Should I tell my partner?

[Dadaiiro]

While growing up, I was never attracted to anyone enough to date. I always thought it was because I hadn't found the ONE. When I actively started looking, I found this wonderful and sweet guy whom I fell in love with and married afterwards. Things got tricky in our honeymoon. Intellectually I knew that the honeymoon was a period when couples got to know each other physically. I didn't care much for it. I though, well, girls always have it hard at the beginning. But it never got to the point I actually enjoyed it. I started tolerating the act and actually just participated because my husband really likes it and he has told me it means a lot for him to share that sort of intimacy with me.

I started to look for answers and found that I'm not wired wrong or something. Just asexual.

Now, I realized this and came to terms with it after two years of marriage and a child. My question is: should I tell my husband about it? I mean, we already have an arrangement where I "help him out" so to speak and I while I don't abhor it, I don't feel the arousal and enjoyment he does.

I've told him before that I'm not very interested in it, and we compromise somethings. So, really, I think we are doing good. But should I jeopardize this by telling him? I don't want him to feel bad, or that he is not good enough or that he will never be. Sexually speaking, maybe. But I married him for other reasons. And I heard that sexual people don't like to be told their partners don't enjoy that sort of stuff...

What should I do?

[deactivated account]

if you are going to tell him, definitely don't treat it as a big deal.
asexuality is just like seeing everyone fighting over a bag of sweets and you're not really too bothered about it. (it differs slightly from ace to ace)

if you explain it simply there's nothing for him to feel bad about. of course, unless sex for you was something negative emotionally. (though you did say it was just something you put up with, rather than a burden) if you feel bad about sex, he might feel bad about it too. but this is only normal

also, if you don't have plans to change the relationship, you don't have to tell him, but telling him will probably relieve any worries you have. but again, it's not really going to change the relationship (potentially) so don't trouble yourself too much about it

if it's true, make it clear to you're husband that you're happy with the relationship as it is. it's just that you're not too bothered about the sweets.

if anything, you can both just explore asexuality together. look it up maybe he can join AVEN with you etc, maybe he'll make the connection himself. you don't have to directly say you are asexual, just something you feel that you could relate to

[SithLord]

I would tell him. Explain to him that it's something you discovered about yourself, not that anything's changed.

[Dadaiiro]

Thanks for the advise. You both have a good point. The sweets example is pretty neat. I will think hard on what I will do. I'll post the aftermath for feedback when I do so.

[Telecaster68]

I'm the husband of a (functionally) asexual wife.

Tell him. He knows about your detachment and lack of enthusiasm for sex, obviously. Even if you've been doing a reasonably good job of faking it or exaggerating what little interest/pleasure you do have, sexuals can tell something's 'off' even if we don't know what it is. And since in most relationships, one partner not wanting to have sex is a bellweather for something deeper going wrong (either with the relationship, or a health problem), he's probably worrying about what it is even if he hasn't said anything.

On the one hand, knowing you're asexual will probably make it easier for him - he'll know it's not him, or something else wrong with your relationship in that way, or a health problem. On the other, knowing your partner will never, ever want to have sex, never desire you sexually, is very hard for sexuals. It's not that we value sex more than our partners, any more than asexuals value not having sex more than our partners. It's that sex is a direct, intense, urgent, way of sharing our love, so when our partners aren't interested in sex, it's very difficult emotionally to get past the assumption that there's no love to share, even when we know rationally that isn't the case. It means we have no way of sharing that love with anything like the directness and intensity of sex. It means all the times we were making love didn't mean what we thought it meant, and our partners saw it as a negative.

Knowing you're asexual helps sexuals figure all this out, and potentially come to some kind of acceptance. But it's going to be a process, not an event. It's a grieving process.

[TryingWife]

How old is your child? If they are young, it's not surprising that you've become more aware of your feelings in this area. Young children have a way of making you feel a bit used up physically and emotionally. The energy reserves you may have been using to satisfy your husband sexually are now being depleted by another person.

It sounds like you've introduced the concept that you are just wired for less sexual interest than he is. That is good. I think it is definitely good to keep that line of conversation going and make sure he understands this isn't a temporary situation. It is way better to get it sorted now and figure out what you can both live with long term. It's not fair to either of you to keep hoping it will get better and you'll get a "normal" sex drive in the future.

[Dadaiiro]

Thank you all for your advise and experience. I finally got around on telling him last night. It was a long exhausting conversation, but it was well worth it. My husband took it in stride and was very accepting and caring. It did make him a bit concerned in the beginning, but we are sitting thins out.

My child is one and a half and is a handful (like any kid at this age, I'm sure). It is a bit exhausting running after a toddler while making sure the house is still upright and the meals are freshly made and warm. But this is life and I'm very grateful for everything.

Thanks again for the time you took on reading and answering my concerns.

Blessings to you all!

[MrDane]

Good thing to be open and honest! Good, that he does not have to spend years blaiming himself or worrying that you might be sexually interested in other people or what else could be wrong, since you dont 'want' him. It can be and usually is a friggin big thing for us sexuals, and putting the issue on the table is a possible dealbreaker regarding the idea about a happy, loving, supportive and monogamous relationsship/family.

Remember to communicate your love and since sex is not your way, then you better do it in an other way! He is hopefully both wanting the sex, because it is nice and because it is a way to show love and commitment and togetherness. He is hopefully also showing you he loves you, by doing other things than sex!