Why is it so hard to see?

[butterflydreams]

Before I took over for my boss at work, I told him I was concerned that me in his position would mean I'd have to interact with a lot of third parties and contractors and stuff. What would they think about me?

He looked at me like my head was made of cheese. "You really don't see it do you?"

See what?

"You look like a woman. You really do."

But he was my boss, friend and a nice person. Surely he was just humoring me and being nice.

So I asked my best friend of almost 15 years. I had recently seen him in person for the first time in a while. He's incredibly blunt, and never pulls any punches. I asked, "When you saw me, what did you think?"

"Honestly? I saw all woman. I mean, your face isn't really too different, but definitely all woman."

I proceeded to show him a few pictures of myself from 2014 or so, and he even changed his tune on the face. "Ok, wow, now looking at these pictures, I don't even know what to say, the difference is incredible." And when I showed him a picture of me in my very first outfit, last summer, right before I started to really transition, his response was blunt, "ok, yeah, in this one, you look like some goofy dude in drag. You do not look like that now."

This is pretty much the same response I get from everyone, but I still don't see it. I feel like I never pass. I do see it more than I used to, but far from all the time. Will I ever see it? Why is it so hard to see? What can I do to help?

[WinterWanderer]

That's awesome that your transition is going so well. Maybe you're being too critical of yourself. :) It sounds like you're doing a great job!

[Hobbes∞]

I realise I've only seen the one picture of you in your profile there but I wouldn't have even noticed your transition had you not mentioned it.

I am biased though, I've always thought short hair cuts were super cute, and this is no exception ^_^ Because there are no exceptions~ Short hair is cute.

Good luck with the new job too~

[Calligraphette_Coe]

This is pretty much the same response I get from everyone, but I still don't see it. I feel like I never pass. I do see it more than I used to, but far from all the time. Will I ever see it? Why is it so hard to see? What can I do to help?

It's like listening to an audio tape you made of yourself. You think, "that's not the way I hear myself!", fully forgetting that when you talk, your bones conduct some of the sound back to you and you think *that* is what you sound like. But when you listen to the tape, the system is disconnected, and you hear what other people hear. And it's hard sometimes to accept that that's what other people hear.

I think people see with more than just their eyes, too, and I think some people pick up on auras that gradually morph to encompass a transitional reality. It's the subtlety of the information in those auras and deportment that color gender perceptions into eventual congruity.

Back in the 90's people used to call getting through transition 'living the good life'. And many people didn't get started in their 20's, which made it more difficult. You got started relatively early and it looks like HRT is being really kind to you, so I kinda think you're on the threshold of 'living the good life.' :::::hugs::::: I think you'll be just fine!

[Busrider]

If you look into a miorror, you might be focused on that and also scanning for flaws.

If you encounter a third party or contractor they are after a deal with your company and lets simply hope 60% focused on that. The next issue about passing: its the total picture that counts. Your clothing style (according to the pictures floating around AVEN) is unigue distinguished feminine.

So how much attention is left for a face- or similar body detail scan?

I have a 50+ year old good friend. When I'm around her, I think I like her a lot. When I look at stills I notice wrinkles and stuff but one on one they are burried under personality & conversation content.

Maybe analyze movies or theater comparing them to casual / press stills of actresses, not studio shots done for marketing. - Personalities and things perceived might vary a lot between those.

[Philip027]

It's like listening to an audio tape you made of yourself. You think, "that's not the way I hear myself!", fully forgetting that when you talk, your bones conduct some of the sound back to you and you think *that* is what you sound like. But when you listen to the tape, the system is disconnected, and you hear what other people hear. And it's hard sometimes to accept that that's what other people hear.

This is exactly what I was thinking, and I would guess this is probably one of the most relatable ways for a non-trans person to sorta see what you're going through here.

I went through exactly this myself. I remember being shocked ages ago, somewhere in the middle of my teenage years, hearing my own voice on playback. It sounded like a much lower voice than it did in my own head. I don't know if part of this had to do with having gotten used to what I sounded like before puberty (where my voice likely was actually higher) and just assuming it hadn't changed, or what.

Some of us seem to have gotten used to how we hear ourselves, so it's not a stretch to say that some of us may have gotten used to how we see ourselves, as well.

Trust me (and your boss, and your friend) though, you're rocking the female look, I'd say :D

[Chardog]

We're all our own worst critics and it's hard to see change in something we see every day (like ourselves) because we see it as we expect it to be.. Almost like proofreading a paper- you might make mistakes editing your own writing because you know what you intended to write (unless you take a break and come back to look at it with fresh eyes), but you will immediately pick up mistakes in others' writing because you don't know their intent.. ** Weird, abstract metaphor- but it has it's parallels.

[butterflydreams]

It's like listening to an audio tape you made of yourself. You think, "that's not the way I hear myself!", fully forgetting that when you talk, your bones conduct some of the sound back to you and you think *that* is what you sound like. But when you listen to the tape, the system is disconnected, and you hear what other people hear. And it's hard sometimes to accept that that's what other people hear.

I think people see with more than just their eyes, too, and I think some people pick up on auras that gradually morph to encompass a transitional reality. It's the subtlety of the information in those auras and deportment that color gender perceptions into eventual congruity.

Back in the 90's people used to call getting through transition 'living the good life'. And many people didn't get started in their 20's, which made it more difficult. You got started relatively early and it looks like HRT is being really kind to you, so I kinda think you're on the threshold of 'living the good life.' :::::hugs::::: I think you'll be just fine!

Yeah, the playback thing is a good way to think about it I guess. I also read that when you look at pictures of yourself it can be off-putting because everyone's faces are asymmetrical, and a photo flips them differently than when you look in the mirror.

I try to tell myself the aura thing too, but I think that's even harder to recognize in yourself. All I have is my friend telling me there was a noticeable difference in how I come across now versus years ago. She said it's just a very feminine vibe I give off.

You're so sweet to say those things. I'd like to think I'm strong enough to get to the 'good life'. Sometimes it seems like a universe away and I don't feel very strong.

We're all our own worst critics and it's hard to see change in something we see every day (like ourselves) because we see it as we expect it to be.. Almost like proofreading a paper- you might make mistakes editing your own writing because you know what you intended to write (unless you take a break and come back to look at it with fresh eyes), but you will immediately pick up mistakes in others' writing because you don't know their intent.. ** Weird, abstract metaphor- but it has it's parallels.

As someone who writes and proofreads a lot, this makes total sense. I can quickly proof grammar and style in other's writing in one good pass, but to do the same with my own writing could take a dozen passes or more. And even then, I probably still won't be satisfied with it.

I guess it's a matter of trusting others and friends? They're proofreading me and they're saying I'm good.

I feel like I hold back a lot too when it comes to trying to date because of all this. I tell myself that no (not gay) guy would ever want me, and it's not fair to expect them to, and that any woman would really be seeing me as a guy. So I don't even really try. I tell myself that when I can fully see the "girl" I am, then I'll try harder, and like this thread says, I'm struggling to get there.

[Kappamaki]

This sounds a lot like my own experiences recently.

Whenever I'm feeling at my most dysphoric these days, it honestly helps to look in a mirror, because on bad days, my mental self-image is way worse than my reality. And honestly, it's never the other way around. Sometimes mirrors don't help, but these days, they don't hurt.

These days, when I look into mirrors, I see myself shaking hands with Dumbledore. I've won the House Cup.

[deltaX]

I agree with what others say about it being easier to see your own flaws. I'm not trans, but I can still find tons of flaws in my appearance that other people don't see. We're our own worst critics, and sometimes it takes a trusted friend to know how others really see you.

Also, based on the pictures I've seen you post, your transition seems to be going amazingly well. In your most recent pictures you look incredibly feminine, to the point where if I met you for the first time I'd be really likely to just assume you were a cis-woman. I doubt you'll have as many problems with people preceiving you as male than you think you will, so you don't really have much to worry about.

[butterflydreams]

I agree with what others say about it being easier to see your own flaws. I'm not trans, but I can still find tons of flaws in my appearance that other people don't see. We're our own worst critics, and sometimes it takes a trusted friend to know how others really see you.

Yeah, and I've always been just super critical of myself anyway too, so probably not doing myself any favors.

I'm starting to look into different methods to build self confidence too, because I think that's the real killer. One thing I will say, that I used to call "bullshit" on constantly, is taking pictures of yourself. I saw lots of trans people suggesting it, but I always felt it was very narcissistic and self-centered. I've kinda changed my tune on it though. It can be a self-confidence builder if you do it right. I've just been taking lots of pictures and not really doing anything with them. Sometimes I just try to practice my smile (it's awful :P). But you take the picture, and you fear the worst, but then you realize, "hey, maybe it's not so bad. I kinda like this look, and I didn't think I would."

[Heart]

These days, when I look into mirrors, I see myself shaking hands with Dumbledore. I've won the House Cup.

Haha. Welcome back, I've missed you and your humour recently ^_^