"I like you, but let's not date."

[Bezzy-Loo]

Yes and no, indigorose. I know how much anxiety can mess with the mind, but I don't consider this to be a fear so much as legitimate concern based on factual evidence.

For starters, I have a pattern of obsession giving way to loss of interest and total abandonment, even in relationships. I have no stable interests or hobbies, and wanderlust is one of my primary reactions to stress. Once an idea has settled in my brain, it's really, really hard to get rid of it, and that had been both the beginning and the end of my relationships more and more. (Incidentally, because they did accept it so well when I finally broke and admitted it and have continued to deal well, simply expressing it to them has been clearing the mess up from my head and helping me start to move past any special interest in them.)

There are also more practical issues. I have not met the person offline, and they will soon be getting bother further way and much, much more busy. There are very fundamental points that we disagree on as well, and although those things can be shrugged off with "agree to disagree" as friends, some of them are the sort of things that leave nasty little cracks and holes in relationships until it all crumbles apart.

So overall, it's just a bad idea to try pursuing it. Even with the optimistic outlook that those practical issues can be overcome, it will not work until I get my head sorted, and then there's a good chance that the way to make it work for me would not be something that the person could morally accept with their own beliefs.

[indigorose]

@freehugs. I understand and I relate to what you are saying. Sounds like you are very perceptive and switched on and aware of nuances within the relationship/s. I do the same thing, that's why I find it hard to find anyone I can have an actual relationship with.

The only thing I will say is, from my experience of pushing through my fears and starting a relationship has helped me release some ingrained beliefs about what relationships are like and what I would be like. And that in itself has taught me, my inner beliefs about what I "think I know" are not always right and also a relationship can reveal more about yourself and push you out of your comfort zone. I see relationship forming as a growth kind of thing, even if they don't work out. Before I ever explored relationship I had a completely different story going on in my head and that was that it was too much pressure because I not be able to be a perfect person and I will disappoint. But like you, if I notice incompatibilities I tend switch off (and it's easier to do that if you are just friends). I noticed major difference with my ex, pretty early on, but pushed through. I probably wont do that again though, but I don't regret the experience, because it helped me learn what I like and dislike in a romantic partner.

Having said that, I am someone that has been in therapy and I like to "push myself" when I notice certain behaviors where I am running away or where my mind shuts down. But took me a bit of therapy to be like that, and it's in my nature to question and push myself, not everyone is like that.

[Squirrel Combat]

I've told a couple girls I liked, and then they rejected me, but then I told them I wasn't interested in dating anyways (that's the truth), and afterwards they started dating other guys.

[TriSpectral]

So basically that: is it okay to admit to someone that you have a special, perhaps romantic fondness for them, when you don't want to actually be in a relationship with that person?

It's not that you want to avoid having a relationship so much as you simply know to begin with that things won't pan out, whatever the reason. The idea of being close with the person appeals, but actually hooking up would be a disservice to you both.

Under those circumstances, is it acceptable to admit those things to the person who seems perfectly fine with things as they are, or is it really best to simply keep quiet and let things pass?

I am going through the same thing at the moment, but for one difference: the other person has a likewise fondness for me, and knows even better than I do that a romantic relationship between us is not sustainable.

Under your circumstances, my advice is to let things pass. Most of the time, admitting an unrequited attraction for a friend does not go well. I'm assuming that the attraction you feel is unrequited. It could strain or even break your friendship. Even if you make it clear that you don't want a romantic relationship, it could still be awkward.