How to say no to him? TMI?

[alpha1]

Hey guys!

I've recently been on a few dates with a guy whom I really like and who likes me. I disclosed I was Asexual as I feel it was important to do so. He's been good in taking things at my pace, and I've turned down staying over twice as I didn't feel comfortable and he's been okay with that.

I'm not totally off the idea of intimacy etc, not specifically for me as a person but in terms of the relationship moving forward and for him.

So far we've done kissing etc which I'm comfortable with and the other night his hand ended up under my bra which was also okay in my boundaries. However what I'm not comfortable with right now is me doing anything on him, or him going below the waist so to speak. Any ideas of how to say no if he goes to do something in the moment without offending him?

I usually just put my hand over theirs and move it back to where I'm comfortable but I don't know if that's clear enough for a guy who isn't Ace.

Cheers!

[Tarfeather]

I usually just put my hand over theirs and move it back to where I'm comfortable but I don't know if that's clear enough for a guy who isn't Ace.

It's clear enough. Still hurts, tho'.

[Nuage]

Hi!

Do you think it might be possible to directly tell him that you are not comfortable with anything below the waist? It might be hard to find the opportunity to say it, but at least he would know what exactly makes you uncomfortable?
If he insists though, I'd suggest to be stricter. It's important to respect your boundaries and I hope he does. :)

Good luck!

[Peachyy]

I usually just put my hand over theirs and move it back to where I'm comfortable but I don't know if that's clear enough for a guy who isn't Ace.

It's clear enough. Still hurts, tho'.

what does?

[Telecaster68]

what does?

Having your hand moved. It means 'I don't want you touching me there'. Asexuals are saying 'I don't want you TOUCHING ME THERE', but sexuals tend to hear 'I DON'T WANT YOU touching me there'.

It's pretty clear, but you can soften the blow a lot with a smile and a 'not there, remember?' (or whatever version you prefer), and move his hand to somewhere you do like, not just pushing it away. That way you're saying 'I do like you touching me, just not there' which isn't a rejection. That kind of behaviour is pretty common with sexuals, too.

Setting out boundaries and emphasising this is a bigger deal for you than most people will really help too, as will explicitly spelling out you're not going to get so turned on you'll change your mind and be okay* with him pushing it (which, again, is pretty common with sexual/sexual making out - I'm guessing that's what he thinks is going on at the moment).

(* okay to the extent that the woman grabs her partner's hand and very definitely puts it somewhere you'd agreed it wouldn't go, which is pretty common in my experience too...)

[Amedot]

I usually just put my hand over theirs and move it back to where I'm comfortable but I don't know if that's clear enough for a guy who isn't Ace.

Cheers!

I think you should lay out your boundaries very firmly, verbally. Say what you are comfortable with, and what you will not do (nothing below the waist and you cannot perform sexual acts). Verbally discussing this is really important.

[Wiseja1987]

Try doing a google search for "couples inventory" There are a lot of forms/excersizes out there designed to help couples do exactly what you are asking. It can take some of the pressure off to have a guide like that, and may suggest some things you haven't thought of.

[Guest]

I'm actually incredibly fond of the hand moving. I prefer when people just relocate my hand rather than instigate a whole conversation about it. That said, if he keeps doing it, a conversation is necessary.

[Guest]

If you want to not have to move his hand, he needs to know your boundaries. Else, yeah just relocate. If you think you'll be OK with him touching you other places eventually, you could do a "Not yet" and move his hand back somewhere else... that way he knows he just moved too fast. If you don't think you'll ever be OK with that sort of thing, then he should probably be informed verbally.

[binary suns]

Any ideas of how to say no if he goes to do something in the moment without offending him?

when someone is pushing your boundries, they are offending you. it's kind and all to want to not offend them.....

but honestly just speak up for yourself, they are overstepping you. being blunt is the best way. say "no". say "stop". say "I don't want to do that".

and if they aren't getting the message, then tell them full stop. don't just say "your hand there is not ok" say "this whole thing needs to stop now, it's not OK anymore" and if necessary, just leave. (and you shouldn't be somewhere you can't just leave, when you're just dating some dude.)

and remember these three things:

it's OK to not want to do something.

it's HEALTHY to create hard boundaries

if they get offended by your boundaries, that is them being not healthy! you should not be ashamed, afraid or protective of their shortcomings.

[binary suns]

I'm actually incredibly fond of the hand moving. I prefer when people just relocate my hand rather than instigate a whole conversation about it. That said, if he keeps doing it, a conversation is necessary.

I don't know the OP's situation, they might be fine doing as Skullery Maid says here. Generally speaking, I do agree that most people like nonverbals, at least from what I've observed. When two people wanna do stuff together, sometimes verbal communication is needed but a lot of the times it's uncomfortable or disruptive to the flow of intimacy, and so most of the time, people just do non-verbals.

but, having been in situations where I'd use nonverbal stuff like moving hands repeatably, or turning my body away from them, or talking about other stuff and acting thick, and my partner kept pushing for stuff I knew I didn't want... it's important to recognize that nonverbal stuff is actuallty just informal and non-communicative. it might get the message across, but it is very unreliably and can easily not mean anything. If it isn't working, step up the level of communication.