I don't want to hurt anybody

[butterflydreams]

Ok, excellent. I'm not immediately repulsive :lol:

Yeah, stage one is definitely just getting a conversation going...even online...which is easier said than done I'm afraid.

But I will say I've opened myself up to a much wider array of people over time. Beggars can't be choosers and all. I feel kinda bad about that, like I don't get to be with people I'm interested in? But I do try very hard, and it's hard to know what to do when nothing seems to work.

The devil's advocate in me wants to ask though: Is it possible that what I have now is what my life will be? That all that stuff just isn't meant for me? That I should be happy with the friends I have and not ask for more than that?

[Tarfeather]

In my experience, you should go for the people you're naturally interested in. Free benefit of that is that the "showing interest" part won't be a conscious effort, and will come across as much more genuine and natural.

But the much more important reason is that your subconscious picks up all kinds of subtle information and ignoring all that can be a bad idea, i.e. lead to really bad relationships. At the end of the day, even if you'll have a lower chance of finding dates, you'll increase your chances of finding a relationship that works out.

And yes, it really is this stupid "all or nothing" kind of deal. If I hadn't met my partner by chance, I still would be long-term single, and I might as well assume that it's just impossible to like me. Having met my partner, I know that is not the case, but that's just.. pure chance, honestly. You haven't had that kind of luck yet, but I don't think it necessarily means you're doing something wrong; If you just continue what you're doing, you might by great good luck get exactly what you're seeking.

[Snao Cone]

The devil's advocate in me wants to ask though: Is it possible that what I have now is what my life will be? That all that stuff just isn't meant for me? That I should be happy with the friends I have and not ask for more than that?

You're younger than me, so I sure hope life continues to grow after this point :P

The benefits of friendships and relationships go in both directions, so you're not asking for anything without offering to give something back. What you're asking for is a chance at an experience from whatever it is that you believe creates existence (a deity, a force of fate, pure chance, etc). You're not demanding things from people, but you're seeking to share meaningful interactions and experiences with them.

[nanogretchen4]

Since you are transitioning it seems more logical to assume that the status quo is likely to change. It will probably become clearer whether you are actually asexual or not. Knowing who you are looking for will probably make the dating process easier, in theory. Keep in mind that I'm bisexual and demisexual. Having no clue who I'm looking for is my own dating issue.

Probably it's harder to get a conversation started on a dating website because of the laser focus on dating. People don't typically try to date if they know in advance that they have incompatible orientations. It doesn't mean they don't like you or wouldn't want to be friends with you. I figure if you socialize with people based on similar hobbies or interests you'll make lots of friends, most of whom aren't interested in dating or even single for that matter. If you are screening each other in advance based on immediate dating potential, then you don't meet as many people. It's just a numbers game. Persistence and patience will probably pay off eventually. In the meantime, do try to be as happy as you can. Happiness and confidence are very attractive.

[butterflydreams]

You haven't had that kind of luck yet, but I don't think it necessarily means you're doing something wrong; If you just continue what you're doing, you might by great good luck get exactly what you're seeking.

I'd be lying if I said it wasn't exhausting. I've been at this consciously since I was 18. And yes, you could argue that I've had some important realizations in recent years and that I should focus on the now, but I can't forget the 7-8 years that preceded it, you know?

Plus, I'm the kind of person who tries to be very focused on my own shit. I never blame others. If something goes wrong, what could I have done better? How can I learn and improve this situation in the future?

The devil's advocate in me wants to ask though: Is it possible that what I have now is what my life will be? That all that stuff just isn't meant for me? That I should be happy with the friends I have and not ask for more than that?

You're younger than me, so I sure hope life continues to grow after this point :P

The benefits of friendships and relationships go in both directions, so you're not asking for anything without offering to give something back. What you're asking for is a chance at an experience from whatever it is that you believe creates existence (a deity, a force of fate, pure chance, etc). You're not demanding things from people, but you're seeking to share meaningful interactions and experiences with them.

One of the most important things to me is being a good friend. Being there for my friends, and pulling for them, and encouraging them when they're having doubts.

It seems kinda silly to admit it, but if you promise not to make fun of me...it's something I consistently wish/ask for. Every year I say, "hey, can I maybe get a chance this year? I promise, just give me a sliver of a chance and I'll run so far with it. I'll do all the work. Just let me have that slight opening. Show me the hairline crack in the wall. Anything." But it never happens, so it's hard to retain optimism about it.

In the meantime, do try to be as happy as you can. Happiness and confidence are very attractive.

I'm trying as hard as I can. My friend at work told me that she thought I was an awesome person, and that I had a lot of positive attributes, but my huge confidence deficit was absolutely holding me back. She said that if I could somehow gain confidence, or even the appearance of confidence, I'd be really intimidating. I'd love to be able to show her that she's right about me. It was such a sweet thing to say. I hate feeling like I'm letting people down by continuously messing up on improving my flaws year after year.

[Snao Cone]

In the meantime, do try to be as happy as you can. Happiness and confidence are very attractive.

I'm trying as hard as I can. My friend at work told me that she thought I was an awesome person, and that I had a lot of positive attributes, but my huge confidence deficit was absolutely holding me back. She said that if I could somehow gain confidence, or even the appearance of confidence, I'd be really intimidating. I'd love to be able to show her that she's right about me. It was such a sweet thing to say. I hate feeling like I'm letting people down by continuously messing up on improving my flaws year after year.

Your friend is absolutely right. It's a really hard inner demon to overcome, but you can always come to us for reassurance that you are indeed awesome and worthy of positive dating experiences that will bring you to a loving relationship and improved self-confidence.

[Tarfeather]

You haven't had that kind of luck yet, but I don't think it necessarily means you're doing something wrong; If you just continue what you're doing, you might by great good luck get exactly what you're seeking.

I'd be lying if I said it wasn't exhausting. I've been at this consciously since I was 18. And yes, you could argue that I've had some important realizations in recent years and that I should focus on the now, but I can't forget the 7-8 years that preceded it, you know?

Plus, I'm the kind of person who tries to be very focused on my own shit. I never blame others. If something goes wrong, what could I have done better? How can I learn and improve this situation in the future?

There are times when there's nobody to blame. Not you, not others. This is one of those times.

[butterflydreams]

Your friend is absolutely right. It's a really hard inner demon to overcome, but you can always come to us for reassurance that you are indeed awesome and worthy of positive dating experiences that will bring you to a loving relationship and improved self-confidence.

This, this is what I should be googling when I'm feeling down. Instead of googling for things that are just going to make me feel worse. I don't know why I do that. There is no validation to be found. I know who I am, and that I'm not intrinsically flawed. My life experience is just different. Not better, not worse, just different. I bet focusing on improving my confidence here and there without a thought to steps further down the line will be a really positive change for me.

I think I also need to learn how to acknowledge the steps I've already taken, and the things I've already achieved. I spent all afternoon yesterday walking around downtown with my brother. I was completely myself. No hiding anything. Wearing what I wanted to wear. Not hiding behind my brother. 4 months ago I was terrified to be myself while pumping gas into my car while the sun was up. Geez, Hadley, give yourself some credit.

[Philip027]

I hate feeling like I'm letting people down by continuously messing up on improving my flaws year after year.

I don't mean this to come across as "nobody cares about you" because hopefully you see that's far from true... but I think it's important to note, people care a lot less than you think they do. That is to say, people don't really keep your failures and shortcomings in mind as much/often as you have to live with them yourself. (I may have mentioned this to you before? Well, in any case, I'm mentioning it again.)

Another thing is that I rather suspect your mentality of being one to "let other people down" is likely rooted from your interactions with your parents (maybe just your mom in particular?), because from my understanding they/she often expressed her disapproval of you for quite a while. I won't lie to you, there are plenty of people in the world who are just like that, but there are also plenty of people who aren't. Most people are going to fall under the category I first described above -- they aren't going to be as disappointed in you as you are of yourself, because they simply won't care enough. They will be busy enough dealing with their own disappointments in themselves, you see :P