Partners who don't accept your asexuality?

[MelissaJC]

So not to reveal too much personal informational or names of people, but if you're comfortable, who else has gone through something like this? Basically this is how I eventually realized that I was asexual. I was open to dating and relationships but I would also clearly communicate that I didn't want to be too physically intimate. One of my ex boyfriends would try literally try every tactic to make me want to make out and having sex - from making up some poor excuse to sleep in a motel for the night, to sharing alcohol with me, and to insulting me/putting me down and making me feel like that there must be something wrong with me. Of course, I know now that that is an abusive relationship and I just wish I had realized that sooner back then. I had briefly dated another friend of mine, and while he still is an otherwise very close and longtime friend of mine, he also would say that I need to be "more open-minded to sex" when we dated. So if you have ever been in a relationship with a non-asexual person, where's the limit? Where did it start becoming disrespectful and uncomfortable?

[Midnight Star]

Never had a relationship, but if I did i would say "if you don't like it, then I am the wrong person for you".

[NerotheReaper]

[Guest]

When a line is crossed then you should say stop and tell them where they are close at with you, its very important to stay honest and dont do things because you feel obligated to do so,your feelings count too.When you start a relationship its better to open up and tell them where they are close at with you so they can take that into account when starting a relationship with you.

[doggalogga]

Yes. My ex tried to 'fix' me with specialists to find a reason, because there has to be a reason.

She couldn't accept that I just don't operate at that level. Despite being the most compassionate, patient, understanding fella she'd ever known, she didn't get sex, and that was the most important thing to her.

So it ended.

I tried to engage, but I just don't experience any sexual satisfaction. She couldn't understand that. Still doesn't.

It was a good thing because it reaffirmed my situation and over time, helped me grow more comfortable with my circumstances.

A partner worth sticking with will love you for you who are and won't try to 'fix' you or push you into situations that you aren't comfortable with.

[OutsideObserver]

Many Sexuals are not going to be happy with a sexless relationship. It's not about understanding you or loving you for you. A sexual person could do both of those things... but that understanding and acceptance doesn't suddenly make their needs and wants go away.

[UncommonNonsense]

Many Sexuals are not going to be happy with a sexless relationship. It's not about understanding you or loving you for you. A sexual person could do both of those things... but that understanding and acceptance doesn't suddenly make their needs and wants go away.

The topic isn't about the legitimacy of sexual needs... it's about coercion and abusive behaviours.

[Guest]

Many Sexuals are not going to be happy with a sexless relationship. It's not about understanding you or loving you for you. A sexual person could do both of those things... but that understanding and acceptance doesn't suddenly make their needs and wants go away.

The topic isn't about the legitimacy of sexual needs... it's about coercion and abusive behaviours.

Is it? Staying at a hotel for a night and doing some mutual drinking is hardly coercive and abusive... for most couples, it's considered nice. And while in theory it's best for everyone to part ways if you're not happy, that goes for both sides. Having an asexual partner who continues to reject you is abusive, IMO, if by "abusive" you mean "makes me feel like shit for my personal needs." Dating an asexual and being constantly rejected is incredibly hurtful. Yes yes you're rejecting them because of your orientation, but they're asking because of their orientation, so IMO, it comes out as a wash. Neither side is being abusive, they're just both advocating for their needs. Their needs are incompatible, so there's extreme friction.

[OutsideObserver]

Many Sexuals are not going to be happy with a sexless relationship. It's not about understanding you or loving you for you. A sexual person could do both of those things... but that understanding and acceptance doesn't suddenly make their needs and wants go away.

The topic isn't about the legitimacy of sexual needs... it's about coercion and abusive behaviours.

Eh. I'm not convinced there isn't a little of both in the OP's experiences. Yes it sounds like the first guy was being pushy and that is not cool. But the second guy? He's literally just trying to communicate his needs in the relationship, and the OP is saying he is possibly overstepping his place by saying so.

Then the tried-and-true chorus of "If he really loved you he'd accept you for who you are!" (i.e. give up sex entirely to be with you) began. I was mostly commenting about that wrong-headed sentiment from the people responding, but the way the OP is describing her relationships sound like maybe she is also of that opinion.

[UncommonNonsense]

I have had three relationships with heterosexual males, with the first two happening before I knew that my disinterest in sex was an orientation in and of itself and that there was a word for that lack of desire, so I felt there was no legitimacy to my not wanting to engage in sex. My insecurity and lack of information made me far too easy to coerce, so I ended up in sexual situations I absolutely did *not* want. My second relationship very nearly became rape... had my parents not arrived home unexpectedly, he would have raped me - he already had me pinned under his much greater weight and was roughly attempting to remove my clothing, despite my struggling and telling him to stop.

After that, I stopped trying to date for a very long time. I'd had two dating situations which became negative, and no compelling desire for sex or romance at all, so I was much happier resolutely single.

I got involved with a guy about 4 years ago, against my better judgement. I wasn't seeking a romantic partner, but I was interested in finding someone who could become the intensely close best friend I wished for. My ideal would be to create a family-by-choice household of very close friends. It turned out that he was seeking a romantic/sexual partner... with the emphasis on sexual. Even on just the second date we were on, he began making sexual comments and began trying to push for sex. I told him I found those comments inappropriate and wasn't interested in sex - with him or anyone else - but it proved impossible to derail that train of thought for long. Telling him to stop talking in a sexualized manner only got me, at most, a three minute reprieve before he'd go right back to graphic sexual talk and pushy, coercive behaviour. We went on one more date after that (I'm sometimes too polite for my own good), and it went so badly that I ended up having to use the social disapproval of strangers to get him to stop making gross sexual comments. When it became obvious that he would not stop making grotesque sexual comments and pushy suggestions even when asked and even after told him that I considered it rude, I began loudly saying things like "I asked you to stop talking like that", "EEEEEWWW! You're gross!", and "That comment was *really* inappropriate!", which drew the attention and disapproval of the other diners and *finally* got him to stop. After that, I blocked his phone number, filtered all incoming emails from him straight into the trash, and asked my supervisors to transfer me to another work site, since I'd met him at that site - he delivered mail for that business.

[Insipid]

"I'm going to try my hardest to make you not-asexual" ~ my ex.

[dissolved]

I've had people call me a liar when I've said that I'm not interested in sex until I'm attracted to someone. They also tend not to believe me when I say it can take me years to get to that stage, if it ever happens at all. I don't use the word "demisexual" though. Too much for them to handle :P

[Sally]

If in a relationship, partners don't accept the FACT that one of them is asexual (doesn't want sex) and the other is sexual (wants sex), the relationship doesn't work.

[TiffanyJung]

You know, and I know I'm going to offend people with this, I still don't understand why a person who knows that they're asexual would want to be in a relationship with a sexual when it's so obvious that there's going to be friction .

[henshin]

You know, and I know I'm going to offend people with this, I still don't understand why a person who knows that they're asexual would want to be in a relationship with a sexual when it's so obvious that there's going to be friction .

Because asexual people also want companionship, intimacy, romantic love, etc., and it's vanishingly hard to find an asexual partner. You can't choose who you fall in love with!

[Guest]

I'm pretty glad that I never faced that problem. R. was completely accepting of my limits while we were together, and actually was very happy for me when I found AVEN and finally had a word to put onto it all. :)

And even the only other partner I've ever been with, for three horribly dramatic months in '06... well, while I have little good to say about her in hindsight and don't miss her being completely gone from my life (I won't go into details; let's just say, honesty was reeeeeaaalllly not her strength, and we did not part on friendly terms <_<), at least she never once, even remotely, pushed me for anything sexual I would not completely have been okay with.

You know, and I know I'm going to offend people with this, I still don't understand why a person who knows that they're asexual would want to be in a relationship with a sexual when it's so obvious that there's going to be friction .

Because asexual people also want companionship, intimacy, romantic love, etc., and it's vanishingly hard to find an asexual partner. You can't choose who you fall in love with!

Eh, feelings aren't everything. I wouldn't advise anyone to go for a relationship just based on "falling in love" (whatever that even means, I'm still fuzzy on that term), unless you can soberly calculate that there are enough areas of compatibility.

Feelings are one thing... but if anything, I'd rate brains as the more important component for making a relationship work. And yeah, sometimes, there's enough to make it work between an ace and a sexual. It's probably pretty rare, but I think that there is a minority of cases where it can work... did so for over six years for R. and me, which would have been a pretty decent time for even a partnership to last that didn't consist of people with differing orientations.

And frankly... I have seen are tons and tons of asexual gals in my four years here whom I would clearly be a lot less partner-comptaible with than I was with R.. Sexual compatibility is one item on the list. Sometimes, it's not the most important item... and if it's the only item - yeah, pretty much forget making it work much longer than a night, folks.

[Guest webernets]

I can't say I've ever had an open out-and-out discussion or conversation about this with partners. What I can say is that once it became clear that a bit of how's yer father was off the table, every girl I've gone out with has run a mile, literally the next day in some cases.

[Éadweard]

There's a lot of talk about partners not accepting other's asexuality. Goes both ways, people. You aren't the only one in the relationship. Do you also not accept your partner's sexuality?

[Guest]

There's a lot of talk about partners not accepting other's asexuality. Goes both ways, people. You aren't the only one in the relationship. Do you also not accept your partner's sexuality?

Reasons why poly aces have it easier... add one.

(INB4flame: Note I said have it easier, not are better.)

EDIT: And I just noticed the punnyness of "add one". Not intended, but I'm giggling now, myself. :lol:

[Sally]

There's a lot of talk about partners not accepting other's asexuality. Goes both ways, people. You aren't the only one in the relationship. Do you also not accept your partner's sexuality?

.

Surely you're joking. There's really no way for asexuals -- especially those of us who have been in mixed relationships -- to NOT accept someone's sexuality. It is very evident, and the world we see around us is sexual, and we're not saying sexuality doesn't exist, as many sexuals claim of asexuality

[Guest]

Surely you're joking. There's really no way for asexuals -- especially those of us who have been in mixed relationships -- to NOT accept someone's sexuality. It is very evident, and the world we see around us is sexual, and we're not saying sexuality doesn't exist, as many sexuals claim of asexuality

Sally, have you honestly not seen posts on these boards with the gist of "if he/she really loves me, why can't he/she just stop making a fuss about sex? It's really not that important!"... more than once? Many times more than once?

If that's acceptence, then you'll have to admit, the Catholic Church has become completely accepting of homosexuality in recent history, too - the Vatican hasn't denied it exists, in many decades. It "merely" doesn't condone the activity.