection, for asexual people physical intimacy (sex or sexual acts) can make the person feel more distant from their partner and cause them to withdraw. It might be good to sit down with him and discuss exactly how far you will go for *blank* period of time (i.e. set a limit and then re-discuss every 3 or 6 months), perhaps this will allow him to relax without feeling like you will unexpectedly try pushing any boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
Skyway Posted June 21, 2016 Author Share Posted June 21, 2016 I know there is a chance he will never become comfortable with it. But does that mean we shouldn't give it a shot? After all he does enjoy the level of physical closeness we share now, even though a year ago he disliked it and basically only did it for my sake. I want to make clear that I am not talking about anything sexual here, right now I am just trying to get to a point where we can be comfortable with each others bodies in a nonsexual way. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted June 22, 2016 Share Posted June 22, 2016 What you call "not sexual" may be what he calls "sexual". It is entirely up to him what he wants to do. Link to post Share on other sites
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