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"I like you, but let's not date."


Bezzy-Loo

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So basically that: is it okay to admit to someone that you have a special, perhaps romantic fondness for them, when you don't want to actually be in a relationship with that person?

It's not that you want to avoid having a relationship so much as you simply know to begin with that things won't pan out, whatever the reason. The idea of being close with the person appeals, but actually hooking up would be a disservice to you both.

Under those circumstances, is it acceptable to admit those things to the person who seems perfectly fine with things as they are, or is it really best to simply keep quiet and let things pass?

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Guest 80814

I don't think it's worth the bother unless they approach you, and then use it as the response. Nobody gets anything from just saying 'I'm not interested' without it being a response, and if you say it to someone who wasn't interested anyway, well, probably move town.

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nanogretchen4

I agree that you should not reveal feelings you never intend to act on. I find it's best not to talk about it to anyone, let alone the object of the feelings. But if the other person is fine with things as they are and doesn't even know about your feelings, the only remaining consideration is what works best for you. Will being friends with this person make you feel better or worse?

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There's honestly no point admitting romantic interest if you're not going to act on it. And it'll probably make things awkward between the both of you. Like "oh she has a crush on me but doesn't want to date me so should I act like she doesn't actually have a crush on me or should I reciprocate that crush but it's not like we're in a relationship anyway..."

Besides, there's a chance that the other person is going to try and convince you to attempt a romantic relationship with them. And since you already have some interest in them you might be emotionally compromised in this area and eventually end up taking their suggestion to try a relationship, despite knowing it's probably not a good thing. This may have expected but unintended consequences.

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That's pretty much what I've been thinking. The temptation just keeps hanging, and I needed some external influence to assure me I was doing right, I guess.

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I already have a (mentally and emotionally) close friendship with the person in question. (Not physically as the person lives in another state and is likely to be moving even further away soon.) And we have fun as such. I just felt the need to get some input since it keeps buzzing around my head.

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Midnight Star

This is one of the few times that I would actually advise that you keep your feelings to yourself. That kind of sentiment doesn't make sense to a lot of people, and they would take it as teasing.

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I can't speak in general, but if any of my friends had feelings for me, whether I'm interested or not, whether it could work or not, I'd want them to tell me. And I wouldn't consider someone a friend who I wouldn't feel comfortable telling about my feelings, particularly if it concerns them.

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Lord Jade Cross
I find this an interesting concept and oddly enough I was thinking about something like this a while ago. Sadly at a social level, it will most likely bring some troubles.
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I don't think it's something that needs to be hidden...?

Not every romantic feeling is meant to be taken into a relationship. There is a plethora of reasons why a committed relationship might not be the right solution, regardless of feelings.

If you are close to someone, I find it important to be honest with them, especially about your feelings.

Especially when you say that they seem content with the way things are, too. Not dating can be a mutual agreement too.

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So basically that: is it okay to admit to someone that you have a special, perhaps romantic fondness for them, when you don't want to actually be in a relationship with that person?

In my book, it is. I would rather know these things than not.

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  • 3 weeks later...

So, I still believe I shouldn't (I don't think any of us know even ourselves as well as we think we do), but I did (I'm not really very good with secrets...). Luckily, I think it helped that they've been one of the small selection of people I've been bouncing thoughts off of as I determine how I, well... work, so they were already aware of my reservations about having a relationship beyond friendship, and they were very understanding. They also admitted that not only had they suspected it, but that they also desired a closer relationship with me (but still readily accepted without any protest that it wouldn't be happening in the very same breath).

Since that very brief conversation, they have fortunately continued to act the same as ever, and I feel much more relaxed about it. I admit I have this little dread for whenever they do find someone to have a romantic relationship with, but it's mostly the idea of potentially being pushed away because of it, and it's only at the very back of my mind for now.

Just thought I'd share the update.

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As a loner, I'll admit on the lines of those.

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It depends.

I'm generally very strongly in favor of just keeping quiet about it if you know you don't want to act on it - refrain from making it the other person's problem. However, if the topic naturally comes up in talks between you, from their side, I'd say it's perfectly fine to disclose it, then.

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Tarfeather

Mysti, to counter your argument, I think it's generally more honest to disclose it, rather than to inevitibly let the other discover it for themselves by observing an emotional reaction in you that doesn't make sense otherwise. In a real friendship, the latter should be inevitible.

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Mysti, to counter your argument, I think it's generally more honest to disclose it, rather than to inevitibly let the other discover it for themselves by observing an emotional reaction in you that doesn't make sense otherwise. In a real friendship, the latter should be inevitible.

Depends on whether that likelihood is really inevitable.

Being someone, myself, who frequently had intense romantic feelings for people who were basically complete strangers, it's pretty easy to just discreetly withdraw from contact. Telling a person whom you've known briefly for a day or two "hey, I'm totally in love with you, but I don't want to date you" is a needlessly selfish imposition on their life - the problem is yours alone, don't make it theirs.

I agree that in a real friendship, it's a lot trickier. But I find the thought very hard to imagine that I could develop romantic feelings for someone who is already a real friend. I'm kinda the opposite of demiromantic. ;)

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If I'm friends with that person, I wouldn't want to keep that as a secret. I'd want them to know just as much as I want them to know about everything else that's important to me. (Edit: I'd have no intention to act on those feelings anyways. It would rather be some kind of information... "That's the way it is, I'll just sit it out but I wanted you to know. Thanks for your understanding")

The same applies if it were the other way around (which is highly unlikely but that's a different matter)

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AceInhibitor

I've been wrestling with the same kind of thing myself (although the main reason I don't want a relationship is that I really don't understand all the expectations around dating and I'm generally awkward about a lot of things). Personally, when I've noticed that friends are interested in me I've found it highly frustrating that they don't tell me about their feelings because I don't know what their intentions are? I think a lot of this is because all but one of my friends aren't asexual so I'm like 'Well if you want to date me I'd rather you tell me now so I can tell you where I stand', and honestly if they liked me and didn't want to date me, I'd much rather that they tell me that, so that I stop worrying about whether they actually like me or not, and whether they want to act on it? I was planning on telling the person I like, they know how I feel about dating and in my case, it's been two years now. I'm not good with secrets either and I think they ought to know, because I'm scared they'll catch on otherwise, and I'd rather be friends with them than anything else.

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It depends. If the other person asks if you like them, I'd say tell but explain you don't want to date. If the other person never asks, I wouldn't tell, as ... what's the point? Risk awkwardness and confusing them, potentially even upping their hopes if they like you, for nothing to change. Seems like a lot of potential emotional drawback for little gain.

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Telecaster68

I've been wrestling with the same kind of thing myself (although the main reason I don't want a relationship is that I really don't understand all the expectations around dating and I'm generally awkward about a lot of things). Personally, when I've noticed that friends are interested in me I've found it highly frustrating that they don't tell me about their feelings because I don't know what their intentions are? I think a lot of this is because all but one of my friends aren't asexual so I'm like 'Well if you want to date me I'd rather you tell me now so I can tell you where I stand', and honestly if they liked me and didn't want to date me, I'd much rather that they tell me that, so that I stop worrying about whether they actually like me or not, and whether they want to act on it? I was planning on telling the person I like, they know how I feel about dating and in my case, it's been two years now. I'm not good with secrets either and I think they ought to know, because I'm scared they'll catch on otherwise, and I'd rather be friends with them than anything else.

If it's any consolation, sexuals have exactly the same confusion...

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I would only say that if someone asked me out / made the first move. Like, if someone was all, "Hey I like you / let's go out / etc" and I liked them but didn't want to pursue the relationship, I'd say "I like you too, but I don't want to date / be in a relationship right now. I'm not ready for a relationship" something to that effect.

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I would only say that if someone asked me out / made the first move. Like, if someone was all, "Hey I like you / let's go out / etc" and I liked them but didn't want to pursue the relationship, I'd say "I like you too, but I don't want to date / be in a relationship right now. I'm not ready for a relationship" something to that effect.

That's a situation where even I would find it not only adequate, but actually reasonable, to mention it.

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I tend to believe behavior is more true than feelings. Feelings change... for me, they change quickly and significantly depending on my mood... and they're hard to articulate, hard to pin down, and very, very hard to compare to other people's feelings. Behavior is objective. You do or you do not, and that's it. Those are you two choices.

So, whenever a question comes down to "should I stay true to my feelings or my behavior", I say, you're being more honest by respecting your behavior than your feelings. In this case, that means:

If you never have any intention of being anything more than strictly platonic friends, then your behavior is clear. Behaviorally, you have no romantic feelings. Internally you may have romantic emotion, but since you can only signal one or the other (romantic feelings vs. stay the course), I personally believe that signaling that you have feelings is far less honest than saying you don't.

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I tend to believe behavior is more true than feelings. Feelings change... for me, they change quickly and significantly depending on my mood... and they're hard to articulate, hard to pin down, and very, very hard to compare to other people's feelings. Behavior is objective. You do or you do not, and that's it. Those are you two choices.

So, whenever a question comes down to "should I stay true to my feelings or my behavior", I say, you're being more honest by respecting your behavior than your feelings. In this case, that means:

If you never have any intention of being anything more than strictly platonic friends, then your behavior is clear. Behaviorally, you have no romantic feelings. Internally you may have romantic emotion, but since you can only signal one or the other (romantic feelings vs. stay the course), I personally believe that signaling that you have feelings is far less honest than saying you don't.

Trouble is, in this case it's what my brain is being very, very insistent about presently (and seemingly more the more I deny things, naturally) versus the long-term patterns I know that I go through. My mind seems to have a special fondness for doom. :|

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I think its the best to be honest and tell them that you aren't interested in a relationship and that you rather want to be friends instead, then you are being honest without hurting the other in the end.Honesty counts above everything in my book.

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I tend to believe behavior is more true than feelings. Feelings change... for me, they change quickly and significantly depending on my mood... and they're hard to articulate, hard to pin down, and very, very hard to compare to other people's feelings. Behavior is objective. You do or you do not, and that's it. Those are you two choices.

So, whenever a question comes down to "should I stay true to my feelings or my behavior", I say, you're being more honest by respecting your behavior than your feelings. In this case, that means:

If you never have any intention of being anything more than strictly platonic friends, then your behavior is clear. Behaviorally, you have no romantic feelings. Internally you may have romantic emotion, but since you can only signal one or the other (romantic feelings vs. stay the course), I personally believe that signaling that you have feelings is far less honest than saying you don't.

Trouble is, in this case it's what my brain is being very, very insistent about presently (and seemingly more the more I deny things, naturally) versus the long-term patterns I know that I go through. My mind seems to have a special fondness for doom. :|

Oh well yeah, I know that well. To be clear, I tend to do the opposite of what I know I should do... I can't take good advice to save my life. :)

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I guess it depends on the person. I have been fine with people confessing their feelings for me and not pursuing relationships with me. They were strangers or just friends to me.

But what if someone with whom I share an emotional connection with or a close friend were to confess? Right now I would like to be in a relationship and hence it would hurt that they wouldn't want one with me. If it happened in the past when I wasn't looking for relationships, I would have just felt awesome and wouldn't have cared about 'not wanting a relationship' part.

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  • 2 weeks later...

It sound as though you would be like to be in a relationship with this person, but are scared of the reality of it and so don't want to tell them because it would confuse things. Would that be right? Just from your initial post of "It's not that you want to avoid having a relationship so much as you simply know to begin with that things won't pan out, whatever the reason", says something to me. That talk is familiar to me, because I do the same thing. It's basically catastrophising and being a mind reader and it's a way to shut people out before they get a chance. I suspect it's an anxiety and perhaps a self confidence issue.

Friends confess their feelings to friends all the time and that's the risk people take in the chance of getting closer to a person.

It's up to you, but I have learnt being open and honest can lead to things we never thought possible and people being more accepting and understanding than I thought possible. The thing is I had to pay attention to my "negative/catastrophising' thoughts and push them away and challenge my thoughts and behaviour. It's not an easy thing to do, but you can grow a lot from it.

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