I'm (probably) demisexual but I recently tried sex for the first time

[lillyloveless]

Hi, so I'm 24 and female. I've suspected I'm demisexual for the past few years (you can read my other forum post for context), having only ever had strong attraction to one person (a boy) well over seven years ago.

Since then, I have not felt sexual or romantic attraction to anyone (other than fictional characters!), and have felt pretty alienated, to be honest. I love spending time alone, but I have many wonderful friends and I'd love to try a romantic relationship with someone just to see what it's like - but only if I'm very connected to someone. Whether we have sex or not doesn't really matter to me at this stage.

However, four nights ago, I went to a party with my university classmates. At the end of the evening, a few of us were drunk and walking home, and one friendly guy from my class (who lives really far away, with no late night transport to get home) asked to crash at someone's house. No one else offered so I did as I felt bad for him, and as I've had plenty of male friends over before.

When we got to my place I set up a mattress for him on the floor, but he asked to share my bed since it looked comfier. Again, other male friends have innocently shared my bed before, so I naively thought nothing of it. This particular guy had never so much as flirted with me before, so I didn't suspect he was making any unwanted advances towards me.

However, after about ten minutes of lying in the dark he started making moves on me. In my head, I quickly asked myself: Will I finally try sex for the first time?

Lots of people have tried to initiate sex with me in the past, and I have turned them all down/gone no further than handsy stuff, but this time was different because of a (silly) secret pact I made with myself years ago that if I didn't have sex by the time I turned 25, I'd probably never try it. Since my birthday is in two weeks, I figured it was now or never, and decided to consent in the moment, since this was a harmless, conventionally attractive, friendly guy I felt I could trust. Bear in mind, I was also quite drunk!

Anyway, things moved pretty fast. We used a condom, and it was uncomfortable rather than painful. But very early on I realised not only would I not be able to orgasm (no matter how hard he tried, and to give him credit, he really was trying to focus on me!), but that I was not really enjoying any aspect of the act. In fact, I was pretty bored and just waiting for him to finish.

Unfortunately for me, since he was drunk, he lasted over an hour as he admitted he struggles to cum when he's drunk,. That meant for an hour I pretended I was enjoying myself rather than just wanting to go to sleep! In private I can easily make myself orgasm, but again, I wouldn't expect a basic stranger be able to get me there, let alone one I have no romantic feelings for...

Anyway, the whole event was sort-of surreal, and I felt like an actress playing a role the whole time, pretending to make noises of enjoyment on cue etc. Again, I don't think it's because he was in any way "bad" at sex (infact he is older and quite skilled), or even my inexperience, but that it purely came down to me and my likely demisexuality.

Afterwards, he was very tender and boyfriend-like, and I honestly just wanted him to LEAVE. He tried to initiate sex again in the morning, but I managed to avoid it as another friend of mine was coming over so I had a good excuse to kick him out. He kissed me goodbye and I suspect he'd probably like to date me, but I'm not interested in him that way.

Since then, I honestly think I could easily never have sex again. But feel like I should maybe give it another go if I ever have feelings for someone ever again, which I still really hope I will in my lifetime.

On a side note, my regret over the event has only grown over the last few days.

Sorry if this is TMI, but not only did I have to buy an expensive morning after pill (because at one stage very early on the condom fell off because he was drunk, and I'd rather be safe than sorry!) but I have also been battling a painful UTI. It all feels like a MASSIVE slap in the face for an experience I didn't in any way enjoy.

Anway, I just wanted to get this off my chest because I'm feeling pretty low, sore and run-down about it four days later. I suppose the outcome is that it did once and for all prove everything I already thought about myself: that I'm indeed demisexual.

But also I feel sadness because I worry I won't have feelings for someone ever again and I'll always be alone. At this age, I'm happy to be alone as I have so many great friends, but when they get married and have kids and have hardly any spare time, I will truly be alone :(

[Parmenides]

You shouldn't worry because even if all of your friends would get super-busy you still would find many other singles/asexuals friends.

[dissolved]

Fellow demisexual here.

Sex with someone you're not bothered about really sucks. Drunk sex with someone you're not bothered about sucks even more. Now you know, you won't do it again ;)

RE: age... I'm 30 and I only confirmed that I'm demisexual last year, so don't worry about it. Easier said than done, I know, but there are more important things in life that need your attention. Someone will appear when you least expect it and bowl you over :)

[Skyway]

I'm sorry to hear you had such a bad experience. If it's any consolation, most one night stands are like that, based on my experience. And I wouldn't worry about ending up lonely. I am 29 and most of my friends are still single and will probably stay so for a long time. To be honest, I am often the one feeling left out, because I miss out on the stuff they do together, when I spend time with my boyfriend.

[lillyloveless]

Thanks for the nice messages everyone.

I actually have never met another person on the asexual spectrum in real life (to my knowledge) which is why I tend to feel like the odd fish out. I'd love to have fellow asexual/demisexual friend(s) in real life who would understand. My group of friends are nice to me about it but don't really quite grasp the concept (they mistakenly put me down as being 'picky', rather than genuinely just not experiencing attraction at all, 99.9% of the time), and most of them have admittedly pretty high sex drives. I have several polyamorous friends, so we joke that we're like yin and yang together!

Also, barely any of my friends are ever single for long so I am basically the constant old maid of the group haha. I put a lot of effort into my friendships, but admittedly most of my gang do put their partners first. Most of them are keen to settle down and start having children by their late 20s (the idea is scary to me!).... So as I said it's always in the back of my mind that they'll all move on with families and will have understandably less time for friendships, which is just how life goes.

My paranoia over the future stems from my own mother explaining that once she had kids, she basically lost touch with all of her childless friends because they were on such different paths... I feel like I will be that childless distant friend in time As I currently don't envision myself ever being married or having children... (Never say never I know...)

And yes, I'm kicking myself about the whole one-night-stand business because I knew myself well enough beforehand to know I would be unlikely to enjoy it, but I guess I was just finally curious enough to give it a go incase I could feel some SEMBLANCE of feelings, because I do keep putting myself out there, but feeling numb about ever person I kiss/been pursued by.

I've also been considering coming out as demisexual to my mother. But I told my brother year's ago and he didn't accept it - said I was just picky and trying to be a special snowflake, which hurt. He still won't accept it years later, which sucks, because normally we're very close and it feels like he's invalidating an important aspect of who I am.

I'm worried my mother will do the same if I come out to her about it, or blame my parent's divorce for it or something, rather than it being something unrelated and innate within me! We don't choose our sexuality :( But I feel I need to tell her at some point as my family put's pressure on me to find someone and settle down from time to time, which also sucks.

[Kitykat17]

I feel like I can relate to you a lot. I've never had sex but I too have often made pacts with myself to just do it, but I haven't yet and I'm 26! I also often feel like all my friends are going to move on without me and I'm going to be left alone :/ It's a pretty lonely feeling that hard to explain to someone who doesn't understand.

[WhenSummersGone]

I had the same experience but many times lol. Bored + indifference to sex made me have it too many times. Felt good physically but no drive to have it. During I always felt the same as you, faking interest until it was over, but at some point I reached my limit. So I'm glad you can realize it can really suck for Demisexual's before you try it again and again like I did.

[lillyloveless]

I had the same experience but many times lol. Bored + indifference to sex made me have it too many times. Felt good physically but no drive to have it. During I always felt the same as you, faking interest until it was over, but at some point I reached my limit. So I'm glad you can realize it can really suck for Demisexual's before you try it again and again like I did.

Thanks for sharing. Yes, once was truly enough for me to know once and for all I'm demisexual! I've always suspected sex would potentially be dull for me but I still wanted to try it just once to see... I was still hoping it would be with someone I had at least some sort of attraction/romantic feelings for, but after seven years of waiting around for anyone I liked to show up I gave up and went with it in the moment this time around.

Since having sex last Friday, things have gotten so much worse. :( I ended up in hospital yesterday!

I literally can't believe my luck, I have sex ONE time, don't enjoy it at all, and end up in excruciating pain.... basically this guy had been too rough with me and gave me a UTI (possibly he didn't have the cleanest hands!). I've never had a UTI before, and because I expected to be uncomfortable after having first-time sex, I didn't realize anything more serious was going on for the first day or two. Then by day three, I was in so much pain I was in tears.

My local NHS doctor is overbooked and told me they couldn't see me for a week and a half. In the meantime, I was trying to cure myself by drinking about 4 litres of water a day but unfortunately it wasn't going away on its own. Long story short, the infection spread to my kidneys and bladder. I wasn't able to walk properly from abdominal pain and had to get a taxi to the hospital, where they said they might like to keep me overnight on an IV drip of antibiotics. But I told them I'd prefer to get well at home, so they've let me come home for the weekend. I'm due back in on Monday for an ultrasound test.

So, after a bunch of tests yesterday, the doctor saw that my kidneys and bladder are inflamed and I'm on 10 days of antibiotics and dihydrocodeine pain killers (which are basically like codeine mixed with morphine - SUPER strong ;) ). I honestly am nearly laughing at how bad things have escalated. It's cost me over £200 in medical fees so far... Has anyone else every experienced this?!

Literally, I am NEVER having sex again. Lesson brutally learned.

[lillyloveless]

I feel like I can relate to you a lot. I've never had sex but I too have often made pacts with myself to just do it, but I haven't yet and I'm 26! I also often feel like all my friends are going to move on without me and I'm going to be left alone :/ It's a pretty lonely feeling that hard to explain to someone who doesn't understand.

Thanks for your message, it's reassuring to hear I'm not the only one who feels this way. By my mid-20s, I didn't have any friends left who haven't had proper relationships, and I felt left behind. So the silly pact I made was actually because Tina Fey lost it at 24 (to the guy who later turned out to be her husband, which is quite sweet), and I admire her haha... and so I just panicked since I'm about to turn 25 in a few days. So random really.

But I had hoped these past few years someone would eventually come along that I felt something for (didn't have to be love, I would have settled for a silly infatuation!) If it helps to hear at all, I don't feel any less alienated for having lost my virginity now (which is a weird societal construct anyway...) it only helped to confirm what I already suspected about myself, and I actually ended up in hospital yesterday from sleeping with the boy because the UTI spread to my kidneys etc. It's cost me a fortunate in medical bills, and the pain has been *excruciating*. I'm in shock at how badly things have gone since! :o

[njosnavelin]

I am glad someone else felt the way I did when I experienced sex for the first time. It happened in the same sorta of way. Both of us slightly drunk. We were laying in my bed. She started to make moves on me. I went with it. As our bodies were intertwined in our roles my brain keep thinking, “This is it?” I felt let down.

I am sorry to hear all of the extra stuff that is going on with you afterward. What a drag. When something is suppose to be pleasurable experience and instead it turns out in this long process to recover yourself. It is aggravating. I wish for your recovery!

[WhenSummersGone]

I had the same experience but many times lol. Bored + indifference to sex made me have it too many times. Felt good physically but no drive to have it. During I always felt the same as you, faking interest until it was over, but at some point I reached my limit. So I'm glad you can realize it can really suck for Demisexual's before you try it again and again like I did.

Thanks for sharing. Yes, once was truly enough for me to know once and for all I'm demisexual! I've always suspected sex would potentially be dull for me but I still wanted to try it just once to see... I was still hoping it would be with someone I had at least some sort of attraction/romantic feelings for, but after seven years of waiting around for anyone I liked to show up I gave up and went with it in the moment this time around.

Since having sex last Friday, things have gotten so much worse. :( I ended up in hospital yesterday!

I literally can't believe my luck, I have sex ONE time, don't enjoy it at all, and end up in excruciating pain.... basically this guy had been too rough with me and gave me a UTI (possibly he didn't have the cleanest hands!). I've never had a UTI before, and because I expected to be uncomfortable after having first-time sex, I didn't realize anything more serious was going on for the first day or two. Then by day three, I was in so much pain I was in tears.

My local NHS doctor is overbooked and told me they couldn't see me for a week and a half. In the meantime, I was trying to cure myself by drinking about 4 litres of water a day but unfortunately it wasn't going away on its own. Long story short, the infection spread to my kidneys and bladder. I wasn't able to walk properly from abdominal pain and had to get a taxi to the hospital, where they said they might like to keep me overnight on an IV drip of antibiotics. But I told them I'd prefer to get well at home, so they've let me come home for the weekend. I'm due back in on Monday for an ultrasound test.

So, after a bunch of tests yesterday, the doctor saw that my kidneys and bladder are inflamed and I'm on 10 days of antibiotics and dihydrocodeine pain killers (which are basically like codeine mixed with morphine - SUPER strong ;) ). I honestly am nearly laughing at how bad things have escalated. It's cost me over £200 in medical fees so far... Has anyone else every experienced this?!

Literally, I am NEVER having sex again. Lesson brutally learned.

Glad to share and to hear that! Sorry to hear you went through all of that just after a one time thing :(